Day 897 - 12/15 - Dwindling monies
I'm pretty sad today. It's chilly and the rain clouds are still here. I got to sleep in this morning on campus, so that's good. Part was open so I went in for a few hours.
I got the present a peep sent. Is a happy thing. I don't know what it is. It could be a game or movie, but it seems a touch too small for that. If it were I couldn't use it until my life gets upgraded. I got a donation from a cutie to put towards my laptop savings, so that was good too.
Checking my money today there seems to be some weirdness. It seems some money is missing and unaccounted for. I'm hoping it's just some money in limbo that isn't showing up and it will reappear, but my laptop savings is currently at half what it was at its high point. Things seem to keep nibbling away at it and I'm now $400-550 from getting a system... if it survives reductions that are happening at work.
There are positive happy things in my life, and I'm trying hard to focus on them, but so many things keep happening that knock me back down. I just don't get why it seems I get knocked back down every time I progress towards something positive.
Day 898 - 12/16 - Legacy
I guess I'm ok. I'm still very sad about my life, but there are happy things. So I'm happy, hopeful, but sad because things are what they are.
After work I'm off to see Tron Legacy at midnight, woot! I've waited forever for this sequel and it's gonna pwn.
I guess tomorrow will be what it is. Happy or sad I have to survive my days one at a time.
So awesome a movie. It was new school, and old school, and yet retained the same timeless quality the original had. I was sad when it was over and I heard people complaining that it didn't do this or that like the original. They don't get it. Legacy is about life, love, and realizing the miracle that is both in front of you and hidden just beyond your understanding.
I was sad to be alone. Everyone else had a sweetie and/or friends. Not having someone to share it with - particularly considering what the movie is about - well, that just made my solitude seem even sader. I suppose though it's better to have been alone than with someone who wouldn't have gotten it or appreciated it.
Like Kevin Flynn, I'm trapped in my life as it is. I'll have to use what power I have to shape the world as best as I can. Maybe someday, like Sam, my Quorra will come along to rescue me.
Day 899 - 12/17 - Almost forgot
Don't know what to write. I almost forgot. Nothing new today really. I spent much of the day watching shows. Six appeared in my queue this morning and I watched four. That was about it. I helped on boards and did a job search, but nothing else new or different happened.
I did not play my game. I wasn't in the mood to face 5-15 FPS. Though seeing friends is great, the slow struggling speeds kills me. And it seems most people aren't around anymore. I see maybe one or two I know when I play. There would be more new friends in the alpha/beta I can't play. But... my life is what it is. I can continue to try to change it, but it is not up to me to be changed.
Day 900 - 12/18 - Feeling alone
I suppose today was good and bad. I felt alone and isolated most of the day, and as always, sad about my life. I did help out several people on the boards, some of which in closed test areas, so it's good I'm there. I don't mean to sound egotistical or anything, it's just there are so few that have my level of knowledge and are as careful in replies. It's possible that those I helped would have been "fine" had I not answered their question and it remained unanswered, or possibly someone else may have eventually answered, but I am glad to be able to help people. I'm glad to have the freedom and a calm enough mental state and to be able to help. As I've always said, if I had enough money to not worry about working I think I could be even more helpful. I could amass even more knowledge through conventions and more games. I could have test systems of different power levels to verify what I think and walk that line of ultimate value recommendations even more. I could be warm and happy all the time, both physically and emotionally, being in even a better mood to help sooner and more often.
But... that is all wishing and hoping. Whatever it is the gods have planned for me I'm doing the best that I can to stay positive, stable, and healthy. Being able to help... it is enough, but I do hope I can have more than this. I do hope one day to have a home, a sweetie, friends, and a regular life again.
Day 901 - 12/19 - To be by the fire
I'm not sure what to say today. I guess things weren't all bad. I played my game and had as much fun as I could after working for a bit. Before work I slept in at school. There were a good number of people so I felt safe. While not a whole work shift I got 2.5 hours covering for someone, so that's a little something that helps make up for the hours that have disappeared lately.
I want to be by the fire though; to have slept in a bed, to be drinking hot chocolate, to be watching shows lounging on the couch, to be playing games I only play on rare occasion, to have friends visit briefly to say hi and exchange gifts. But I can't. That isn't my life. As much as I've wished it to be it never has been. My life has always been... different. My path has always been the rare one; the one noone has lived, but that they heard about (in a bad way). The life people should avoid, yet I can't seem to get out of.
There are good things. There have been good times. My experience and knowledge do bring answers and peace to others. But peace for myself, that seems to have eluded me most of my life. I've always seemingly had worry and stress in some form. Now it is at an all time high, constantly pressing against and breaking my heart. My heart now is always sad and heavy.
I think back to sunny warm days, days of laughter with friends when I was not so troubled. When I could play games, old, new, and just discovered. When the future seemed distant, but unattained and full of wonder.
I wonder if this is the beginning of the end. My paths seem closed in life. My struggle, while not getting truly worse, constantly slowly decays around me. I wonder if the ache in my chest really is a broken heart, not just emotionally and spiritually but physically. I wonder if some day soon my broken heart will end me, and if anyone beyond my circle who follow my site and words will even notice that I'm gone.
Day 902 - 12/20 - Brrrrrrrrrr
I suppose today has been a "good" day so far. It's early evening, not quite time for an early dinner. I was pleasantly surprised by school still being openish. I got to sleep in and spent several hours doing stuff and being online. It wasn't raining today, but it was super chilly and windy.
I think I like to do my hobby stuff because it's like I can virtually live through others as they craft their systems. Even when I had some money I could only rarely afford a new part every other year. I suppose though with plenty of money I'd have several builds and be upgrading all the time and still be helping, likely even more so because with higher flexibility I could have greater hands-on experience and create even more examples (such as doing build guide videos). I would probably even have give aways now and then of the "old" stuff.
That's really it for my day. I've got some Order of the Stick sigs that I'm working on for people on the boards, and a few shows to watch, but that's really it for the night.
I wish I could do more with my life. I wish I could give more. Unfortunately my limitations prevent me from doing so many things I'd like - not just things for me, but things for others too.
As always, all I can do is keep waiting and keep hoping my life gets better.
Day 903 - 12/21 - Recognized and welcome
I'm pretty sad today, as usual these days. I slept in at school pretty late. It was a cloudy day but it didn't start raining until just recently now at all I can nom pizza night. When I got to campus one of the janitors made a joke about the spot I stay at being 'my office', heh. When it got pretty late in the evening, just before 5, someone had started vacuuming and I started to pack up and she said I didn't have to leave yet. It was ok because I was going to pizza anyways. Normally I have class or work and can't come. I can't remember the last time I could. On the way I stopped at the pool side of campus. There was a swim meet or something, so the showers were hot. When I got here for nom a few people recognized me and said hey. I'm surprised the staff changes so little here. I guess it's due to so few jobs everywhere. I was expecting to watch more shows or play my game, but there appears to be no wireless signal. Their router must be off or no longer allowing wireless. Also, for some reason my phone can't see any signal either. I'll probably nom a bit more then leave. I've already nommed quite a bit, so more may be risky.
Nothing new or different today; just my increasing sadness as the world's happiness increases as we approach Xmas. With no friends, family, or even a home by myself, the holidays are a very different time for me than it is for everyone.
Day 904 - 12/22 - The ghost of Xmas past
I saw the ghost today. I don't recall exactly how long it's been, but it was right around my birthday I think. So, a bit over four months? Nothing has really changed in either of our lives, save for his graphics card probably dying. We just had dinner. We didn't hang out too long or anything. He wished he could help more with things, and he gave me $50. I put it into my laptop savings and I'm hoping it can stay there, though things are looking grim. Over the next month I stand to lose everything I have saved, which is all the guild donations. Those unexpectedly lost days at work are really going to kill my budget unless I get extra shifts to cover it or get more gift money to shield it from being lost.
I don't understand why my life is so sad. Yes, I understand it's because I'm not earning enough, obviously, but why not? Others have no problem finding new jobs, certainly not as much trouble as I do. Others have friends willing to put them up in a safe place until they are back on their feet. Others have savings or retirement money they can fall back on. But I have none of that. Sure I'm not the height of charisma, it comes as part of the gamer package, but I'm attractive enough. People say they'd never guess I was homeless too. So why so much trouble finding interviews? Why do I never get replies to my resumes? Where is my "break" - not to be a millionaire, though that'd be nice - but just to be back to "normal".
While everyone excitedly counts down to Xmas I find it will be just another day - not counting the extra hiding that I'll need to do. And not just a day alone in my home, as it otherwise would be if I had one, but another day exiled from society unable to even try to be part of an online society through gaming, as I still haven't gotten a gaming system. (Since my netbook can't see any wireless connection points unless I'm basically sitting right under them there's nowhere I could hide that I could get a signal to play.) My day will be completely alone, hiding in the dark empty places.
Day 905 - 12/23 - As good as it gets
I suppose today is about as good as it gets for me. I got a bit of extra sleep outside of a store this morning. I went and did laundry. I stopped by at work to take a shower. I went to a store and played my game and checked boards. I went to get dinner, then played a bit more. The low specs didn't bother me too much, though I can't help but wonder how beautiful the areas I'm in would be with three monitors at higher or maxed settings. With the flat lowest settings at 1024x600 resolution at 10 FPS more often than not... well, as you can imagine it's pretty terrible.
I did see some people in game who I normally don't, so that was good. And I got word that my not-sis and friend/ex-roomie have small somethings for me for Xmas. And, dad sent some monies. I'm hoping to save them for the laptop but I doubt I can. I just got the schedule for January and yet again a shift is missing. I guess there is a holiday that happens to fall on one of my two days a week that I work during the week. *sigh*
Well, that's all I can really think of. Oh, and it was pretty warm during the day. It was kind of like spring, so that may have had an impact on my mood too. It was really cold last night though, possibly the coldest yet, and now at 10 it's feeling really cold again, so the warmth was likely just a fluke.
Happy Xmas to everyone. I guess that's it for today.
Day 906 - 12/24 - Faux Xmas
It's evening, but not so late. I'm hiding for the night. It was an ok day, but still pretty sad all things considered. All day people were meeting and "being merry" and a few gifts were even exchanged. I sat, all day, outcast to the places people weren't going save in passing.
I got my presents from the not-sis and friend/ex-roomie. I gots monies at Amazon, which I immediately changed to Big Bang Theory season 3, which sadly I can't watch until I have access to a Blu-ray player again. I also got some monies for a car place that should pay for half of an oil change. As always my friend/ex-roomie baked stuff, so I got a chocolate chip bread and fudge to nom. The rabb1t friend/fan gave me Scott Pilgrim vs. The World, which is very lol. It has a Blu-ray and a regular DVD, so I can watch / carry the regular version to watch when I want.
It seems sort of Xmas-like. There were nice presents and I feel "the spirit of Xmas" even though I'm not with the peeps who gave them to me. I suppose that is something pretty special.
Day 907 - 12/25 - Xmas hiding
I'm hiding. It's been a sad day so far, as expected. It is very different to have the lights off and to be somewhere quiet. It is close to my natural environment. My days are always filled with overly bright lights, noise, and motion. It is nice to have peace and quiet for a change.
It's just about 3:30. It's pouring rain and it's pretty cold. The sun hasn't really been out today and it's so gray and dark it looks like it's about 6 or 7 at night.
I suppose I'm thankful to be somewhere warmish, dry, and to have power so I can kill time by watching a few movies. But my life seems so sad and empty knowing all over the globe people are celebrating the holidays with both new and old friends and family, some maybe with ancient relatives, others with brand new babies. Yet here I am, alone, not even able to get online and say hi to people in a game, isolated from the world. I'm used to it though. It doesn't really seem unusually sad, it is just my life.
Day 908 - 12/26 - So sleepy
I'm so sleepy today. I think it's because I didn't nap this morning. I suppose though all in all it's been a good day so far. It's about 2 and it's bright, sunny, and warm. Just yesterday and last night it was pouring rain.
I played my game for a couple of hours, but I'm not sure that I want to play more. I mean if I were in a home, sure. But due to the lower frame rate and lag, I kind of feel like passing on doing more. I actually feel more like going and cleaning out all the WoW page on my site, moving the screen shots to the screenshot page, then getting rid of the page and all the button links. Noone ever goes to the page, and with my waning interest due to not being entirely happy with the spec changes, I think I'll just drop the page since the discussion I posted is becoming less and less useful as time goes on. I'm feeling more and more inclined to make a page for my iPhone backgrounds that I've done, though I don't think I'll make a button for it outside of maybe putting one in the info bar (which does not require a code change on every single page, but that's not viewable to iPhone users, so hum.)
I feel sad still being left out of Xmas and holiday time fun, but that's my life right now, and it has been for quite some time. I suppose in a way it always has been since my mom died when I was 13. Ever since then when dad stopped taking us to her family's house "family" hasn't really existed for me. It's just been this ideal that is there. I know what it's supposed to be, but I don't experience it. I suppose I'm used to being alone now, and I'm mostly ok with it, but it would also be nice for that to change and to have a normal life.
Day 909 - 12/27 - Has gone offline
It's a pretty sad day today. I'm extra sad because looking at my budget in about two months time my money will be roughly negative $250, which means I'll have to eat about half of the guild laptop money and all of the money I put in. And, I'm right back to just about zero and having no chance at getting a laptop until around July after I've been getting a few checks with more hours.
I just got kicked offline while playing because I ran out of power. I suppose it's my fault, but after spending two hours somewhere that had power I thought I should move. So, roughly 2.5-3.5 hours later *poof* no power mid-dungeon. Even when I'm having fun and want to play I'm still heavily limited by the suck that is my life.
I don't know what to do now. It's just past 3 and it will take about four hours to recharge my system, longer if I'm gaming. I'm tempted to drive up near work, shower, and go to a spot that I can be online and have power, but again if I game it will have a harder time recharging. I could go to the library and recharge, but that seems even more sad.
I'm so tired of my sad life. I'm so tired of looking at my budget and seeing my barely $200 paycheck breaking even with food, gas, and phone costs and basically nothing else. I'm so tired of watching any savings I can manage to get leaving my savings to spare me from going negative. But I don't know what else to do. I'm looking at jobs and noone is responding to me. I'm being friendly to people, but noone wants to be friendly or date me.
Today I feel so sad I just want to go to the ex-garage, be with my stuff, and cover myself with my blankets and cry until people genuinely want me in their lives and to help me get better and they come get me; even though I know that means I'll be alone in the ex-garage forever.
Day 910 - 12/28 - Message into space
Today I sent a tiny donation to Wil Wheaton. I thanked him for what he did with the Penny Arcade guys on the D&D podcast. I've listened to it like three times now. It's helped me through my long, cold, and lonely nights and reminded me of better times. It's tough for entertainers to know if you were entertained or not if you are an invisible audience. Live they can hear you laugh and clap, but when the audience is unknown, you only know you are appreciated when people tell you. Even when you have as many fans as he does, I bet it's still important for him to hear that he's appreciated. He mentions that in his other podcast; that he's nervous and self-critical, and it's important to know that he feels that way. Even when you have, I guess I could call it 'proven fame', you still worry about people enjoying what you do.
It's pretty early in the afternoon, only about 3. Nothing new has happened yet. Same old sad life for me.