PC talk system recommendations blog Facebook YouTube articles and guides links bio
game screensots rabb1t's ramblings podcast email
Epic Fail: The Journal of a Homeless Gamer
Book 6: Fading memories

This is my journal I wrote during the time I was homeless. It is broken up by week for easier reading. Feel free to read it on the web or download the complete .pdf version and print it for reading offline.

Week 263

Day 1835 - 7/10 - Turned out bad

Yesterday turned out bad. Sometime in the mid afternoon the lights and power went out in the coffee shop. I went to ask if we'd lost power and I saw they were messing with the lights. I'd learnt before that the power is on a regular light switch in back. I pointed out that power was out and that same rude ass that I wanted to punch in the face before was again rude to me. While it may have sounded innocent enough the statement of, "Feel free to buy something and I'll turn the power back on," was actually a multi-layered insult. Obviously, it was a direct insult against me. Hidden was the fact that the front room still had power, a fact revealed by my asking another regular who stays nearly all day in that area if he still had power. Indirectly attacked / offended were the ten others in my area who were also affected by the loss of power. So his insult also was a slap in the face to them and a second slap in the face to me because he didn't tell any of them to buy something before he would turn on the power.

I get people feeling I've outworn my welcome. I get people not wanting 'stragglers' there. (Again, there are half a dozen there every day, with a dozen or more total in all.) But if it's about power, if it's about the Internet, there is a far easier way to go about it. You go buy software that generates passwords, which you make good either all day or for chunks of hours. Said password is then automatically spit out onto the receipt. Problem solved. People have to buy something to get on the Internet. If people want to use the Internet they then must buy something.

I was told by the friendly coffee shop person I talk to every few days to try to not worry about it or to take it personally. I guess this guy is an ass in general and he does have issues with a dozen or more people based on incorrect assumptions about them.

I decided to just leave and do other things. One thing I decided to do was go see a movie. It was pretty fun and did help me feel a bit happier again. However, when I got to sanctuary I was unable to get in to rest. In fact, it wasn't until about 2:30 I could get in, leaving me with barely 6 hours of sleep if I am lucky.

Today I am exhausted. I looked for jobs and found nothing, though I have put out a few resumes lately, so that's good. Mostly today I played games and watched shows. But, due to my extreme exhaustion nothing really seemed fun, and I had an extremely difficult time focusing on anything. I may have to consider getting a school parking permit and consider sleeping in days at school if this continues.

Day 1836 - 7/11 - Today seems better

Today seems odd. I just played my console game for about two hours. I don't know if it's because it sucked me in to its world, or if it was just so nice to play a console game after so many years. But I feel kind of happy, like all of the sad of my day has been washed away. I know I didn't do much today, certainly nothing out of the ordinary before work. At work I edited my podcast, then played. But it's like everything normal and sad before that was washed away from my mind to leave me with the peaceful fun time of the console game.

I feel good. I feel less sad. And although I know that will return very soon, at least for the moment things seem ok. They seem like I'm just a normal guy with not so many issues. And I suppose that is something.

Day 1837 - 7/12 - Is that...?

Today was ok I guess. I don't remember it, but I know my day was slow, sad, lonely, and I was very very tired. Like yesterday once I started playing my console game I started to feel much better. I think, because the console is something I had in a home, it has helped me reconnect with the me that was. My laptop is something I've only had while homeless, so gaming on that will always make me think of being homeless and needing to use a laptop because of that. Desktop is quite a bit different than laptop play. The experience is very different in many ways. But with the console, it's basically like I'm just playing on a smaller screen. I didn't always play with my 5.1 sound, sometimes I played with headphones at night, so in this case it's closer to what I did in a home.

Some people in one of the last groups peeked in to the office and asked, 'is that such-n-such game?' And I was like, 'yup .' And they asked what I thought and if I liked it. We chatted for a bit about it. They were curious about my opinion and thoughts. It was very nice to chat about game things in person. I mean, I get to chat about game stuff on my podcast, but mostly that's to an invisible audience. I don't know what does or does not interest people since only a few people ever talk to me about it, and then only very rarely.

I've got a few extra work shifts lately, so that's good. But I fear I am still so very far from a home and while my console has brought me some joy lately, I fear how I am playing now will indeed be how I am forced to play on the new console. And what is worse, that because of the wear and tear of my terrible journey, that no matter how careful I am I will likely lose the monitor and console before I am back in a home to really enjoy them.

Day 1838 - 7/13 - Sad day

Today was pretty sad. I played for a bit and watched some shows, but mostly I was sad. Everywhere was quiet, not much going on. So my otherwise quiet day seemed extra quiet and lonely. I suppose nothing much has changed from before. I'm still mostly alone. I have games, but I'm currently between games, so the ones I'm playing are ones I've finished. (Not counting the console game, which I can only play in limited windows.)

I guess with regular life stuff being sad, the addition of my homeless life sad stuff makes things extra sad.

Day 1839 - 7/14 - Lonely work day

Today was an extra sad work day. I covered for the morning person, and the evening person needed me to cover them too, so I had an 11 hour shift. It was fine since I can do whatever. All added up I probably played my console game 7 hours and watched 1 hour of a show I'm checking. (I always check stuff that I've bought before putting it in storage.)

Though it was an otherwise good day I still feel sad. When I was leaving it was sort of mid-evening. It was a hair before 8. With a normal life I'd have been heading home. I'd have made dinner with some fresh ingredients on a stove. I'd have watched something on TV, and gotten caught up with my online stuff I couldn't do during the day.

But I couldn't do any of that. My day was effectively over. It was time to go and try and hide for the night. All the online stuff left undone must remain so. And all of the after work activities cannot be done, as I have no home to do them in. I suppose it's no different than any other work night. But for some reason, maybe because it's Sunday, normally a day off for people, it just made me feel very out of place.

Day 1840 - 7/15 - Ass is an ass

Today is kind of sad. In the morning that ass was at the coffee shop again. He walked right by me checking a remote dirty dishes station, where he could have clearly seen my dirty cup. Half an hour or so later I walk back to the bathroom and on my way back he was like, "Excuse me. Excuse me?! Are you going to be buying anything today?" I squinted, started at him for a good five seconds while I fought the urge to reach over the counter, grab his head, smash it into the drinks with pokie tops, then pull him over the counter and throw him through the glass walls, all Arnie action movie style and yell back, "I think you need to buy a broom." In my most calm extremely agitated voice I replied, "I did already. I do every time I'm here." Even though he said, 'oh, ok.' I really doubt he believed me. If he continues to be an ass and this escalates I may have to use my graphic arts skills for a smear campaign against him and post to the Internet. I know I am there too much. But I am quite, polite, honest, and friendly towards anyone who is neutral or friendly towards me. He is the only worker there, including the owner who I've bought from several times, who has issues with me.

After that I was pretty agitated and upset the rest of the day. It really irked me that he is the only one who has issues with me, and I am the only one he seems to feel he has the right to challenge and attack.

I have an extra work shift in the morning, so I guess that's something. After, I'll probably do some podcasting stuff, have lunch, then settle in at the coffee shop. I may see a movie in the evening, though I'll probably forget I was considering that by then, heh. I really hope I don't see that ass for a while.

Day 1841 - 7/16 - Day of many things

Today I've got some different stuff going on. I'm at a whopping 2 hour work shift now. After, I'll go do some podcasting, then grab lunch. I'm not sure if I'll go to the coffee shop after that or not. The reality is that the ass is only there for maybe four shifts a week. They are all part time people at four shifts for five hours each, so the chances of seeing him even if I went every day are somewhat low. (Just my regular work shifts block out 21% of the total shifts I could run into him, 28% blocked out if we count Sunday coverage.) Though he is making me feel really uncomfortable and unwelcome. In the evening I'll probably go see a movie. I really prefer to go Saturday nights, but I don't know. More and more over the years that I've been single with no (physical) friends, particularly now that I'm homeless, that particular tradition seems less and less important. It may feel nice while it's happening, but afterwards the memory just doesn't ever feel any more special than if I had gone on any other day or time.

While this week had the potential to start out really great with the return to consoles and having a place I felt stable, welcome, and safe, because of that ass everything now feels unstable and unpredictable. And now the little bit of stability I had for feeling normal seems uncertain. And again I feel lost and alone.

Week 264

Day 1842 - 7/17 - Farewell to a cutie

Today was sad and slow. The day seemed to creep along. Though I was mostly in a good mood I'm current on all shows, and I've now seen all the older shows I recently picked up. By the early afternoon I'd basically run out of things to do. In a home I'd have happily done my podcasting and final edits. I suppose I could have left the coffee shop to do that, I considered it, but I just stuck to my usual routine of doing it at night at dinner time. Had I been in a home I could have also played console games, maybe a rental or a downloaded over the network game.

Mostly today I was just sad and lonely. Thankfully the ass wasn't there. I'm glad I had to work yesterday morning, as I came by after my shift and saw him. I left basically immediately and went elsewhere.

The only real change is that one of the cuties at the shop I get my chicken soup from is quitting. She is much younger than I thought and she is leaving to enjoy the rest of her summer before going off to college in Texas. So hot and so far. And cold too in the winter I think. But I'm glad she is going when she is 'supposed to'. I think I really missed out on a big part of life by not going to college when I was young; not getting that early away from home experience, and not having that group of friends to bond with. I would really recommend everyone who can go when they are supposed to go to do so. There are so many things in life I didn't get to do when I was 'supposed to', and even now at my age so many things I am still missing out on because so many things before were missed. I know not everything works out for everyone who even does get those chances, but I know far more who are doing ok that did do things when they were supposed to than those, like me, who did not.

Day 1843 - 7/18 - Forgotten screwdriver

Today was really slow, sad, and hot. I was at the coffee shop before work and they had no AC on. I don't know what the temperature was, but others around me were fanning themselves and obviously uncomfortable. I'd say it had to be at least in the high 70s in the room I was in. I actually left a bit early because it was so hot.

I didn't really have anything in terms of games to play, but there was a nice surprise of five shows in my queue. I watched most of them and did stuff on the forums.

At work I had a rented console game. I did forget my screwdriver though, so the monitor wasn't screwed in to the stand. It kind of drooped a bit, but it was serviceable. Again it was super fun, and I was pretty much in my own world and felt much better about all the things once I started playing. I don't know if it's because it's been so many years since I played console games, because the ones I do play tend to be more action oriented and arcade-like than things I play on my laptop, or if the combination of a shower, work shift, and gaming, make me feel more like a normal (not homeless) person. I may only do my console gaming once a week regularly at work (due to worrying about damage from carrying it and the setup / take down time.) But, so far, it seems to have helped me quite a bit in terms of feeling normal and less sad.

Day 1844 - 7/19 - So tired

Today I am super tired. The day overall was ok. The ass wasn't at the coffee shop, so I was left undisturbed watching my shows. Again they did not turn on the AC, and again I felt like fainting from about 11 AM on. Though my app said outside was only 72F, it felt more like 80F.

Nothing happened today. Noone said hi. I didn't hardly play anything. I mostly watched shows and killed time on the forums. I checked for jobs, but there wasn't any I was qualified for. (There were a few biology things, but they required lab research experience.)

Today was just another sad and tired day.

Day 1845 - 7/20 - Feeling very alone

Lately I've been feeling so very alone. I miss my friend a lot. Not the one who unfriended me, but his sweetie, the first best friend of that couple. We used to talk all the time. I can't remember the last time we really talked. It started a while ago. I suppose maybe a year or so ago now. Back in the day she had no female friends with common interests and was very sad. Though a work thing she found some and got more and more close with them over time. Shortly after that we started talking less, as she started spending more and more time with them. I don't blame her. In fact, I am super happy for her that she has that circle of friends now. Maybe 6 months ago she also started getting tight with new guy friends due to another work thing she picked up. One of them is close enough that they regularly hang out together. Again, we chatted and played together less and less frequently. Again, I'm happy for her. With all these new people she seems super happy, and has those people to hang out and do stuff with. But I think I can certainly say she isn't my best friend anymore. I mean, she probably never really was in the traditional sense, she just knew me the most, but now... I don't know. I think she still cares a lot for me, and still worries about all my sad things, but we never really talk anymore.

Once upon a time - I must have been as young as six-years-old - I wanted to learn some skills that I might need when I grew up. I learned to sew. A bit later I learned to cook. I learned to do my laundry. And other things. I wonder if way back then I knew something deep down. I wonder if I somehow knew I would wind up this alone in my adult life.

I guess, even if I did sense something, I didn't know I would be so alone emotionally as well.

Day 1846 - 7/21 - Could be a brain disease

Today was mostly sad. I had a work shift in the morning, so that took up a lot of my day. I tried to play a game I rented, but I was totally stuck. I was doing exactly what strategy guides and videos showed, so I have no idea why I couldn't progress. That was a wasted $2 and time pulling out and setting up the system. After, I decided not to go to the coffee shop. With the ass being such an ass so much lately I decided to not risk him being there and just go elsewhere. I had some podcasting to record, so I did that. After, the place I decided to go had really terrible wireless, so the rest of the night was sad as I couldn't think of anywhere else to go really. (I have remembered a place now, so I may go there in the future.)

I passed some sprinklers and it smelt like grapes. Earlier at work I had smelt another out of place smell. Not yesterday, but Friday I think, I had about three out of place smells. The only one I remember was something like wood shavings, like the kind used to line pet homes. I hope these odd out of place smells aren't a sign of a brain disease. I know sometimes you can 'matrix' smells (smell or hear something from a mix of other things which trigger a memory). But I believe, like seeing things, it can be a sign something is wrong with my brain. I'm sure it's fine. While five out of place smells in three days is highly unusual I don't think it's really a cause for alarm.

I feel super fat today. My tummy wanted a number of different foods. Normally I wouldn't worry and just get them, but being a single serving life, and there not being single servings of the size I had a craving for, I had to pass. All but one meal today were ones I would have rather had something else.

It was super sad today. Recording in my car I was full on sweating. I'm so very sad I have no home and no friends to do anything with in real life (who I enjoy the company of.)

Day 1847 - 7/22 - Ass surprised me

Today was ok I guess. The coffee shop ass surprised me when I went up to the counter. He was civil, almost even had a friendly tone, and said, 'Your usual hot chocolate?' I blinked in shock and replied, 'Yeah.' I had to resist the urge to say, 'wtf?! You give me crap about ordering like four days ago and now you know my order?!' But I must assume someone talked to him about treating me like poo since our last encounter.

The rest of the day I spent doing my friend's online work really quick in the morning, then watched a few shows. At the laundry I checked my weight and it was down even more than last week. Funny that since I stopped keeping track of my calories it's gotten down to 217.5. While not a ton lower than the usual 220, it's lower than I've seen in as long as I can remember since my weight got up to 220. The only thing I can possibly conclude is that the reduction in stress from my recent console play has had an effect. Though, since it's alleviated only one small bit of stress from everything, I expect that alone will not allow my weight to keep dropping to its former 175-185. But it does give me hope that someday when my terrible journey is over I can return to a healthier weight.

Now all I have to do is hope that someday it does indeed come to a safe and happy end.

Day 1848 - 7/23 - Lingering dream

Today has started off a bit weird. I had an odd dream and it's lingering. In the dream I was at a convention, which I haven't been to since I was young. I must have been there the night before it started, as almost everyone was a business traveler (in suits). I think I only saw one person in costume, and 2-3 dressed in regular cloths. I was up late, I think to try and get something to eat. Most people were just grabbing a drink or checking in and going to their rooms. I was very confused, both at being somewhere I haven't been in forever, partly because this was a convention I hadn't been to before and thus didn't know anyone, but mostly because I've been homeless so long I don't remember how to live like a normal person. I felt very odd not only being out of place, but by being homeless for so long that I still felt homeless, just with a room to put stuff in for the weekend. I didn't remember how to dress or act around other people, and I think too I was confused because I've been out of it for so long I didn't even know if how I dressed or acted would be appropriate anymore.

While it's always possible I could win lottery monies and be back on my feet and able to go to conventions at any time - why not me? People win big amounts every few weeks - I do often wonder such things as I thought in the dream. It's not surprising my brain would pick such a setting for a dream. But now, having been awake for a bit and back to my regular day off homeless routine I feel doubly confused. I feel confused by the dream, and confused at being pulled out of the dream, and because of that I feel more isolated and alone than I have in quite some time. I guess awake, or asleep in the dream, my life is the same; I am alone in a sea of strangers.

Comments and stuff Copyright E. Stryker 2008-2013
Pictures for Epic Fail are taken by me. :)

flash required for the logo
best viewed at 1280 wide resolution or higher