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Epic Fail: The Journal of a Homeless Gamer
Book 10: Wisp of Hope

This is my journal I wrote during the time I was homeless. It is broken up by week for easier reading. Feel free to read it on the web or download the complete .pdf version and print it for reading offline.

Week 493

Day 3445 - 12/6 - Feeling overly full

Today was pretty good. I played for a teeny tiny bit and then had the test for class. It was just about as I expected, so I'm sure I did totally fine for the overall grade.

After that I spent much of the rest of my day playing my new expansion in my new game. I did get in the queue to do the special raid thing too while I watched some shows. And after 1.5 hours of waiting I gave up and just did solo stuff. I would guess it was a combination of being too early (1-3 PM my time) and most people probably just starting with the expansion or doing the new raid. I will probably try again tomorrow around the same time.

I got some chips at the store. With my regular amount of food, I now feel overly full. Which is good, as I usually feel not quite full. So it is a rare feeling. I'm sure the feeling will pass quickly enough though.

It's getting very cold. The temperature says it's still warmer than it has been, but again this morning my window was a bit frosted. And there is still no word or card from dad. So I am in an extremely bad spot, as without that money I can't pay any of the bills I was hoping to. I don't know what I can do. I put out a lesser call for help and not only did just 8 people see the post so far, but no help has come.

I guess all I can do is try to let it go. Try to not worry since I have no control over these things. And try to keep hoping help comes in time.

Day 3446 - 12/7 - Surprising news

Today was quite the mix. It started with an email from someone. I don't really want to talk about it. It was just a reader, so nothing bad in a threatening way. But I lost about 45 minutes reading it and replying back. And it upset me to the point it took the next nearly 12 hours to shake off the extra depression, sad feelings, and general dampening of my spirit.

During lunch I decided to detour to the health center. I've been feeling extra fat lately what with the extra big tummy and considering if I need to track my food again. Though really there is very little I can do to lose weight in terms of food since so much of it is pre-packaged. But, according to the desk person this scale was correct, I am only right around 200. Which is much less than what I would have guessed at around 240 since my tummy seems bigger than ever before. I guess maybe my feelings were true, and parts of my legs and arms are thinner and leaner. So with that, adding on an extra big tummy and a fat feeling face, the weight has maybe shifted around more than overall being lighter or heavier. (My highest in recent times was 220.) Though I would still like to get back down to, ideally, 175, but I'd settle for 185.

Another surprise came in the late afternoon. My dad sent an email. While there was no mention of turkey day, he said he sent a Xmas card yesterday and it has a check. So I will know very soon how much I have from him in total for this holiday time. Hopefully it's a bigger size, as that would at least pay the web/email bill and I would have my biggest worry cleared. I won't really expect more than that, as I don't know how I'd manage if it's not. And anxiety will be high enough without adding to it.

So today had a number of surprises; one bad, which set me greatly off balance, but two good, which will hopefully allow me greater balance in the coming days. So as I try to shake off the cold of tonight, I hope for better days ahead.

Day 3447 - 12/8 - Long, but fast

Today was odd. At the end of the day, and while the day was passing, it felt very fast. Yet at the same time, moment-to-moment, the day felt very slow. Almost as if it were twice the amount of time. I suppose that is in great part due to my working on a project until noon. My entire regular morning plans were put aside. It was fine. It was something I wanted to do. Certainly not as high of a quality or as much detail as I'd have liked, but I don't think anyone cares or listens anyways.

The day was fine, though my tummy was pretty upset. I got some easy lunchmeat for the next day as well, and microed it all at once, so I don't have to worry about meals for the next days. But tummy has issue with so many meats lately. Not from being sad about it once being a living creature, just my constitution is nowhere near what it once was.

I find myself very much looking forward to my green salad with a touch of salt and pepper and cheese I've started making a habit of on weekends. It will be harder to do from April on, but for the moment the car is a fridge at night. And with where I sit at the library I can put the foods on an AC vent. Which also effectively chills them like a fridge. (Hopefully someday they will flip that and it will be heat, as it's getting very cold lately.)

Emotionally I guess I was ok. I certainly could have been better. But I endure far more now than I ever would have before. The combination of enduring continuing emotional pain and loss, having lost so much has caused my tolerance for such things to be very far from what it once was.

No card from dad in the mail, but I did get word on food stamp monies being renewed through 2018, so there is that. For the moment I keep hoping. And hopefully tomorrow will be a good day.

Day 3448 - 12/9 - Something

Today was mostly ok. The morning started at the food store, then the bulk of the day was at the library. They actually had the heat on. The vent felt slightly warm in the morning, but by late afternoon when the place was packed it was slightly cold again. The connection was mostly ok, but in the later afternoon it turned pretty bad. The last two hours I was there was spent trying to watch a single 45 minute show. But I suppose some connection is better than no connection at all.

I got my card from dad, and... it's something. On the one hand it's a big amount, so that's great, but on the other it's a single gift size big amount. Which is half of what I had sort of mentally budgeted and hoped to be sent from him. So... I should maybe probably have just barely enough to pay the most important bill. But it will leave me with absolutely zero for anything else. I'll have the tiny bit in my wallet, which would have been laundry, which now must be gas for a week.

I will have to keep hoping donations come so I can cover the overdue car insurance and school costs. Which hopefully will happen. I know there are a few out there who watch out for me and send help from time to time. So hopefully that help will come and I can pay the remaining things.

But for now my future seems more uncertain than ever. And I struggle to hold on physically and emotionally. But I still hope help will come, and tomorrow will be a better day.

Day 3449 - 12/10 - One down, trim time

Today was okish. The food store connection was completely down, which was super sad as I didn't want to be out in the cold outside of school. When I got to school and settled in the concrete was indeed nearly as cold as ice. My butt was kind of numb while I was there. I guess it's ok though, as it allowed me to do some stuff I wouldn't have had the bandwidth for otherwise.

At noon I headed to the library. It's connection was still pretty slow. I'd forgotten it was so bad yesterday. It wasn't quite as bad, but it did alter what activities I could do due to lower bandwidth.

I paid my big internet/web space bill. Phew. So that's secure for another year (not counting the domain names in like May), and I won't have to worry about losing access to my email, which is tied to everything, including my resumes.

After paying the bill I only had a tiny bit left. I even had to put $1 back of what I had in my wallet to pay for the bill. The remaining $5 had to go into gas. There was no choice with the tank showing just about empty. I've got maybe a week's of gas if I'm lucky.

My hair was bugging me today. Well, most days it bugs me in that it looks like a flat mushroom instead of being flipped back all cool. It doesn't like to cooperate. But today was the kind of bugging me in that it's 'tail' was too long and poking me in the back of my neck. I guess it's grown about an inch since the last time I cut it, which if I recall was sometime in spring. The top is evening out now, and it's actually gotten too wide. It's less of a faux-hawk and more most of the top of my head. I'll have to see if I can find a way to narrow it this week before I lose shower access for winter break.

But despite my now only having barely a quarter tank of gas, and about $0.18 in my bank account, I guess today was ok. For now I try to hang on. And I continue to hope extra help will come for the holidays and I can continue hanging on until my forever better days.

Day 3450 - 12/11 - Miss it

Today was ok I suppose. Lately I've felt very weird. I feel very hyper aware of my body, where I am in space and time, and feel very much like a separate entity, disconnected and completely separate. I suppose I always have been, but it's the kind of physical and emotional detachment you feel when you are leaving somewhere and you've said all your goodbyes. I guess maybe it's just the quarter closing out and further distancing from everything I've known in recent times since my future feels so uncertain.

I suppose too it could be because more and more lately there is stuff I'm missing going on with the professor I used to help. All these projects I see the class working on and know they have as assignments, yet I can't see anymore. I miss helping and feeling useful, helpful, and like what I do and say matters, and has helped someone in a way that will last for the future.

I suppose too because, if even only temporarily, it meant I had people who were friendly around me. Without it, I have little to no interaction with anyone, and I feel extra alone.

But I suppose things could be worse, and may still be. But they aren't yet, and so I have hope that they won't be. I continue to hope help comes and try to hang on. And I continue to hope tomorrow is a better day.

Day 3451 - 12/12 - Quiet so far

Today is very quiet so far. I am one of only probably two people on the floor. Things seem very calm, yet I'm sure soon people will be anxiously buzzing around for their final.

I feel ok emotionally, and congested and sneezy physically. Though I am very worried about all the things, and that my laptop power now tends to drop about three times an hour if it's on my lap, and about once an hour or two if it's settled on a desk. It thankfully still seems mostly a very isolated incident, but I likely only have a few more months before it becomes a real problem.

But now settled at school I am warming up again. I will soon have foods and quiet my tummy grumbling. And I try to stay hopeful help will come and all the things will be ok and I can continue to hang on.

Comments and stuff Copyright E. Stryker 2008-2017
Pictures for Epic Fail are taken by me. :)

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