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Epic Fail: The Journal of a Homeless Gamer
Book 3: oh noes

This is my journal I wrote during the time I was homeless. It is broken up by week for easier reading. Feel free to read it on the web or download the complete .pdf version and print it for reading offline.

Week 109

Day 757 - 7/28 - No money, plenty of sad

Nothing new today to report really. I've got no money really. I'm down about $50 on my estimate to buy a car, which means I've really only got about $900 to spend since I need a bit for registration and such. That's putting things a bit tight. Hopefully I can find something. Nothing decent has been up in my range during my checks, but I remain hopeful for finding something tomorrow, Friday, or Saturday.

I gave a work peep some system recommendations today and decided to try for credit to get my M11x. As expected it was denied. I have a number to call and see if they would do it if I offered a big downpayment and higher monthly payment (set to pay it off in 2 years instead of 3), but I won't hold my breath for their changing their minds. I probably will be stuck with no gaming laptop for the foreseeable future.

I still don't know what to do about school and a future career. I'd love to be a counselor, but I highly doubt I'll be let in to a masters (which is required). I might not mind doing network administering, but there isn't enough info to know what classes to sign up for and what would be required.

It's been super cold today; dark and cloudy, like a storm is coming. I've lost enough sleep lately that I'm jumping at noises.

I'll be spending a few hours on campus after the work shift that's about to start - I've got little else to do. I'm so hungry though.

My day so far seems like it's full of nothing but sad for me with no indication that will change anytime soon.

Day 758 - 7/29 - Four queens

It seems like a pretty sad day for me today. I've felt sad all day save for a few moments of happiness.

I had an ok time at work I guess, though the work friend who said he might be able to get me an iPhone said he gave it to his dad. So, if I do want to do a phone upgrade I'll have to get the new iPhone 4 myself. No point getting an older one as the savings isn't worth it. At least if I get the newest one it can replace my camera, so that recovers almost half the cost. The other peep who was looking for help at work said he'll likely get the M11x I recommended. Looking at my bills my getting an M11x is going to be very difficult even if I did get the $765+ from the lemon guy.

No luck on cars yet either. Everything is pretty much out of my price range. Even with an extra few hundred in a few weeks it may be difficult to find something. I guess the good news is that the money isn't going anywhere, save for all of my travels costing double or more, so there is a small drain as time goes on. If I get a bus pass for August my cost will be reduced, possibly to the cost of what driving would be, but that puts a huge dent in my car securing money as the cost is all up-front right now. Not to mention the restrictions in travel and cost in time. It wouldn't be until next paycheck in two weeks that cost would be balanced out. It takes my entire gas budget for the month to get the bus pass. It may be safe to get though. I'll decide tomorrow depending on the looks of my car choices.

I watched Psych and had a lot of lols here on campus. But it was sad because I couldn't laugh as much or as freely as I wanted or I'd have looked like a crazy person. I really miss being able to watch my shows and movies like I want.

I suppose the only positive thing today, besides a few people talking with me in a way I know that they really care about and are interested in me is that I found what may be some foreign monies, British pounds I think. I found fragments, as if someone tore a small stack in half and tossed it to the wind. It looks like about four repairable bills. If I'm not mistaken that could be about $8 if my bank will accept / convert the money for me. If I remember I'll do that tomorrow.

I'm so sad I'm hardly eating. I'm more going through the motions of eating because I know that I need to or I'll get too hungry to sleep later, though I'm getting so little sleep that any time I stop 'going' I start to fade off.

I guess that's all for now. Tomorrow will likely be a super sad day unless I find a cheap car. Noone has said they will cover a gym shift that I need covered, meaning I'll have to take a taxi from one location to the other. Due to how small the shift is I may actually lose money for that first shift. This doesn't count the fact that if I do the taxi money is lost now and eats into my car money, putting it even further out of my grasp.

Day 759 - 7/30 - Return of the gray ghost

It's a bit after noon. It's been a very unusual Friday so far. I had to get up super early to catch the bus to a work meeting this morning. Again it went short for my group of people, so I was done before 9. I decided to take a shower there instead of the gym. Foooo I feel so much better now shaved and showered. You really don't know how big of a deal it is until you can't get to shower for a few days and have to walk around everywhere. Since the meeting was done so early I went to a nearby store to use the Internets for a bit. No news on getting a car. I think being limited to bus travel is going to hurt me a fair bit.

I'm supposed to work from 3:45-5:15 but I can't find anyone to cover for me. Since my other location shift starts at 5:15 that puts me in a bind. I had a thought that a guy I've covered for on Sundays might be able to drive me. He's got a group he runs right there and I believe that ends right when I'd need a ride. No word from him on that though, despite leaving a message at 9. Either he didn't understand my question, or he doesn't have the camp thing today and won't be there. (Though it's odd he hasn't called to say that yet.)

It seems like forever since I've had a car. I can barely remember it and it was only a few weeks ago. These homeless days on the bus have been an emotional drain and so exhausting that each day has seemed like an eternity.

Doubly so since I can't game. Half a dozen people have asked if I'm playing StarCraft 2 yet. It launched Tuesday. They are always so surprised to hear that I can't. I haven't really explained why to any of them, just referenced that I need to keep everything for buying the car right now. It seems too sad to say, "I can't game because I'm homeless and my netbook can't run games." It's been the reality of my life for over two years now and it still boggles my mind. It's the one thing I can't change (unless I go to an Internet gaming center like Euphnet) - I'm a heavy gamer who can't game. I suppose if I could have any one wish right now that was not getting into a home, or being able to wish myself a sweetie and be in love, that it would be to be able to have an M11x. It seems so impossible a goal now what with the car junk draining everything I have. I still hope for that sponsor / generous donor to pop out and say "surprise!" at any moment, but since it's probably been over a year now since I've gotten any donations it seems unlikely.

More and more I feel alone in my troubles and struggle. I see people in worse positions than me asking for help and everyone ignores them. So many ignore those in need or in pain. And the sad part is that they really could help. Just a few dollars and a show of genuine concern would do so much to help a person in need. Even a seemingly silly need like mine of wanting to get a gaming laptop to bring a small bit of cheer into my life wouldn't take much in donations. If 100 people donated $10 each I'd quickly have the money. Heck, if half that many donated I could make up the difference. That's less than one person's movie ticket. Yet noone has offered. I can't remember when the last donation was. Even when I say things like my car is broken noone of my friends offered anything. You'd think they could offer some help in looking at cars, money to help, or a loan to get me back into a car ASAP and then pay them back in a month. I just don't get it. Maybe it's just everyone around here is too selfish, too stingy with money even if it's only a few dollars. Maybe they are worried that helping will somehow connect them to the problem and they will be dragged down into it.

Well, guess that's all for now. Gonna make a call to the coworker and check car ads and if I need to spend too much money on a bus pass. I'll probably check the Internet more too on my fun stuff.

Bye for now.

Time passes

I got a surprise email from the gray ghost. He said he wants to help. That could be some monies for getting a new car. Still no luck yet finding one in my price range though. With my limited range only a few appear every few hours. If the ghost does help with car monies that would help to expand my search range. It's a shame I don't have closer to the $2,000-2,500 range. I could find some cars that I like in that range.

The work peep can drive me from my work spot to the next, so that's an extra mini shift I get to keep that I thought I'd lose. It's only like $17 after taxes, but still, that's more towards car money or recovering spent car money.

That's all the news for now.

Day 760 - 7/31 - "Gotta potty!"

It's just about noon. I'm in a theater waiting for Despicable Me. I've been so sad the past few days I figured I really needed something happy. I got news/confirmation this morning that my computer and bunnies at C&H's have been packed up and sent to the garage. So, no more games for me until I either go to somewhere like Euphnet, upgrade to a real laptop like the M11x, or upgrade to an iPhone (which would only be like half a dozen casual games if I got everything I've found so far.) It seems my life (as it currently is) will go back to not gaming unless I upgrade or reactivate my WoW account. Again, I don't know how happy I'd be with 5-15 FPS average with highs of 20. It seems I may not have much choice. Gamer bunny with no games is a saaaddd bunny.

I got news from the gray ghost that he'll see about help with monies when he gets his next paycheck, which likely means two weeks from now. I guess that would be something if I don't find a car by then - which seems the most likely scenario since there are so few posts in the range I can afford. There was nothing this morning (since I last checked Friday afternoon). He did kind of gripe that I should not talk about my upgrade hopes and focus on getting back into a home first. Well, I already worry about getting into a home all the time. It weighs on my mind and soul in a way you just can't understand until you've really been homeless with no help. All I can do is look for work and apply. Until that happens the $600-800, or even a very cheap $400-500 a month rent is an impossibility. Yes, I admit it seems silly to think and talk more about something like an M11x or phone more, but those are within my grasp right now; money permitting. A home, well, if say I didn't spend the ~$1,000 on an M11x (which I don't even have money for anymore since the car broke), even if I didn't, that would be one, maybe two months of rent at best. Without the additional income to support that constant drain I'd be back on the street in no time.

The reality is that after 2 years and a month now I'm beginning to seriously wonder if I'll ever get back into a home again without help. I can upgrade my laptop and game for years to come. I can upgrade my phone and get current on features. Both help me "appear" and "feel" normal. But without a new opportunity, without a way to get that new job and higher income, my home status, or more accurately lack of home, won't and can't change. I can't just have a job at the snap of my fingers. If I could I'd have done so years ago.

The truth is, people like me, those homeless who aren't disabled in some way, we know what we need to get back into a home. We know what goals we need to reach. But without that outside help, without that opportunity being given to us, we can't move forward. The things I talk about may seem like stupid or silly choices, but they are the few things I can control.

Don't tell someone who needs help what to do or what they need; give them a hug, offer your compassion, tell them you believe in them and that things will get better. If they really don't know what to do, don't know where to go for resources, they will ask for help or express the need for it. If not, it just hurts their feelings to tell them things they already know.

Time passes

It's about 3:30. I'm still at the mall for the moment, but I don't know how long I'll stay. Its Internet is still completely unreliable.

When I was in the bathroom at a coffee shop this morning I heard someone try to open the door. Upon failing due to it being locked I heard a little girl's voice cry out, "gotta potty!" She sounded so sad and helpless, just like how I feel inside all the time lately. We all want our basic needs taken care of - to have a room for shelter, warmth, a bathroom, an area to cook, and a bit of privacy for our hobbies. Not having that, not being able to control your environment... try as I might to describe it I really don't think any can ever truly understand it without experiencing it. It boggles the mind that so many think people don't or wouldn't want these.

I have the Sunday morning shift at work again through much of August; the 1st, 8th, and the 15th. That will help keep income boosted. Dinners have been pretty expensive so far with no car. Now that I know that the school cafeteria area is open so late I will likely try and get more soups to micro there on Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursdays. Combined with work on Monday and Friday I should be able to keep fairly healthy dinners.

I'm so exhaustedly tired. I'd like nothing more than to have some private quiet space now. I've still probably got 5 hours before the world really starts to quiet down.

I guess that's all for now. With my bus limitations I have no options to really go anywhere. With no ability to game there wouldn't be much point in going anywhere private anyways. If I had a car I could at least have some private / quiet time and wouldn't have to worry so much about appearing busy the rest of the night. I got a chance to check just now before the Internet dropped me and there were no new car posts. I guess it wouldn't matter much if there were though what with the bank closing soon.

Well... I can do nothing now but hope change comes soon and I can once again find peace and balance in my life.

The day not lived

I eat alone
hardly touching my food from depression.

The sky is blue and black
It's turning to night, stars are coming out.

Woke up with the dawn
Now still awake at dusk

I had the day off with endless possibilities
Homeless, with no car, no possibilities can be realized

Now a day passed, a day I was alive
My soul and heart empty, it was a day left unlived.

Day 761 - 8/1 - Want to hide under the covers

Today has been one of those days I wanted to hide under my bed covers and feel sad until someone who loved me very much came to care for me and cheer me up a bit. I don't know if I've ever had anyone do that for me. I have for others. I am like the king of comforting and doing little things to cheer someone up.

My day already started super sad what with not having a car, being homeless, and now we are officially in August, meaning my birthday is only weeks away. But after work there were no jobs to apply to, no cars to call about, and poopiness towards me on the boards.

I can't even begin to think what my past days would have been like had I been in a home. It's easy to think 'if I had a car, if I had a home, I would have raced back to play StarCraft 2 and WoW today, watched shows and cooked dinner in the evening.' But thinking about actually being able to do it... it seems so alien to me now. It's been so long since I've had a room or home of my own with unrestricted access to my stuff.

Today is yet another day I'm tragically depressed, and I find myself again wondering if my future will ever get back on track, or if I am eternally doomed to jobs that aren't careers, to being homeless, to being without friends who stand by and comfort me in good times and bad, and if I will ever find a sweetie and have little ones of my own.

Day 762 - 8/2 - No hop left for the bunny

Today is another sad day in a long line of sad days. There is no hop left in this bunny. There was no good news to be found on boards or email today. Morning work was good and I expect evening work to be fine. I brought my laundry to do because it was overdue. The extra weight has been crushing my feet and ankles all day as I carry the pack.

It feels less and less likely to be gaming any time soon (not counting casual gaming.) The mall connection that I used to use was dead or too crippled to use the times I've visited recently. I don't know if that is permanent or not, but at least with that WoW on my netbook would be an option. Without, and without an upgrade to a real gaming laptop like the M11x, casual games I download or new ones I get when/if I get an iPhone seem to be the only gaming I'll be able to do in the foreseeable future. While I could go back to gaming at an Internet cafe, it doesn't seem very feasible as a long-term solution. If I recall that's about $2 an hour during cheap times, roughly $5 per visit for only a few hours of gaming. That's too expensive to do more than every now and then, far too expensive overall to continue on a regular basis. Even at only 10 hours a week, that's almost 50% of the M11x cost in a year. It just wouldn't make sense (particularly compared to the fact that the M11x could theoretically last 3 or more years as a viable gaming system.)

A beautiful girl (with dreads) asked me for monies today so she could buy some foods. I probably shouldn't have given it to her, but I gave her $1. That's just how I roll I guess. I don't want to see people suffer if I can help at all. After telling her I was homeless and knew how tough it was, she wished me good luck "always", which I suppose is something. Even though I believe in Fate, which would imply that luck does not exist, I do very much believe in it. Though I'd say luck just controls the when of our overall destiny, but wouldn't really change our overall destined path.

Nothing really new today, just the same sad as always lately.

Day 763 - 8/3 - On campus almost all day

Today is the first day of being back on campus about all day. I may not get to do this much though because it looks like the quarter is ending. It could be this week is it and then they are shut down. Hum, looking at the calendar it's possible they will be open next week too. I recall them only being closed for two weeks. There are a ton of people here, far more than I recall last summer, but then I could be remembering wrong.

It's 3:30, about 5 hours left here, though I may leave a touch early to have Panda. I've actually been extremely hungry today - a good sign what with my massive depression and not wanting to eat lately. I'm exhausted though. My eyes haven't been much more than half open all day. Tomorrow I'll likely come here right after getting up to move and then go right back to sleep somewhere in the library. I don't have to be at work until 3:45.

Not sure what to say; no job postings, no car postings, nothing new for news. I did hear back on the depression study. I have a phone interview to do, but if I'm selected I'd be on an eight week drug trial (one that's approved already) and get $175 at the end of it. Not sure how to feel about the drugs. While I agree mood can certainly alter how people perceive you, without the opportunity to interact your mood doesn't matter. Say like for jobs, feeling less depressed won't really help me now. The job postings are the job postings regardless of how I feel.

Yes... too sleepy. Taking contacts out for a bit and resting...

Time passes

Well, a 45 minute nap helped a bit I guess. I think my arms going numb woke me up more than anything.

I hope I get a car soon for cheap so I can move on. I'm tired of the stress and sadness, not to mention losing a place to sleep safely when on campus. Though there are few days I could sleep in at the moment what with my work schedule still being in summer mode.

My mind keeps thinking of the casual games I'll get to play if I get the iPhone 4. I only have two for my netbook, and I'm seriously burnt out on them both, particularly since I've lately been unable to do anything else during my work shifts since I can't stop by to grab any movies I may have not yet seen. With the phone I'll get Angry Birds, Tron, Oregon Trail, and an arcade version of Ataxx, which was one of my favorite arcade games that I haven't played in years, and a few others that I don't remember the names of. These games are super cheap too; some are free, but most are $1 or $2. I think this will be a device more than a phone for me. I expect I'll play games, use the alarm and calendar, and Facebook far more than I'll use it for an actual phone. It reminds me of the pads they carried around in Star Trek the Next Generation. In fact, they even have some LCARS modifications you can do - though the full one requires that you set up your iPhone in a very specific way, so I'll probably just get the silly app that does a Tricorder thing, hehe.

More poopieness from H. I sent a message that C&H shouldn't wait on watching True Blood with me, as I didn't know when I'd get back over again since I'm having trouble getting a car, and instead of saying they were waiting, or they were hoping to see it with me, I got a cold reply of that 'they didn't wait' and that 'if I'm having a hard time getting money for a car I should sell my stuff in storage'. I'm thinking more and more C&H don't want to be my friend anymore. Instead of support, care, and help they once showed me, they seem to just now be cold and distant. I don't get why people say that I should just sell off my stuff. For one thing it's all older stuff that is hardly worth anything. But more importantly it's my life. It's all that's left of me. I only have a handful of items that, when I do get re-established, would allow me to instantly have some kind of life again, all-be-it behind the times. If I sold those few items, I'd have a few dollars in my pocket and my life would quickly dissolve before me. I don't think people realize just how important it is to have that life waiting for me to get a place to restart. Without... without it's like I have no life, like there is no point in trying to restart anymore, like there is nothing left of me to rebuild from or to.

I guess that's it for this week. I should probably wrap it up for posting. I guess this week was really more of the same; still no job change, still no car change, still no life upgrades due to the car choking out all my money, still no life changes in terms of friends or a sweetie. I guess the only real difference is that now I've fallen back down. What were all my hopes and dreams at the start of the fail year, what was possible garage life that was later reduced to visiting non-family life, has now all reverted to what it was last year. I've lost the shelters I had, I've lost (some of) the upgrades I was planning. What started as a fail year that looked very hopeful has crumbled to the dust that it's always been. Here I thought this would be the year of change right from the start. While I suppose it may still be the year of change, right now I feel the lowest I think I've ever been during these times, save for maybe the days I didn't have money for food or gas.

Week 110

Day 764 - 8/4 - A tale of a kitty

Once upon a time, it must have been about three to four years ago now, at the ex-house we had a stray cat visiting us. She was mostly white in color with blue eyes, frail, and scared. She always hid under this one bush. After seeing her a few times she let me get close enough to properly say hello. I noticed she had sad goop filled eyes and was even more frail than I thought. I took out some food and water for her to eat. I couldn't pet her those first few days, she still didn't know if she could trust me or the others at the ex-house. Over times that I sat and talked to her she grew to trust me and let me pet her. She was hardly eating anything, and when I did see her try she had great difficulty. She even let me clean out her eyes now and then. I couldn't feel much of her though, she was so terribly thin. My ex-roomie and I talked about her and how worried we were about her. She had no collar and our bush seemed the only place she trusted. We couldn't bring her inside the house due to other cats being there, but we watched and cared for her as best we could. A few times every day I would go out and sit with her for as long as an hour. After I think it was about a week total since she'd been there and was hardly eating my ex-roomie finally took her to the animal doctor. I had a class or work so I couldn't go along. Apparently the poor kitty had been in the final stages of kitty AIDS and several of her systems had been failing. The doctor said she must have been in a great deal of pain much of the time. All they could do for her was to put her to sleep. It was far too late. I've cried for her now and then, but I'll never forget her soft tentative purr when I pet her and comforted her those last days. I've always been glad she had people who cared for and loved her in those final days. I don't think I'll ever forget her.

I guess, even though I've been feeling less sad lately, I've been feeling a lot like her these days. I'm hiding in bushes not knowing who to trust or where to go, just looking for a safe haven from the cold and the rain. (Though it's not raining now it was when the kitty was there.) I have noone who loves me and no home of my own. I don't know how long it will be before I do.

It may seem silly to be spending so much time researching iPhone games, games in general, wishing I could play StarCraft 2 and other new games, plus my old ones, looking at 3D home entertainment tech; and people may give me crap about it, but these things are me. When someone says, 'Oh, rabb1t is a gamer, he likes girls, he likes to help, he's generous and compassionate, he's good at x,' these are things that make me who I am. Much like I can say the kitty was gentle, kind, loving, trusting, and friendly, I hope when I too am gone people can say things about me, and remember me fondly in a way that permanently touched their lives.

Although I hope I have my remaining estimated nearly 50 years left, I often feel like the kitty. I feel alone, scared, without shelter, don't know who to really trust, and wonder if I will ever find a place I belong again, or if I will simply be alone in pain until I fade away from something I can't understand.

Day 765 - 8/5 - Possibly studying depression

It's around 5:30. I guess today was ok, but I still feel super down about my sad life. It really doesn't occur to people how often they talk about home and where they live until they can't say they live anywhere. Being homeless isn't a fact you want to reveal; that core thing you lack that everyone else just about in the world has. The one thing everyone else assumes you have - a home. A place of your own. A place where you have your stuff and are free to express what makes you you.

I'm so very tired today. I only got about 6 or 7 hours of sleep. I probably should have taken a nap in the library like I did yesterday or Tuesday, whenever it was. I'm so tired I can't even remember. I wasn't really tired after my mini work shift this morning though. I didn't really get hit with it until after I'd eaten, around 2 I guess.

I found three cars in my lower range to write to today. No reply from any yet. I didn't really expect a reply though since I'm not saying I will shower money down upon them no questions asked and magically appear at their door anytime they wish. But then, while I do really need a car, none of the three made my heart sing. I'd really need closer to 2k for that, so it's going to be tough to find one that does. But, you never know. With the ghost's money I'd have closer to $1,200, and next week I get paid and would have around $1,400, so my range will keep slowly adding up.

I have to spend like 4 hours doing pre-screening stuff tomorrow. I won't get paid for any of it. Though I do possibly qualify for a second study that would pay me $350, so that would be something.

That's really it. Yet another day of unsuccessfully moving my life forward.

Day 766 - 8/6 - Testing

It's work time now, nearing 4:30. Ever since this morning I've been going. I hopped on a bus around 7:30, got to Stanford around 8:45, answered screening questions and stuff until about 2:30, and got to my first work location a touch ahead of my shift at just past 3:30. I only had a few brief minutes to check teh Internets and check email. I guess it looks like I could possibly qualify for two studies over the next three months, the first of which being in a month. That would total around $500 if I passed through all the phases. I r teh guiney pig!

The gray ghost may not make it tonight, I'm not really sure. If not we will try and hook up this weekend. Nothing going on with car replies, so I guess it's ok that it's not tonight. Well, one did reply, but they are going to be doing an online auction for the car, which just seems too weird for me.

And that's really it. The rest of night will be at work. I've got a couple of movies, so that's happy. But since I couldn't really get online, and won't be able to until the morning, my life is on hold.

Oh, I did get a chance to check my weight and I am probably about 12 lbs. heavier being in the low 190s. And apparently my blood pressure is quite a bit up. I'm hoping that's just from stress of walking, terrible eating, no car, and my recent super depression making me feel not at all hungry lately. My arms have been feeling like they fall asleep easily lately, and I do seem to fatigue much quicker, so it likely is just a symptom of everything terrible in the past few weeks. Once I go back for the studies (should I go back) they will be monitoring it to see if I should get blood pressure meds. Oh, and two doctorate level peeps did agree that my getting booted out of a masters with a 2.9875 GPA is just insane, so that made me feel good.

Guess that's all for now.

Day 767 - 8/7 - Questing with the gray ghost

I almost got a car today. The opportunity was there. The cash was in hand. But I'm getting a bit ahead of myself. The day started like any other; no replies for cars, but before long I'd put out emails on three different ads. Surprisingly one called back and said the car was still for sale. And this wasn't just any car. It was a cute little tracker, with a hardtop no less. The price seemed cheap at $1,000 and the pictures looked good. The car was a salvaged title, but only because it had been hit by someone and had body damage. The gray ghost got a hold of me at just past noon. He said he could indeed drive me up to check it out. He got to the area around 2:30 and we spent the next 45 minutes to an hour driving up to the city (San Francisco) to check it out. Driving the car was fine. There was no engine damage and it was one of the straightest driving cars I've ever driven. However, its body damage was fairly extensive in terms of what it would take to repair. While it would have served the way it was the doors were jarred from the crash. They didn't seal with the roof. You couldn't hear anything but wind past about 40 MPH. The back bumper was smashed to a bad angle, and the rear door was smashed to the point that it could not open. My heart sank thinking of the damage. I didn't realize there was no picture of the back door area until after we'd started our way up. While I'd have loved to buy the car I couldn't help but think and remember the sad times with my previous geo trackers. One good rain and its interior would be destroyed, just like my last. Driving at night, or sitting parked during the cold night, even though it's a hardtop would have been freezing due to the misaligned doors. And what if, Gods forbid, the welding holding the door had broken and the door fell off? I'd have no way to repair it. While the owner said he'd keep it and I could call him at a later point I just can't take it. I have no way to fix the damage, and I'm afraid from too many bad memories of similar damage to want to risk buying it.

While it turns out the gray ghost and I simply completed a quest step together, not an entire quest chain, it was still good to be with him again. It's been forever since we actually did something together. He was glad to help and we both still have hopes that my extended search range will find something soon. By Thursday my range will reach as high as $1,500, so that will help with my searches for sure. It will just remain in Fate's hands as to when I find a car in my range.

Day 768 - 8/8 - Slow day of walking and bussing

Not sure what to say today. I'm super sleepy and today has mostly been walking, bussing, and working. I did spend almost two hours on the Internet, but that's all so far. It's still earlyish at around 4:30. There was a car add I sent an email to. It's a super happy car for me, but it would completely tap me out and then some. Since I'd have to wait until Thursday to have as much as the guy wants I doubt I'll hear back from him.

Guess that's all for now.

Day 769 - 8/9 - Sleepy nap time

Nothing spectacular today. Though I will have worked about 8 hours total I had plenty of opportunities to check for cars today. As usual, nothing really in my price range.

I was so sleepy today I decided to come to my evening work a bit early. I got almost an hour nap. I feel a bit better, but I'm still so very sleepy. I'll jump in the shower in a bit. Maybe that will wake me up a little. I'm going to be super bored during my evening shift though. With no car it's difficult to grab movies to watch before hand; both in that it's a pain to get them and drop them off, and that if I wait until it's more convenient I have to keep them an extra charge cycle or two. It's not terrible at $1.10 each per day, but still.

Well, I keep holding on to hope that I'll find a car I like that's pretty cheap soon and I can be back on the road as usual. At least going back to my previous homeless routine would be something. And, once I get the car taken care of I can move forward with the iPhone upgrade and have several casual games to play for teh cheap. With all the study money I could get I'd be right on the edge of a gaming laptop, but I probably couldn't safely afford it. I really want to get a minimum of about $500 into savings, which I'd have done if things went according to plan. But now, even with all $500+ from the studies I'd have to drain to zero to get the laptop (provided the car is $1200 or less.) I guess we'll see. Maybe a lower cost car, gift money from my birthday and Xmas will boost me enough to feel safer about an upgrade. My life is still very much one day and one issue at a time right now. I can't really make solid plans for anything with all the chaotic poop that keeps throwing me off.

Day 770 - 8/10 - Oh noes blackout

I got a very sad surprise at school today. It seems that, as of last week, we are in blackout. So I have no idea when you guys will get to get an update. (Edit: It seems that I can update from pizza nom! ) It's somewhat confusing though as the smaller side room next to the main cafeteria area is still open. Also, there appeared to still be classes going, at least swimming, so I'm not sure what's up. There was a sign on the library doors that said it's now closed until September 20th. The area around the library and cafeteria still have wireless access, so I still have access to teh Internets (which block uploads and gaming - I can only sneak updates to my site via landline at school.) And, it looks like I still have access to an eating area with a micro, as well as showers. I guess I may still go there on some days, as it would give me lots of privacy since noone is hardly there.

I have a lead on a car for teh cheap that I may look at tomorrow. It looks ok I guess - not my favorite style. The guy says it's ok mechanically and the body looks ok in the pictures. Maybe. We'll see. He has to get back to me with an address.

I decided since I didn't want to spend all day on campus after work (since it was closed) that I'd come back to my main hub area and have all I can nom pizza. My tummy has been very upset and unstable the past week or two, but last night it was fine. Hopefully it will be ok today. It's been fine so far. I figure I can have lots of salad and that will help. It's been forever since I had fresh veggies what with being dropped back on the street with no car.

I've been feeling super lonely lately. I suppose I'm "talking" the same as any other days. I say that in quotes as it's not really talking or contact with live people. I talk through boards and such. But I don't know. Lately I've felt extra lonely and disconnected from society and everyone. I guess it's just a combination of losing my connection to the not-family, C&H, and not being able to see my game peeps. I'm still reconsidering reactivating my WoW account even though I'd be suffering at 4-15 FPS. I'm still on the fence about it since it's such a limited gaming experience as well as not seeing a strong connection at the mall where I used to play.

Guess that's all for today. One reply on a car, I think that was the only car I asked about, and I put out one resume.

I'm cold in here. You'd think it would be warmer in a restaurant. I've been so very cold lately, seemingly all the time wherever I go.

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