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Epic Fail: The Journal of a Homeless Gamer
Book 10: Wisp of Hope

This is my journal I wrote during the time I was homeless. It is broken up by week for easier reading. Feel free to read it on the web or download the complete .pdf version and print it for reading offline.

Week 485

Day 3389 - 10/11 - He was missed

Today was better emotionally. The morning had a bit of trouble with the connection, but because there was class it passed quickly enough. During class the teacher was explaining a particular concept, and he said he was sad the bunny wasn't there, as it was a perfect example of the concept. I said it was my bunny and I could draw him real quick, so I did. It meant a lot that the bunny was both missed and useful for teaching since I can no longer help. I was curious why he'd never taken a picture of him and he said the bunny was there for the past years, so he just had come to expect that the bunny would still be there. That was a nice surprise to hear as well in a time when I feel uncertain about if I will be there or not. People still expect to see me in my spot, and notice my presence and feel weird if I'm not there. Not friends, not interaction, but it is something to know my presence and visibility is at least some kind of touchstone for people.

In the back of my mind I was still worried about all the things. But today I was distracted enough they didn't bother me.

Tomorrow I won't be on campus though; part of my new split schedule between there and the library. So tomorrow and through the weekend keeping sad thoughts at bay will be more difficult.

But I try to hang on. I try to stay hopeful. And hopefully I will have better days.

Day 3390 - 10/12 - Disconnect

Yesterday during class we watched all the things we'd filmed the first few weeks. I knew I didn't want to see myself, but I really look nothing like I think I do in my head. My mind can ignore all of the ethnic traits I don't like. I don't think of myself from that culture, so seeing physical traits of people from that culture... is not something I would choose if I could.

Even ignoring that, I do not look as I'd expect. On the screen was this barrel chested, chubby, borderline fat guy, with super pale, almost deathly, white skin. And on top of this eggshell white egg of a head was a crazy fluff of chaotic hair.

I know people see me how they see me. I know to them how I look is normal, as I look like I look and they expect nothing else. And while my hair isn't the best (I definitely cut it too short last time) I'm sure it is accepted for what it is.

But I am very overweight from where I'd like to be. From my knees down, and on much of my arms, I feel tight. I feel lean. I don't feel fat in those parts. Yet for a while now my tummy area and chest have been big. Grabbing my gut tonight I would guess I must actually be back up to, if not over, 200. I will try and do all I can to get back down. I'd still really like to be back closer to 175. But it seems an almost impossible task due to my homeless stress, not being able to eat well, declining health because of those, and now the reality that I am closer to 50 than not.

Today it seems all I can do is try and hang on. I try to hope for better days. I try to hope I can make it out of these terrible times, and through to better days. Days when I can have a home again. When I can have my things set up and watch shows or play games as I should. When I can have traditions back like watching movies on Saturday night, or hang up decorations for various holidays. And maybe I could even have real life friends again, who come over for game nights, who I can laugh and have a good time with.

I try to hang on to hope. And maybe someday those days will come.

Day 3391 - 10/13 - Just a few

Today was kind of good. I got to be at the library and mostly the connection was strong and stable. I played a game and watched a few shows. The new season is starting, so ones I haven't seen in a while are coming back.

I tried a shower in the evening. Finally the water was hot. So that means it either finally got fixed today, or what scares me as a more likely scenario, they are starting to not have hot water on in the morning. Switching showering to the evening isn't really a big deal. It's not really convenient, but I used to shower in the evenings all the time. I guess I'll know more Monday morning. For the moment I got a nice hot shower and feel pretty ok.

I had a better time than usual today. But I am still worried about all the things. I am really extremely tired; probably from a cold, probably stress, probably depression. But emotionally today was a lot better. I was at least distracted, and enjoyed the distraction.

I kind of feel like I forgot something I was supposed to do, but I can't think of what that could be.

But today I hung on, and so I try to stay hopeful. And hopefully there will be better days ahead.

Day 3392 - 10/14 - Outsider

Today I felt like an outsider. I suppose mostly because that horrible guy is always around now. The one who smells like a sewer that threw up on another sewer. He's always at the food store and always at the library. When I see him this frequently I feel like I'm a leech, like him. I know it's not true because I would jump at the chance to be back in a home and a normal life. He seems completely oblivious and like he would never stop being a disgusting homeless person doing nothing but sleeping in public and watching his foreign shows online.

It is hard to be happy and think things will get better when I frequently see others who are homeless, in some cases much longer than I have. I suppose I could go back to spending more time at school, but without being able to help in class I doubt that would provide the connection to a normal life that I would be looking for.

In the back of my mind I felt half fixated on the sad things; bills, money running out, gas running out, the weather getting colder, my health getting poorer. And the other half was partly distracted by my game tomorrow; thinking of a normal life with other friends, other games, dinner and board games, shows and movies watched on a TV instead of my monitor.

So I suppose I hung on today. And most days that's all I can do. And for now I continue, and hope for better days ahead.

Day 3393 - 10/15 - Forgotten for a day

Today was pretty good. in the morning I only had a few hours at the food store to play before heading out to do my every other week game, which kind of has become a once a month game with how infrequently we have been meeting. Before we played I was entering my sad story. And when we played I was distracted with play. So today I was, for the first time in quite a long time, distracted enough to have forgotten my troubles and worries.

It was nice to have the thoughts out of my mind, even just for a part of the day. Now, in the evening as I'm settling, the sad thoughts are beginning to return. But for the moment I continue to hold on to hope. And hopefully there will be more better days ahead.

Day 3394 - 10/16 - Unable

Today I feel, I guess melancholy. All day, sitting in my spot at school, I felt like a subject of a time-lapse video. People walked by me as if I were invisible, as if I didn't exist at all, coming and going, doing their message checking when leaving class, moving on with their day and plans. Yet I did not.

I thought about things I could not do. I could not sleep in a bed. I could not shower whenever I chose. I could not game in amounts I chose because I had to conform to certain time windows for things like using the micro to eat. I could not eat or drink whatever I wanted. I had what I brought, and that was my choice.

I feel like I can no longer look beyond today, beyond right now. I suppose that's a good thing, as it is easier to focus on what I have, instead of what I don't or what I've lost. But I also feel a great loss of me. No one is depending on me. No one relies on me or hopes I'm there. For the most part, my thoughts and opinions are not given, nor needed, and as such not heard or appreciated.

I try to focus on the fact this is only temporary. Given the opportunity I will be strong enough to recover, given enough time. But with only being able to see today, it is harder and harder to see tomorrow through the sadness.

Day 3395 - 10/17 - Feeling sad

Today I am feeling sad about all the things. I slept very well actually. It was a bit warmer last night than usual. But in my deep sleep I had deep dreams. Dreams of sad things. Dreams of struggle and loss. And so I think I've woken up equally sad.

I think about my last emergency call for help and feel sad. The post, last I saw, 'reached' 216 people. Yet only two sent help and messages of well-wishing along with that. While I realize the population I reached out to have their own struggles and worries and are not in the best positions, I can't help but feel more like they don't care. Like people in general only care about themselves and no one else. I can't help but think how only 20 sending 10 a month would stabilize my current life. I think how little that is and I wonder why I don't know enough who can do that.

Why in all the world don't people do that to help with the bigger struggles so many have? I don't mean really big issues like cancer, though I'm sure if we stopped fighting long enough we could at least find ways to extend our lifespan overall. But medium sized issues, like hunger in general, help for those struggling with getting medicine, or other issues like that. It seems like people world-wide are so focused on themselves and doing things the way they've been told is the way to do it have gotten stuck. And we, as a world people, are becoming self-centered and holding back our potential as a species.

But in spite of how big my ponderings are I cannot even help me. I am in need of help. And so I try to survive and hang on. I do things like buy a treat for food to try and cheer myself. I look forward to a rare pre-purchase of a game releasing in a week. And I try to trust Fate and Destiny are moving me in the right directions, physically and emotionally. And I try to hang on to hope that help will come and I can hang on until opportunity for change comes. And hope I can make it to my forever better days.

Comments and stuff Copyright E. Stryker 2008-2017
Pictures for Epic Fail are taken by me. :)

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