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Epic Fail: The Journal of a Homeless Gamer
Book 3: oh noes

This is my journal I wrote during the time I was homeless. It is broken up by week for easier reading. Feel free to read it on the web or download the complete .pdf version and print it for reading offline.

Week 149

Day 1037 - 5/4 - First hotness of 2011

Today was the first day of hotness. My weather app thingy is showing a high of 85F. It's night time hiding time and it's showing that it's still 70F now. It feels much hotter though. I think I've gotten used to the cold since my early homeless days. Tomorrow I'm considering wearing a tank top and shorts, that's how hot it's predicting.

I suppose today went ok. I slept in. I did my online work for my friend. I watched a short show. I wanted to do one of the class readings, but it seems that class' book isn't in the library either. Both classes will be annoyingly hard if the books don't get put on hold.

Nothing changed today in terms of jobs or other life stuff. A few people were friendly towards me though, and although that really changes nothing long-term, short term it made me feel less invisible and at least a little bit acknowledged as an individual and possible special person.

Day 1038 - 5/5 - Cracked

Today was an extra sad day. I woke up in my car (at school) hot, which was good in that I was warm, but bad in that I was overly hot. I put on shorts and a t-shirt and started my day. I had lunch, then went straight to doing schoolwork. But, gee, shock and surprise the book still isn't there. After three weeks it's still not there after the professor basically insulted me on the first night saying it was, despite the fact that I looked twice and the librarian looked three different ways. That's now preventing me from doing my homework for several assignments. I wrote the professor saying I can't do her homework without the book, and buying one is a huge deal for me, let alone that her class has two books. That would be an entire week's pay for me, 50% of an entire paycheck. Yes, if I drain my savings and everything else I have I could get them, and I may need to do that, but it's kind of an unspoken rule that professors need to provide books on reserve in the library for students like me. It's been impossible for me to get into a studious mood since I have no books this semester in the library to borrow.

But something worse happened. My phone slipped from my hand and hit the brick floor at exactly the angle that the current case is vulnerable. Now there is a hairline crack across the entire bottom. It's fully functional still, and now, hiding in the dark, if I look straight at the phone I can't really see it, but still. I did get the full replacement policy, so I'll likely go into my records and look into that. But it makes me very sad. I wouldn't need to be out so much if I weren’t homeless. I wouldn't have been in that place at that time. If I had just a little more money I'd have gotten the other case I wanted, which would not have been vulnerable in that spot. Now my phone is cracked, flawed, broken, and unable to be perfect. Much like me and my life I too feel cracked, broken, and unable to be viewed as normal. It makes me sad it happened and has reminded me of how fragile and at-risk my life is. On any given day, at any given moment, it could happen again, or it could happen to my laptop, or it could happen to either in a way that breaks them completely... or it could happen to me... and I could be no more.

Day 1039 - 5/6 - Not schoolwork day

Today I felt like doing schoolwork. The library is empty and very calm and quiet on Fridays. It almost becomes a private space for me. It certainly feels very different than the normal hustle and bustle that's there. I couldn't though, as I have no books. I know it sounds like an excuse, but it is what it is. Even if I got As in the class instead of Bs that I've been averaging in recent times I doubt it would make a difference. I'm still being hindered by either no jobs to apply to at all or experience being required that I don't have. Being a male trying to get into a field with little ones I get lots of hesitation and resistance despite the fact that every class I go to is thrilled and excited that there's a male there.

I guess overall today was ok. There were no disasters, and I had a nice time with a few friendly guildies and finished podcast 13.

Day 1040 - 5/7 - Not online

Today was ok. I spent most of it not online. I started at school while it was closed and posted podcast 13 and watching a few shows. My butt got pretty cold though. It wasn't as warm as it was supposed to be. On Wednesday it was like 80F, but I'd guess the day was mostly around 70F, so we've lost the warmth. It even sprinkled at night. I wasn't really in the mood for my online game. I didn't really group and was only there a few hours. Mostly I played single player games and stayed offline.

I think I wasn't into being online because it's the weekend again and I'm sad. Yet another week passed with no change. Although I feel very productive to my people - helping by my site, helping with direct advice, entertaining with my podcasts - I don't know if anyone else will consider me of value. And I wonder if my homelessness will ever end.

Day 1041 - 5/8 - Momz day

Nothing really special today in my life. I had a work shift this morning which was just about completely quiet because there were no morning groups. I tried to play online after, but everywhere was busy, so I went to play single player games in the library. I had a healthier dinner for fast food choices, then played online for a few hours.

Oh, I guess something sort of different happened. I had a decent idea for a sort of theme for podcast 14, and I put 25 minutes into it for just the first section, so 14 may turn out to be quite large whenever it is that I finish it.

I got a donation recently, so that will help get armor for my phone. I still haven't looked up if/how to replace mine. I'm sort of getting used to the crack. It doesn't bother me as much, but it's still very sad.

Well, maybe tomorrow will be a better day.

Day 1042 - 5/9 - Too lagged

I guess today was ok. I slept a ton and didn't wake up until almost noon. I was likely catching up from only getting 5 hours Saturday night / Sunday morning. I don't know why I couldn't sleep before work Sunday. I had over an hour I could have napped at work before people came in, and as it turned out they canceled, so I could have had 4 hours.

On campus I did my regular job searching then messed around for just a very short while. With sleeping so late I had no time before laundry until I had to leave for work. Work went ok. I didn't do any podcasting after. I haven't thought of more to say yet. I've got an extra shift tomorrow in theory.

There wasn't a response from either professor about the books not being in the library. I guess tomorrow I may have to go buy at least one. I'm worried about one class because it seems I'll need to do a lot of up-close need permission type observations of kids, and I don't have access to any since the not-sis moved away. There's a center here at the school, but it's mostly far away don't get statistical data on the kids kind of observations. Well, it turns out how it turns out. As with everything else in my life Fate has brought me here, and all I can do is work with what I have; for better or worse.

Day 1043 - 5/10 - Sad thoughts

I guess today I'll be closing the fail week out a bit early. I have a work shift tonight, so I can't wait too much later in the day to finish and post it. I could wait until tomorrow, but I don't think much will change for the rest of the day as I've already done a job search and will be leaving for work in about 1.5 hours.

I've been having a lot of sad / depressed thoughts lately. It's nothing terrible, new, or anything to worry about, just sad. More and more I wonder if anthing will ever change for me. Classes and advancement, what little there's been, hasn't changed anything. Passing the CBEST hasn't changed anything. More units in child development haven't helped me in applications. Jobs to apply for as a whole are becoming fewer and fewer with greater and greater competition. And typically everyone around me when I'm at school are about half my age. Even in the evening classes where the age averages a fair bit higher people are still often 10-15 years younger. While there are many who are friendly, the odds of finding a true friend or circle of friends who would want me to hang out with them outside of randomly passing them here on campus is very very low. The odds of finding love even lower. (Though just today Fate did send a very beautiful and attractive girl near to me. She sat down on the other side of my barriered paired library desk. They are divided into private cubbies, so I could only see the top of her head as she flicked her long black hair around while pondering her school stuffs.)

I suppose the terrible journey isn't all bad. If it weren't for my free time to ponder things, and a few people suggesting it, I likely would have never started doing podcasts. I like them and it seems at least a few out there so far have found them interesting and entertaining. Having no friends offline in my life right now I can see how it's even more important to be able to find things like that which have shared interests as you so that you don't feel quite as disconnected from others. Even if you don't know the person or people in the podcast you can feel at least some hope and joy that someone out there is enjoying the same things as you, or had previous experiences that are similar.

I'm worried about my health too. Though my blood pressure is getting a little better, it's still not great, and I fear without a place to cook it will remain bad, and without a calm private space to be in and relax I fear I may have a very difficult time changing my lifestyle to be happy and at peace with the notion of doing a little exercise now and then to work off this weight. Which again I wonder if I'd even be able to do as long as I don't have a place to cook and keep healthier foods.

As always I hope tomorrow will be a better day and bring some change to allow me to move forward, but more and more lately I wonder if what I have is it for me, and that I will never be able to regain what I've lost.

Week 150

Day 1044 - 5/11 - The party not mine

Tonight I was downloading some podcasts. A few doors down from the store another store was blasting music. It sounded like someone was having a great time. Once upon a time in my life I knew loud music party kind of people. I myself was never in the kind of lifestyle to throw that kind of party, nor was I ever the person being celebrated at such a party. I thought to myself how nice it must be to be that kind of person. It's been years since multiple people gathered to celebrate me. I can't even clearly remember when it was more than half a dozen who I genuinely cared about and who genuinely cared about me. It's been years since I got more than a few reminders and celebrations of me. I don't mean to sound selfish, quite the opposite. I am hoping to remind everyone out there to celebrate those who are important in your life. Celebrate large, as they said once upon a time. It's important to remind people they are special, they are important to you, that they do matter in your life, and that your life is better in some way with them in it and a part of it.

I don't know that I've ever really felt that way. There are a few people here and there that made me feel it, and in recent times a few rabb1t friend / fans have shown up and sent kind words, a donation, or a gift at gift giving times. But the big celebration, that loud music, that house full of guests chatting, laughing, and having a good time and sharing stories... I may never have that. Like so many things I may never have in my life I will miss that experience. I may never have a life that is celebrated. I wonder lately if I will have a life at all much beyond what little I've clung to.

I hope you readers out there have enough friends and loved ones around you that you can properly celebrate life and each other. Don't let those times pass you by. It's the person you are celebrating; that accomplishment, that event, those are just a change within the whole of that person. Celebrate them while you can. Don't ever let anyone forget that you think they matter.

Day 1045 - 5/12 - Not total coverage

So I checked into my phone coverage today and it seems it is not total coverage. The one most critical thing I spent the extra $75-90, whatever it was, does not cover breakage. How messed up is that? If I want to replace my cracked screen it would cost $30. I may do that eventually, but it's lame that had I not gotten that coverage I could have fixed it or gotten a more protective case long ago. If the screen below the glass were damaged it would have been $200, which is ridiculous as that's the cost of the whole phone.

I did some stuff for my class today. It took about 2-3 hours, over half the time I had before class to do stuff. I tried to do my online work for my friend, but the server was giving some kind of error, so I'll have to do it tomorrow when I would otherwise be watching shows.

I'm so behind on life now. I have a bunch of reading for that class to do still, some dumb project stuff to do, and when I last checked on Tuesday I've got 19 shows in my queue.

Everything seems like it's continuing to get worse and falling further and further behind as the days move on.

Day 1046 - 5/13 - Threw up a little

I got sick a bit tonight and threw up a little. It was just a tiny bit, but after work I suddenly didn't feel good and bleh out it came. I think it was the micro dinner I had. I've been eating these new steamer types, healthier choices of food for what I have to choose from, and the one I ate tonight was an old-school type and 'junky' in comparison. My poor tummy is so fragile lately.

I couldn’t play my online game from work. Again the connection was poop and unplayable. I don't know why but for the past like month neither of my work locations have had very stable connections. I've lost some or all of my playtime. It's ok. I've gotten very into Fallout 3 now. At first I had a hard time getting into it, but now that I'm getting to know the world and I'm getting used to the things that bugged me, I'm liking it a lot.

I finished podcast 14 and will post it in the morning. I guess it's only been a week since I did the last. I doubt I'll continue the trend of releasing sooner than every other week, but I don't know. The more I can play and have fun the more things keep coming to mind to talk about. It would be awesome if I didn't have to work and could spend all my time doing rabb1t stuff. With more time to work on my site, play games, and start going to conventions, I bet I'd have even more interesting things to talk about and information to help people with. Everyone should be able to find or make a job that would make them happier if you ask me.

Well, that's all I can think of for today.

Day 1047 - 5/14 - Not much

Not much happened today. I suppose it was ok. I slept in. I got to play for a bit. And I got a short work shift. Oh, I did post podcast 14 in the morning, but that really was the only thing of interest.

Day 1048 - 5/15 - Too hungry, too full

I started today way too hungry after a work shift. Even though I had lunch my tummy wanted more lunch. I got a second lunch as it were, then I was overly full. I got an average sized dinner and again felt way too full.

I put my new case on my phone and totally love it. It covers all the glass bits and nothing is vulnerable. (Save for a pointy thing hitting the front, which no case could protect from.) I even saw someone today with my old case and showed them the damage and warned them. They felt ok about the risk and didn't want to change. That's their choice I guess. Hopefully nothing bad will happen.

I've had a good time with guildies in the game today, and saw the super cute mousie visitor at work. I put a cracker out for him and he sneakily ate it. But I'm so very sad lately. I'm tired of days like today where I wanted to sleep in a bed, where I feel a bit sick and want extra quiet restful time, where I want to eat just a little, but can't because I can't store my food. Life is ok, all things considered, and I'm managing as best as I can, but everything weighs on me so much. I have my shows and movies, but it's so hard to enjoy them in limited form. I have to oversaturate myself in crowded public areas. I can't eat healthy cooked food because there's no realistic way to cook. Today things seem sad. My life seems sad.

Day 1049 - 5/16 - Stupid studying

I got up really late today, after noon. I think my body was catching up a bit. Sunday I had a morning work shift and couldn't sleep in, and there have been several nights lately I couldn't sleep until 2 or later. I may have a cold too. Since I threw up a bit on Friday I've been feeling icky in my tummy, congested, and occasionally sneezing.

I did my note making or my stupid test on Thursday. I'll be trying to study that over the next few days. It's all really basic stuff. I don't like the class though. The professor has been indirectly mean and insulting towards me, when it's her fault I didn't have a textbook for three weeks. If she'd just believed me or at least checked if it was in the library instead of refusing to believe what I said I'd have not been behind.

Someone got me all upset and stuff in game too. Almost immediately when I logged in they sent a confusing line of tells that didn't make sense. I had to unconfuse them over 10 minutes, which basically amounted to them asking me to help with killing stuff some 20 levels lower than me.

Not a terribly good day most of today I suppose, but my life is what it is. I'm trying to change it and remain hopeful, but nothing seems to change.

Day 1050 - 5/17 - Another week's end

Today doesn't seem overly sad, though it's most certainly my regular sad. I slept in very late again, watched a few shows, and did the input of Epic Fail. There were some other rabb1ty things to attend to with the launch of a new graphics card, so that got posted as well. I really want to do new system builds, but there just hasn't been time with all the school junk I've been needing to do. Maybe I'll have time this weekend.

A towel has mysteriously disappeared. I had it in the morning yesterday, but I don't recall putting it into the laundry, and it certainly didn't come back. I have no clue how it disappeared between being in the car in the morning and the laundry. Maybe it slipped out of the cart carrying it in and someone swiped it. Well, I guess if someone really needed it that bad they can keep it. I got it on sale I think for $5, so it could probably fairly easily be replaced. Maybe it was turned in to lost and found at the laundry. I may stop by and ask Friday if I remember. It's near my work locations, so it's not local to me on days I don't work.

Life still seems very sad. I'm very happy doing the podcasts and a few people have seemed to enjoy them. I still seem to get puzzled looks or comments when I mention it to people though. I guess they aren't as well known as I though. I'd have thought everyone knew what podcasts were, as I seemed to be the last person on the planet to hear about them. It's only early evening now, and I'm about to go get dinner and spend some time playing online. Though I'm looking forward to it, at the same time I'm not. I'm extremely grateful and happy to be able to play now, but the thought of needing to go somewhere public, somewhere loud, somewhere that I may or may not have enough bandwidth to connect, where I may or may not have any extra bandwidth to do anything like download and update things in the background while I'm doing it. My life today has freedoms I didn't have a few months ago, and even more than when I started this terrible journey, but it's still so far from what everyone else seems to have every day, and every day people seem to very easily forget everything that they have.

Comments and stuff Copyright E. Stryker 2008-2011
Pictures for Epic Fail are taken by me. :)

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