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Epic Fail: The Journal of a Homeless Gamer
Book 3: oh noes

This is my journal I wrote during the time I was homeless. It is broken up by week for easier reading. Feel free to read it on the web or download the complete .pdf version and print it for reading offline.

Week 117

Day 813 - 9/22 - Brief blurb before class

It's early dinner time just before 5. I'm so hungry. That's probably a good sign as my depression has left me not interested in eating lately. I splurged a bit and got a hamburger meal here at school. A bit pricy, but you get about what would cost 25% more at a restaurant, so it's a good deal for the price.

I'm feeling a bit less sad, probably because I'm not stressing out over the car, but I've been sort of scared lately. The 'there's a monster in the closet, what's that noise?' kind of scared. Not at the level you get when you are a kid, but it seems odd to be startled and fearful of shadows or sounds.

Not much else to say. It looks like I can still use the side room to access my site, so that's good. I could also just pop out a landline, but this is easier. I looked through car postings; only one to reply to. One of my classes is tonight. Hopefully that won't have a bunch of dumb assignments like the last.

Guess that's it for now.

Day 814 - 9/23 - Not a research assistant

It's almost 5. I'm totally hungry and going to have nom early again tonight. I guess I'm feeling ok, despite feeling a bit achy and queasy from only getting 5 hours of sleep.

I had another MRI scan this morning and to my surprise I saw the beeeeeautiful researcher again. She's not a "research assistant" though. She seemed kinda bugged when I called her that. I am sad if I hurt her feelings. Everyone else calls her that, but I guess she's got a full degree (not sure what level) and she's a full time paid employee who's basically done with school. She seemed kinda aloof (?) this time, not really seeming interested in my advances. We talked together for a bit, as she escorted me out then had to take some data the same way I was going. I was a shy bunnah and didn't really know what to say. If it was a date I would have failed. There was the awkward silence much of the time. I didn't expect her to jump into my arms when she saw me and say, 'oh mr. rabb1t, I looked at your site and you are so romantic and so sad, I'd be happy to date you!', but it's still sad to feel a chemistry towards someone and it seems they don't share that. Still, nice to know that I can still feel it, but sad to be reminded I haven't found someone who feels the same.

Nothing on jobs or cars today. It looks like it will be yet another weekend for me without a car. I'm trying to stay positive about it and think that this is Fate's way of saying to me to be open to things and that my hopes for a laptop before the end of the year may still work out. I try to stay hopeful about, well everything, yet I just feel so out of control of my life.

Day 815 - 9/24 - Reduced side-effects

Lunch time. I feel ok, less side-effecty today. Emotions are balancing out a bit, though still oddly higher than usual. The doc mentioned I should even back out after about three weeks, which I think is about mid next week, so they should hopefully fade completely away soon.

Not much out there for cars today but that was expected. I have one to possibly look at tomorrow if it's still for sale then. It's super cheap so it will probably sell fast. I guess we'll see after class (or they may email me before then if the car does sell.)

That's really all today so far since it's only lunch time. I did some happy messing around on game boards and watched some shows and checked for cars, and that's really it so far.

Maybe more bla bla later.

Time passes

Well, the possible car didn't pan out. I was told I could come look at it after 5, but having work tonight I couldn't make that time. Oddly though, around an hour after I got that email I was told it was sold, which probably was around 2. So, not only did it sell within hours of my sending an email, a person convinced them to sell it before they had even told me it would be available to go see.

Well, I still remain hopeful that everything will work out, but it certainly looks like this is going to be yet another weekend that drags on and on with few to no options on what I can do. I have class for half of Saturday, so I guess that helps to kill some time, but still. At least I can rest assured that I'm not missing any postings. I haven't checked yet, but I can use my phone to go online and check that I don't miss any ads between when I last checked and the morning. I suppose that's something.

Day 816 - 9/25 - Yet another weird car person

It's 4. I'm waiting on looking at buying a car, but again this guy is being weird. Last night we set up a possible meet time for 3. At 12:45 this morning after my class I called to confirm the time and he said he'd call back at 2 and it looked like we'd instead need to meet up at 4. It's now 4 and I haven't heard back from him at all. I'm not anywhere really out of my way. I'm near by the college at a coffee shop, but still it's frustrating to now be waiting over 2 hours to verify if I'm meeting this guy or not, not to mention I now have $1500 in cash in my pocket. It's like seriously? You just leave a guy hanging like that when you know he's on foot and carrying cash? Again with weird car sellers?

I suppose class seemed ok, but again it seems there will be lots of dumb projects I have to do. I seriously don't understand why every child development class has to have community service or observation hours. It's like seriously, I've taken about a dozen classes and just about every one has them. You don't need to make people do that stuff over and over in every class. I'm probably not going to enjoy either class, but unless I win some lottery money or find a happy high paying job I've no choice but to take them.

*sigh* Again I don't understand why it seems everything in my life has to be tedious, boring, repetitive, or troubled. Why can't my activities be fun and relatively smooth going? I just don't get it.

Time passes

I seem to have been stuck with another flakey person. At this point it's 6:15, more than 4 hours after this guy was supposed to call me back and he still hasn't. I've left two messages and at this point I'm giving up on him. If he's interested in selling he can call me. Very shortly any plans for this weekend I wanted to make will be shot. Soon I'll be on the bus needing to head in the opposite direction of movies because they stop running soon. Instead of getting up and moving after being in a car in the morning I'll have to get up ridiculously early and take the bus to cover for a Sunday work shift. Unless I wanted to lug a big bag around there is no way I can shop or do laundry tomorrow. Another weekend lost.

I suppose there is good news in that while I was waiting for this flake I arranged a possible meeting for Monday. It's a super cute happy car like the two I lost. Sadly though, also like them it's a soft top. I'd again be at risk of super cold temperatures during winter and the possibility of eventual leaks ruining the inside. We'll see. If it's as good as it looks it should be ok out in the open. My first one was fine and its top had been with me for over 5 years. Sadly though I'd worry about my stuff in the car all the time. It's fine in this area really, nothing ever happened in years past, but still I'd worry.

Well, again things seem to remain out of my control and I'll just have to continue to do things one very tiny step at a time.

Day 817 - 9/26 - More flakeiness

It's fairly early at the Sunday shift coverage at nearly 10. I never did hear back from that guy I was supposed to look at the car for. He just completely flaked out. I don't know what's up with that. I'm not going to bother calling him. It was cute enough looking, but a touch higher than I'd have liked to pay. I don't know if the Monday guy is flaking or not either. He was at a party when I messaged him yesterday. He said he'd email me when he got back last night or this morning. I have yet to hear from him. It is still early for most, so I won't really worry about it until after my shift. If I haven't heard from him by then though he's probably flaking. I guess if he does it would be ok. I really shouldn't get a soft top car while homeless, particularly if I'd wind up paying what would probably be $1800 for it. It would be a super happy car long-term, but shot-term the soft top would be a touch stressful and worrisome, not to mention paying that much pretty much would totally cripple my ability to get a laptop any sooner than about mid next year, which is much later than I'd like. If I could keep closer to the $1200 range I would probably be able to get a laptop by the end of the year or early next year. My life would be, theoretically, a lot happier with both a car and a gaming capable laptop. It certainly wouldn't be as happy as in a home on a desktop, but at least then I could freely game and be free from the slow struggles my netbook has on even the most simple of tasks.

I don't know what the day will bring. With no car I really have no plans at all. I have an idea of what I want for dinner, but that's it really. I could have done laundry, but I didn't want to lug my big bag around with me everywhere. Not with all the extra walking I had to do to get to work anyways. Besides, if things work out with the Monday guy I'd happily pay the monies and have a super happy car again. It's the exact kind I'm looking for, and I didn't notice it was a 1999 model, not a 1992 model like most of them are. It has an even nicer look, and there is a chance the walls are better lined for sound and temperature control. Anyways, I guess my day winds up how it winds up. I really have no control over anything. I still can't game outside of my games on my phone. I can surf my boards if I really wanted, which I probably will do. My phone can access the network even though my netbook can't. But besides surfing my boards today I have no clue what the day will bring. I ever try and remain hopeful, but it still seems a very sad life indeed. There are so many little things you take for granted with a regular life that you can't do while homeless. And those things seem like great and wonderful pleasures right now.

Time passes

It's earlyish evening at around 5:30. Still no word from the car guy I was supposed to meet yesterday, nor anything from the guy I'm supposed to meet tomorrow. I sent a message about an hour ago to remind him, but no response yet. If I don't hear back by 9 or so it probably won't happen and I'll try not to worry about it. All this car stuff is causing a pretty tremendous amount of stress in my lower and mid back.

I find myself wondering what would my life be like had I not gotten the car from that dealer? Would I have found one that made me happy? Would I have found one equally cheap but that also didn't make me happy? Would I have been able to get my gaming laptop roughly a month ago like I planned? Would things really be different or would I be just as sad but with a car and better laptop? I suppose I'll never know. Any number of things may have gone better, or even worse. All I can say is that I hope this path Fate has me on will put me where I need to be some day, be that for my benefit or for someone else.

Day 818 - 9/27 - Dumb flakes, starting over

It's early in the day but I don't know what I'll do with my day. I say that because it's 10:30, all my car prospects have fallen through, I've checked all my fun boards, I've checked job boards, and I just had an early lunch. The day has barely just started and it's going to be hours before things refresh. I might do a minor update to my site, I might take a nap (if I can), I haven't decided.

There is good news though. In my hardware checks this morning I saw a system mentioned for $800 that has a bigger screen and built in DVD compared to the M11x. So it's a touch better, though less "portable", and about 20% cheaper. Unless the M11x gets an update by the time I'm looking at buying I'll go with the cheaper one. If I can manage to keep my car costs under $1500 I'd be back on (altered) track for a gaming system at the end of the year. I'm back to the drawing board with cars since everyone has fallen through at this point, so it's entirely possible.

Guess that's all for now.

Day 819 - 9/28 - Contrasts

The contrasts of my life seem really extreme lately. Last night when wandering around after midnight noone was around. I was the only soul out and about save for a car now and then. While not unusual for that time, it seemed like only I and the stars were out. The world was quiet, shadowed, and empty. Only the sound of crickets filled the air. This morning while waiting for the bus things seemed surreal. Places I was just 5 hours earlier were completely transformed. No longer what they were, the sun was out, shadows were almost completely gone, there were joggers and dog walkers everywhere you looked, cars zipped here and there carrying people to work and school.

I guess that's why I try not to think about my homeless self. Things are so different it's almost as if I am two separate selves. The one who has a mostly normal life, seemingly no different than anyone else in appearance, and the me that is alone, unwelcome, and invisible among the shadows, seemingly fading further and further from the other self day by day.

My day hasn't yet started since I just got to campus and it's barely 9. With no car prospects at all I expect of the day is hopefully a nap and Iron Man 2 while I work tonight. I never saw it in theaters. It's one of those things I wanted to share with others, but never had others to share it with at the time.

I guess that's all for now. Maybe there will be a happy surprise later in the day.

Time passes

The study doctors are worried about me. Not just feeling sad and worried about my homeless life, but my blood pressure is pretty bad, so they are worried about my overall health. They are going to hook me up with a prescription medication that should help lower it as well as trying to find me a long-term doctor to track it and be sure I get back down to where I should be. Even though I know they would care about everyone it still seems nice that peeps are worried about me. It's been a while since anyone has responded to Epic Fail, but I know all you readers care too.

No cars to apply to yet. Maybe there will be later. I can check through my fancy phone. I'm still hopeful for this week. Wednesday is a half-day for class, and Thursday I am trading shifts with Fridays, so that's a half-day too, but Friday would be a full day I could look at / check out cars. I guess we'll see.

It's super hot now. It's been record lows lately but the past few days it's spiked up in heat. Last I looked it was over 90 today! The past few days were in the mid 80s. Finally some real summer time, but fooooo it's hot.

Guess that's it for now, possibly the week. Take care peeps.

Week 118

Day 820 - 9/29 - The forgotten day

I actually forgot to make an entry for this day. Nothing eventful happened, which in a way is a good thing. I planned to take a nap but never got around to it. I did take a shower though. Class was ok I suppose. I replied to one car ad late in the night, but I doubt he will reply. Not only is it at my upper limit of what I want to spend, but he's about 30-45 minutes away by car through mountains along the coast, a route I'd have to take a special chartered bus to get through. That was really it for the day.

Day 821 - 9/30 - New work shift Thursday

It's early morning around 9. Nothing going on today, but I'll be somewhat busy. I've got to go to the center of the city to buy a bus pass... unless they happen to sell them here at school, which I guess there is a fair chance of and I hadn't thought of that before. Later I've got my new work shift tonight, traded from Friday. I haven't worked Thursdays in a while and it will be completely strange to have my Friday nights back. It's been about 2.5 years since I've had them off regularly. But then, without access to the shows and my desktop gaming I wouldn't be able to do my previous TV/gaming weekend start celebration anyways.

I guess that's all for now. I continue to hope for change but it seems unlikely to occur this week at this point.

Day 822 - 10/1 - Being alone is sad

It's early evening. I'm waiting for the bus to come to take me to a sanctuary. I guess today was ok, but it seemed very sad and disappointing. There were no cars or jobs to reply to, and due to it being Friday all the boards were quiet. I am thankful for my phone though, as it allows me to continue searching for cars at night regardless of where I am. (Basically I only get a signal my netbook can see at school or the coffee shops. I use my phone everywhere else.)

My day seemed extra lonely and sad. It may be because the weekend is starting for everyone but me, but it may also be because of last night. Last night past about 10:30 I was waiting for the bus and there was this beautiful youngish girl there. I felt sad for her. Here she was, maybe 23 at the oldest, and I couldn't help but wonder why she is alone. She had no sweetie, friends, or roommates to drive her where she needed to go and help her out? It seemed very sad. I know why my life is sad, but I couldn't understand how hers got that way.

Well, there are still a handful of hours to check for cars through my phone, and there are a few hours after class tomorrow until the weekend is again basically completely shot, so I remain hopeful.

Day 823 - 10/2 - Relieving the pressure

It's an early dinner time at just past 6:30, though I suppose I eat before 7 more often than not these days.

I picked up my new blood pressure meds last night but I haven't been feeling too good. I feel dizzy, headachy, and kinda sick. I think I'll reduce my dose for the first week to ease into it. It's a very long term thing so a week likely won't impact my recovery. It may be years until I recover, particularly since my homelessness is likely the greatest contributing factor (bad food, bad sleep, not sleeping and resting in a bed, always exposed to the elements and over stimulation of my senses, etc. etc.)

I guess class went ok. I contributed a few things that seemed important so I at least feel helpful. Car searching went, well, I guess as good as could have been expected for a Saturday. I put out some replies, but so far nothing. Well, I guess that's not entirely true. One car was priced at $1800 and I sent a reply and one of my questions was 'Do you know the exceptional bluebook rating for that car is $800? Why have you priced it so high?' and they ignored that question when replying to me. Obviously I'm not going to press forward with a car priced at over 2x its value.

That's really all to write about today. So far it's been a sad day.

Day 824 - 10/3 - Just a day

Today was just a regular Sunday... homeless and without a car that is. Nothing special happened. I took the bus to up near my works to do laundry. I came back down to school to spend a few hours on the Internet. (A few others were there too, which is unusual since it's closed.) I spent some time here and there in coffee shops killing the rest of my day. That was it besides a few people being dumb about cars. It's late now, just past 9. I'm having a snack then I'm off to hide for the night. Hopefully tomorrow will be better. I suppose the day could have been worse though. It was just a day.

Day 825 - 10/4 - Alone with my thoughts

I guess today was ok accept for the usual fail. I mostly spaced out and just stayed in one place all day. Nothing for cars yet, nothing for jobs, even the fun boards were dead. I have stuff due for class I should have done, but I just couldn't motivate. I seem almost normal in terms of side-effect level, but all of the failures in my life are getting to me lately making motivation for stuff like school difficult.

Nothing new, so that's it for now.

Day 825 - 10/4 - Alone with my thoughts

An ok day. Nothing changed yet, but I've got a potential car lined up for tomorrow. We have to straighten out smog first but then it will be good to go.

My hours got cut again. I'll be back down to two days a week and special coverage in about a week. Unless I get a super cheap car a laptop is going to be an impossibility, even with finding a new one that's only $800. What I have after getting the car will be about all I have. It seems unlikely I will be able to get a laptop without something changing.

Comments and stuff Copyright E. Stryker 2008-2010
Pictures for Epic Fail are taken by me. :)

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