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Epic Fail: The Journal of a Homeless Gamer
Book 10: Wisp of Hope

This is my journal I wrote during the time I was homeless. It is broken up by week for easier reading. Feel free to read it on the web or download the complete .pdf version and print it for reading offline.

Week 519

Day 3627 - 6/6 - Burning eyes

Today was the end of a pair of contacts. I don't know how long I've been wearing this pair. It feels like probably three months. I had a bit of an itch in one eye at the start of the day, and as the day went on that turned into a kind of burning. Taking the contact out would alleviate the issue, and the rinse in its case helped keep the issue down, but it was most definitely the burn of too old contacts.

I've set aside a new pair, one of my last two. I don't know how long these two pair will last. I will have to prey it is long enough. This next cycle may be extra difficult as my previous eye doctor would let me order a single box at a time if need be (a box has three pairs.) But he retired, and I don't know if the new doc he recommended would be as understanding.

But searing aside the sometimes seering pain in my eyes, I managed to have a pretty good day. I got a couple of donations last night, so probably tomorrow morning they will have cycled in and I can pay the overdue car insurance and up my phone to have at least some time on it, and maybe a tiny bit left for gas or registration, depending how well I can hang onto what's left. My food money also recycled, so I got regular food, and have a couple of different tasty snacks.

Oh, that reminds me. I didn't see the Tuesday person and she hasn't said anything, so no help there. The professor also ducked out yesterday early and flew past me. I guess she had somewhere to be. Though it seemed like she was purposely avoiding the implied proposal of help. Hanging out with her though (for a longer than usual time) tonight she made no mention of it, but did mention she was buying a new system for editing. Yet when I started to ask her about parts, not like I know anything about that or run a site recommending parts or anything, she brushed me off and said, 'I'm doing it, boom, it's done.'

It makes me wonder if she doesn't really value my help at all. It seemed like she did in the past, but so often she just ignores when I need help, or when I'm hurting. It's like I'm sort of a therapist for her troubles, worries, fears, gripes, yet she does nothing for me. I half wonder if I should just stop going by to hang out and not bother anymore. It seems like she doesn't really care for me and doesn't really seem to care to try to get me reinstated as a helper, paid or not. And now, weeks after, it seems very clear she isn't going to follow through on help she basically promised and said would be no problem at all, either direct or in-direct through doing work for her.

But I try to move on from y worries and sad things. Today is done. Tomorrow is a new day. And so I will try and stay hopeful. And hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.

Day 3628 - 6/7 - Feeling sick

Today was pretty good. The connection was kind of bad in the morning, so I did different game things than I thought I would. I suppose it doesn't matter though, as by about 11 in the morning I started to feel pretty sick. I've had a pretty mild headache, congestion in my lungs and tummy, and a bit of sneezing. I'm also pretty motion sensitive and a bit off balance. Hopefully I'll be ok. It may be allergies, or it may be a layer of exhaustion, I'm not sure.

I had an ok time in my game though. So I tried to relax and stay restful. The money hasn't moved into my account yet so no change on paying bills. That should be available in the morning and be fine.

Due to my illness I fixated on my mortality constantly. My brain kept thinking of death by various accidental things or extreme pain. On a normal day I'd have been able to keep that at bay. I don't feel warm, but usually repeating obsessive thoughts like that happen when I'm running a fever. Hopefully it won't continue and I can go back to my regular sad homeless feelings.

But the day was ok in general, and I survived, so there is that. Tomorrow is another day, and I will try and hang onto hope it is a better day.

Day 3629 - 6/8 - Not even half

Today was okish. It started with paying the overdue car insurance. So for the moment I am current again. I tried doing my phone but it said I had the wrong password. I sent a message to customer support about it. It seems like the website just wasn't working and it kept giving errors. So I gave up and I'll try again tomorrow.

My day was pretty good. It was quiet on campus and there were only a few around me. I played my game and had a pretty good time. But because I am sick feeling I was not the best company, so I purposely just did solo stuff all day.

In the evening I tried to do the laundry. I say try because of the laundry I took, which was not even everything I need to do, I couldnt even do half. And of my more than half dozen shower towels I could only fit in two of the smallest, barely the size of a mid-size towel. (The kind you typically put on your head.) So I had to air dry all my outer shirts, hoodie, all the pants, and some other items. Thankfully most of them don't really have a horrible smell, but it's very sad to think my socks, underwear, t-shirts, and one pair of shorts were the only things to be washed.

But that is my sad life. And I have been thinking all day about how I am sick and how not normal my life is. And how I feel extra sad and alone because of it.

But I continue to hope someday things get better. I continue to hope someday I'll have a normal life again. And I try to continue to hang on to hope until then.

Day 3630 - 6/9 - Not movie

Today was pretty good except for a bit of connection weirdness. It was not the best at the library and it dropped me a few times and I worried it would completely break again, but it hung on ok.

I had my game to play and I had fun. My in game friend showed up, who I haven't seen in a while, so that was nice. We didn't group or do any stuff together. I also saw some E3 announcements. The most important was updates on Anthem, which still looks super great. It has a new release date of February 22nd, and I have almost enough to get it in gift card money already. So by the time it comes I should definitely have enough. The problem is I doubt my system will be able to handle it. If it could it would probably be at really low settings. The last game from that company had trouble running on my system in single player mode, and it really couldn't handle online play. Since Anthem is almost certainly 100% online I may not be able to play on my current system. Hopefully I can get into a beta and get a peek.

My phone is officially back on, at least for a few months. Sadly that was almost everything I had. The car insurance and phone left me with only enough for about a week's worth of gas. Which is sad, as I was hoping to take my movie gift cards to see a movie. I'm guessing it would take 3-4 days of gas to get to the theater, which is way too much to spare.

But overall today was pretty good. I had a fun time and there was some game news, and more to come tomorrow and the days after. So I continue to hang on to hope for all the things. And hopefully tomorrow will be a better day too.

Day 3631 - 6/10 - Not stream

Today was mostly pretty good. I spent the day at the library and while it wasn't a great connection it was good enough to do solo stuff in my MMO. It was lonelier than it otherwise would have been if I could do group stuff, but that is just how my sad life goes sometimes. Similarly I had no control of my evening connection. For about a week I've been looking forward to a stream with news at the food store, but it had zero connection. Well, not completely zero. The site registered I was there, and showed about one frame every few minutes, but basically I stared at an unmoving picture of a stream.

There was a high point. At the end of my time at the library my in game friend came in and sent me a super important DLC as a gift. We got to hang out for about 10 minutes before I left, but that was it.

Oh, I overdosed on pain meds, so I almost forgot, but through most of the day I had pretty intense tooth pain. There is maybe 75% of the tooth left that is hurting, but it's next to one that's only about 5% left. So I have been feeling very sad today thinking about when they are both gone. Since they are the two biggest at the end of that side I will effectively be missing about 25% of my bottom tooth area.

So today was mostly a low day, with an extreme low of tooth pain and sadness, and a high of my online friend giving me an expansion I needed. So I try to put the day behind me as it comes to a close. I try to hope what is left goes ok. And I try to hang on to hope that tomorrow is a better day.

Day 3632 - 6/11 - Supposedly hot

Today it was supposedly hot. Down in the bottom floor at school I didn't feel it. Maybe it's because I'm still sneezy sick. Maybe it's because it was heavily air conditioned. I'm not sure.

I tried to relax and be restful though. I tried to play my game and have some fun. I wasn't in too much pain, as I overdosed a few times during the day to keep it down.

I did watch more news about games. Sadly I think the three games I want most will either run very poorly on my old laptop or not at all. One is a sequel to a game my system could barely run at poor speeds, and another is on a similar engine. I suppose though if I did get money for the game(s), or got it as a gift, in theory I would always have it. So even if I couldn't play at launch on this system I could someday. Though it would really be safer to not get it if it probably won't run, as the price will always go down. But the prospect of my laptop getting too old to continue gaming is very sad. I can still play my MMO, and a mobile game was announced that I'm interested in that I could play on my tablet, so there is that.

So for the moment I hang on to hope for change. I hope I get over my cold. And I hope for better days ahead.

Day 3633 - 6/12 - Already so warm

Today I am already borderline hot outside. I'll still be inside in the air conditioned basement, so I'll only feel the effects when making lunch and dinner.

I've been up and about for about an hour and I've sneezed half a dozen times. I'm still suffering from allergies or a cold, whatever this is. I lost about three hours of sleep last night because of it too.

No donations yet, so I try to stay hopeful some will come as it's only about a month until the big registration bill is due. I did get one surprise today though. There were rewards for watching the live stream Sunday, but since I had zero bandwidth I worried I wouldn't qualify. I guess though the site did recognize I'd logged in, and this morning I got a reward for it. So yay for rewards.

But the day is just starting. I'm still sick and worried about bills, but I feel positive and try to stay hopeful. I should be able to rest and play in my spot all day, so hopefully that will help me recover physically and stay ok emotionally. And, as always, I hope there are better days ahead.

Stream watching Wolf mount reward.

Week 520

Day 3634 - 6/13 - Apparently not

Today was pretty good. I got to be restful in my spot. It was warm. And I got to play my game and watch shows.

In the evening things were weird. I saw the professor go by me around 8 with no stuff. (Which is about 1.25 hours before the class is scheduled to be done.) I asked, "Done early or late break?" She mostly seemed to keep walking and ignore my question, but half turned her head and said, "Something like that." I was watching a new show either way so I didn't worry about it. About 45 minutes later someone asked if I'd seen her. I asked if she was in the classroom, she wasn't, so I guessed they ended early.

So I guess we aren't really friends. That's like the third time in the past few weeks she's left and seemingly intentionally ducked past me, or tried to. So, years of effectively being her counselor, her confidant, discussed ideas, hopes, and dreams, and yet she has returned none of it really. She's never really talked about my life save for that one time. And with the promise of wanting to help with $50 for classes for the quarter, then later saying $180-220 a month with off-loaded work would be "psh, no problem, totally doable" and then nothing.... ok. I no longer care. There is a week more and then finals week, but I will not visit her anymore. If she has no intention of following through on promises of help when she knows I only need a tiny bit, after years of emotionally helping her through stuff... ok, I'm done with an apparently one sided relationship. I won't intentionally avoid her, but no more going by out of my way.

I guess my exhaustion and cold effects are visible. On my way off campus I saw someone I haven't seen in a while and even in the evening's low light he could see my eyes were 'puffy'. I guess my sneezing and scratching is showing. Well, at least some care to look deeper than the surface or what immediate outward appearances are.

I guess overall today was a good day emotionally. I had fun. I tried to rest and relax. I saw some shows. Though I did worry about the upcoming bills. But for the moment I try to continue to hang on to hope that tomorrow is a better day.

Day 3635 - 6/14 - Feels weird

Today I've been feeling weird. Emotionally I was pretty good, though no donations or help came so that is very sad.

But physically I felt weird. I felt kind of fat, like my tummy is overstuffed and may burst out of the skin. I'm sleepy. I'm congested. I've been clenching my jaw and causing jaw pain most of the day. (Likely due to the congestion, though it seems similar to what you do when overly cold.) My eyes kind of hurt and itch. And even though I'd been hyper aware of where my body is, I have also had this out of body feeling, as if I'm in a third person perspective and first person at the same time.

I'm sure it's all just various effects of my cold, or exhaustion, or both together. At least I hope so.

But I try to focus on having fun with my games and shows. And I try to hang on to the hope that help will come to cover the next insurance and car registration in time. And I try to hope for better days ahead.

Day 3636 - 6/15 - Odd end

Today was pretty good. The morning and day were super quiet. Even more so than a normal Friday because labs were closed at 2:30 instead of staying open the whole time. So I got to play my games and watch shows relatively alone.

I got a donation in the evening, so that was good. And there was a student film show. I only knew a couple of people's work, so it is strange to now see an almost entirely different group of people doing stuff.

There has been a lucky shift in grouping in my game too. Whereas a month ago I was hitting a lot of selfish elitists, recently there have been regular or even somewhat friendly people. One even said she liked how I didn't stop being a cat person (they speak a certain way), and she complimented me on being a super good healer, which is rare enough but doubly so since the cat people's racials don't help with healing.

So I guess today was a pretty good day. Though now I feel a bit odd. I don't know if it's because of my cold or because I've seen a lot of very different short films. My world perspective seems off, as if everything is over or under saturated.

But overall I guess I feel ok. I am still very concerned about bills, but I am still hanging on to hope. And hopefully tomorrow will be a good day.

Day 3637 - 6/16 - Twenty percent

Today was pretty good. The food store in the morning connected enough to do stuff, and the library didn't drop at all. It was a touch slow, but faster than usual, so I got to do whatever all day. I just played my game really. There were a couple of quick things I watched while eating, but really I just did my MMO. I actually had some good groups and got some items I need, so phew, that set is almost complete.

I thought about taking my gift cards to see a movie. There are like four out that I want to see, but mathing it out it would take three or more days of what is probably two weeks of gas. That's 20% of the gas I have, much much too much to spend seeing a movie by myself. Yeah, it would be really nice, but with no friends to share it with there really isn't any reason for me to rush out and see it in theaters, even if one is a sequel I've been waiting to see since the first one years ago.

So emotionally today was pretty good. No donations, so no changes there, but nothing got worse. I had fun in my game and watched some shows, so the day was ok. Still, I try to hang on to hope opportunity for change comes and tomorrow will be a better day.

Day 3638 - 6/17 - Not a dad's day

Today was a pretty quiet day. I would guess because of dad's day. The store was empty in the morning, and the library didn't get busy until probably afternoon.

I sent my dad an e-card, so that is about the extent of our contact really. I tried reaching out a little, saying I wonder what the does with his time and I remember he liked gardening, but he really didn't respond to that. He sent a thank you e-card and said his recent wife (I guess they got married about 8 years ago) was thinking of taking him to a casino, but that fell through, which he was glad of since he doesn't like gambling. I still feel sad our relationship has been what it has, but in my situation, and with him living two states away, I can't really try to change things. If I were as I am now, and I were him, I'd be terrified. He's 30 years older than me, so he has about 8 years left if he reaches grandpa's age before passing.

In the morning in my game I saw a cat I sometimes see. I thought of real cats, and their short lifespan, and what if I loved one and they were on their deathbed. And I cried a little. I would love so very much to have a cute critter in my life again, but I would be so terribly devastated when they passed.

But I guess the day was ok other than that. I played my game and had fun. Though I worried about bills. But I try to hang on to hope opportunity and help will come. And hopefully I can hang on until better days.

Day 3639 - 6/18 - Warm to cold

Today the weather was a bit variable. In the morning it was super warm. I left my hoodie in the car and regretted not wearing shorts. When I settled in I even took off my outer shirt layer. I stayed that way until mid afternoon. From mid afternoon until early evening it shifted pretty quickly. I don't know if that was due to weather or because at that point what few students were on the floor had basically all left. But it got cold quickly. I even started to notice that I was clenching my jaw a bit.

I guess the day was ok emotionally. Job searches were pretty empty, and now some of the searches come up completely empty in some areas. Which I suppose is a good thing for the economy, but bad for me. There were no donations. I even saw the Tuesday evening helper as she passed quickly by and said hi. My professor passed by me a couple of times, not really engaging, just saying nothing or little empty statements. Kind of like when you are living with someone and saw them just a few hours ago.

But I had a fun time in my game. I had enough food. (Which I'm super thankful I have the food stamp money for.) And I was warm and comfortable enough. I survived the day. And sometimes that has to be enough. Hopefully I can hang on until better days.

Day 3640 - 6/19 - Priest

Today has started off a bit sad. Last night I was feeling through my faux-hawk, noticing how its back middle part is getting wider than I'd like, and I noticed the thinning part is now to about my ears. It's not so thin as to not be noticeable like the first 15% or so, but it feels pretty thin compared to the very back. It's probably only a couple of more years at the rate it's going before it's more like a pony tail, which is not a good look.

More importantly today is almost exactly one month before the registration is due. With missing the election day opportunity, and not yet getting a paid survey, I'm getting very worried that there is nothing saved for that. $150 seems an impossible amount with no income, not counting the $40 more for insurance before then.

I was watching some shows lately, and in them there is a priest character. I was reminded how like a priest my life tends to be. I try to love all things. I'm celibate (though not by choice.) And most days I just try to understand my place in things as best as I can and hang on. Above all I try to have faith that people will help and opportunity will come. And hope that the world, as a whole, continues to move towards a kinder more understanding place.

So, as always, I try to hang on and stay hopeful that help will come and that I can make it to better days.

Comments and stuff Copyright E. Stryker 2008-2018
Pictures for Epic Fail are taken by me. :)

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