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Epic Fail: The Journal of a Homeless Gamer
Book 3: oh noes

This is my journal I wrote during the time I was homeless. It is broken up by week for easier reading. Feel free to read it on the web or download the complete .pdf version and print it for reading offline.

Week 141

Day 981 - 3/9 - A dragon's age

Today was supposed to be a partial day of playing Dragon's Age 2, but for some reason the shipment didn't come until much later than expected. I spent the evening playing Rift and tanking for the guild.

I've been playing phone tag with the blood pressure place. I think I've called on three different days now to try and get an appointment. I'll probably have to start calling several times a day or something, which will be annoying.

Nothing else new today. Dragon Age 2 and BioShock 2 were the big news, neither of which can complete installation, as I need an active Internet connection, which I don't currently have.

My teacher was super nice to me last night. We talked for a bit about my sad life and she said she's both amazed at my strength to survive it, but also very sad that I'm going through it. We talked about my writing Epic Fail and she's glad that I've helped some people with my sad story.

That's really all for today. As always, I hope tomorrow will be a better day for everyone who is having troubling times.

Day 982 - 3/10 - Dazed days

Today I was kind of in a daze again. I slept really deep the past couple of times I've slept in on campus. This morning when I woke up I'd been so deeply asleep that my muscles had a hard time moving me because my head seemed so heavy. I also got about 10 hours of sleep the past few days. Again, it's distressed car sleep, so it's likely worth less than 6 hours of bed sleep. But still, that typically means that I have a cold. I have been sneezing lately, so there is that too.

Nothing really to talk about today. I slept pretty late, messed around a bit, did homework and other stuff for a bit, then had class. I did help someone a bit with a PC build, so that was new. And they seemed thankful, so that's always good in that it makes me feel helpful.

Guess that's it for today.

Day 983 - 3/11 - Not accomplishments

It felt like I didn't accomplish anything today. I didn't really do much though. Some daily routines was all really, sprinkled generously with playing my games.

I did discover something very depressing though. The BioWare downloadable content checker seems unable to pull the bandwidth necessary to check for any of my game, or is blocked by firewall, meaning no downloadable content I've already gotten, am entitled to, or could purchase in the future, will ever be playable. It just can't verify my account on the server. Another sad fact of homeless life and playing in the wild I guess. I suppose it's not an entire loss, but still. I have several items on downloadable content and not being able to use them makes me a sad bunny.

I got compliments tanking for my guild again, which is good. Makes me happy that I at least have that. Though, due to lag drops the group did wipe twice. So that makes me feel terrible. But then, it's that or not play sometimes, which would be more sad.

I'm finally able to keep up with at least some current games, as well as play my old ones. At least that is something.

Day 984 - 3/12 - My role

Today was pretty good. Most of the dayI played my game and tried not to worry about school things coming due that I would have difficulty doing on the weekend.

I was in my online game much of the day, but didn't do a whole lot with the guild. For some reason we didn't do much together. I think it was due to the level spacing.

I thought a lot about my role in the game today, as well as in Dragon Age 2. I'm very happy as a Paladin in my online game, but it's terribly slow to do quests in a tanking build. Though I don't really like any other. I've tried probably over a dozen other mixes and I don't like any nearly as much as I do full Paladin. The problem is that it has strengths and weaknesses, and much of its strengths don't get used outside of in a defensive manner. It made me think about my own life, how my strengths aren't used or recognized in the working world. Try as I might to change my classes in the game to suit my style, my style and what I enjoy are what they are. Nothing else fits. Much like seemingly my own life, what I like and what I'm good at are what they are, and nothing else seems to be a good fit. There certainly don't seem to be any jobs out there suited to my true strengths. At least none hiring someone like me (someone without professionally verifiable experience). Much like the game classes, I fear all I can do is keep waiting until a new opportunity comes along, new possibilities for a fit. And despite my sadness about... my way... it is what it is, and I should be happy that I know what it is that I'm good at; even if it seems the world, for the most part, doesn't value that.

Day 985 - 3/13 - Don't know anymore

Today was sad. I played my game quite a bit, so that was good. I did a couple of runs as tank for the guild, so that was fun. But there were so many things I wanted to do that I couldn't. So many things talked about that are things I don't have. My life can't continue like this. It's too sad. But I'm doing everything I can to change it. I am really beginning to think it's out of my power to change, that change will only come with real outside help. Sadly, noone seems willing or able to help me get back into a home and find a better job so that my life can be back on track. And I'm beginning to doubt that will ever change.

Day 986 - 3/14 - Another sad day

Another sad day with happyish overtones. Today started out with what was an attempt to get up early to do some things I needed to do. One important thing I couldn't do because I wasn't allowed to until a time that I wouldn't be able to. (Sign up for next quarter classes.) Another I did, which was good. But one school project I completely forgot about, which just puts me short on time for it. And another I have due tomorrow that I couldn't get in the mood to do. I couldn't focus mentally, and even physically. My contacts are so old now they are starting to have blurry days. I ordered new ones, so that should be fixed by the weekend. Work messed up my time card though and I'm short $125+. I don't know how I'll manage without it. There really aren't bills I can postpone for another one and a half weeks, as I only have bills rarely.

I tried to play my game, but it still pretty much just fails every time from school. And work was too laggy to stay connected. One person was kind of joking about my lag. It isn't something that's an issue for normal people. He didn't know that I'm homeless and have to play from free connections. It's ok. I'm used to it - both people not knowing and not connecting when I want to. It is just another facet of my limited life. As sad as they are, they are, and I cannot change that.

Day 987 - 3/15 - Getting things done

Today I did some stuff I needed to do. I got a paper done that's due tonight. I signed up for next quarter. I did some 3x5s for a test on Thursday. I updated my site a bit. I tried to play for a little bit, but as always, I got that error that blocks me from playing nearly every time I try from school.

Today I feel very bleh. Work still hasn't gotten back to me on if they can get me the missing money, which I doubt they will. I don't see any new job prospects despite widening my search a bit. Nothing new has really come up that was unexpected. My health still seems bad. The sky is cloudy and gray and sprinkling off and on. And while I always hope things will turn out ok for me, I still feel very sad that things don't seem to be getting any better.

Week 142

Day 988 - 3/16 - No friend work

Today was the same as all the others. Of course it was more stressful due to work shorting me money. I tried to do the work for my friend that I do online, but it wasn't working. The site was giving me some weird error. So I just played my game for a bit. I did another extended job search. I did find one job to apply to, so I guess that's something in these terrible times.

Not much of a day, but I suppose things at least didn't get any worse for me.

Day 989 - 3/17 - Irish day

Today was just another day. Well, I had a test, which I think went ok. Other than that it was a pretty regular day. There was the typical struggle with school to let me in to my online game. There was the typical sadness at seeing cuties and being single. There was the typical sadness at seeing people being friendly on campus and having no friends.

It's Saint Patrick's Day and people are out drinking. I don't drink, but I do have some Irish. I guess in terms of percent I may be 15-25%? I get half of my racial background from my mom, because she's full, but my dad has mixed European of Irish, German, and some others. I've never wanted to celebrate with drinking, but it would be nice to have friends to invite over for games and stuff.

I love redhead girlies. I've never had much luck finding one though. I think the first was in high school. I totally loved her, but she wasn't interested, so that probably just counts as a crush. Then in college there were a few others I had a crush on that never really paid attention to me. Fey redheads (that's what I call the type I like, who are thin, and often have blue or other light color eyes) are very rare. I think I've only met about five in my whole life.

Anyways... happy Saint Patrick's Day everybody. I hope everyone had a fun and safe night.

Day 990 - 3/18 - Dying mouse

I think it was yesterday my mouse started dying. It's gotten really bad. Today when I was playing my games, for probably the better part of an hour, almost every 5 minutes the mouse would disconnect then reconnect. Nothing seems to stop it. It seems completely random. I did plan to get a new one in a few months, as this one is about 6 years old and carrying it in my bag all the time has really taken a toll on it. But it's annoying that it's happened now. I've got maybe $20 in my account and $35 in savings, but all of it is spoken for by food and gas before I get paid again late next week.

I suppose the day could have been worse, but that, errors from my game log-in about my IP, a 50 meg patch that took 2.5 hours to download because I only had access to slow wireless speeds... it all seems like everything about today has just been a reminder of how sad and limited my homeless life is.

Day 991 - 3/19 - Dead mouse, pouring rain, falling pants

My mouse completely died today. It was connecting and disconnecting literally every 15 seconds. I couldn't stand it. I took out what I could from savings and it was just enough to get a new one. It's tiny and cute, and it is wireless with a transmitter/receiver that I just leave plugged in to the laptop. So I don't have to worry about wearing out the mouse port or any parts on my system.

It's pouring rain today. I was ok with it earlier when I was inside playing my games. But now, hiding at night, the rain pouring down, no heat, my hands and feet pretty cold because there is no warmth of a home to surround me... now it's tough to fight off the sadness and depression.

My bigger pants that I got are now too big. I guess I've lost a bit of weight, which is great but now the new pants are continually falling down when I walk. Grrr. Well, maybe the old ones won't be quite as tight anymore.

I'm very super homesick lately, but I've no home, only the memory of what was.

Day 992 - 3/20 - Raining and not raining

It's not raining now, but it's been pourng off and on all day. It's consistently been super cold though. Everywhere I travel has been cold as well. Nowhere public warms their place like private homes. Back in the day a coffee shop was warm and inviting. They were open until midnight or later. People came and went, people gathered, there were bands or poetry readings. Now it's all about cold display cases where the air blows out into the room.

I think that will always be the thing I miss most, and the thing I will likely never forget once I am in a home again. You simply can't imagine what it's like to be cold all the time (outside of a few weeks during the summer). Maybe someone who works in a restaurant who goes in and out of a fridge all day can, or those who live in places it snows who don't turn up the heat in their home. But if you haven't experienced it, let me tell you, never getting to "come in out of the cold" to truly warm up... it's terrible.

Day 993 - 3/21 - Nine

I finished podcast nine tonight. I'm happy it's ready to go out to the masses. Hopefully people enjoy it or it brightens otherwise dark times.

Noting else really different for today. It was just another day I should have done homework, but was in too sad of a mood to do.

Day 994 - 3/22 - Textbook buyback

Once upon a time textbook buyback meant something; a step forward for change, a break on the way, a new beginning on the horizon. Now it means nothing to me. I have no books to sell back. I can't afford them. I have no added flexibility to my schedule. I have no change in my routine. My day is just a day, like any other.

Comments and stuff Copyright E. Stryker 2008-2011
Pictures for Epic Fail are taken by me. :)

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