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Epic Fail: The Journal of a Homeless Gamer
Book 3: oh noes

This is my journal I wrote during the time I was homeless. It is broken up by week for easier reading. Feel free to read it on the web or download the complete .pdf version and print it for reading offline.

Week 125

Day 869 - 11/17 - Sad day is sssaaaddd

Today I'm extra sad. I got to campus around 7:15, but I couldn't fall back to sleep. I went on campus, posted Epic Fail, posted a suggestion to the alpha board for the game I can't play, updated my system builds, and made a lot of general bla bla on boards. There were no donations today, no jobs, no movement of my life in terms of recovering or enjoyment level.

I have a headache and I feel super sad. I think my body, mind, and soul are just extra weighed down by having a normal life for a few days and now they are gone again. Now, as I eat dinner before class I want so much to cover my ears, put a blanket over me and cry. I'm tired of the constant noise and crowd around me everywhere I go. Tired of not being able to study or do homework due to not being in a good place physically or mentally. Tired of needing to go to school because I don't have a good enough job to just pay off my loans.

Tired... so very tired and sad.

Day 870 - 11/18 - Not quite as sad

I'm not quite as sad today, though only one donation came in. It's more than nothing, but I still won't be able to get a system soon unless a miracle occurs.

Really the only thing of interest today was that there are some very cool looking Tron Legacy products coming in to add to my hardware page; keyboard, mouse, mouse pad, maybe a headphone set.

I guess that's all for today. I has a sad and try as I might I can't shake it.

Day 871 - 11/19 - Some sad, some happy

Today has been a mix of happy events and sad events. This morning I happened by the ex-garage and saw the nice kitty. I stopped to say hi and pet him for a few minutes. He purred happily. I got back to sleep on campus fairly quicly and slept until 10:30. I had strange and lost feeling dreams, common since the RL event. When I got on campus there was a donation waiting for me in my email. I watched a few shows and did a homework. In the evening it started to rain. Most of the day I was pretty sad. The boards are already starting to empty out for the weekend. I got a call from a work person who wanted me to cover for them for a few hours tomorrow, so that will also be a touch more I can put towards a laptop.

But now, hiding in sanctuary from the rain, I am sad. A few minutes ago I almost cried. Nights like tonight are so very hard for me. People are in their homes safe from the rain, but not me. I have to steal my shelter like a mouse. People are watching TV and cooking their dinners, but not me. People are having fun with games or friends and starting to celebrate the weekend, but not me. I have none of those things.

Unike so many, while my skills and talents are specailized and appriciated, I can not find a job that pays me for what I'm good at or enjoy. I can apparently not even find work I'm not proven to be good at.

The excitement from the RL event has faded. Those who came forward to call me friend, to compliment me on work that I did, or for doing things that make me me and as such valuable to others... they are fading to the background and I am alone again. While others celebrate their lives and the lives of others and plan for their future I can only pretend to. I must find what most consider every day trivialities. Things people don't ever give a second thought to - coming home to warmth, a bed, a shower, gaming, TV, cooking, going to the bathroom, a sweetie or friends who love you - all these things I do not have. And although I am not, I feel as if I am the only one in my life; lost, and left wondering if I will see tomorrow, let alone if there will be a future waiting for me if I do.

Day 872 - 11/20 - Sad video is sad

No real change today. I was super sleepy during morning class. I couldn't sleep in this morning for some reason. It was a nice rainy day, but with what my life is it was very sad and lonely. I made a very short sad video of the rain representing how I feel these days hoping maybe it would drum up some donations and interest, but so far nothing has changed. I wrote to the gray ghost to say hi and check in. I'm sure if he could help he would have already.

Today was another sad day with no change.

Day 873 - 11/21 - Double sweats

It's early morning some time around 8:30. I'm charging my stuff in the locker room at school. I didn't want to sleep outside because there are no cars here. I'm sure it would be fine, but I felt uncomfortable. I came in to see if the smaller locker room was open. If so I could have studied on a soft bench (in private) and had power. Unfortunately it's locked, so I only have access to the main one. (They have benches and power, just not near to one another for sitting upright with back support.) I'm still charging, but I got about 1/2 hour more sleep before a coach came in to their private office and woke me up. I was snoring pretty loud, something I only do when laying flat on my back, something I haven't been able to do for months. It seems so foreign to my back now. All crinkled and bent it has trouble laying flat. At first it's painful. Even after a bit it is difficult to be truly flat. I may have to go back to trying to stretch at work. I used to do that a few times a week before bed. I'd lay as flat as I could, trying to focus on relaxing my neck, shoulders, the curve of my spine, try to stretch my calf muscles; it helped. But now, what with no private space and quiet times thing like that haven't been done in years.

I'll probably go do stuff online once my system and phone are both charged, then try and do homework. I would try just staying here on campus for that, being a sunday it's basically very private - only 'church goers' are here a few hours in the early afternoon - but with it being so cold I don't know how long I can stay since I have to be outside. My feet were sort of numb this morning, and about 2/3 of the way through last night I had to put on a second layer of sweats to keep myself warm. It seems we are fully in the colder winter now, as I'm now up to three top layers plus one or two coat layers, and now I'm needing to consider dual pants layers.

Although there were no donations or well-wishing this morning I am hopeful the day will be ok. That's all for now. The day has just begun.

Day 874 - 11/22 - Ug headache

Today has been an ok day so far I suppose. It's nearing dinner time and nothing terribly bad has happened. I have a really terrible headache for some reason, so focusing on schoolwork has been impossible so far. I'll go get some pain meds and have a good dinner and see if that helps.

I got some appreciation for my videos last night, so that was nice. Sadly there still haven't been any more donations, so I'm still stopped dead at 65-68% of the way there. A few are starting Black Friday early, but no luck with anything yet. My only real hope seems to be if dad sends an unusually high amount for Turkey day. I'm expecting $50, if I get anything. Back in the day he used to send more but it's been getting smaller each year.

I try to hold on to hope for a gaming laptop, a job, a sweetie and friends, but with no positive responses in any of those areas it's tough.

Day 875 - 11/23 - Leaving early

It's night at work. Noone is here. It seems the final group, or either of the two groups before, aren't showing up tonight. Makes sense what with it being Turkey weekend.

I couldn't study at all today either. My ability to focus this quarter has been complete poop. I have a test tomorrow with an assignment due as well, so I'll have to get up early (not sleep in as long as I can) and bust my butt studying and getting the assignment ready. I've had nearly a week to do both, but with no private personal area to study in getting into a studying mood has been next to impossible.

I think it's because I'm extra sad about my life. I'm not really anywhere I want to be and gods know I'm nowhere close to where I expected to be by this age.

I suppose though even with impending doom of consequences I'm still somewhat happy. I can still find tiny morsels of happiness. I still have my few boards to chat on, and today I found lots of Steampunk shots to use on my phone. On top of that I found some pictures of repainted Nerf guns that made them perfect for a Steampunk costume. So when I get time, space, and money to start putting together a costume I can look forward to that.

But, as to the rest of my life, well I can't do what everyone else is doing. I have no Turkey day weekend plans because I can't make any, nor do I have anyone to make them with. I'm considering a movie, but that's it. I have not enough money to shop for a laptop, and no friends, family, or sweetie that I'll be doing activities with.

As always, I slip into the shadows for the night, and I have no home and no bed to return to.

Week 126

Day 876 - 11/24 - So cold today

It's evening at school just before class. I've been so cold today. Several times today my fingers and feet have been chilly. This morning my fingers were partly numb when I got to campus.

Mostly today was a regular day. It started a touch different what with doing Epic Fail and finally spending the four hours to get caught up on assignments for one class. (Still have one or two due for the Saturday class.)

Someone I have been chatting with discovered my homelessness. He offered to help with shelter but he's in a different state. Something to consider if I uproot myself though.

Hopefully my test tonight will go ok. Due to my sads I haven't looked at the study guide at all. I got a like B-/C+ last time so hopefully it will be fine even if I do 'badly'.

My mind has been very preoccupied with nothings lately. I suppose it's because if my mind doesn't attempt anything serious I can't fail the attempt. Motivation is still getting better slowly. Next quarter I should be ok, but I still wonder if there is a point anymore. Yes, I'm still trying to improve my knowledge. Yes, I'm still trying to apply for jobs. Yes, I'm still very friendly and looking for friends and a sweetie. (The person this morning actually mentioned that I always seem friendly and eager to help online.) But there has been no real change in years despite my various attempts. And as always these days I wonder if there ever will be.

Day 877 - 11/25 - Cold snap turkey

Today was a good day. Last night a friendly student peep asked me what I was doing for turkey day. Obviously I was doing nothing. She said to come over for nom and they would be doing it all day starting at noon. Last night was pretty cold so I was kept up a bit. I changed sanctuaries later to one I knew I could continue to sleep in at around 8 and to my surprise I didn't wake up again until almost 1:30. I showered then went over to the peeps house after a brief stop at the store to check things online. I had a good time. As expected it was pretty much all just her family and they sat around and watched football. I'm not into sports so I didn't say much through the day. The people were nice enough so it was good. I nommed turkey and some pumpkin pie.

I took back the monitor to C&H's. I just dropped it off outside their garage and left. When I arrived back at my ex-home hub area I deleted their contacts from my phone, the final step in purging them from my life. It was sad to do. They were pretty good friends, but thinking back they aren't really the kinds of friends I really look for. I look for people who are caring and kind and act with kindness, compassion, and understanding first. C&H, upon reflection, always attacked, defending themselves first, and never really questioned the situation. Having them in those final days always telling me my priorities were off and I needed to straighten up when they themselves were off, well that just really got to me. H does have pretty bad seizures at times, but most of the time I knew him he had no problems at all playing single player games and watching movies. He could have easily have had some kind of home work (though granted that is extremely difficult to find.) C, while pregnant now, has in the past and even this year, only worked at a regular job about four months out of the year, purposely choosing to only work seasonally when she could instead be making probably 80k a year. So, people who seem unmotivated to take care of money needs themselves who have to borrow money and sell stuff to protect themselves from becoming homeless less than five months after voluntarily leaving a job... that doesn't settle well with me when they are poo pooing everything I'm having bad luck in achieveing. You don't be cold and unsympathetic to someoen about a situation they can't control while purposely putting yourself into a situation that isn't secure when you could remain in a secure one.

Anyways... that drama is over and done with. A chapter in my life that could have otherwise been a happy restart turned sour and disolved to nothing. It's probably for the best. If the loving, caring, sympathetic couple who I first had take me in, give me shelter, and buy me some food and cloths were not the real them, and instead the real them were who they were at the end... I don't need those kinds of people in my life.

I discovered why it's so cold lately. The news broadcast at the person's house was saying we are getting a "cold snap" brought in by a storm coming from the ocean. I guess we are seeing record colds and the next few days to a week will hit sub-freezing; a rarity in this area. The local areas are calling it a state of emergency and are opening shelters early, opening new shelters, and not turning anyone away. I guess something like 90 homeless were lost this past year already. Since I have sanctuaries I can call on, as risky as they may be at times, I'll be ok. I shouldn't be discovered, especially with the added cover of extreme cold. Plus, the peep I visited today (and her mom) were very concerned about me and said I could stay on their couch through the winter if need be. It's tempting, and I'll consider it, but there are children in their small home. They have a very sweet kitty though, and after only 6 hours I was a bit wheezy. After picking him up for just a few minutes my eyes were getting itchy, so it's a less than ideal place for me. It could be a new friend though, but I don't know how much we have in common as she's not really a gamer and she's into sports and I'm not.

That's all for today really. A lot to say I guess but not much happened. I don't know how the rest of the weekend will go what with school closed. With all the extra shopping (generating activity) I'm sure I'll be fine.

Day 878 - 11/26 - Sad Black Friday, no sales

It's a sad Black Friday for me, but then I've been so far out of society and friends for so long I can't even remember the last time I bought stuff for people on Black Friday.

I haven't done anything today. I spent like 3 hours updating my laptop for Cataclysm and it's still not even done yet. On a regular system by landline that probably wouldn't have been more than 15 minutes. Of course I didn't play other games today, as I can't unless they are phone games.

I looked around at sales and laptops and nothing is in the range of what I have that is a gaming system. There are a few more in the $800-1,000 range, but without the money it doesn't matter if there are two good ones or 20; not affordable is not affordable.

I decided to see Tangled. It looks fun. I'm sure it would be much better with a sweetie, but... While at the mall I decided to check out this fancy weapons and armor shop to see what kind of steampunk stuff they may have. They got purged out on cloths, so nothing much to see, but the shopkeep recognized me. I've only been in there once or twice before (over the span of about a year) so that surprised me. It was nice to see a smiling face who was welcoming and seemed to recognize me. He seemed like a nice guy.

Well, I've got a little over two hours until the movie. I guess I'll go eat and mess around online a bit.

I guess that's all for now. I hope everyone's holiday is filled with friends, food, laughter and love. Don't let my sad story become yours. May good people and good times be around you, always.

Day 879 - 11/27 - Day of nothing and sadness

It's just afternoon. I've been staring at the rain for probably the last 20 minutes wondering what to do today. I'm currently at school in a covered lot. I'd prefer to keep my car covered because it is absolutely pouring. Unfortunately there are only two places I can be under cover; school or the mall. I could stay here and have Internet if I didn't mind being out in the freezing rain with moderate wind. I could go to the mall, but as I discovered last night its wireless is still completely not reachable with my netbook. The only other options for what to do for access would mean my car is uncovered. I suppose it will be ok. The previous owner said it never leaked and I haven't seen any so far, but it makes me sad to leave him out in the cold pouring rain.

If I had a gaming system I could probably just stay here or go to the mall. I could play single player games and then we both could be happy. Or, maybe my system's wireless could see the mall's (though I've not seen anyone there and connected since it started flaking a year ago, even though I've only been there a few times since.) Or, I could go some places even though the car would get wet. The only thing I can do for gaming without is to try and game on the netbook. WoW runs at 7-15 FPS in the areas I'm in, but that is more than nothing I suppose. With not having enough for a gaming system I've no choice, and there is a certainty it won't be happening anytime soon on my own. The guild help was awesome, and even with donations pouring in at one, sometimes two a day, it didn't gather enough. I've got only $500 of the $800 needed, and the rest... well, the rest I don't earn. It won't be until my hours go up or get gift money during Xmas time that I will get more to put towards savings.

I'm afraid today will be little more than a cold, rainy, and sad day for both me and my car.

Time passes

Day has turned to night and I am sad. My life seems extra sad during the holidays, as they are the longest days of non-social non-traditional activities. I've wanted nothing more from life this weekend than to have a place that I have some private space to watch the Twilight Zone marathon (if it's on), other movies and shows, and to play my games. Simple dreams, but ones I can't have.

I'm nomming at Panda. The last time I was here, in this very spot, I was with company. Not just friendly company but a super cute, fun, attractive gamer girl. Now... now it seems so much lonelier, so much more sad to be here alone. There is noone to talk to, noone to laugh with, (although I didn't with the cute girl) noone to share my food with.

The gaming day seems a distant fading memory now. I still have flashes, pieces of memory; when I first saw the cutie at the event (before the day I spent time with peeps), a few memories of filming the event, a few of the devs being happy they could meet me, a few poster/forum people happy to meet me, the podcast, and a few devs super excited to meet me in the office who couldn't see me the night before.

But now... now I am alone again. It's about 6 I guess, but when I finish dinner I've no home to return to. It could be 7, 8, or even 9, and it wouldn't matter. When I leave I've no home to return to, no bed, no computer desk. All these things wait in storage. And me... I suppose I too in a way wait in storage for someone who loves me to return and reclaim me and place me in a forced spot in their life.

Day 880 - 11/28 - Frostbite?

It's very early afternoon. I just got up after a nap at one of the sanctuaries, so my day has just started. I've slept a lot lately. It's probably because I haven't gotten to sleep until late and being too cold at school to sleep well.

I think I may have gotten some frostbite damage on my foot. I don't think I've ever gotten it before, so I'm not sure. The bottom back of my right ball of my heel I guess it is has a cut. But I don't ever remember feeling it happen, and it was first hurting one morning. I think what happened is that my foot must have gotten too cold and split, either when I stepped down on it or when walking on it. It's cut like but it looks very clean. It aches a bit but mostly it just hurts when there is pressure on it or touched. Hopefully it will heal ok. It's in what is I think a lower circulation area. Boo boos on my feet always take forever to heal.

Well, time to nom lunch and start my day. Maybe something good will happen later. The only thing to do is go to a stupid meeting with friendly students because I have a stupid group project. Bye for now.

Day 881 - 11/29 - Listening, and hearing my past

Nothing really special happened today that was new. No jobs to apply for as things are too slow from the holiday. No donations, still none since what is it now, nearly two weeks ago? I did do an overdue assignment, so that's good.

I did have a good time today. I played WoW a bit. I started that back up yesterday with 7 free days. Though I probably won't stay reactivated for more than a month or two. As expected the areas I'm in are running at 7-15 FPS during the best of times. Also, the people I used to play with have stopped playing or left the guild I'm in, or both, so even if I could play unhindered I don't know how enjoyable it would be to play alone. With an actual gaming system and not running slow, who knows; maybe I'd enjoy it a lot more, maybe find a new guild. With the limitations of the netbook I get just about as much sadness as I do enjoyment when playing. It's just too slow and struggles too much. I do want to see the new content though. I wasn't expecting nearly all of my friends to have moved on though.

I'm also having a good time listening to podcasts of the Penny Arcade people playing D&D. A lot of what they are doing is exactly what I used to do with my friends back in the day. We would have a gaming weekend every other month or so. We'd meet at one person's house, hang out, and game. I'd cook people lunch or we'd do sandwiches, we'd play all day, I'd cook dinner or we'd get pizza, and we'd play all night until around midnight. We'd sleep, then when everyone was sufficiently awake we'd start up again. Hearing the podcast makes me miss the old pen and paper days. But to have that kind of fun you need the right kind of group, the right kinds of friends. Things have to be just so. But when it works it's great. It's not like video gaming. There is a completely different pacing. Things are much slower. You learn about the characters and each other. Maybe some day someone will make a deep enough online experience that players will want to play like that again.

As always with my life I end my day feeling sad, alone, and longing for and remembering happier times, wondering if I will ever have them again.

Day 882 - 11/30 - Made me laugh

Today I checked my mail. There was a letter from the city saying I should send a donation to help homeless people. I was like, um I am homeless. It made me laugh.

I got my Black Friday movies; Crank 2, Kick-Ass, and Watchmen. Two were $10, one was $8. Woot for cheap movie sale on Black Friday.

I had to rearrange stuff here at work. I really don't get it. Why do I have to come here every week and rearrange the stuff stuck on the window so it doesn't block your view? Is everyone else dumb? Do they not look out of the office like they are supposed to? Why must I also move the stapler and tape from the other window that you need to open to talk to people? I don't get it. Are these people that dumb?

Well, nothing new today save for my movies really. I suppose that's about as good as my life gets these days.

Hope everyone's life is going ok in these starting holiday times. Mine... welll... I try to keep my hopes up and remind myself that it only takes one to change, and that one can happen at any time.

Comments and stuff Copyright E. Stryker 2008-2010
Pictures for Epic Fail are taken by me. :)

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