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Epic Fail: The Journal of a Homeless Gamer
Book 6: Fading memories

This is my journal I wrote during the time I was homeless. It is broken up by week for easier reading. Feel free to read it on the web or download the complete .pdf version and print it for reading offline.

Week 277

Day 1933 - 10/16 - Medicine man

Today I got too much food at dinner. It's odd, because I was starving, but I actually had a hard time eating it all. Class was ok, but confusing. I did start to get some stuff I was working on last night, so hopefully I'll get better and feel more positive about things.

I had my check up today. There were some things in y blood work that were better, but some things were worse. My kidney are still getting hammered by that one medicine, so she took me off it. I have a new prescription I'm supposed to go get filled and try out. But my cholesterol levels are kind of bad. It's not like painc I'm going to die soon bad, but bad enough she wants to try a medicine to help with it. We are going to wait 3-4 weeks to see how the new blood pressure meds go before adding that though. Hopefully that will all turn out ok, but I worry.

It's about 3 hours until I order my new laptop. Hopefully it will be ok. Just in the past few days Amazon has shown them out of stock. I checked with the actual shipper, as Amazon is just going to pass my order along, and they show them in stock there.

Still, I'm sad it has come to this. I always thought I'd set up my laptop in a home, piece together a new desktop, and sell the laptop. Now, what has actually happened is I will be giving it away to a friend because I am forced to replace it before it suffers final death. While I'm glad I put the money together to replace it, I can't help but be sad that I am still in a poo situation to where I need to have it.

Day 1934 - 10/17 - On the way

Today was odd. I guess it started last night. Just after midnight I put the order in for the laptop. Everything went fine. In fact, it was $150 less than I'd expected because there was no tax. And, that was with overnight shipping. I had a really hard time being restful and sleeping after. I don't know if I was unable to settle, and flopped around, drifting between sleeping and being awake, or if I was asleep and had bad dreams about being trapped, which caused me to flop around.

Today was relaxing, but also stressful. I didn't do any school stuff, just took the day off as it were. I watched some shows, posted on some forums, and tried to play my game. Though between the servers being down for a patch and the Internet disconnecting me a lot, I didn't get to play much at all.

I was also stressed out about my order. The only way for it to come in time for me to take the old system to my friends on Saturday is if the new one shipped on time today. I was supposed to get an email confirming it along with a tracking number, but it never came. It's now nearly 11 PM and it still hasn't come. After 5 I checked the website and it showed that it had shipped, so in theory everything should be fine, but I worry.

Day 1935 - 10/18 - I can has

Today I got my new laptop. I love it a lot and so far there hasn't been too much trouble with Windows 8. So far I have found everything I needed. That being said, there is the tiniest screw blocking me from getting in to change the second drive to my SSD. I can get that at the ex-garage in a bit and hopefully everything will be fine. Until then, probably 98% of my programs haven't been tried yet, as they are all on that disk. Hopefully everything will be compatible and run fine without issues.

The new laptop seems better in every way. It seems a bit lighter. Though I forgot to check it, the battery should last two or even three hours. The headphones are about half the volume they could be and it's as loud as the previous laptop at max. And while I'd prefer soft gamer plastic, the top around the keyboard area is brushed aluminum, which will likely help with cooling quite a bit.

I'm super tired. I've not slept well lately. Again last night I flopped around and had a lot of trouble going to sleep. I tried to drop off my new prescription, but they said it would be $35, so I'll have to see about getting that mandatory health coverage before I can do that.

I've got some time to play and stuff tomorrow morning, then I'm off to my friend's daughter's birthday party. It's awesome that I can get him the old laptop since the desktop died so fast. Hopefully this will last longer.

Day 1936 - 10/19 - A party

Today was pretty good. In the morning I grabbed a few final things for the old laptop. I got to play for just a little bit. It wasn't long, but it was long enough to have some fun. In the early afternoon I made the 1.5 hour long drive to my friend's daughter's birthday party. It was pretty good. It was basically just family, which is odd, as I figured she would have had school friends there. I stayed for a bit after t get my friend set up and test things out a bit. We had to alter some plans on set-up, but things seemed fine. It seemed odd to leave the laptop I'd gamed on for so long there. A part of me wishes I could have just kept it. But too, a part of me knows it wasn't logical to do that. Having to be 100% reliant on stable power, and having access to power, just isn't feasible with my life all the time. Regardless of how much I wish my life weren't so, it is. And the sad things simply can't be changed. And with so many things I really don't have much choice if I want to continue to retain as much of me as I can.

Day 1937 - 10/20 - Still hissing

Today was pretty good. In the morning I got a message from the guy who was supposed to work asking me if I was working. Um no. I wasn't asked to cover it. I'm not surprised he forgot. He said he had a family emergency and asked if I could cover. But, pssh, I know he just forgot. I really don't get it. He messages me through the phone, so it's not like there isn't a record of what he has or hasn't asked me. He could have easily checked. But that went ok, and it's another $40 I can put to recovering some savings.

The night went ok. I played my game a bit. I played a new game for a bit. And I tried out something which I thought might fix this hiss issue the new laptop has with sound. Sadly it didn't, which makes me thing it is something on the physical sound chip, not the headphone jack. Which means unless it can be disabled it will always do it. The effect is, however, greatly lessened in games now and I didn't notice it when gaming, so that's ok. (I guess it wasn't here I mentioned that hiss before. It's some kind of headphone amp to make things louder, but you can hear a white noise hiss when sounds are playing.)

I'm so extremely tired though. Lots of trouble sleeping lately.

Day 1938 - 10/21 - Sad heart, sad ears

Today I am sad. The day went ok up until class. I was very distracted all day, which was fine early in the day, but during class I just couldn't focus. I didn't care about what was being said, and what was being said had nothing to do with the homework which is due in a few days.

I tried to do the homework during work, but wow. I felt so lost since I didn't understand any of what we are supposed to do I almost cried. It's too late to drop the class, yet I have no idea what I'm supposed to do with these homeworks. I'll have to just try and do what I can over the next few days until it's due then just submit what I can. She hasn't replied to any emails I've sent, and it seems we don't have permission to post on the forums. They are all completely empty.

I am also disappointed the fix I tried for my laptop sound didn't work. I see absolutely no way to get rid of the subtle white noise hiss, which is very disappointing. I mean, I'm sure I'll eventually stop hearing it, particularly when gaming, but it's disappointing because there was nothing wrong with my previous laptop's sound. I don't know why they felt they had to change it. And it makes even less sense that this wasn't discovered before mass production.

I'm so very sad and so very tired lately. I wish I had the money and freedom to get the rest and sleep I so desperately need, and was able to live a happy rabb1t life doing all the game and tech stuff I enjoy.

Day 1939 - 10/22 - Should be good, but probably won't

Today should be good, one of those days I take off just o have fun and try and relax, but it probably won't. My assignment that's due tomorrow is nowhere close to done. I don't even understand the directions. And, for the first time with my new system it looks like the software isn't even installing correctly. So who knows how long it would be before that can be sorted out. Hopefully the professor will continue to be super lenient and let me keep redoing stuff. I think I'd do ok on a test, but not great. But I just feel completely lost again.

I am very sad at all my limitations lately. It seems like everything in life I'd enjoy doing as a job is blocked from me. Either I can't do it because I can't get the school certifications, or I can't do it due to physical limitations.

I feel like the lame animal in the herd that noone wants to be near, predators don't want due to perceived ills, and people don't use due to flaws. It seems the only thing I'm good at is helping others, yet noone seems to feel that is worth supporting.

Week 278

Day 1940 - 10/23 - Alien abduction

Today I feel pretty sad. I'm still very lost feeling with class. Hopefully the professor will continue to be lenient and I can do ok when the test finally comes. It's not likely at all to get an A or B, but if I get a C and it's ok for taking classes that have it as a pre-requisite that's all I'd need.

I've been feeling sick lately. My eyes hurt. My ears are ringing. I've been congested and had a rough throat. And I've been coughing too. And I feel like I'm being strangled.

I had the strangest dream last night. I'm pretty good with dream analysis, but this must have been my brain wandering. It started harmless enough. There was this hotel resort place that was for singles to try and get dates. I had snuck in because they had a pool and I was going to do lap exercises and try and work out a bit. I figured with it being all adult singles in their 30s to my age I'd blend right in. There activity ended and they were gathering for the next activity (which was not in the pool area, it was something in a ballroom). The problem was everyone had bracelet or laminated ID badges and I didn't. When they got to me in the line I tried to lie my way through saying I'd lost it in the pool. They said, 'Good luck getting out. Try the way you got in.' Unfortunately, I couldn't. The way I came in was closed off. The only possible way out of the pool area was through a maintenance area in the hotel. I snuck in following some event staff and tried to find a way out. It was like a basement. There were random heating pipes, steam, and large machines. I had to avoid the security patrols or I'd be arrested. I used my gamer stealth skills to sneak deeper into the building. I could see out of some basement style windows (those small ones that are just slits near the top of wall just below the roof.) I decided my best bet was to try to get to the roof, then jump down to the ground level. It wasn't too difficult to get up a level. But now the building was somehow larger, about the size of a small hotel building. This level was mostly security centers, changing locker room areas, etc. I quickly made my way up another level, as this one was full of security. Now the building was even larger, about the size of a warehouse outlet building. The ceiling was now about 20' high, and the floor wasn't all there. It was scattered, like a half built building, just beams and walkway planks. The floor wasn't flat. Areas went up or down. It felt more like an area above a stage than an actual building floor. It was much more difficult to avoid patrols. There weren't many, but there were few paths. And I knew that the guards on this level would shoot on sight. They now all had sidearms, and some had rifles. I managed to find my way up yet another level. This level only had a couple of guards, who left to the lower level right about the time I entered. This level was the same size, but there were piles and piles of luggage everywhere. In fact, there was barely any room to walk and only a few paths. I'd even seen one area someone had made a cubby space to hide in and set up a laptop, but there was no evidence of where the occupant had gone. I saw some signs that pointed to 'evacuation points'. 'Finally', I thought to myself. I saw some luggage being moved on conveyer belts. It was automatically being loaded and spaced about 20 feet apart. I noticed the wall was open on one side. I got to the closest 'evacuation point'. It was small, certainly nowhere near big enough for a helicopter to come in and land. It was maybe 8' around, with luggage redirecting from that point onto a different conveyer belt. I followed that path with my eyes. And then I saw it. The path connected to another which arched up and went way out of the building. I could see it went to a plane. But the plane was huge. It was easily twice as long as we have now. And it was maybe five times bigger around. I could only see a tiny part of the left rear section. While I stood there looking at it I knew I had to turn back and run. This was not a way out. There had been people who were missing from the resort. An unusually high number in fact. And I knew this was not a plane. It was an alien ship disguised as a plane. I had a vision of people in cocoons with breathing masks and mind control connections strapped to their heads. The aliens were putting them in suspended animation chambers lined along the walls like coffins. And all the luggage as these people's luggage. But it really wasn't used. It was all a grand scheme to cover up the abductions. I knew I had to hurry before they took me too. And that's when I woke up.

Day 1941 - 10/24 - Three poops

Today I've been pretty sick. I've felt cold a lot lately, and I've been feeling chilly. Both in the cold sense, and in the I feel cold but know it's not really cold. I've got a lot of lung congestion, a bit of sneezing, and a scratchy throat. I wish I could sleep in a bed and get extra rest, but I can't. The oddest thing was I pooped three times. I normally only poop once in a day. And some days it doesn't even seem like it's an even 24 hours apart. So that seemed very unusual since I didn't eat differently than any other day.

My friend who I haven't talked with much lately sent me a bunch of monies. She's gotten super successful now. She got a job in gaming and she has hundreds and hundreds of important gaming contacts. As I've said before I'm super proud 'she made it.' I hope now she considers herself successful, no matter how things go for her in the future. Though I'm sure things will be just fine. I've been telling her for years she was successful even though she wasn't paid to do what she was doing. In a way I guess she's right. Without pay things are just a 'hobby'. For me it's not really about that though. I guess it's more about appreciation and recognition. For myself... I know on rare occasion there are those out there who appreciate what I do, but it seems rarely, if ever, do I get recognized for doing it.

Day 1942 - 10/25 - Super sick

Today I've been super sick. I've had a really torn up throat, my eyes hurt, my ears hurt and are ringing, and while I've felt cold, I've also had chills and felt like I have a fever. I've had fits of coughing that felt like I was going to throw up. I haven't been this sick in years. I've been drinking as much liquid as I can, though really it's just been junk soda. That's what I have access to. I did get some medicine on my way to work though and that's seemed to help a lot. Hopefully I can get a good night's sleep, and with the medicine, I can get better quickly.

Day 1943 - 10/26 - Still sick, getting better

Not much to say for today. I'm still super sick, but getting a bit better. The meds I got have greatly lessened my symptoms, but they still make me super tired, so I was out of it most of the day.

Day 1944 - 10/27 - Still so sick

Today I am still very sick. I'm getting better, but I'm still not feeling very good at all. In fact, for the first time in I don't know how long, I'll probably be skipping class tomorrow. I'm just so tired, and doing anything just wears me out. Plus, this medicine I got really spaces me out. Hours will pass and it will seem like minutes and I don't know what is going on.

I had very strange dreams last night. Not bad, just strange. I was kept up a lot due to my cold. Not completely kept awake, but I was very aware that I was sleeping and dreaming, and I felt I could just hover up at any time to wake completely up. Hopefully I'll sleep better tonight and get better soon.

Day 1945 - 10/28 - Felt like a punch in the face

Today I woke up with swollen parts. My upper lip and left cheek near my eye were swollen. I'm not sure if I pushed on something, or punched myself in my sleep (it started feeling this way probably around 3 AM), or what. It's possible I overdosed on the medicine I was taking, as my sinuses felt so open it felt like someone jammed some tubes up through my nose into my skull. It's night now, and I've been off the meds since lunch. They ran out. I'm feeling mostly better now, though I'm still very congested and my throat is destroyed.

I tried doing some class work and I'm just horribly lost still. I don't know how I'll pass the class. I'm getting extremely discouraged and nothing makes sense. The first class I got, but this one seems magnitudes more complex. If I don't get at least a C and can move on I don't know what I'll do. I guess I could try and change focus and direction yet again. But more and more I'm feeling like I'll never be able to get a degree that helps me in any real way towards a career since I failed at my main path.

Day 1946 - 10/29 - The sneaker experiement

Today I'm feeling a bit better, more so emotionally than physically. I'm still very congested, my throat will likely be destroyed for days, my sinuses are still overly clear and hurt, and I'm coughing up yuck. But, despite getting nowhere on the homework yesterday I might break my play day rule and spend some time trying to do some work on it.

Yesterday I started the sneaker experiment. Since I walk on hard surfaces all the time I thought I'd see if the softer soul on the sneakers help my feet to feel better. I figure I'll not wear my boots for about a week and then go back and see if my feet hurt when wearing them after that. If they don't then that means I'll just have to not wear my boots as much until I've lost some of the weight. (When I put on my sneakers, my feet were pretty smooshed. I guess it's not just my tummy that's gotten wider, but my feet as well.) It was a non-issue sub-200, but since then my feet have been hurting all the time.

Well, today is a play day, so once I can get settled into my regular spot hopefully I can have about as peaceful, restful, and calm a day as I can expect to get while homeless.

Comments and stuff Copyright E. Stryker 2008-2013
Pictures for Epic Fail are taken by me. :)

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