Week 153
Day 1065 - 6/1 - The horrible nightmares return
Today started out bad. 
After I got to the school parking lot and fell back to sleep I had nightmares about being forced to move out and being homeless again. Not just one, but two different ones. The second made me so sad that I started crying in my sleep and it woke me up.
I suppose the rest of the day I was okish. My blood pressure was way down at 145/88, the lowest I think it's ever been since I've been tracking it. I did my online work for my friend without too much lag. I had time to see if a game I've been trying to play would play from school. Turns out it won't there either. I'll have to see if I can get it to play without an Internet connection or I'll have to wait to play (until I'm back somewhere with an un-firewalled connection I can play from.) And I watched a show and a few episodes of True Blood season 3. I guess it's been exactly a year since I saw those first few episodes. It's so crazy to think that it's been that long. Work was ok, but there was zero bandwidth. So, I got an extra shift at work during which I got to watch more True Blood. After, I did work on podcast 16.
As usual for recent times I've been feeling very sad. Noone would be able to tell if they were to look at me or talk to me though. My life looks normal enough looking in. But it's the little things that add up. I had to shower at work. I haven't had a shower since Friday. I got strawberries for teh cheap for $1.50 for a small plastic box, but lacked the money to get loaf cake to go with it. (I get paid tomorrow, so I can get them then. 
) And, instead of watching my show first run I watched it a year later on my laptop, with headphones. I did not immediately leave work to rush home. I have no home.
Although I know there are people out there who care about me I am alone. I live my life differently than everyone I know. And I have no idea when, or if, that will ever change.
Day 1066 - 6/2 - Preparing to prepare for battle
Amongst my messages this morning was one that mentioned a Starcraft 2 tournament. I'd been thinking about picking it up lately. I'll go ahead and get it tomorrow and prepare for the tournament. It's online, so it really wouldn't be all that different than any other online matches. I'm pretty terrible though and don't expect to do well even in the amateur league. But, something different, something where I could win a prize, something I may have fun with and be able to say, 'yeah, I was a part of that,' could be just what I need.
It doesn't start until the end of June, so I've got a little while. It should be just enough time to put this bad class junk behind me. I was about to describe my night to you, but I scratched it out. It's just not worth fixating on. She's a terrible professor and I'll leave it at that. The class will be over soon enough, and hopefully I can put it behind me.
I did some searching for jobs, but, as usual, found nothing to apply for. I did find a few interesting jobs, but they required at least a year experience in a medical setting, which I don't have. I guess I just have to keep focused on the positive aspects of the job that I do have, the freedoms I do have access to, and then keep myself feeling productive with my site, my podcast, and happy with the games and shows I can afford to get.
If I do get Starcraft 2 tomorrow it will very likely be a better day, as I often hope for, but let us hope it is at least a small step forward. Even if it may only be in happiness and enjoyment of my own personal life.
Day 1067 - 6/3 - Lost hours
Today pretty late in the day I got notice that my main work hours will be lost for three weeks. It will sort of balance out in that I'm doing 30 or so of (yearly) training and getting other hours through the summer, but still, it's effectively about $350 I won't be getting (because work didn't do the yearly maintenance during the holidays like they normally do and are doing it now for some reason.)
I didn't have the bandwidth to play tonight. I can't clearly remember when I last did from work. It's ok though. I did some single player gaming, some series watching, some work on Epic Fail, and finished podcast 16. That's all ready to go in the morning.
I suppose everything will still work out, but I still can't help but feel an immense sadness about my life. My hours at work are ramping up for summer, which is good, but it's a job that wouldn't ever give me enough hours to move back in to a home (on its own.) School is coming to a close in a few weeks, but I'm no closer to a career with the close of this quarter than seemingly any before it. I was again one of only half a dozen on campus at any given time wherever I was. I again got no notices on jobs. I again did everything someone normally would during a day in a way that was not normal.
It's beginning to lightly rain again. And that's just about how I feel inside too.
Day 1068 - 6/4 - So fast
I guess today was ok. I had a good time with guildies and had lots of laughs. I tried playing my competitive game online, but when it was trying to figure out my rank the games were incredibly fast. There would be no way I could play it in that tier. Good times with my guildies in my online game though.
Nothing really new today other than that. Oh, I posted podcast 16, so that was happy too.
That's it for today I guess.
Day 1069 - 6/5 - Group means group
Today was ok for only getting around 6 hours of sleep I suppose. There was a bike thing with extra police going on in the area I normally sleep in on the weekend, so I decided not to risk it. I played my new competitive strategy game a bit (single player off-line) and then played my online game quite a bit. There were a few groups with guildies, and we shared some laughs, so that was good.
I can't believe the group for this group project. I think I've mentioned them before. We met like eight weeks ago. Nearly a week ago I did a bit of research and said 'our presentation is in like two weeks, here is some research I did and thoughts for my part'. Normal group projects people talk and share ideas and make a cohesive and focused thing. But not this one. There have been secret meetings between two of the six members. Last week my email got replied to with basically, 'don't worry, we did your part.' I heard nothing until today where a new email said, 'we are finishing the project in the next couple of days', note that it's due on Wednesday night and no slides or presentation has been emailed, 'your part is a few slides but you have to come up with what you are saying.' Um what? So after an entire week of having my parts I sent they are telling me that my part is completely up to me and that none of the presentation slides are ready? There are only two people of six who have been having secret meetings and have had a say in the slides or the presentation or paper? It would have been nice to know a week ago that I was on my own compltely, or eight weeks ago for that matter. Needless to say I'll be letting the professor know. That's not ok nor fair to anyone in the group to imbalance the project. A group project is for learning to work in a group, not have two people do secret mettings and exclude everyone else.
Well, maybe tomorrow will be a better day. I have the week ff from work, so that will be different. The week after I work 30 hours (triple normal), so that will balance it out in pay, but be equally as weird. I'll not get to sleep in at all that week and it will be hell. Well, my life is what it is I suppose.
Day 1070 - 6/6 - Need a rest
I'm so emotionally tired today. Not working has thrown me off in weird ways. I got t sleep in, which was awesome as I couldn't Saturday or Sunday. Since I didn't work in the evening I immediately left school campus to have lunch and do laundry. I stopped by work's office to do my time card, then came back down to school. By then it was just about 3, leaving very little time to work on papers and presentations. I suppose they will all have to be done in the next few days, so even though this week will be very busy over the next few days I will pretty much get a break after that.
I really need a break though. I'm so emotionally drained from, well, everything in my life I just want to be somewhere (like a hotel room) and just stop worrying about it all. The not-routine of my routine today really threw me off. Sure, lots of people can't do laundry in their home, but once upon a time I could. I could shower anytime I wanted in privacy. I could eat what I wanted and just how much I was hungry for, or save any extra if need be. I could watch TV or movies. I could cook. I could study morning, noon, or night in a quiet private space. I could play my games, and I never had to worry about if I needed to be connected to the Internet or not because I always was.
Reading those I'm sure you were bored. They are everyday things just about everyone has and don't give them any thought. But not me. I can't even clearly remember the last time I could do some of those things - let alone doing several at the same time. My life is a constant single task at a time emotional disaster. I always hope I can return to a normal life, but I no longer know if I will be able to.
This morning on campus I had strange dreams. Not nightmares or sad dreams, just odd. I was, not a talent scout, but a middle person between one and people. I'd just gotten someone hooked up with an agent from the U.K. who was going to give this digital artist 20 million for work he'd already done. I celebrated with the artist for a bit, and after I was talking with someone else about how I'd connected several people at 5-10 million, but 20 was the highest. I'd wondered though why noone had been interested in me, how noone saw what I did as being valuable. Why was I still relaying and connecting talent, but could not connect myself.
Day 1071 - 6/7 - Done sooner than I expected
Today I discovered something that's happy. This week is the last week of classes. Next week are finals, where I'll just show up for the test then go. I'm so relieved that the classes are almost over. I'm not happy about how the Wednesday class' group project was not a group project. And gods know what a disaster the Thursday class has been. It will likely be the first not A or B I've gotten in a very long while, possibly the first ever D if she follows through with her earlier implication/threat (if I didn't drop the class, which I couldn't at that point.) Hopefully financial aid will be ok if I do and it will take a GPA average overall. I don't think the one class will do any true damage long-term in GPA. Emotionally, yeah, it was the catalyst to convince me maybe I won't continue in Child Development. I've gotten some very positive warm welcomes from professors, but almost always they seem confused and uninterested in helping me do anything about not currently being able to find a job in the field. Experience required is experience required, there seems no way around it even if professors were willing and interested in giving me glowing letters of recommendation (which none have so far, despite their excitement at seeing a male in the class.)
I tried to do some of the final stuff for the classes I needed to do today, but I was unable to focus. I did less than half what I wanted and my brain simply didn't care. I don't know if it really cares about anything today though. I would like to play some games and watch some shows, but not with an overwhelming sense of joy and excitement that I normally would compared to doing other things. Overall I just feel kind of bla. I am burnt out. I need a rest. I need to stop. I need to be able to not worry about things and just get a fresh and good start after that short rest. But I can't. My life plods along one day at a time. And each day the steps forward are seemingly not forward at all.
Week 154
Day 1072 - 6/8 - Non-functional brain
My brain was non-functional today. I was sleepy all day even though I'd gotten 9-10 hours sleep. I couldn't focus on projects and only managed to do the bare minimum due. I still have a bunch to do tomorrow. Since the network was barely connecting I couldn't accomplish anything online either. Pages would load and never connect. That didn't help wake me up or energize me at all.
I suppose it was a relatively stress free day in that nothing new stressed me out, but it was completely fail in that all my old stressors are still there and nothing was accomplished really, so nothing was relieved.
Day 1073 - 6/9 - Not my graduation
Today everything seemed overly heavy. My backpack seemed to weigh 50% more. A couple of books I had that I carried seemed to weigh at least 5 pounds each. I've no clue why.
I almost finished the projects I need to do. I find out last night one was due, so I totally blew that. I can turn it in by Friday though. It's about half done. I need to ask a place some info before I can finish.
Tonight all the high schools let out. There are graduates and other students everywhere. Now at night and hearing them about, it reminds me of my own graduation. All the parties I heard about, all the places people were going, seeing people I know going here and there that I wasn't invited to.
My changing high schools half way through really hurt me. I didn't really make any new connections. I had maybe half a dozen who were friends at the new school. By the number of people who asked if I wanted my yearbook signed. I probably could have had a lot more friends if I hadn't been so shy.
I don't think I have those yearbooks anymore. I remember once upon a time I was very sad and burnt at least one school year, possibly all three. (I never had all four.)
I wonder if those who are graduating know how important and special those times are. How lucky they are to have people in their lives. Those who have love, how special that is, and how rare their sweetie may be due to body or personality type. I doubt they do though. I remember back then I thought things would last forever. I thought nothing much would change. Though I had only a few friends I saw no reason why I couldn't make new ones. Though I was single for half of high school I didn't think I'd stay single forever.
It seems I was right, but for the wrong reasons. Things are almost the same now. I have very few friends (basically all online.) I'm still single and jealous of the young healthy guys I see with the beautiful girls. I'm not going along the same path as everyone else. And just as it was then, it is now. When I can no longer hear the parties I feel alone and sad.
Every celebration that passes, every cycle that renews, and even sometimes every day that passes I think now I've missed my chance. Life went on without me then, and it seems to still do so now.
And more and more I worry that I won't make it on my own; that without help or a vast increase in income, my physical deterioration and sadness will be the end of me. No matter how much I wish and long for a simple normal life like everyone else.
Day 1074 - 6/10 - Feel ok about the day
Today was ok I guess. I slept in a fair bit, but not quite as late as I have been lately. I was up at my old time of about 10:30. I went on campus, tried my best to finish a project that's due (I lack info to properly finish it), then did my online work, then even had time for a show before leaving to play. Nothing really special happened online. Hardly anyone was there. It was weird not working.
Nothing really new in my life. I sent some helpful notes to another small gaming podcaster. She seemed appreciative, so that's good. A lot of it she knew already though. She seems nice and like a fun person. It's a shame I don't think she's close otherwise, who knows, we could be RL friends.
I'm still super sad about my life, but it is what it is. I just have to continue to try and make the best of it.
Day 1075 - 6/11 - Bustin' out the podcast
Today was ok. Nothing huge happened in terms of life progression. Well, nothing at all really. I did get an unexpected work shift. So not only did I get a tough more money, I got a chance to do some podcasting, which is huge as I wasn't expecting to be back at work where I do it until after about 2.5 weeks from the last podcast. So, in a stroke of awesomeness I got it basically ready to go. There is editing and formatting left to do, but I can do that quite easily from not work.
Day 1076 - 6/12 - A day of change
Today feels like a day of change, like a transition is about to happen. It's probably because transitions are going to happen. School has next week then finals. And next week I have yearly training at work. The weather is finally becoming warm again, so there is that too.
I had a good picnic time at school, spending time on teh Internets, and having lunch during what was finally a warm day.
Not everything was good though. My health is still terrible. My heart and chest feel ... off, weakened and unstable. I've been stuffy and sneezing. And... I didn't quite make it to the bathroom in time. I was very embarrassed but noone saw. More than that though it was one of many reminders that my life is out of control. I can't just get up and walk to a bathroom 10-20 feet away like everyone else. I have to use public places, sometimes wait in lines, or sometimes need to pack my stuff up just to go. And now at night I'm hiding in the dark. I can't play. I can't watch shows. I can't do homework. While I may feel somewhat normal at day when everyone is around and I blend in, when hiding at night it's obvious that I'm an outsider. And there are so many things I wish I could do but can't.
Day 1077 - 6/13 - Bubble
Today wasn't a haze, but I don't really remember it. It was as if I were in a bubble. Anything could have happened around me and I probably wouldn't have noticed. I did most of an assignment. I'll finish tomorrow. I really couldn't focus on much. I messed around on the boards a bit. I helped a guildie figure out part choices for a build. Her graphics card died so she needed to pick up something. She had been planning to buy a new system anyways, so this wasn't a completely unprepared catastrophe.
That was really it though. Nothing really good or bad happened. Mostly it was weird due to not working and being in a haze.
Day 1078 - 6/14 - Returning summer staff
Today was the first day of staff training that's going on for the rest of the week. I couldn't sleep in, so I'm exhaustedly tired as I'm running on about 4 or 5 hours of sleep. The training wasn't that bad. They did it in a different style than they have in previous years, and the time seemed to pass quickly. There were some people who said hey to me, so that was nice. Though they seem to be genuinely happy to see me, none of them are people who would invite me to parties or to hang out with them. If they were we'd have been doing so over the last year. I don't blame them. All but one were about half my age, so there isn't that bond there that you have in your teens and early twenties that you have with others your age.
I had an appointment to check my blood pressure after. It came out a lot lower than the machine has been showing me. It's possible that it's not been as bad as I've thought for a while. It could be that by waiting 5 minutes to test myself I will see lower results. I was typically only waiting about 1 minute to test myself, and it seems that may have been resulting in a score that was 10 points higher on the first number and about 5 on the second. The not doctor person said that she was happy with those numbers, and even more so because I'd lost 8 pounds since my last visit. She does want to get me poked again, so that's sad.
It's about 8 now and my long day is nearly over. I'm going to close out Epic Fail and see if I can get my podcast finalized so I can post both before the library closes in an hour.
Nothing has changed lately. I'm still overly sad, have no prospects coming forward, but I'm trying to remain hopeful and persevering as best as I can.
