Week 145
Day 1009 - 4/6 - Do not want classes
My class tonight was icky. It's with a nice enough professor, but she's extremely politically charged, so there is all of this political discussion. I suppose it is a class in a field affected by policy change, but I'd rather not have had it. I don't recall seeing her name as the teacher. Granted I really had no choice, as I took the two classes I hadn't taken yet. It was a forced choice.
My mouse battery gave me critical warning. It's like, what the poop?! Didn't I just get this mouse like a week and a half ago? There's no way I used up the 7,000 hours of normal use they claim in just 10 days or so. If that's the case I can't use it for gaming. That would be way too much battery cost. If I were using it just for travel on occasion, sure, but there is no way I should be spending what would be $3 a month on batteries. If it runs out quick again I'll just go ahead and get the good gaming mouse I was planning on getting and hope pulling it in and out of the port doesn't beat things up too bad.
It also turns out last night was my first class. It seems my classes are Wednesday and Thursday, not Tuesday and Wednesday. I suppose it doesn't matter, but still, I'd have preferred Tuesday and Wednesday.
I'm so very tired of needing to do things that I don't want to do; getting up early to move sleeping locations instead of sleeping in a bed, taking classes that are uninteresting, taking classes at all, eating micro or fast food for every meal, watching shows small and interrupted by bandwidth issues. I had fun today looking over PC news, working on longer music tracks for my podcast, helped out with hardware on forums. I wish so much I was free to truly live my rabb1t life. I like doing hardware stuff. I like talking about games. I like helping people to better understand hardware and enjoy their lives.
I wish so very much I was free to live my life... 
Day 1010 - 4/7 - Scared of results
Today my Dragon Age 2 character got a sweetie. 
It's good to know that even if I can't find one for myself my character can at least find love. 
I am getting very super concerned about my results of my blood pressure visit. The doctor will likely put me on meds and it will go back down and everything will be fine again. But due to my recent sadness about life thinking I could lose some, or all, of my life due to health reasons is truly terrifying and sad. If I live as long as both of my granddads I've still got a good 45-50 more years. That, in theory, should still be plenty to find love and maybe have kids, or at least help raise them. But if there were permanent damage, if it were cut in half, or by three quarters, there would not be much time left.
I don't want to end like this. I can adjust to being alone in my life; I've basically been alone my whole life as it is. I've spent all but about 5-7 years alone and single. It's a sad thing indeed for someone who is commonly told he's creative, smart, funny, god at games , and who is never thought of as unattractive or repulsive. Why am I still single? Other than not interacting in circles that have singles, I don't know. Alone or not I don't want this to be the end of me. Thinking of everyone I have known and do know, I don't think there is anyone I would completely turn away and not help to get back on their feet. There are several people I've known in my past I may not have gotten along with, or now purposely don't want to interact with, but if the situation were reversed I wouldn't completely turn them away to suffer in a homeless state that could wind up being their end. Maybe it's just everyone thinks so well of me they assume I'll persevere and find help. Let's hope that's true. But sadly so far it seems to be much less true than not. Cute adorable bunny me is still out in the cold, alone, and hurting.
Day 1011 - 4/8 - Bad second half
I had a bad second half of my day I guess you could say. The early portion at school was fine, but I went to get an oil change today and that's where it started to go bad. The guy basically politely insulted me for not knowing what work was done or needed by my car. Now, that would be a fair accusation I suppose, if it weren't for the fact that I've only had the car for about 3,000 miles and don't know anything about cars, thus don't know what work needs to be done that I'm not told about by people like him. (This was a different place than I normally go, and I won't go back. As the saying goes, 'I had a coupon' (gift card in this case)). The food store didn't have the dinner I wanted. Not a terrible thing, I know, but disappointing just the same. Nor did they have the juice I wanted. (It was on sale for $1, so it was sold out.) Then during my work shift when I tried to play my game it was only stable for about 1/2 hour, after that it kept dropping me every 5 minutes. (Yes, I counted.)
I suppose things weren't all terrible. In the morning I'd gotten an email from a guildie checking in to see if I was ok and that she/her husband were worried about me. In the evening I also got a great start on podcast 11, so I feel good about that.
Things are still so sad though. So many of my problems and sadness tonight wouldn't have happened if I had more pay and lived in a home. It seems such a distant memory now, and in a way, as impossible to achieve as my becoming a doctor. It's hard to imagine someone being so isolated and so alone for so long, but being that person and living this sad story, all I can say is that I feel much like a ghost, an incorporeal thing which occasionally possesses a normal person that people talk to for answers at school in class, or on forums for hardware. I feel like little more than the voice on my podcast and the shadow of what I once was falling to ash to ink these pages.
Day 1012 - 4/9 - Ok I guess
Today I was ok I guess. It certainly was better in that I could spend the day gaming, a luxury I didn't have even just 3 months ago. I got to sleep in too, so that was good.
But I still worry about my health. I'm still heavy. I still tire easily when I go places. I still feel effects of poor blood pressure. And above all there were still many things I'd have liked to do today that I just wasn't in the mood for (or in the case of school, don't have the books for.)
More than anything today I wished for friends that I could go to a movie with and after play games with. Not just any friends, I guess I'm picky like that, but ones I genuinely enjoy the company of and care about, and share many common interests with.
I had time with my guild friends, who I missed the past few days when I was on school campus all day. But it's not the same kind of friendships, not the same kinds of activities or games.
As always, I try my best to survive and live on so that one day I may return to a normal life. And I hope noone else has to suffer in sadness like me.
Day 1013 - 4/10 - Care package
I suppose I had a pretty good day. For some reason I slept a long time. I didn't get up until about 12:30. After, I had lunch at school. The wireless didn't connect for some reason, so I didn't stay long. I pretty much spent my day playing my online game and listening to a few Critical Hit podcasts.
Someone in the guild wants to send me a care package. I wonder what it is. Could be bunny day things. It's bunny day next weekend. I got an extra shift that day and the night before. I guess that's irrelevant in terms of celebrating since I've noone to celebrate with. The "extra" money will be helpful though. I can put it towards car things. I guess I should get those done as quickly as I can now that I'm coming up on "bulk" summer money.
That's really it for my day. Basic homeless weekend day other than that really.
Day 1014 - 4/11 - Could not rescue the princess
There was a beeeauuutiful princess this morning that needed rescuing. When I got to campus early after moving from my night spot she was there on campus already in the spot next to the spot I park in. When I woke up at around 11 she was still there and asked if she could get a jump. Apparently her battery died because she was listening to music when she fell asleep. I told her I didn't know how and didn't have cables. She did though, so she went through her trunk to find them. She couldn't find them though.
I guess that's just another reminder from Fate to hang in there, that maybe there is a cutie out there for me to find, and that people do need my help. I know people use my site and that's helpful. I hope people find my ramblings in Epic Fail and my podcasts helpful and entertaining. But it's nice to actually hear that people need and want my help.
Day 1015 - 4/12 - Fail appointment is faaail
Today was my doctor's appointment for getting all my blood pressure things taken care of. However, the appointment was a huge failure. After 2.5 or so weeks of waiting, I'm there, filling out the paperwork, and half way through I go, 'so, do you know how much this will be?' The person replied bla bla sliding scale several times, but they stated the range was $48-120 per visit just for basic stuff. That wouldn't have included tests or special procedures at all. I'm like 'ummm... I was told this was "no to low cost", is that what's defined as low cost these days?' Apparently it is. So I said thanks but no thanks and walked out. She did point me towards a free clinic. I was going to call to make an appointment when I got back to the car, but I was so jostled out of a normal frame of mind by the $48 minimum that would have cost that I completely forgot. By the time I remembered the place was closed. I'll have to try again tomorrow.
The evening was somewhat fail as well. After my appointment I went to play my game for a bit. I got into a fail group that spend over 2 hours in one dungeon, pushing me well over an hour longer than the maximum time I was expecting to leave to get dinner and eat. And we didn't even finish.
I did get Easter stuff for my friend/ex-roomie though. So that's a happy thing for me to have later, as well as getting a few candies for myself to have. They have new peeps that have chocolate on them. They looked super tasty to nom so I got myself some.
That's it for this week. Without double checking, all I remember over the past week is sadness and disappointment. (Not counting the guildies who were nice and my care package that's on the way.) Maybe next week there will be some positive movement.
Week 146
Day 1016 - 4/13 - The boring lecture and the cute girls
Today was fairly bleh. I'd even forgotten it was Wednesday until I checked my phone's 'to do' list. I thought it was Tuesday. My brain wrote it off completely due to the bad experience with the appointment I guess. I did wind up doing most of my regular Wednesday stuff before class. Tonight we had this dumb lecture in a different place. It was extremely long, and since it talked about stuff I'd heard before, it was extra boring. The only positive for the night was the two cuties at my table. One was unusually short, had raven black hair, and more of a hot looking type. The other was a redhead who had a girl next door cuteness. I'd seen her around before in the room next to the cafeteria. I've actually been avoiding that room this quarter so far because connectivity to the Internets is nonexistent in there.
That was really my day. Nothing truly special to speak of; checked for jobs, did my work online for my friend, and that's it really.
As always all I want is to be able to be in my bed and have a normal life again.
Day 1017 - 4/14 - Next appointment
I looked up a free clinic to get my blood pressure looked at and it is only open on Sundays, so the soonest they would be able to see me would have been two weeks. On a whim I decided to see if the school clinic could, and they can. Yea. So on Monday at too early o’clock I have an appointment. And, school often has meds of various kinds, so it's possible they could hook me up right then instead of needing to call to a pharmacy and all.
I discovered, well someone told me, that bunny day isn't this weekend, but next weekend. Well, that's fail either way. I guess if I did have anyone to celebrate with I theoretically would have it off.
That's it for today. I couldn't sleep-in this morning, my body wouldn't let me. I'm running at about 4 hours sleep. 
Mostly today I just got caught up on shows. I watched about four and still have something like six to get caught up with. Maybe I'll do that a bit tomorrow and next week. For some reason neither of my classes meet next week, so I've got a week off already.
Day 1018 - 4/15 - Basic day is basic
Pretty basic day today. Nothing special. I tried to get caught up for a few shows. I helped out a girlie in a couple of dungeons in my game. I felt overly fat, heavy, and out breath often. And I finished podcast 11. I'm still having a good time with it, so that's good.
That's it for today really. Another unspecial day in a seemingly unspecial life.
Day 1019 - 4/16 - Going to waste a day
Nothing really new today except for some people being dumb about a group project. We don't have class next week, but these dummies are pushing to meet that night. Seriously? A project that isn't due for like six or more weeks and you want to meet on a night we otherwise would have completely off? What's wrong with these people? Normal people would be like 'let's meet 1/2 hour before class on nights we normally have class.' *sigh*
That's really it. I finished and posted podcast 11 this morning, watched a show or two, played my game for a bit, then had a work shift.
Oh, there was a bit of sad drama in the game. There was some special event going on. I was hit with a 45 minute wait to get in, but when I got on I got no invites or instructions on how to get to the event. It made me feel sad, unwanted, and left out of the fun. Granted, they were pretty much ending it when I did finally get in, but still.
Work shift most of tomorrow, so that's good in that it's "extra". Nothing new other than that.
Day 1020 - 4/17 - By voice is better
I think today must have been pretty good. I remember being happyish all day, so that's quite different than my usual persistent sad.
I got a bit of a quiet break for a few hours in the afternoon and for about an hour after that a bit later in the day. It's still so very different when I get a chance to be somewhere quiet and dark. Normally I'm constantly bombarded by light and sound.
Someone in the guild said she very much likes my podcasts. She actually likes them better than the Epic Fail readings, which is good and bad. But that's fine, as they are different things with different stories. She said I sound good and she likes my voices, which is good because I always worry about how I sound.
Not much else today. I'm still very worried about my appointment tomorrow, but 'm also getting out of breath quicker and quicker, so I'm getting very worried about that. Hopefully tomorrow I'll have good news.
Day 1021 - 4/18 - The doctor is out; pressure building
No appointment this morning. Apparently the doctor is out sick. The higher nurse told me to check back in on Wednesday. The doctor normally is only there once a week on Mondays, but apparently she may be stopping in for paperwork on Wednesday. My blood pressure is getting super bad again. The first number is around 150, while the second number, the dangerous one, is nearing around 100 again on a regular basis. My weight is up to nearly 215, almost the heaviest I've ever been. My heart often races in a bad way these days and I tire easily, and my extremities lose circulation quickly.
I hate to post a bad day, but it's getting scary. I know people out there care about me and worry, so that rests in my heart, but I worry because it seems there is so little I can do to get better without being reestablished in a home.
Day 1022 - 4/19 - Headaches, ears ringing
My ears are ringing so loudly. I suppose even though I did sleep in until 11, after that for the past nearly 11 hours, I've had constant noise in my ears. First I was in the loud side room at school eating. Then I went to the library for a bit and probably listened to podcasts louder than I needed to, then around 4:30 I left school to go play, where I was bombarded with loud coffee shop sounds as well as my game sounds. I suppose I had a good time playing, but we spent the better part of nearly 4 hours in one dungeon, mostly spent at two bosses. I think we were really just under geared, but it wound up being a guild run, so we just kept trying different strategies.
I've had pretty bad headaches lately. I may have a cold, as headaches and ear ringing can be indications of that. Those are really my only symptoms save for a bit of congestion and raspy breathing.
Someone in the guild sent me a message saying they really want to help my sad life. I don't think enough support could be gotten though. They want to help with my bad teeth, but that's probably getting to be 25k at this point. They also thought of my car, but I think I've got that covered eventually. I just don't think either would be easy to rally for. As I think I mentioned, I think it's been probably over a year since I got donations if we don't count ones for the laptop and gift times. They are just really infrequent. I suggested maybe the best way would be to let everyone know about my podcast then having people donate if they like it. You know, as per any kind of entertainment, like movies or music.
Well, I guess that's all the rambling for this week. Hopefully soon I'll get my health taken care of. The bad blood pressure seems to be my critical issue these days, and it's not getting better on its own.
