Week 155
Day 1079 - 6/15 - Chlorine in the nose
I got too much chlorine up my nose and in my tummy today. 
It was the first day of training for summer. It was actually more fun than previous years. I don't know why. But now I'm a bit dizzy and icky feeling.
I was a bit sad today. I've been posting comments at a new podcast site. They seemed kinda new, so I suggested some things I thought might make them a better podcast. Also, it's a game doing D&D. I have only skimmed the new books, but with probably 200 or more hours of listening to other D&D pocdasts, and having designed and run several gaming systems, I feel pretty confident about the rules. I made a few private messages about the rules, not to be a rules lawyer or nerd rage, but to be sure they are clear on things. It's a group of new players, and with new players potentially listenng I feel it's very important they have certain rules correct. It was only a few mistakes, but ones if new people learned incorrectly could greatly hinder a person's learning. I got one silly comment erased (which I don't understand at all), and a reply via private message that I may enjoy another podcast more. My last podcast talked about style, so, sure, I'd agre maybe it's not a good match for me since I do enjoy a certain level of... correctness... exactness... in gaming, and if they don't care about that, or aren't focusing on that, then maybe not listening would be best. And I'm honestly ok with it (though I'll likely keep listening a few more times and see if that changes.) But still, it felt like I was young and someone said "I don't want to be your friend, go away." Not because of how they replied or anything, just that I have so few connections that one being shut down seems... very sad.
I still hope to have friends to have fun with again someday, but with every day that passes that I don't get an offer to hang out with people, or classmates who are friendly are never seen again when class is over, or seeing possible friendship or network lines are cut off... it makes me sad and I wonder if it really will ever happen for me... or if not and all I have now is it. 
Day 1080 - 6/16 - Fading in and out
I'm so exhausted today. Earlier I was fading in and out. I couldn't concentrate at all after work. Thank the gods I didn't have class tonight.
It's hilarious. This teacher who has been so terrible with directions and such is having a huge comprehensive final that's like 40% of your total grade. For some insane reason she is collecting people's notes. Many people have hand written ones with no copies. (I always type mine in; most directly to the file.) She made everyone turn them in last week, two weeks before the final, when she knew she would likely be out the following week. And to my not surprise she was. Who knows how many are now not going to have their notes to study from. Isn't that insane?
That's really it for today. There was work training. Oh, I did get a small shift this morning and got to start podcast 18. So, I did that too. But work, burnt out too much to really do anything after, watched a few shows, and that was my day.
I suppose there is a new debate on the guild boards as we continue to lose members. It isn't surprising at all. Several of those early people who were pushing for gear have simply stopped showing up, leaving under geared people to fend for themselves. Those who aren't so ready have no way to do much in the way of content because everyone on the server just about is 50. Whenever I'm on my alt body I never see anyone questing in any areas and I really don't get groups. I'm honestly about to the point of canceling and going monthly by gift card one month at time. There just isn't any content and it's not designed for people not max level, which just hurts far too much of the population. While many / most in the guild are 50, the majority don't care to repeatedly grind the same things over and over for little to no reward.
Anyways... maybe tomorrow I can get some rest, but I'm too exhausted to continue talking today.
Day 1081 - 6/17 - A party
Today was ok I guess. There was work training in the morning, which I basically did nothing at. All the training was stuff I did several times before and stuff I don't need to know. Again, I didn't get to sleep in. After, there were a few hours I got to play a game, which was good. Then in the evening I went to a party at the friend's house who I do the online work for. It's still odd to call her a friend. I mean she is, but the last time I saw her was 6 months ago, and we don't talk online more than maybe once every other month, so it seems odd as I consider friends people you talk with, see, and hang out with often, and she and I haven't been like that in, well, a very long time. I guess though even if I had more friends that probably wouldn't be the case. It's been years since I've had friends like that - maybe a decade or more.
I'm so exhausted. Must try and sleep. I've got an emergency sort of shift tomorrow pretty early. It's only a few hours though, so I'm hoping I can go somewhere to sleep after. I guess we'll see.
Day 1082 - 6/18 - A lantern of green
Today was just a regular day pretty much. I had an early morning shift at work for a few hours, so that was ok. I went and watched a show on campus while I had lunch. I updated a couple of things on my site.
In the evening I saw Green Lantern, which was super awesome. There was no line when I got there about 1.5 hours before the start. I guess there wasn't going to be a line in addition to this new lame policy of not letting anyone in more than an hour before the movie starts. (And apparently not letting drinks or food from outside at all. They used to let in coffee and fast food, but not anymore.) The movie was awesome and I liked it a lot. I don't understand why it's gotten bad reviews. Of course, I don't read reviews, so I don't know why they don't like it.
That's it.
Day 1083 - 6/19 - Steak dinner
I am eating a fancy dinner. It will likely be about quadruple what I'd normally spend, but I really want steak. Once upon a time it wasn't a big deal. I'd have steak and potatoes and rice about once a week, sometimes I'd be super fancy and sauté onions with it. It was special, but far more common. Now... now I'm surprised such a thing is a rare treat. So much so that I don't even think of it. Such a food no longer exists to me. Things that were normally cooked are long forgotten. I don't think of them, and I don't know when I'll be able to cook them again. It's not that the recipes are forgotten or anything. It's just that they see so far out of reach I don't ever think of them if I do get a chance to cook.
It's dad's day. Yet another holiday I don't celebrate. And being such a specific one I wonder if I will ever be celebrated as a dad.
Day 1084 - 6/20 - Found me
Someone found my site today. They sent me a donation and some very kind words of support. It's kind of funny it happened now, as I'm working on a podcast that, so far, is titled appreciation.
Nothing else really happened today of interest. It was a pretty crazy day actually. I slept in at school, but woke up very early at 9:30. It could be because it was so warm today. (Though I was in a covered parking area.) It must have gotten up to 85F. After I got up I messed around a bit. I tried to watch a show but the bandwidth was too poopie. I had a new summer work shift. Then I played a bi online after. That was it.
A guildie asked me the other day why I'm still homeless because I seem so talented. I still don't know. Granted I'm not the best at finding jobs, but it's like a perfect storm. There are no family or friends that can help. Every job I try and apply to reportedly has hundreds of applicants. The ones I try for that are a stretch have applicants with dozens of years of experience. And, unlike real experts in their field, noone is approaching me to offer me a job. Only two people ever offered me a job by them approaching me. The first was at a company that failed, so I was only there about five months. And the second was so flakey I never actually met up with the owner to get a formal offer. He kept going out of town or was busy.
A better day in teh rabb1t life. It's warm and things don't seem so bad. There was some appreciation online, some nice chats with guildies. A good group or two where I felt helpful. But... no real growth or movement forward towards recovery.
Day 1085 - 6/21 - Another poking
Today was pretty ok. I slept in, but again woke up early at about 10. I went on campus, had an early lunch, watched a show, then left for my new afternoon shift. I played for a bit and after the shift played a bit more.
I had to get poked again too, so I did that on my way to work. I did the drink a lot trick before and it seemed to work again, so that was good.
I checked for jobs, but didn't find any. Well, there were a couple, but I lacked the correct background and experience.
I'm extremely hungry lately. Ever since I had the fancy dinner my tummy has been really hungry. I think that having nice food again has reminded it what it's missing. I think, at least during summer while I have more income, I may go to a better meal like once a week. Not always 4x the cost like on this weekend, but maybe a better restaurant style French dip or burger meal, something 2-3x normal cost. It will be nice, but sad to be alone.
I'm still so sad lately, but I'm happy doing my podcasts. I'm having a decent time with guildies in the game. And a few librarian people on campus have said hey lately. Life is still so very sad, but I don't feel quite so sad about it.
Week 156
Day 1086 - 6/22 - Sensitive heart
So I got a call from the school today and it looks like I may have been right. I think I mentioned my heart feels... bad... congested... while on this medicine unless I'm on a very low dose. She got the lab results and a number is 135 when a "high rating" for that number is 134, and it was a lot lower on the first test. So something with the medication isn't playing well with my kidneys. I may indeed be feeling the effects of that. She's having me cut back and we'll check again in a month.
I ordered the popper stopper yesterday and it should be at the ex-house tomorrow. I was re-listening to my old podcasts and there is just far more popping and distortion than I'd like. Newer ones are better, but I'm a long ways from the professional podcasts. Granted a $60 mic can't compete with the hundreds of dollars (in some cases thousands) of the professional level ones, but I'd like to see if the $15 popper stopper allows me to be more bold and produce clearer, louder, quality stuff.
Final tonight for the Wednesday class. That's over now. According to the points I should get a C+ or B-. The professor will likely be nice and bump it up to a B or B- I think. It won't be good for my GPA because it's not great, but it is what it is. I think it's time to move on as that field and classes haven't helped me get a job at all.
That's really all I can think of for today.
Day 1087 - 6/23 - Final final
Not much to say today. I got the popper stopper for my podcasts and it works awesome. I took the final final, so that's done. And Ihad a good time with my guildies even though I only had a few hours of play. Not much of a day, but it was pretty good I suppose.
Day 1088 - 6/24 - Strange dreams
I've had very strange dreams lately in the mornings. I didn't recall any of them now, which is probably a good thing, as I remember them being disturbing.
Today is the first day of summer as it were. I had no studying to do, no assignments, no classes to worry about. I spent all my library time watching shows and having fun. The connection at work was kinda bad, so I didn't get to play much. I played after though.
I talked to a few guildies about Guild Wars 2. There are others in the guild looking forward to it.
I feel extra sad today. I think it has to do with it being summer. I should be glad of the warm weather, the extra work hours, people being happier, summer movies... but sadness fills me. My mind can't help but think about what I don't have. How I'm sleeping in my car instead of sleeping in a bed. How I'm showering at work instead of showering after I wake up. How I'm going to the library and watching shows online instead of on TV. How I'm buying food from a cafeteria instead of choosing from many foods in a fridge and cooking. How I'm looking forward to games, games I'll have to play wirelessly on a single screen with headphones instead of on a desktop on triple monitor with my 5.1 speakers. So many limited things in my life. So many things that seem sad. So many that seem they may never change back to the way they were.
Day 1089 - 6/25 - Another fancier dinner
I decided to go to another fancy dinner this week. This one isn't as fancy, only about double what I would have spent. At $10 it isn't too terrible. I kind of really wanted a French dip, but there aren't really any two restaurants locally. The place I could have gotten one closed down at the start of the year for some reason. I'd have to drive about 10-15 minutes away to do it. It's not too far or anything, just further than I think I really wanted to go. Maybe in a few weeks.
It's an ok day I guess, but sad and lonely. Things seem out of control. They are I suppose, but they seem extra sad lately.
Hum, my burger's "lettuce" is coleslaw. Don't so much like that; different thing. Ah well, nom is ready, so I should eat. Not much going on besides that.
Day 1090 - 6/26 - Sad tournament losses
Today was the first match in my tournament. As expected I got beaten. I got beaten realy super bad though. It seemed like this guy belonged in the pro bracket. I wouldn't say he was unsportsmanlike, but he wasn't real friendly towards me as a new player. He has his guys in my base and knew I couldn't win, yet did things to harass me. I know it's a tournament and all, so you don't really want to be merciful and all, but sill.
I don't know why I decided to do this. I wanted to be part of something bigger than me, but I have a feeling I'm just going to continue to get stomped and it will make me a very sad bunny.
Noone in the guild was really on today. There were half a dozen on at peak time, with it mostly being closer to three. Granted it is Sunday, but still. It seems our numbers continue to dwindle. People aren't leaving, they just are showing up for less time on fewer days.
One of the managers at the coffee shop gave me props. He said he saw someone posted about their shop on a review site and that the poster gave a shout out to the gamer with big headphones. (I'm one of the only gamers and the only one with big headphones. The day of the post lines up with a potential time I was there too.) This shop is pretty nice. They all know me as the gamer guy, hehe. Back like a year ago when I was at the other store and you had to pay to use more than 2 hours of Internet some of the people at that shop didn't seem so nice about it. Maybe it's in part because the one I frequent now is more college people and some of them are gamers, so they are used to people staying longer and what not.
So, kind of ok day, kinda very sad day.
There was a crazy person at the shop as well. He's talked to me a few times. I say he's crazy because the first time I'd seen him he was arguing with his girlfriend because he spied on her online and that she'd hung out with a few guys when he was out of town. The next time I saw him he was telling someone he was sad that he couldn't join the military because he has a criminal record. This time he was on the phone with his mom and telling her that he could volunteer and get free pot. (I guess he's one of those people with a medical card.) So that was just another reminder of my sad homeless life. That's not the kind of person I want to associate with or thinking that I'm a chatting buddy. In a home I wouldn't have to worry about avoiding such a person.
Someone was meeting a person to rent a house too. It seemed like he and his girlfriend (not present) were going to move in together. How exciting. I can't remember really what it's like to have a sweetie and be in love anymore. I have no idea when, or if, I'll ever be planning to move in together.
My life seems so strange and sad now, both the good and the bad. I suppose though that I'm glad it is still my life. What with the kidney function issue with my blood pressure meds I'm still very worried about me.
Day 1091 - 6/27 - Shifting shifts
Not much of interest today. I got up late, but not super late. Since I do laundry on Mondays I only had a few hours on computers before needing to leave for that and my afternoon shift. I played from work for a bit but then I got word to trade evening shift locations with someone. Neither of us knew why when he stopped by where I was. It made no sense to reverse our locations like that. Ah well, it was what it was.
It was odd being on campus today. It was the first class day of summer, which I don't do classes during. (They are like 6 or 8 weeks every day for like 4 or more hours a day. I can't memorize that fast.) There weren't many in the library, but it wasn't completely empty.
It's still so odd not to have a break to have time to relax and not worry about things. My life is so stressful, and has been for so long. I'm used to it, but I'm also so tired of it. It seems so strange to think of myself as feral, something so outside of a normal routine that I don't even think in those terms anymore. So much of "being normal" again seems to require a sequence of starter steps, yet all of those starting steps have seemingly eluded me for years.
Day 1092 - 6/28 - Moar hours
Got a few more hours for over the summer. It's not a ton, just about 4 more, but still that's about $75 more a paycheck. Every little bit helps I guess. Nothing much else going on. Pretty much the same routine of looking for jobs and not finding anything, or not finding much. My life inches along, but seemingly never progresses.
I am still loving doing my stuff for my site and my new podcast, and I do have gaming in my life again, so that's something at least.
