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Epic Fail: The Journal of a Homeless Gamer
Book 3: oh noes

This is my journal I wrote during the time I was homeless. It is broken up by week for easier reading. Feel free to read it on the web or download the complete .pdf version and print it for reading offline.

Week 133

Day 925 - 1/12 - Dissapointment

(These are actually thoughts from yesterday, but I already posted so they will be at the start of this day.)

I was very disappointed about my life and what I accomplished today. I know earlier I said I was just the regular sad, but as the evening class went on and the night progressed I felt more and more disappointed in life situations and about my limitations. Disappointed in how little I accomplished because I feel I need to let myself sleep if I can (since there are times that I can't.) Disappointed in how restricted my options were in doing my podcast research and not beginning it. Disappointed that I didn't get to set up a shell for the podcast page like I wanted. Disappointed in my job prospects. Disappointed in my ability to do, well, anything due to the lack of privacy. But also disappointed in things outside of my direct scope. Like there are no girls that seem remotely interested in me, and haven't been for years. Is my love life really to be that doomed? Am I really that alone that I'm one of the few who don't have anyone to talk about or text to? I saw 'the ghost who said boo, damn it' as I'll call him. I just peeked in to the room around the time I expected him there. And I became disappointed in my past friends when I was reminded I have no long time friends anymore, nor any new ones. Where are my friends? Why don't I have anyone to hang out with? Play games with? Go to the movies with? Why are all my relationships now distant or non-existent?

As the night grew long and the cold closed in, all of the sad things in my life, indeed my life itself, seemed like just one big disappointment.

Time passes

I got a proper start on my podcast today. There were some unforeseen issues though, which I guess are common with recording. I didn't make a script, so there were at least a dozen or so restarts. When I was doing good I'd go for about 5 minutes then pause so that segment was on it's own. The biggest early hurdles were the hardware and location. The mic has a touch of hiss, and I have to keep the volume of my voice fairly constant or it spikes and crackles. The room in the library I used was pretty tiny, about 6' square, and not soundproof. So, it could echo easily and I could hear noise from the outside easily. A huge hurdle which will likely be ongoing for the near future is the software. Its layering seems basic, so doing anything besides record, stop, record to continue, repeat, seems... at the very least difficult. Adding in a sound didn't seem to work. It played at the wrong speed. I have no idea why, but I couldn't figure out how to do it correctly. So, inserting sounds is what I'm going to research after dinner.

I feel pretty good about it so far. I'd guess it's maybe 10 minutes added all up. It's really just a bio - a history of who rabb1t is and how he got here. As I was going along it became more and more difficult to think of what to say so I'll have to start keeping notes for topic ideas, maybe even make at least an outline. Without a script or direction I found myself stumbling into a lot of 'ums' which led to stopping and deleting. I'm sad the software isn't better. There were some good bloopers in there, like "blue blox D&D." It's surprising how hard it is to say "blue box" out loud without stumbling.

I don't know that I'll get another chance to record until Friday when I'm at work unless I do it in my car, which I'll likely pass on while the weather is cold. I'll probably just regularly do some Monday and Friday and eventually get enough for what I'm hoping is a bi-weekly release. If I don't have enough it may have to be every three or four weeks. We'll see.

Bye for now.

Day 926 - 1/13 - Chubby again

Well, I confirmed things on the school scales that I'm a fair bit chubby again. I figured I was, as walking around and bending over to tie my shoes tires me out. I'm back up at 210-ish again. While not huge, that's pretty far from the 185 I'd been averaging lately. I have started doing a mini-workout during work again, and I think a lot of that weight came about from having to eat fast food all the time during winter break, not to mention the added stress of lost sleep. So hopefully that extra weight will be gone fairly quickly. I didn't progress with my podcasting much today, though I'm feeling pretty happy about how it turned out and I'm feeling positive about the future. I found a way to get rid of the horrid static hiss, but it's been replaced with a slightly robotic echo. I'll verify how much better or worse it is in a bit. I found some of the transitions I wanted originally, so that's awesome. I couldn't research if they could be added after the fact though. With this free software I have I may have to resort to planning my segments and transitions in advance and adding them as I go. In other good podcast news it seems there were several references that you want a USB microphone for clean sound. There is apparently a very good one at $70. While that's a ton of money for me these days I think I'll probably use the guild's money to get it. Hopefully they'd understand. A bit of money was already lost to cover lost work hours and that $70 would be almost all that's left. But, with this it would be something I could enjoy right away. It would improve how much I enjoy doing the podcast, which means it would improve the podcast for everyone. As I can't use it for a laptop without the additional $700 required, it really does no good sitting in savings. Better to improve the podcasts I think. Plus, with better sounding podcasts, a happier bunnah making them, I think that would improve my chances for increasing my audience, increasing awareness about my homelessness, and increasing chances for donations.

Outside of that, that's all for today. I was prevented from being in a sanctuary until about 3 AM last night, so with all the running and hiding keeping me up until 4 most of my sleep had to be done when I got on campus a few hours later. I slept until about 12:30, leaving me very little time until class at 6:30. I had to do some homework, do a few things for the podcast, eat, twice, and that was all my time. I didn't get a chance to look up how to do RSS feeds to get my podcast out to everyone. That will have to wait until tomorrow.

Guess that's all for today. Bye for now.

Day 927 - 1/14 - Podcast approved

I'm feeling pretty good today. I got hardly any sleep though. Even though I was safe to sleep by midnight I couldn't until almost 4. I think I was, and am, super excited about having fun making the podcasts. Podcast 1 is submitted now (approved at around 6:30 PM), so the first will appear at any time. I'm tempted to do more tonight, but I'm going to hold out until I've got my good microphone. (Ordered late last night, and it should be here Tuesday.) I did figure out how to put in transitions and stuff, so podcast 1 was a lot closer to what I'd hoped for.

It's later afternoon, doing laundry. Nothing else really to say that's interesting. Bye for now.

Day 928 - 1/15 - The greeeeen hornet

I guess today has been pretty good so far. Seeing my podcast on iTunes is so exciting and yet so odd. I feel like a genuine famous person. I'm anxious to start work on the next, but I fear I may run out of things to discuss pretty quickly.

I flirted with the beautiful librarian the other day. I needed a book for homework and she said they had an older version I could check out for like six months. Even though the current version is only able to be kept for two hours I declined. I did it in part because it's the old version but more so since "that way I get to see you more." She smiled and blushed. She is the primary rose this year. Unlike last year, there are about four I'm considering giving candies to. I doubt any are single, or would be interested, but teh bunnah tries.

It's about 6:15 now. I'm nomming dinner before going to the Green Hornet in IMAX 3D. It should pwn. I used to watch the Green Hornet when I was young, as well as listening to the radio show. He's not a super well known hero. In fact, I'd bet most of those in their 20s will have no clue who he is.

That's about all I can think of at the moment. Bye for now.

Day 929 - 1/16 - Podcast day

Today I did most of podcast 2. The new microphone sounds way better. There is no static white noise at all. There is, unfortunately, a pah pah popping on occasion as I speak, so I have to be careful of that. There is also a sort of static popping. I'm not sure if they are related. They are infrequent enough though I don't think it will bother listeners. Unfortunately I don't know what to do for the third segment. I am doing pretty good on time though. It's at 18 minutes in for the first two segments.

I don't know what I'll do tomorrow. School will be closed, otherwise I'd just hang out on campus all day. The library too will be closed, as will all government buildings. I should be able to go to coffee shops, which means it will be a very long day at about 15 hours of just doing that.

I guess that's it really. I'm glad I decided to take up the podcasting. I've not gotten any feedback or ratings yet. It could be a while before I do what with only 7 people signed up on my Facebook. (Meaning they are the only ones who can post.) I have no clue what to do for the next, but I'm very proud of how they've turned out. I've gotten used to using the software now. While still not the greatest, and still confusing me at times, it works well enough.

Guess that's all for tonight, bye for now.

Day 930 - 1/18 - Slowwwwww day

It's about noon, lunch time. Today has been so slow. With nowhere to sleep in and nowhere to go to do school stuff I've nothing to do but messing around on boards and on the web. I've already done more than I normally do in a day and it's not even half over. Once you take care of basic food and warmth the most difficult thing about being homeless is keeping busy and keeping your spirits up. While I do have all of the Internet at my disposal, and I could watch movies, without being able to game the day will pass very slowly. I'll likely try and do some homework that's due tomorrow later in the day, but without the book I don't know if it's possible.

So far it's been the foggiest day ever. It still is even now at mid-day. I may be able to catch a nap somewhere, but with the fog population will be down everywhere, reducing my chance of blending in.

Well, sad homeless life is what it is. Bye for now.

Day 931 - 1/19 - A hopeful fail week ending

Although it's only about 5 I think I'll close this fail week out so I can post it. I will be getting the last bit of podcast 2 done later, so I want this week's Epic Fail out of the way so I can focus on getting that done and ready for the morning. I'm feeling very positive and good about how it's turned out, and even how the first one turned out once I'd figured out a few things about the software. I'm glad I decided to try it out. For once in a very long time, certainly as long as I can remember short-term, and rivaled only by one or two other days during the entire time I've been homeless, for once I feel like the fail week is ending on a positive note. The podcasts so far have gone as well as I expected, better in fact. And even though I don't really have a solid topic to finish out the 2nd, and even though I've no clue what I'll do for the 3rd tentatively set to be ready a few weeks from now, even with that I feel pretty good and hopeful that things will improve, that new and good things can happen to me, and that things may turn out ok. My life is taking different twists and turns than I expected, but some of them seem to be turning out ok, and maybe that's the way out of the sad times for me.

Week 134

Day 932 - 1/19 - Migraine

I think I have a migraine. I've got a terrible headache, my eyes hurt, my ears hurt, and I feel sick in my tummy.

I'm mad at iTunes too. For some reason my podcast picture isn't being bound to podcast 2. It worked fine for 1, but it isn't for 2 for some reason.

I guess that's really all for today. Nothing good, bad, or exciting has really happened. With my headache being what it is I've had zero motivation and have been in a haze all day.

Day 933 - 1/20 - Feeling like it's time to buy pants

Today from about noon until the evening I've felt like I was going to buy pants. This probably sounds strange to most, so I'll explain. It even took me a while to figure out why I felt this way. Back in the day, back when I had friends, back when I had a sweetie, spring meant being outside and playing Nerf Wars. So, traditionally in early spring I'd go buy a couple of new pairs of pants, as most holes in pants are dangerous to run around in. It's been a touch warmer these past few days during mid-day and I think that triggered a sense memory of that meaning that it's spring is on the way - time to buy some new pants.

I can't figure out why I still feel that way though. I haven't done that in more than 10 years, probably closer to 15 than not. But yes, once upon a time spring meant every other weekend was a Nerf Warm, or playing games, followed by a BBQ and movies in the evening. Sometimes well into the night to midnight and beyond. But it's been years since I've had friends off-line. Even if I weren't homeless now spring and the warm weather would be effectively meaningless outside of the fact that I'm no longer cold all the time.

Today I saw 'the alpha', the leader of the group who no longer meets in the cafeteria. He was walking through the cafeteria texting and looking for a place to stop and eat. I saw him alone, no longer surrounded by the dozen or so peers he'd eaten, played, and laughed with on so many days past. I felt sad for him. I hoped he was still in contact with them and he'd not lost his friends. A few minutes passed and I noticed him talking with a very attractive redhead. She was sitting at a table where it appeared two groups of three were together at two joined tables. They hugged and I saw her gesturing what seemed to be an introduction to the two near her. They did a 'bro shake', you know, the palm grasp fist bump head nod 'sup' that all the cool kids do these days. Then he sat down and joined them. I felt glad. He may not have his own social group anymore, but it seems he got invited to that one. After a while the three from that end and he all left together.

As always I thought back to my own lack of social circles in real life. It made me recall days of my youth where I was always the one picked last, always the one eating alone. It again made me wonder what aura I may have that puts people off from me. Why have I seemingly always been the one alone.

I have no answers. I may never get any. All I know is my social circle doesn't exist. And I don't need new pants.

Day 934 - 1/21 - Not invited in

Today was overall a sad day. I got up a bit early because I had a lot to do, though it was tough as I couldn't fall asleep until 3 in the morning last night. I was sad most of the day. Oh, but good news. I did my taxes and it seems I'll be getting a pretty substantial return. Combined with what is left from the guild I should be just about at the lowest price range for laptops. I may be able to squeeze enough from my budget (or if I get some donations) that I could get one as early as March. Though it's very tempting to hold out for a bit longer and get one with a more powerful graphics chip or Blu-ray so I can watch my movies and shows. But, the new batch of laptops aren't quite out yet, so I may wind up waiting a bit for them. They would be the better choice.

But besides that I was pretty sad today. It felt like early spring again, but I also felt very lonely. I went by the ex-garage to print some new rabb1t site cards and when I left I quickly checked for mail. As I was almost completely down the path back away from the house I heard the front door open and close. My friend/ex-roomie was home. This isn't surprising as she's been out of work for over a year now. Hearing the door almost made me cry. I wonder still if she doesn't want to be friends and is just nice due to our history and that I have nowhere else to put my stuff, or if it hurts her just as much to see me and she's sad too that I can't come over. Way back a few months after I'd been kicked out she mentioned we should plan weekly hang outs and I could shower and do laundry. That's never happened. I never got that invite. Only one night ever did she invite me over to stay, do laundry, and we watched a movie. I suppose it's for the best. Being back in the house where I lived fairly happily for so many years, now exiled from... it hurts.

I think I did some good work on podcast 3 though tonight. It's about 2/3 done. I think using that location to do them from will work out quite well. Now I just need more topics to discuss.

Day 935 - 1/22 - Another Saturday

Today is ok I suppose, but I've been sad all day. It's another Saturday spent doing effectively nothing. I watched some shows and helped online, but that's it. It would have been a good day to hang out with friends and watched movies in the evening.

I got called to cover for a few hours tomorrow, so that's good. That's a touch more I can put towards a laptop. I'll be most of the way there after the tax return. That's pretty exciting.

It's early evening. The sun has set and it's getting cold. I don't expect anything interesting to happen tonight. I try to stay hopeful, but my life is what it is.

Day 936 - 1/23 - Podcast 3

I guess today was good, though it was more productive than good. I finished podcast 3 early, so I'm celebrating with a fancier nom. It's early at around 6, but I don't expect anything of interest to happen later. Guess that's it for today.

Day 937 - 1/24 - Podcastery

So I got my bag for my microphone. Now I can carry it without worrying so much. It's in a small padded camera bag. The stand is 2/3 the way in a side pocket, but that's ok. Mostly I've been worried about the case it came in. It's cardboard and plastic, so it offered little to no protection from the cold nights and mornings. While not a lot more protection in the bag, I won't worry about condensation on the plastic causing damage to the mic. I don't think I ever saw any, but I'm sure being carried around in the cold and in a car at near freezing temperatures at night were what the engineers designed it for.

I'd have liked to get a real start on podcast 4 tonight, but I have no real topics to speak of in mind to talk about yet. I have a sort of topic, but it would only be about 2 minutes, very short of the 8-10 target figure.

I got a donation, woot! It will be the first I get to talk about on the podcast. I've made up a 'pirates treasure' sound wav for it which I think is fun. I don't know when podcast 4 will be done though. With nothing but about 3 minutes so far I expect it will be closer to the two weeks I estimated I'd release them than not.

That's really all for today. I think I have a cold. I slept about 10 hours and woke up past noon, so I only had a few hours before work to do anything.

Bye for now.

Day 938 - 1/25 - Friend, or Friend?

I guess I should clear something up that may seem confusing. Here in Epic Fail, and more recently in my podcasts, I've said that I have no friends, yet at times I say things like 'my friend/ex-roomie' or 'online work for my friend' or 'online friends'. When I say I have no friends, what I mean are the people you talk to at least once a week, who you see at least once a month, who you hang out with, play games with, watch movies with, laugh and talk with. While I had those things once upon a time with my friend/ex-roomie, and while I have seen her twice in the past week or so, I think it's probably more on the average of seeing her once every 4 months now, and it's been years since she invited me in to hang out for more than 10 minutes or so. And with my friend I'm doing the online work for, though I went to a New Year's day gaming party thing she had, and saw her briefly once after that, we don't really talk, and it's probably been 15 or more years since I saw her before the party. My online or board friends, well, they are online. There's that 'distance' between us as with all online friends where you only know a small part of them, not their whole person. So, don't get me wrong, I'm not completely without friends. Yet, I have noone in my life I'd call a "friend". I guess I don't know the right word for it. It's certainly not "best friend", as I don't know that I've ever had a best friend in the way people mean. Maybe I mean close friend, I don't know. I have people in my life, but we don't really interact all that often, and when we do it's more through what we have shared in common in the past, or in the case of online friends, through a game (I can't currently play) or a board we talk on. So there are people, they are friendly, but I don't know that I'd call them "friend" in the sense that everyone understands the word to be, and thus why I say I have no friends.

I'm finishing the week a bit early to get it up before class tonight. I won't have time to get it online after, and I don't want everyone waiting around until like noon Wednesday to get it. (Though you may be used to checking for it then anyways, heh.) It's only 3, but I don't expect anything of real interest to happen. So little seems to change in my life, and none of it seems to happen quickly anymore.

It's warm for the moment. Not quite warm enough for my tastes, but warm enough I sort of wish I had shorts with me. Though I know that in a few hours when it starts to get dark this warmth will rapidly be gone and it will be cold again. Even though it feels as if spring is in the air and it feels like we are heading towards warmer, freer, and happier days, that this change is coming very very slowly, and once night falls we will rapidly be back to winter again.

I'm so very sleepy. My eyes have only been half open all day. I couldn't sleep until after 2 AM last night. I don't know if that's because I still have a bit of a cold or if it's simply my sad terrible life causing me to not feel safe, and being in uncomfortable positions. The days of sleeping in a bed and being in a room that is mine are becoming further and further distant memories. It's becoming harder and harder to remember what it felt like, both physically and emotionally, to be able to sleep in a bed in a place that's safe, warm, and quiet. While I remember being able to get up, shower, and play or do whatever I wanted, they are as distant memories in my mind as anything else at this point. Remembering those days just over 2.5 years ago is the same in my memory as those days more than 20 years ago. I try to stay positive, seeing all the people being friendly towards one another around me on campus, seeing all the cuties and wondering if maybe there is one for me out there somewhere, but as the days continue to pass and I continue to be alone in everything I do... I am still sad save for a few bright happy things in my life which I still enjoy doing, but wonder if they truly help enhance and bring joy to others lives any more than anyone else could.

Comments and stuff Copyright E. Stryker 2008-2011
Pictures for Epic Fail are taken by me. :)

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