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Epic Fail: The Journal of a Homeless Gamer
Book 3: oh noes

This is my journal I wrote during the time I was homeless. It is broken up by week for easier reading. Feel free to read it on the web or download the complete .pdf version and print it for reading offline.

Week 107

Day 743 - 7/14 - Massive migraine

I have the worst migraine ever today. It's one of those times where it feels like my brain is trying to push my eyeballs out of my skull. I feel pretty sick with the headache, neck ache, a few other general muscle aches, and my bladder is not happy. It kind of feels like I got punched in the gut a little too.

Other than that I've had an ok day. I shared some lols with people at work and got decent sleep. Though I'm very sleepy and if I'm sleep deprived that may explain a possible reason for the migraine. I haven't been able to eat well lately either. Because I overextended myself on the netbook I've had no money for food these past four days or so. I've had hot dogs for my meals almost every meal. Thankfully I get paid tonight, so from then on I'll be ok. While my savings will be drained when I get my laptop I should be able to build quite a buffer until then. Speaking of which, I sent off the one I recently got to be returned today, so that's cycling now. Though I don't expect to get the money back for between 1.5-2 weeks due to shipping and inspection time. I can't believe the place I dropped the ram off kept the box for two days. I'm going to complain about that to the better business bureau. It isn't the first time that's happened there, and that's not ok if your store is claiming to be an official drop off point.

I guess that's it for today so far. It's later in the day but I don't expect anything interesting to happen.

Day 744 - 7/15 - Phone on hold

It's pretty late, but also probably the hottest day/night so far, so I'm unlikely to sleep anytime soon. It's a shame too because I've got to get up ridiculously early for a work training thing.

I made the call today to get my new fancy phone, but it was far out of the price range I could afford right now. It seems I have to put the phone plans on hold until after I get my laptop. It seems I misunderstood the statement of 'because your plan is so old the phone is $200 and you receive a heavy discount'. I took that to mean it was $200 and I'd get a discount beyond that. Apparently $200 is the maximum discount and $600 is the base price with no discount. While $200 isn't totally out of reach it is certainly out of my reach right now. It will be at least another two weeks when I get paid again before I'd be able to buy it. The laptop will have to come first. While I do really want the shiny new features, and it would replace my current camera, I'm questioning if I'd really need it. While I'd use the calendar and alarm a lot now due to increased work hours, they become a fairly moot point once my hours drop back down in winter. While the effective upgrade cost is only really about $125 post camera sale, that "small" $15 minimum monthly plan upgrade does add up to $180 a year. That is most of a mainstream graphics card every year. Is what I need it for that important right now? I have no doubt that price will drop as wireless connectivity increases around the country. Would I really use it though? It would be fun. It would be new. I wouldn't be 6+ years behind on phone tech anymore. That $200 internet would hold pretty solid for several years, so it may be worth it. I'll have to do more soul searching over the next few weeks and see. On the one hand 'it is only money'. The fun and functionality will be of value. On the other hand, I can do a calendar on my netbook. My current phone alarm has worked well enough, and I don't need mobile (phone/device) gaming. Above all else, during not summer things have been quite a struggle, and I'll feel really stupid if I had a fancy phone but was starving from hunger because I had to spend $15 more a month on the phone bill.

Well, despite my hopes, dreams, and desires lately for portible gaming and updating my phone, it seems, as always, Fate is playing its hand. Thus I will wait and see as my timetable ticks down. Maybe there is a different path for me and that is why Fate has delayed me.

Day 745 - 7/16 - Car stops dead, and stays dead

This morning has rapidly turned bad, but I have high hopes it will turn out ok. On the way to a training thing this morning I heard an odd noise from the car, a sort of yeee-yeee-yeee-waaa like a fan was getting stuck. It seemed to let up/stop when I put the clutch in, so I figured it was clutch related. Since the noise stopped as mysteriously as it started I had no choice but to not worry about it and hope everything was ok. After the training I was on my way to the store to buy food. While sitting in a turn lane it suddenly stopped dead. It refused to try and start at all. I put on my hazard lights so people knew to go ahead. You'd be surprised how many seemed to not notice at all. Someone even sat behind me and beeped. It's like, seriously? I waited a few minutes then checked things out. It looked like it was completely out of oil and very low on radiator fluid. Thankfully while I was on the phone to the tow place a guy volunteered to help by pushing it across the corner to the store parking lot. As we were driving two others helped. Yeeeaaa for help. I went to the food store and paid way too much for oil and radiator fluid. I just put it in before writing this, so I'm going to wait about an hour for it to cool. I'll grab some kind of lunch and see if it starts up. Hopefully it will. I have more work in only about 4.5 hours from now (~3.5 from then), so if it does seem to start with little trouble I'll let it run idle and rev it a few times to cycle fluids. After, I'll stop it again, and again let it sit for like an hour to totally cool off. Around that time, about 1 hour before my next shift I'll see if it can get to that work. It's only about a five minute drive, so if it can it should be fine. That's a 1.5 hour shift, then I basically come back to where I'm at now to go to my regular 5 hour Friday night shift.

Hopefully everything will be fine. I just spent $25 on oil and other stuff. I'm getting really tired and disappointed with having cars that break and take hundreds to fix. And, if it is broken this would be the worst thing ever what with my having 1.5 at C&H's coming up. While they aren't super far, they are about 10-15 miles of freeway driving each way. I guess I could spend the like $50 on an oil change if all seems well. With the oil getting drained so fast since I last filled it, it seems like there may be a leak or something, which the shop may find.

Anyways, a very bad day that may turn out to be far far worse and ruin plans for everyone. I don't understand why these bad things keep happening to me. I guess if it starts ok I just have to keep a closer eye on the levels. But if not, I don't know what I'll do. I just got this car a few months ago and only have a small bit in savings.

Time passes

The day I've dreaded has come, and at the worst possible time. The car was towed to Fortes Brothers in Mountain View not too far from one of my work locations. They examined and poked at it for over two hours and have since basically pronounced it dead. One thing for sure it needs is a new alternator (which didn't go bad instantly, as it's completely coated in rust), which just for the part is $310, not counting over $100 for labor. On top of that the car is spewing fuel where it shouldn't for no known reason. They have no idea what exactly is causing it, so that would probably be another issue needing fixing. On top of all that the timing belt has no mark, so they have no way to truly calibrate the engine.

The day of my fully being homeless is here. I'm now on foot until I get a new car. And it's come at a time where I can get no help. The one friends that would help me are about to go out of town - a time that would have otherwise been cause for celebration for me. I'd have watched their place and been able to live like a normal person. Now, now unless someone somebody knows has an "extra car" they want to loan me, or someone can drive me back and forth to work every day, there is no way I could do it.

I feel like I'm going to break down into uncontrollable crying any minute now. Why are none of my people I knew back in the day that I've recently reconnected with helping? Why is noone understanding or helpful when I tell them my problems?

I sent word to C&H that I have no car and can't watch their place and I got a very cold sounding text to not worry about it. Now it seems even C&H may not be interested in helping. It's likely that they are just too busy getting ready to go, but it seemed cold, as if they were abandoning me and no longer want me around.

It seems more and more abandon me over time and more and more I'm left on my own to suffer.

I called the not-sis to tell her the bad news, that I won't be there tonight or tomorrow and can't help her move. I also asked if she would ask my ex-roomie if I could borrow a car for the next few weeks. She and her boyfriend that hates me have three fully functioning cars and four motorcycles. I doubt she will though. I hope and think she still cares for and worries about me, but the car I would be borrowing is her boyfriend who like hates me's car, and I doubt he'd be willing to help.

I don't know what to do. I have a few hundred in my account, but nowhere near enough for a car. For the moment I'm truly on the street and I feel truly alone, abandoned, and unloved.

Time passes

Official word is in on borrowing the car from the ex-roomie. Apparently, since she lost her job, the boyfriend who like hates me has been selling off his extra cars, and that's his main car now. (Though the last time I was in the ex-garage the other day I saw at least three bikes in there.) I also called a car rental company, just to see how much it would cost. Though I knew renting a car would be expensive, I had no idea the prices spiked during the summer and it would be over $200 per week. So that plan is out of the question as well.

It seems my car fate is in the hands of the gods, as it always seems to be. I'll post the car on a local board tomorrow with a very low price, probably something like $300. With needing to drop upwards to $600 or more in repairs into a car who's retail value is closer to $1000 if in working condition, I may have a very difficult time trying to sell the car quickly as-is. I'll certainly be looking into that "lemon law" and seeing if I have any options or recourse to get any of the lost money back from the so-called dealer I bought it from. I won't have enough cash on-hand to buy a new car even if I got that $300 before my time (at the repair shop) runs out on Tuesday. If I put all of my money in one place, I'd have maybe $700. Two weeks from now I'd probably have closer to $1,000, maybe even $1,400 if I have my netbook return money back by then. But how will I get around until then? Will I just be spending my days at the food store close to this work and hiding my stuff here in a storage area inside? Where will I sleep?

There's also the other problem that I'll probably have to take a taxi to get the stuff in the trunk back to my ex-house to put it into storage. What I have with me is already far too much to carry around on a regular basis. I've got an overly full gym bag, my thin blankets, two bags of groceries, and one bag of shower stuff.

I should be able to hide the stuff here and be ok; using this work location as a sort of home-base for now. I can switch cloths every few days and get food I don't want to carry. (You'd be surprised how quickly soup and drinking liquids add up in weight.) With my being here Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Fridays I'm covered for showers. I could even shower at the other location on Sunday or Monday when I'm there. My main problem in getting around though will be that I can't change locations quickly. Sure, if I have time between shifts I could take a bus, but I can't do anything that is within normal driving time because I'm currently out of a car. I think the greatest stumbling block at the moment will be that I have no way to get to a place to look at a car. Even if one is within my price range I have noone that can help by taking me over. I suppose I could try and ask the ex-roomie who is fairly close, and who by being currently out of work probably is free much of the time, but she rarely talks to me, and mostly seems to be in a position of being told not to help by her boyfriend who like hates me.

The day I've dreaded is here. I'm now truly homeless, and I have far too much stuff to be ready for it. If I knew this day was coming I possibly could have prepared. I could have cut down the amount of clothing I'm carrying, maybe gotten it down to one blanket folded inside the bag with the cloths, not had extra food... there are lots of things I could have done to prepare. But suddenly losing my car, suddenly being in a position of needing to remove the items from the car and having no way to get them to storage... this is chaos.

*cry, tear*

I don't know what to do. All I can think to do is use this work as a temporary base to store a few items and taxi or walk between my work locations. Sleep will be difficult if not impossible during the cold nights, and during the warm days I can't think of more than a few places I could go to try and connect to the Internet. I have no idea how I'll sell my car, even less so how I'll get around to get a new one. Not counting the fact that, at the soonest, I won't have the money for at least two more weeks.

*cry, tear*

I was so happy last night and this morning. I had plans to live a normal life for a week and a half. I had plans/hopes of upgrading to a gaming netbook soon. I had hopes/wishes that I'd have enough extra to upgrade my 6 year old phone so I could be one of the cool kids I see around me all the time. I had plans to help the not-sis move tomorrow, and say a proper goodbye until I see them again when I come visit. But now... now I feel like I'm going to throw up, like I'm going to start seriously crying at any time, and that if I did I wouldn't stop. All I keep wishing for is for some close friends to come surprise me at work, come in to the office, tell me they love me and that things will work out ok, and that one of them has a car for me to borrow until these times are past. But I apparently have no such friends (or at least no such friends who can right now). And with C&H's seemingly cold response to my news, with the not-sis leaving to move to her new place tomorrow, I feel sick, abandoned, and alone. I feel like noone out there cares and that in the coming weeks I will fade out of existence, alone and forgotten.

Day 746 - 7/17 - So much crying

I cried a lot last night. I don't know what to say that I haven't said before. I really don't understand why this is happening to me. I'm a likeable and friendly guy. I'm smart. I give out helpful advice on many things. Yet, I have no friends really. The only real friends I have are C&H and the not-sis and they can't help me right now.

It's a quiet moment in the ex-garage. I realized early this morning that I'd have to come down here to get the pink slip for the car. I called a taxi and got taken from the gym location to the car, then to here. I had to empty out what was still in the trunk and put it into storage. That trip came to nearly $40. Thankfully, outside of all the phone calls and the $25 on various liquids, that's the only real cost so far. The repair shop voided all fees to help me out.

If today had gone as planned I'd be getting up now, and getting ready for the not-sis' move. After, I'd have their whole house to myself most of the day. I'd play my games on my PS3 and possibly be on the Internet. After sleeping as much as I could, I'd be heading to C&H's for a week and a half of fun and shelter, kicked off with Fallout 3, which I got specifically to play during their/my vacation. But today did not go as planned due to the disaster of yesterday. I barely ate anything at night because I wasn't hungry. I managed to not fully cry while people were there, but after they'd left I cried for probably about a solid half-hour. I feel as if no matter what I try and do to improve my life, no matter how ok things seem to be going, I keep getting knocked down harder and harder each time. Two cars dying mysterious deaths that boggle the minds of mechanics within the last four months? Who has that kind of terrible luck besides me? Instead of being in my car last night and spending our time on the last night of the not-sis' being here with her family, I spent it crying at work after people had left, and hiding in bushes on the school property, unable to rest due to fear and worry. If I'm lucky I may have gotten three hours of sleep. And I feel this is likely to continue for quite a while.

When I'm done writing and having a truly quiet and nearly entirely safe moment I'll head over to the local shopping area - about a 10 minute walk from here. I'll be leaving most of my stuff here, so I'll have to come back very soon, probably tonight. I've reduced my bag to one work shirt, one pair of shorts, three pairs of socks, three pairs of underwear, one pair of sweat pants, and a single small towel. I'm wearing jeans, socks, underwear, a regular shirt, and my hoodie. About 1/3 of the bag is empty so I can carry some food with me. For now though I'll just keep my backpack with me. I have to go to investigate if a local store has a bike helmet and bike locks. Hopefully that will be less than $50 total. There is still a bike at work - left there over probably two years now. The tires are super deflated now, but I can fix that, and it should allow me acceptable travel between the three work sites. I'll be going online at the shopping center too and posting the ad to sell the car, as well as researching the "lemon law" we have in our state. Maybe that will help me to recover some of my money. Even if I manage to get the full $350 I'm asking I'll still be taking about a $600 loss. I suppose the one positive thing is that I will no longer have a car that has so many undesirable qualities.

But I still don't understand. We are people, and many of us are kind, gentle, fun, and deserving of love and support. I don't know what it is about me or my life that requires I have so much suffering and I'm so alone. But take that time to appreciate those around you in your life you care about. Make sure they know you really care about them and value having them in your life. If they have troubles, try and help them if they will accept it. Not everyone can get out of trouble on their own, and sometimes it isn't their fault at all. Sometimes they just aren't good at a certain thing, and that's just part of what makes them who they are.

Don't let my sad story become yours or someone you know. Although I still have hope that I can make it out, in recent times I've really begun to wonder if Fate will ever allow me to be truly happy and supporting myself again. It seems like every time I try to make progress towards some aspect of normal life, be it my normal or mainstream normal, it seems I get knocked down harder and harder. Don't let this be you. Stand strong. Hold your ground. Save and be ready for trouble. But most of all, live with love, and offer care and support to others whenever you can. Take care of you as best as you can, but remember we all want someone else to care about us. We all want people around us that help when we are down.

Time passes

*more crying* When I arrived at the not-sis' place I was not greeted by a dog at the gate. I was not greeted by children saying hello and telling me their newest thing. I was not greeted by the not-sis with a hello and funny or crazy story. The house is empty, save for a few items and a small amount of random items which could easily be dismissed as nothings, but are, each and every one, very important items to the children. As much as I miss being with C&H and their little one, this is different. I started crying before I'd even finished opening the gate. Now it feels like another huge section of me has been ripped from me. I feel sick. I feel sad. I feel like I will never see them again. It wasn't so much about not getting to help them move, it was far more. This was a family. Basically my family that I'd never had or known until now. Right now I feel like this is another piece of me that has faded and will never return. No more will I hear the stories when I come by. No more will I know what these items mean - a pink camouflage bandana, trading cards, external speakers for using with laptops, half of a dozen cupcakes left of a dozen; all seemingly very commonplace in a home, but each has a very important and special story with these who were my first real family.

I know I will see them again in time. With a car the hour or so trip isn't that big of a deal and I could probably visit once every few weeks or a month. But now, now I know what it truly was that I was missing. For a while I had it, but now they are gone. My first real family and I had no idea how very important every little thing had become.

My stuff is all still here, even their speakers are here. The Internet looks like it's still on. I'll take a shower in a minute. I'll wash cloths after. Later I'll make dinner. I may actually be hungry and eat something.

I don't know how I'll go on. So many big pieces of me are being ripped away. Right now I feel like I'm dying, but I can still see the world continuing on without me. I feel the pain of what I could have but no longer have it. I'm beginning to wonder if I will ever have it.

Time passes

It's pretty late for home life at just after 11. My calves are killing me. I had to walk about an hour with my backpack and gym bag to get to the bus to get here, but it was very worth it. In fact, even though I'd only get about 5-6 hours of sleep it is very tempting to come back Monday night. Due to it being later though, and Tuesday morning being so early, both trips are more than double the normal amount in cost. I'll still have tonight, Sunday night, and Tuesday night here. It's not much, but there is a couch to sleep on, a chair, a bathroom and kitchen, and for the moment Internet. It's not a quiet place though, but I suppose quiet enough. They live on a super busy street with a bus stop about 20 feet from the door. Most of all though there are the happy memories; phantoms in my mind. I keep seeing the children and expect them and the not-sis to come in at any second. My mind keeps thinking I hear the dog whining at the door, or his nails clicking on the ground. I feel as if they passed on, like I won't ever see them again. But I know that's not true. As soon as I get a car again I'll be able to see them.

Apparently C&H had to cancel half of their trip because I guess I was the only person who could adequately watch their critters. I feel terrible. Not only has this misfortune hurt me, but it's hurt them too.

C and others say 'take care of yourself.' I guess I find it very hard to do that. Yes, I'm fairly hedonistic what with various pleasures ruling my life, but in all honesty I only become so happy with things like, well like this moment now. Here I am in a place that's effectively what I'd do with my own place, yet I'd love nothing more than the not-sis and her kids to still be here. I really don't know if I can just worry about myself. I'm a very giving person, and I have to have interaction with others.

In fact, this has made me consider again re-directing my life since my current direction seems to be not of any help. Since I haven't seemed to be able to get into teaching, maybe I should look into physical therapy. That's part psychology and part helping people I think. Though I've no clue how much medical knowledge I'd have to have. I'm terrible with memorization of details like that. But it's something to research tomorrow along with the other things I will research.

I actually ate all of my dinner, which surprised me. With all of my crying and feeling sick lately I thought I'd only have a little. I didn't really have lunch. I ate maybe half of normal. But I guess I'm feeling at least a little bit better.

I want so very much to be back in a home, but I want to have people I care about around me. I don't know if I could live with strangers even if I had the money to rent a room. It's maybe not just about getting into a place anymore, but about getting back into a home. And friends or family who care about me is part of that. And that, that can't be gotten with money alone.

I'm exhausted. I should try and sleep. Hopefully I can. Hopefully I can feel safe and secure enough to settle in. At least I don't have to get up early tomorrow. With the entire day off I'm left on my own to sleep all I can. I'm so very happy I'm not on the floor as I expected that I would be. Let's just hope the short couch turns out to be ok.

Day 747 - 7/18 - Lost a home and a family

It's late morning, nearly noon. I slept about 12 hours. I'm going to need it though, as there are going to be many nights in the coming weeks where I'll be lucky to get even 4 hours of sleep.

Today I woke up and I feel like with this recent change I've lost my home and my family. This is a far greater loss than I felt two years ago when I lost my room. With a room it's just a room, even though my roomie was a friend. There are more rooms and they are what you make of them. With a family I was intertwined into other people's lives and they mine. I knew where they were going in life, what they were accomplishing, what they hoped and dreamed. We laughed and shared all the time. I have no idea how I will get along without them. It's going to take quite a while to rebalance to single homeless life. It will be much easier when summer is over and I'm back in school. But for now, particularly right now while I have no car, it seems impossibly difficult.

Today I'll probably do a lot of house packing and straightening up. There is still a lot left here undone and I think the not-sis has no help with finishing besides me. She will be back on Monday and Wednesday, but I think she will be alone. I can help Monday, but Wednesday I can't, as I have a couple of work shifts splitting up my day.

I'll still do car research too. C said I should take the car somewhere else and get a second opinion. She thinks it wouldn't be as much to fix as the place estimated and they estimated high to get my money. She did tell me to check parts prices at one site and one part was $180, and goes on sale for less. The $350 full retail price is what I was told at the repair shop. But still, it's not like I have somewhere to park the car to do a $200 repair myself over time. Nor do I have the mechanical knowledge to diagnose and resolve other issues. I'll run some research and see, but it sounds like maybe I should just post the car at a higher value (with 'or best offer') and see what I get. I'll run a check on what cars are out there in the $1500 range and see. There were several like my old one in that range when I last had to look for a car. If I'd have had that much last time I'd have gotten a car I was very happy with.

I'm rapidly getting hungry, which is a good sign. Though I know in the coming days of homelessness that are now upon me since I've lost that 1.5 week buffer at C&H's, now I fear the days of no sleep and barely eating due to sadness and a whacked out system will rapidly come.

Time passes

I'm feeling a bit better now. I had a lunch, even a snack of grapes, and a generous portion sized dinner. More than likely I'll have cupcakes later. I'm watching TV shows now through the Internet.

I am pretty proud of what I did today. I spent probably 5, maybe 6 hours, straightening up and packing. The children's room is done. The family room was almost done and I finished it. I think I'll see if I can do something about the kitchen in a bit. Their pantry is still full and needs to be packed.

Money is just money. (Even though I'm having an impossibly difficult time getting/keeping it these days.) I don't think everyone realizes that. They turn it into some kind of powerful thing that's a symbol; a tool of power or prestige. But it's not. It's what you do with the money. What value the thing has that you used the money on is what matters. Is it of value to you? Some things can't even be bought with money, and those are probably the most important of all.

Day 748 - 7/19 - Good day, sad day

It's nearing 2:30 and I'm at a work site over an hour early just waiting for the shift to start. I could have walked over to a place to use the Internet and come back, but I got to use it this morning at the not-sis, so I'm ok with not using it now. Unfortunately there have been no calls about the car yet. Due to time constraints I may be forced to sell it to a junk yard for very little money. I'd hate to have to take that kind of loss.

I slept ok last night, but not great. I couldn't fall asleep until around 2. I slept until about 10:30. The not-sis family were supposed to be there to do more packing and such at 11, so I got up and got ready for that. They didn't show up until about 11:30, but then I was like 'Yea!' We did some talking and some packing until about 1:30, then the not-sis brought me over to work early.

Now that I'm alone again I feel sad and a bit sick. I haven't eaten lunch - didn't have one with me to eat - but now I don't know if I'm still hungry. What was hunger while I was with the not-family has again turned to a sad sick feeling.

Of course a lot of that could have to do with the car issue. My posting has dropped to $340 after getting no calls yesterday compared to the previous $480 price. There are a ridiculous number of cars being sold right now, so it may be much more difficult to sell than I'd hoped. What with the soft cap of Tuesday I may have a hard time selling it. If I still have no calls by the end of my Tuesday shift I'll have no choice but to tow it to one of my work sites and prey it's not flagged for removal for a few days. In theory I could research junk yard places Tuesday, Wednesday at the latest, possibly even tonight after work, and have it towed there.

I still don't understand why I'm getting such a bad deal with life lately. There are small things that are positive, like I found a bike helmet (with no bike) in the ex-garage that fits me perfectly that I'll be borrowing, I did sell my last broken car for $600, just today I got two thank you / hellos from people on a gaming board for helping/talking and doing my site. But then there is so much sadness in my life. Now I've learnt what it's like to be like a dad. I no longer have thoughts of what it could be like, but I instead know what it is like. I now feel the pain of having that taken away and have no idea when I'll have my own family. I can't find a job with steady hours, so I still have no truly stable income after over 2.5 years of looking, nearly all of my older friends basically ignore my cries of pain or requests for help, be they subtle or obvious.

Though, I am still very thankful for the little things I can have. But it confounds me as to why it seems every last thing in my life must always be broken or hindered in some way. Is it some kind of cosmic karma and I'm the sin eater that gets to take all the bad so others may have a happy and trouble free life? I just don't get it.

Time passes

It's late, just after midnight. I'm hiding near one of my works in the bushes. The repair shop guy said I should try starting the car. I did, but it didn't start. It did the same thing as before. I requested he please please try checking the fuses, as that's where it sounded like the buzzing was coming from. (Something I'd have discerned Friday if I had a home to park the car at to get a moment to diagnose it.) I'd be surprised if his mechanics didn't check that though.

I wish I could have gone back to the not-sis' place tonight. Well, the ex-place. There was no way to though. The busses don't run this late. And even if I could have they don't run early enough to get me back for my morning shift. I'm on my own with the cold outside; as I may be for quite some time.

Hopefully tomorrow I can get the bike set up. We couldn't get it earlier because there was no room in the car. At least that will get me some mobility to check some hiding spots I once knew.

I think the light I'm using will shut off soon. Maybe I can feel a bit safer and get some rest soon too.

Day 749 - 7/20 - Sneaking and running

It's nearing 8:30 in the morning. I would be lucky if I got three solid hours of sleep last night if the times I slept were all added together. I feel sick from lack of sleep. Thank the gods I can sleep at the not-sis' ex-house tonight.

Last night, not too long after I wrote, I noticed some police cars pass by on the street. Mind you I was in a darkened spot unlikely to be seen from 15 feet away let alone the roughly two baseball fields away the street was. But still, the first didn't seem unusual. It was the second pass, then a third by a different car when I started to worry. That one pulled into the lot. I ran as fast as my little legs would carry me through the maze that is the school buildings to try and get distance before he was close enough to see me. They must have been looking for someone near the street out there because I didn't see them again for the rest of the night. But good god did they scare me. I'm so very worried being out here exposed on foot. In the future I'll have a bike to get around. There may be other, less suspicious park locations that I know of. Here is the issue though; I can have a higher risk location with the option to de-alarm a work location and put away my bike and large bag, making me far less suspicious looking (then turn the alarm back on (which in itself increases risk if the on/off log is examined even though everyone uses the same alarm code)), or I can be somewhere else, but at a higher risk of overall suspicion due to all the bags I'm carrying and inability to hide them or the bike.

I really don't know how I'll make it with no car. Like if we just look at Wednesday and Thursday; Wednesday I'm done for the day at 5:15, and Thursday at 3:45. What am I supposed to do for the remainder of the evenings and afternoon until my shift on the following morning?

In a room/home this would be easy. Plenty to occupy my time with, even if it's just relaxing somewhere safe and private. And with a car, foooo, easy stuff. Hop in and get there right before my shift, doesn't matter what time it is. Even without having a place to stay during the night at least with a car I could easily get to busy spots without raising suspicion.

Well, let us pray for the car situation to be resolved quickly - either by the mechanics testing my fuse theory and getting back my car, or let us hope that I have enough money two Thursdays from now to find something I'm comfortable buying.

Bye for now. Let's hope today turns out to at least be more productive in the afternoon and restful in the evening than it does not. I've got some very hard times on the street ahead of me in the coming days.

Time passes

I'm finally at the not-sis' ex-home. (Closer to 2 hours of bus rides than not.) I cried a little when I got here. I miss them so much. And I will miss me so much. A great part of me was here too. This was the first home I'd truly had in over two years. The first true family I've ever had. While C&H's place came very close, I don't know that I ever felt as at-home as I have here with the not-sis. I'm not sure why. Maybe it was because I'm more in control of things here.

But I'm here for the last night and the last day. Once I leave tomorrow morning I can never return. A big part of me will be lost forever.

Tonight will be the last night on a sort of bed here. Tomorrow will be my last morning here ever. And when I've left, I don't know how long it will be before I return to a bed, a home, and a family like this.

Week 108

Day 750 - 7/21 - More than one last night

It's just before my first work shift today. I'm so very sad. Tonight hopefully I can get one last night in what will be an empty house. I don't know where I'll go after that. And trips will be so expensive. I'm spending double what I would on gas on these short trips that should be 20-30 minutes but which are taking me 1-1.5 hours, not counting the 5-45 minutes of additional walking. The cost hit will really hurt my speediness into getting a new car. I've already lost $16-20 when the costs would have been zero because I already had nearly a full tank of gas. I don't think I will be able to get any of that $900 back either. I'll see what legal recourse I have, I already sent an email, but there is likely nothing I can do.

I don't understand why noone is helping. I put out an official cry for help on Facebook, and as of this morning there were no positive replies at all. If I knew someone in trouble and had anything at all I could offer to help I would, even if it meant a cash loan to help them get back into a car sooner.

I don't know what to do. This has gone on for so long. I don't know what else I can do. I can't get into a shelter because I'm not on drugs, alcohol, or with other medical issues. I can't find more work despite my attempts. I can't seem to find anyone willing to give me garage space or a couch. And now I've lost my car. I don't know what will become of me anymore. My heart is now empty and all that is left is pain and sadness. I try to cling to hope, but it seems like a dim light fading in the night.

Time passes

There has been a bit of good news for the day at least. My stuff that was at the not-sis has made it back to my ex-garage storage safely. More importantly I can stay one final night in the not-home. There may not be power, there may not be Internet, but I can stay.

I think part of why I have been so sad about it was that it really was the closest to a home that I've possibly ever come. I could bring stuff there. I could put my stuff in places of my choosing, and although I slept outside in my car I was free to come and go as much as I needed or wanted. At C&H things are different. Even when we had plans to put me in the garage there were always limits. I couldn't watch my shows when I chose. (They never even really asked if I wanted to.) I could only put my stuff in designated areas. I never controlled or influenced the environment in ways I chose. But most of all I was only there on a temporary basis - just until I got my own place. With the not-sis' place I could stay as long as they were there. (Which, sadly, has turned out to be much shorter than originally planned. Though they are not leaving the country. They are instead around an hour's drive away.)

Since I got the news about one last night in what was basically my last home, my mood has lifted. I feel as if maybe things can improve and get better. Nearly every aspect of today in an attempt to recover has met with some fail. There are still no offers of help from my online plea. There is no reply from the people about moving the lemon law forward. I'd hoped to get a pro-rated monthly bus pass for the remainder of the month, but for some crazy reason they don't do that, which means the cist in time for this month's bus rides will total around $65, nearly the full $70 a pass would have cost compared to what would have been about $55 had I been going back and forth to C&H's every day, or $30-40 to the not-sis' place. If I don't get my returned notebook money in the early half of next week it might be best for me to assume that I need a bus pass for next month. With my trips adding up to roughly $70 in two weeks I would save money if I needed to stay on busses longer than those first few weeks in August. (Which means I'm likely facing yet another tragically sad birthday.) I could potentially save something like $400 more to put towards a car if I do have to wait until two paychecks from now. Hopefully the base $1,100 I should have would be enough. There were several cars I liked in the $1,000 range last time. The problem was I didn't have that much. With $1,500 I could even look at the cute cars I like but with hard tops instead of soft.

I guess I'm a little rambly lately, but with all of these hour+ long bus rides I've had a lot of time to think about stuff.

But if I could, I'd much rather have little to do save for listening to the children play, or even argue. I miss having peeps I love around me who care for me too.

I hope and pray for better days - not just for myself, but for everyone out there struggling. But I'm afraid that in my case, without being given opportunities to succeed everything remains out of my control.

Time passes

Oh happy day. The not-sis said it was ok for me to stay here through the weekend at least until she comes by Monday morning. I may even see her, as I don't have to leave until around 2. Also, for the moment there is still power and Internet. She said the landlord peep is even considering letting me stay longer until the new tenants come so that there is someone watching the house at night to prevent vandalism. (Though it isn't likely that would happen.)

With my being able to stay here over the weekend things are looking up quite a bit. Even if power and Internet were lost I could still enjoy my time just having private / safe / quiet time.

I won't be able to get back Friday night though due to how late my shift ends, but there is, I suppose, a slim chance a gym person could give me a lift. If not it isn't too bad. I can get back around 10 on Saturday morning, so I'd just have to survive through Friday night.

Things are looking up a slight bit. Hope fills my heart once more.

Day 751 - 7/22 - Bike was fail

I'm at an early shift waiting for the peeps to arrive. I got some decent sleep, but didn't fall asleep until some time after 12:30. I was hoping to be asleep around 10:30, but I knew that wasn't likely to happen. Still, even falling asleep later than I'd hoped, I got almost 6 hours of good sleep. The bus dropped me off so early here that I got to zonk out for another 1/2 hour. I was so gone that when my phone alarm went off I jumped up from being startled.

I forgot to mention the bike was fail. It was a bit too short and when filling up one of the tires (on that first day I had it) one of them exploded. I guess it's ok. Although some of my walking trips are longer they aren't bad. Now that I'm getting used to tweaking the bus trip planning website I can usually find a route where I only have to walk about one or two blocks. In the future though, once I've completely lost the not-home, these distances will increase and I'll see if I can find a bike then. A quick glance showed it would cost about $150 on a bid site that I know of, so I'd have to look on a free board because that's way too much. Since I don't need one right now I'm not really worried about it. It's still possible I could be in a car again not this coming weekend but the one after. I may actually be able to stay at the not-home during that time. We'll see.

That's it for my day so far. After this shift I've got about a 2 hour window where I'll grab some food to stock myself up for the weekend, then I've got a short shift, then it's back to the not-home by 5 where I can hopefully use teh Internets and watch my shows for a relaxing evening.

Day 752 - 7/23 - Commuting day

It's late afternoon during what could be called a 15 minute layover between busses. Today is commuting day. By the time I get to my second work location I will have spent over 4.25 hours on busses and about an hour walking. If I can't find a gym peep to give me a ride back tonight I can add about another hour walking and 1.5 hours on two trains. Though about 2 hours of those rides were not really necessary. I could have avoided it. The reason is that this morning I had what would have been a 2.5 hour training which turned out to only be half an hour, leaving a potential 8.75 hour window to do nothing. I decided to spend an hour getting back to the not-home and 1.5 hours coming back to the next work location, leaving me with about 5 hours at the not-home. I'm very glad I did. I went back to sleep and got 2.5 more hours of sleep, as well as getting something I needed to mail into the mail, and had a little bit of time to surf news and gaming boards. I didn't check for jobs or glance at cars. I can do that tomorrow after sleeping in.

Despite the horrendous amount of time wasted in travel, and all the plans I had wished for my life during these days being destroyed, I feel surprisingly at peace today. My suffering will lesson and heal given enough time after getting re-established, and while I am truly poor, money is only money. Provided that I do eventually get back into a home, my days of not gaming and losing money on all this car poop will eventually come to an end.

I'm still not sure what to do with my life though - exactly how to recover. I guess my Masters level teachers were right in that I don't really shine at that A+ level in anything. I'm pretty much a B level guy. But, I maintain that level over multiple subjects and fields. But with it being so late in life for learning, and with such limited resources, is there a way I could apply myself and get into a new field? The ones I'd hoped and wished for myself certainly don't seem to be working out - but is there still time to start something else that I may be good at? With the level of schooling required and time to build a history in the field, I just don't know.

Day 753 - 7/24 - Relaxing day, but sad too

It's early evening/night. Pretty soon it will be time to eat dinner and watch my one show that I have online.

Today was pretty good. I got to sleep in. I almost got up at 9:30, but after a while I finally settled back to sleep until 12:30. I got up, started laundry, did a few hours of cleaning/straightening, then distracted myself for a few hours playing a free game. If I can get high enough level I'm entered to win an M11x, so that would be very helpful.

It was a good day in the not-home. A relaxing day. But it was sad too. I miss my not-family. I miss having friends around me. As I'm here more and more I find my mind longing for and remembering times when I could watch my movies and play my games. My days here are few, and with no word yet from the not-sis those days may end Monday morning.

I will manage. I will continue on somehow. I must. I have no choice it seems. And still I wonder; why me? Why am I the one to not have enough income? To not find a decent career? To hae not one, but two cars mysterously die in the space of the last three months? To not have friends that can help me? To not have a sweetie that can help? It seems like an awful lot of suffering and sadness for one person to bear.

Day 754 - 7/25 - The last night

I'm still pretty sad about not knowing if I can stay. Even if I could though my time in the not-home will run out soon.

I'm getting worried about my ankle. With all of this walking it's feeling sore and more swollen again. I'm afraid I won't get a real chance to check it out until I get a car again. Maybe if I'm allowed to stay here I can look into where exactly the hospital is in relation to the busses.

I have a show to watch with dinner, so that's happy. And I get to sleep in. I don't have to leave for work until 2:15, and I'll probably get to see the not-sis before that. Hopefully she will have good news for me, but she said to expect to not be able to stay. Seeing as I've heard nothing yet that likely means I can't stay. I guess we'll see.

Not much else going on. I had a work shift this morning and my life is basically on hold due to all of my various uncontrollable sad things.

It's quiet and calm here. This may be one of the last private quiet and calm moments I have for a long time. I have no idea when I'll really get back into a car, and even when I do I've nowhere to go after here. I guess, as always, my life is in Fate's hands.

Time passes

Well, I just got official word that tonight is indeed the last night in the not-home. I don't know how much sleep I'll be able to get with that news, despite being exhaustedly tired and it's only just now 10. I'll try and sleep, but I have a feeling I may not get much sleep at all. Maybe my plea on Facebook will turn something up, but with the not replies I got last time it's very unlikely that I'll get any offers of help. Basically none of the people I knew in the area are still around. They have all moved on. Noone is close. And with no car, getting around may be difficult. I got very lucky here at the not-house in that the bus stop is across the street and connects right up to busses that go to my work locations.

Well, I knew the days of me being on the street would come again. Being without a car though things will be extremely rough. And after somewhere around 7 months of being able to be on the not-sis' lot or at C&H's it may be extra tough getting used to being in my car and on the street again.

I can only hope that Fate has a plan for me, and that the plan turns happy again very soon.

Day 755 - 7/26 - Not the plan

Today hasn't gone as planned. It hasn't gone badly per-say, save for the regular sad homeless things.

It started around 9:30 when I got up for the last time at the not-home. I took a shower and by about 10:15 the not-sis and family was there. They packed up a few last things, and while we were doing that the owner and one of the new tenants showed up. I had to leave when the not-sis left shortly after 11:30. That was much earlier than I was expecting. I guess it worked out ok, as I got dropped off at the ex-house. I got to put my stuff away proper in the ex-garage. I grabbed some food and movies for tonight, and now I'm here for work half an hour early.

I miss my games. I miss my movies. I miss the few toys I have. I don't know what to do to recover other than to keep looking for more/different work. I still need to continue with school too, or I owe an additional ~$800 per month in loan repayments as I've used up all of my deferment time.

I suppose though life isn't as terrible as it could be, even with my being on the street. I do have work, quite a bit of hours at the moment since it's summer. I do have access to showers at work and other places. I do have a system now, all-be-it a fairly low powered netbook that can't really game.

I don't know... I suppose I'll manage though somehow, but it seems so often that I'm living my life differently than everyone else - that noone else is suffering and struggling so much to get back what so many take for granted on a daily basis.

Time passes

Strange thoughts and feelings just now. I got my gray tank top earlier from the ex-garage, I'd had only my blue one since I lost the car because my gray one was with my dirty cloths which I dropped off. For some reason when I put it on again just now (to wear under my shirt because I'm getting chilly), for some reason it smelt and felt like home. Like after work I'll be going back to a room that's mine. Or like tomorrow when I check messages there will be a something and my journey will be over. It's probably nothing. Probably just a smell from when I was back in the ex-house and being in the ex-garage triggered things. I did sneak in to the ex-house when everyone was out back because I needed to run in to poop. (The nearest bathroom is not at all close on foot.) Maybe thoughts came back to me then and only just now hit me. But now I feel like I'm going to cry. I'm not going home tonight. I'm out on the street. I don't even have a car to stay in. And since it's been two years already... I have no idea when I'll be back in a place again, or if I'll ever truly feel like I have a safe and permanent home ever again.

Day 756 - 7/27 - Admit one, not

There were some nice seeming girls on the bus riding over. They were talking about ComicCon last weekend, and being super excited about Tron Legacy, and Big Bang Theory, and all sorts of the shows and movies that I love. I thought about saying something because they are exactly the kind of peeps I'd love to be friends with. But I didn't because it made me sad. While their excitement level is a touch more rare, people who like these things are everywhere. Why would they want to include me in their friend circle if I don't otherwise know them? I'd love to have friends that share my interests, who knows I may even find a sweetie in such a circle. But how do you get into a circle? You can't just be like, 'Will you be my friend?' That may work when you are young, but when you are in your teen years and later that really doesn't work.

There is a ticket on the desk here, "Admit one." Life is, in some ways, like a carnival ride. You get on, have fun, and find some people to share your experience with. But if you are working at the carnival, if you have no ticket, then what? You see people come and go, yet you can never share their joy, never have the same experience as them.

I'd love to go to ComicCon, BlizzCon, PAX (West); no doubt I'd find peeps at each one who share my excitement and enthusiasm. Will I ever be admitted to any of their circles? Since I'm not already holding a ticket can I ever get back into a circle? Will I ever be able to afford any one of the conventions, let alone all three every year?

I certainly hope so, but I haven't been to a convention in about 13 years, and I haven't made new friends in longer than that. As time goes on, more and more from those times seemingly fade further and further from my grasp.

Time passes

Well, I had this great idea to come to the mall after my work shift since today I only work 2 hours in the morning. However, the mall is full of fail. I can't connect to any sites at speeds fast enough to actually do anything. It looks like the school's library is open from the morning until early evening, so I'll probably go there for a bit. I wouldn't want to check jobs or for a car from there, as that's something I want to do on my system so links are tracked, but I should be able to surf boards and watch shows... unless they are locking me out for not currently being a student. Well, either way, I've got about 9 hours before I could consider settling in to sleep somewhere, so there is no real rush to go anywhere. Besides, I have to get to school anyways to transfer busses, so it's already on the way.

Time passes

It's about 4:45 at school. I was surprised by the number of people on campus today. It looks like the cafeteria is open from like 7 AM until 2 PM Monday through Thursday, and the area it's in is still open now. So I've access to decent nom and decent Internets (though all games are blocked). Once I get a car again I may spend more time here than at the mall. It's a bit better atmosphere, I don't worry about strangers really, there is a bit healthier nom, among other things. They do block gaming, but all I have access to is WoW, and my account is currently expired. I'm not sure how much I'd want to actually play though. The 4-15 FPS average is really crazy since I got used to my desktop again.

I complained to the better business bureau about the lemon car as a pre-step to further pursuing lemon legality since I'd hit some walls finding help with that. Apparently the guy has 30 days to respond and I'm guessing he will wait as long as he can, or flat deny my claim. Hopefully he will accept my demand for 85% of my purchase price, $765, and I can just move on. While not all of my money, particularly adding bus and taxi fees on top of what I paid, that $765 should allow my life plan to get back on track with what I hoped to do with my savings this summer. I wouldn't have the $500-750 when all is said and done that I originally estimated, it would be closer to $250-500, but it would be some cushion, and I would have access to all my games, so my life would be as happy as it can in things I have some control over.

Well, I'm off to find the bus stop back. I have to get back to the other hub early to return the movies I got for Monday. Bye for now.

Comments and stuff Copyright E. Stryker 2008-2010
Pictures for Epic Fail are taken by me. :)

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