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Epic Fail: The Journal of a Homeless Gamer
Book 3: oh noes

This is my journal I wrote during the time I was homeless. It is broken up by week for easier reading. Feel free to read it on the web or download the complete .pdf version and print it for reading offline.

Week 147

Day 1023 - 4/20 - Still no doctor

Still no doctor this morning. My appointment for Monday morning will stand. Hopefully I'll be ok. My blood pressure was a touch better this morning, so hopefully I'll be fine for the next week.

The meeting with the school people was ok. I guess we were supposed to be meeting anyways and did not actually have the evening off. Hopefully the project will work out ok. I'm more of an organizer and these things always turn into micro managing small parts, which I'm not into.

The day was kinda bleh outside of that. I couldn't do anything I wanted at school because the connection speed was total poo. Oh, I did help people with computer stuff, so that was fun.

I guess that's really it for today and the start of this fail week.

Day 1024 - 4/21 - Message from the ghost

I got a message from the gray ghost today. He mentioned his bad blood pressure and that he had a certain medicine that helps a lot. I'll mention it to the doctor when I see her Monday.

I had an ok day most of today. I did my online work for my friend and figured out an issue that was happening, so that was good. I didn't get to watch my shows though as that took most of my time on campus. The rest was taken up by absurdly slow speeds slowing everything down.

In the evening I played for a bit. I got to do a super fancy dungeon and we did awesome for having never done that one before. I feel pretty good about that though I still wonder how much the game will hold my long-term interest, as it only has about half a dozen dungeons. Plus, of my nearly 5 hours spent online, only 2 of that was with a group, the rest I spent alone. I was literally about 15 minutes from leaving due to boredom when I got the group call.

No job potential for today, but people around me seemed smiley and friendly, so that's put me in a better mood.

Day 1025 - 4/22 - Pretty good day

Today turned out to be a pretty good day. I slept in at school. After I took the car to get the $75 coolant flush. It seems to be running... smoother is probably the best way to describe it. Though 'as if it were previously congested with a cold and now isn't' sounds more accurate to how it feels. After that I played my game a fair bit and had a pretty good time. Work went smooth, as expected, and I got to play a fair bit from there. I started on podcast 12 and rambled for nearly 20 minutes for the first section. That's nearly as long as a whole podcast!

I feel pretty good about things. Though, I suppose outside of my work on another podcast nothing has really changed.

Day 1026 - 4/23 - Pre-Easter

Nothing really special today. I had an ok time with my game and started to work on something for the guild. It's a flash animation of how to fight a dungeon boss. It's pretty fun. I has a flavor, so it's silly but serious. I haven't worked with flash in a while. I really need a new version. The one I have is like 10 years old, which just boggles my mind.

Getting excited for Easter tomorrow even though I just have a few candies that I got for myself. Hope everyone has/had a good Easter.

Day 1027 - 4/24 - Bunnah day

Today was pretty good I suppose. I didn't get to sleep in at school, so that was sad. People in guild were saying happy Easter, but only a few talked about what they were doing or did. It seemed unusually quiet in that regard.

I had an ok time at work for a few hours. Most of the place was empty so I just hopped into the shower, played my game, and ate the bunny day candies I set aside for myself.

Hope everyone had a good bunnah day.

Day 1028 - 4/25 - Still no visit

Again the doctor was out this morning, so again my appointment got postponed. We decided to stop waiting though and set an appointment with the higher nurse for tomorrow morning. She can prescribe meds too, so as long as I get something I think that will help. I'm holding at 150/100, so that's pretty bad compared to my like 135/85 that I got down to with the prescription meds.

That was really it for today. I watched a couple of shows to try and get caught up. I'm at like 18 to watch now, so I'm really behind. That week or so off really threw me off my regular schedule.

Speaking of which, I'll be working all day Sunday, like 11 hours. That will get me a sizeable amount of "extra" monies, but it will be weird working for that long. Still, I don't do much but sit and play my games, do homework, or watch movies, so it's not like actual work. It's still so weird to basically be paid to make sure noone messes up a building.

That's really it for today. I'm sad about Portal 2. It keeps crashing on the level I'm on and I don't know why, so I can't get any further in the game. It might be a driver issue, but being on a laptop I don't know if it's one I can update.

Well, hopefully there will be good news tomorrow after my appointment.

Day 1029 - 4/26 - Impending poking

My appointment with the higher nurse went ok I guess. She didn't seem to think my diet was too terrible all things considered, though she did give me poo poo face about not wanting to do walking for exercise. With my flat feet more than very short distances become painful, so no, I really don't want to take up walking around the gym when I'm at work for 10 minutes three times during the shift. I should be fine once I'm back on the meds I had. She did seem puzzled by the symptome I described, about how my heart gets oddly fluttery. She said that's not one of the symptoms that the meds should cause. She does want to do blood work, so there are impending pokings but she said that it should only be for a few seconds, so it shouldn't hurt too much. Last time they stuck me with one of those interchangeable needles and left it in there for like 5 minutes while they did 3-4 different samples.

I posted podcast 12 and that's going a bit funny in iTunes. It seems fine through my site or by the rss feed, but iTunes is doing one of its crazy things. It took about 7 hours for it to even show up, as opposed to its normal instant appearance, not all of the data fields are showing up, and it seems to have forgotten about podcast 11. Knowing iTunes can be dumb I'll give it until the end of the week before I worry about it too much. I do still remember those early days where it was taking 48+ hours for data to show up correctly. People can get it, so it should be fully corrected soon.

I guess that's it for this week. Hopefully soon I can get my meds and get my blood pressure back on track and be feeling better.

Week 148

Day 1030 - 4/27 - The poking and the chicken nuggets

Today I got poked in the morning. It went ok and didn't hurt. I guess the secret is to drink "a lot" of water to stay hydrated, which can foof up your veins. I drank maybe 10 oz right before the appointment. I don't know if that's "a lot", if the guy who poked me was better than the last guy, but it went fine.

During lunch I noticed someone left some chicken nuggets after they left at a table next to me. I'd already eaten, so I collected them for later. As Fate would have it I wound up giving them away to someone I'd seen in a midnight launch line a few years ago. I don't think she remembers me, heck it took a while for me to place where I knew her from. She's a regular in the side room next to the cafeteria. She was there telling her friends how she hadn't eaten since last night, had no money until the next day when she was paid, and was super hungry. I was appalled at noone offering to buy her lunch. By the time she'd told a third person I held the plate up to their group that had the chicken nuggets. Sadly one fell off as I moved it. But I was like, 'here, eat something. ' She gave me a nice hug against me as I sat there. It was surprising. She's cute, but not really my type in personality. She's loud and constantly talking. It seemed so unfamiliar to be hugged, particularly since it seemed like a genuine thank you for caring. I don't know if her friends are normally that clueless or if she's just not used to being taken care of, but it was nice to get a sincere thank you. I mean I know the people I help with my site, and maybe now entertain with my podcasts, do appreciate what I do, but it is rare to be genuinely thanked, even more so for someone to interact with me outside of class.

I'll go get my meds in the afternoon tomorrow. The nurse wanted me to hold off until after the test just in case she saw results that may indicate a conflict with the drug. I'd taken it before so I don't see why it would be bad, but she said it was basically required as part of the prescription procedure. She did say that most people have to take it the rest of their life, so that made me sad. I don't know that it is entirely the fault of being homeless. Looking back there were maybe some early signs as far back as maybe a year or two before I was homeless, so it's probaly a combinaion of age and homelessness. If I weren't.. well, so much could be helped. I could rest better, eat better, be in a happy mood to at least do a little exercise, not to mention the other benefits of better mood like enjoying things more and laughing.

Anyways... as always, my life is what it is, and it seems it's changes are in Fate's hands.

Day 1031 - 4/28 - A bad night

Tonight was a bad night. The day started out pretty good though. I slept in, yet woke up earlier than usual at 9:45. I went over to get my prescription filled and was back on campus by 10:30. I watched a few shows, I got an email from the guldie that's been reading Epic Fail and listening to the podcasts and she said she and her guy loved 11. But after that my day went to poop. I was going to do homework, but the book I need was not on reserve at the library like the professor said it would be. My podcast 11 still hasn't shown back up on iTunes. And in my evening class the professor basically put me down indirectly by saying 'this student' and singled me out for something she praised just one class before.

Tonight is one of those nights where I feel like I should just give up. I'm so tired of it all. I'm so tired of "needing" to do things I'm no longer interested in. I'm so tired of needing to be in classes. I'm so tired of not feeling like I'm happy with where my career is going (particularly since I have no real career.) The like 5 minutes I spent helping a guildie do a system build was the only satisfying part of my day where I really felt productive and helpful. (The other guildie saying they liked my podcast was good too, but that's something I do for a larger audience, and is different from individual / direct helping.) Tonight is one of those nights that I don't understand why I don't have a job that pays me enough that I don't have to take these classes and that I can enjoy my evening to myself, for games or shows, or with friends or a sweetie if I chose.

Tonight I feel as if I were the only one in the middle of a museum display of video and sound that never stop. I feel as if I am alone, isolated, and that the room is not, in fact, a museum exhibit, but a personal cell that I can't leave.

Day 1032 - 4/29 - Suddenly feel sick

Today was pretty good. I slept in, yet got up earlier than normal. I played some games for a bit at school, then left campus to play my game for a bit before work. I had some good groups with some nice (non-guild) people for a change. And I had a good group with the guild too, so I felt like I contributed a bit today. I had a good work shift and got started on podcast 13.

Though now I'm suddenly starting to feel sick. I've had a pretty bad headache and sneezing, so maybe I actually am sick again. I did have tomato veggie soup for lunch, as well as something with tomato sauce for dinner, so that could be it too. I have this thing where if I have tomato sauce sometimes my gut hurts. I don't know how to describe it other than as if I "had cramps". It gets really extremely painful I've had lots of cold sauce, but if it gets hot / boiling then cools I'm ok.

Well, whatever it is, hopefully I'll feel fine again in the morning.

Day 1033 - 4/30 - Entering the portal once more

Today was a pretty good day. I didn't sleep in, for some reason I wasn't tired enough, but I did rest in the car. At I think around 10 I went on campus and did a minor site update. I couldn't watch a show because the connection in the area I sit outside the building has been unstable for I can't remember how long. I was there nearly two hours, and of that time I had a connection for maybe 10 minutes. After, I played my game for a bit, then decided to try and do some Portal 2. It downloaded a small patch when it started u, and to my surprise it played without any crashes. I get to play Portal 2 again, yeeeaaa. In the evening I had a small work shift. And now we are here at the hiding time.

It was decidedly warm today. Looking at my temperature app thingy it shows that it should get up to almost 80F by the end of the week. My friend that I do online work for sent me some monies, so I got new shorts with that since the ones I have don't fit anymore.

The drugs are ok, though I do feel a few side effects. I'm pretty hungry and the area around my heart feels... odd. I think I could have a cold, as I've been congested and sneezing a bit.

That's it for today. No job or life progress news as it were.

Day 1034 - 5/1 - Long day is looonnng

Today was pretty good. I got to work super early around 8 and worked until about 7:30. I played a couple of different games and watched a movie. The shift was pretty casual. Well, dual shift I should say as it really was two shifts back-to-back.

But now that it's over, now that things are quieting down in my mind, now that I'm out in a warm, almost hot, evening... it seems very sad. While others are going to or coming from dinner, out and about for different reasons, getting ready to settle in for their evening... I am not. I have nothing to do for the close of the evening. I have no home to return to. I have nowhere to go to relax and make a healthy dinner before going to bed. Now with work over and the evening beginning I'm on the street, alone.

Day 1035 - 5/2 - Stickers or no stickers

I've been deciding if I should get stickers for my new laptop or not. With the netbook there was no hesitation, but with the laptop I wonder. Partly it's because it looks really nice, and I don't want to risk messing up its surface for when I resell it. However, part of my hesitation too is likely because putting stickers on it makes it mine for effectively its life in psychological sense, thus requiring that I accept that I will continue to be homeless for a long enough period that its value is greatly diminished. Thinking about that, part of me wonders if that is not more of a reason to do it, as I am homeless, I do have to have a laptop if I want to game, and that seemingly isn't going to change anytime soon.

My shoulder is getting tweaked. The weight of the bag is doing something to it. I don't know if it is wiggling around and smoothing the surface or if there is a lack of moisture due to the shirt(s) being smashed into it, or a combination of both. The netbook bag was nothing compared to the laptop's weight and I never had this issue.

I helped the guildie who is doing a system build a bit more and I played games quite a bit. I got to sleep in too, and I got up at my earlier time of around 10. I don't know if the meds are helping me sleep, or if it's the warmer weather, but it's nice to be more rested for a change.

Day 1036 - 5/3 - Today is a rest day

Today is a rest day. It's my only weekday that I don't have class or work. I try and relax and not worry about things. I slept in this morning though I couldn't get to sleep last night until pretty late around 2. I played one of my games for a bit on campus, watched a show, and helped the guildie with her system build. I helped someone else too with laptops.

Podcast 13 is about 2/3 done, and I think I'll likely finish on Friday. Those of you reading this real time should keep an eye out for it to show up Saturday by about noon PST. These last couple went pretty quickly at about 10 days each, so that's like a week and a half compared to my targeted two weeks. Hopefully I won't run out of things to say, as there still aren't any comments on them online or emails asking/discussing them. So, I suppose just like everything else in my life right now, I'm basically on my own for doing them.

If I were in a home I'd be in a studying mood now, even though it normally would be a rest day. Part of me thinks I should pass on gaming tonight and do homework stuff, but then I am fairly certain I still don't have the book I need for the one class, and the other I don't think anything is due other than reading, which I can try and do tomorrow before class.

Though there are still several hours in my evening I think I'll close out the week now. I don't expect anything to happen of interest, and I already did the majority of things that would spark change. Looking for jobs still continues to be depressing and makes me feel like I made the wrong choices at the wrong time. The jobs, what few there were, either required degrees I don't have, experience I don't have, or were beyond my scope of knowledge / experience in a field / job I've done before. Even though my podcasts seem awesome (at least to me), I'm 'meeting' new people through the guild in my online game, and I have a system that can do everything I want / need, as the days go on I feel more and more like this is it. Like this is all that will ever be for me. Nothing seems to be moving forward at all. Things that have been seem to simply be recycling. And everyday things in a home life seem long distant memories now, as far off as those from my childhood. I'm beginning to forget what it's like being able to relax and not worry about safety, not worry about meals, not worry about my health, not worry about every single thing in my life which otherwise would require no worry or stress. Even though there are positive, and in some cases new things, in my life. I'm beginning again to feel like that isolated outsider who is not a part of life, but simply an observer looking in.

Comments and stuff Copyright E. Stryker 2008-2011
Pictures for Epic Fail are taken by me. :)

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