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Epic Fail: The Journal of a Homeless Gamer
Book 6: Fading memories

This is my journal I wrote during the time I was homeless. It is broken up by week for easier reading. Feel free to read it on the web or download the complete .pdf version and print it for reading offline.

Week 301

Day 2101 - 4/2 - A blur

Today was a blur. I have a vague memory of playing a bit in the morning, checking forums, watching a stream, checking for jobs, and playing offline a bit in the later day, but nothing is clear. It's all kind of a blur.

I'd have preferred to sleep in, to cook my food, to watch a show on TV with my surround sound, and to have been able to stream some game playing, but those are not an option. Those options are not in my life anymore.

Day 2102 - 4/3 - Forgetable day

Today was a forgettable day. I literally don't remember anything I id clearly save for eat an orange without pain and edit my podcast. It seemed odd having to work at my old time without class right before. That will be a short lived experience tough, as classes start right back up next week. It will be a morning until noon class, so that will be unusual. I'm not usually up that early. In the evening I watched a show and played a bit at work, so that was fun. Overall though, today was fairly forgettable.

Day 2103 - 4/4 - Eye thing

Today was ok I guess. Mostly I played in my pre-order beta weekend. It was super fun, but I wish my connection as stable, so I could do dungeons. The evening at work was ok. I had a movie to watch and played an offline game.

I have an odd eye thing going on. As of a few days ago, I guess Monday morning, I've had yuck in the corners of both and they've been itchy. I tried changing contacts, so it's not that. And yesterday I looked in the mirror and noticed the bottom lid part is kind of puffy and irritated. I don't know if it's because I stayed up all night, or if a cold got in there. I hope it goes away soon.

Day 2104 - 4/5 - Quiet day

Today was a quiet day. Most of the first Saturday of the month flea market people didn't come, probably due to the sky threatening to rain. Also, since college is out, there were no students. The coffee shop had maybe half a dozen people on average all day.

The quiet stillness reminded me of being in a home. It reminded me of times I had no worries and nothing I needed to do. I felt pretty good, but I forced myself to play my game, and keep playing, and keep playing.

There would be no opportunity for a nice stretch break and shower. There would be no opportunity for a nice break to step away from the computer and go watch a show during lunch. There would be no break to cook, no break to lean and set up board games and role playing games for expected friends, nor any nice meal to plan for dinner while watching a movie.

I had to keep playing, or face all the sad things I miss.

Day 2105 - 4/6 - Crashing tired

Today I felt super tired. I don't know why, but lately I've felt fine and then at some point in the early afternoon I just start to crash hard. I get super tired and it's hard to focus on anything. I think maybe it's a combination of my lost night of sleep and a cold.

I had fun with my pre-order beta. It was another weekend we could play. I wish I was in a home though. There is really just one dungeon for my character I have to do, and if I'm not at work I'm not stable enough to do it. I'm forced to play other characters, not play, or just farm low level stuff to try to do crafting. It doesn't come out for seven weeks, so I always hope my life will change and I'll be in a home by then. For all the reasons; not just to play as I wish with the one game, but with all the not replies to resumes I send, without winning money in the lottery, it seems very unlikely that things will change.

Day 2106 - 4/7 - Not laundry

Today was supposed to be laundry day. I had my laundry in the car ready to go. But I guess when I set my alarm in the later morning to leave, I set it for the wrong time. I stopped the timer a few minutes before it was set to go off and was like, 'ok, time to go do laundry... wait. ' And I saw I had miscalculated and it was an hour later than I intended to set it. I didn't have time to do laundry.

I guess it's not terribly important. But it's my routine. It's one of the few normal things I have left to do. The fact that I either have to miss it this week or do it on a day I'm not supposed to seems very disappointing. And it feels like it's done little more than remind me how out of control my life is. In a home I could have done it at any time during the day. Without a home... it's either disrupt a different day's schedule, or don't do it this week.

Day 2107 - 4/8 - No hot chocolate

Today I have my new class. I don't want to forget about posting, so I'm doing it before. For this quarter I'll not be going to the coffee shop in the mornings on Tuesdays, and not at all on Thursdays. That will save me $6, so that's ok. It will also reduce my hot chocolates. The doc says that wouldn't impact my weight, but it's really the only diet change since I started gaining. I may sleep in a bit on those days as well. There will be one or two hours after I'm up and about before it starts. Hopefully class will go ok. It's in a pretty small cramped room.

I've got a movie to see a bit after class, so that should be fun. But that's it for my day. Nothing special or good has happened lately towards change.

Week 302

Day 2108 - 4/9 - Odd times

Today started with an early morning shift. It worked out pretty good because I got an extra shower, got to play my online game I don't get to play due to the coffee shop disconnecting, and after work I had a quiet parking space to do my podcasting from. After, I went to school and played offline. I figured since the online thing I have to play isn't playable at the coffee shop, what would be the point in going to the busy and noisy coffee shop when I could instead have a mostly private quiet space.

Friday will be a bit upsideown as well. I think because of the lame hour caps my boss asked me to work seven hours in the morning instead of five in the evening. Outside of what will be hell for a commute, it should work out kind of better. It's two more hours and it should be during a shift where noone will bug me. Hopefully it will work out ok and I can watch a few movies and play games and stuff.

As always though, I wish I were free. Free from needing to work. Free from being forced to find windows to record. Free from being forced to plan where and how to game. I just want to be back in a home and do the few things I enjoy doing.

Day 2109 - 4/10 - Overly worried

Today I've been overly worried about my new class. There are some projects we have to do, and many of them are things we do or things we do in a group. Being a single person with no home and no friends I've been really struggling with the first project which is due on Tuesday. It would be easy to take pictures of someone else, or have someone take pictures of me, but alone, with no resources, such a project would be difficult.

I've been losing sleep over it the past few days, so that's not good. Hopefully everything will be fine, and I'm just being overly worrisome for no reason. But I can't help but worry. I feel capable, but again lost. I feel like others in the class would help if I asked, but I feel alone. And, as always, I feel like ultimately no matter how good or bad I do, my performance and growth will make no difference to potential employers.

Day 2110 - 4/11 - Weird schedule

Today I had a weird schedule. I got to work much quicker than I expected, so I was there in plenty of time. Sadly it was at the work which gets no Internet signal, but I mostly did my class assignment, watched two movies, and played offline very briefly. I was going to go to my new quiet room at school I hang out at, but it was closed. I guess the person who opens it isn't there on Fridays. So I just went to the coffee shop. I saw some videos from a convention I wish I could be at. So that made me sad that I still can't afford to go to conventions, and I'm not being invited to go in any way.

I'm beginning to wonder if my good deeds will ever be rewarded or recognized with anything lasting, or if I will ever recover enough to at least do some things I want with my own money.

Day 2111 - 4/12 - Guess it was ok

Today was ok I guess. I felt kind of alone, and sad I couldn't be at the convention people are posting about. I watched some streams of stuff from the convention and watched a show. I even managed to stay connected enough to my online game to play for a bit. I played offline too.

Today was sad, and lonely, but all in all I suppose for a sad life it was ok.

Day 2112 - 4/13 - A day

Today was a day. I suppose it wasn't really bad, but it wasn't good either. Again people posted about the fun convention I'd have rather been at, and for yet another year I am sad I missed out on all the fun.

I again spent a few hours helping on forums I'm an MVP for, and again I feel I am basically unappreciated and invisible. I still wonder what I did wrong to have such a sad lonely life. And I wonder if it will ever change regardless of if I have enough money to recover or not.

Day 2113 - 4/14 - Feeling sad

Today was ok, but I still feel pretty sad. Maybe it's because of the last weekend being yet another convention I want to go to but can't, and now this weekend is bunny day. Though I know there are those out there who care about me, mostly I just feel alone, unappreciated, and like what I do won't ever really matter to anyone and I won't even recover to my previous poor levels. More and more lately it feels like I've missed out on life and nothing I do will put me in a position to recover.

I know there are people all the time who's lives don't start until half way through, or they totally redirect themselves, or people are finding new friends and new love all the time, but I've never felt like I was any of those kind of people. I always seem like the one who falls through the cracks, the one who is in a group then forgotten about and left behind, or the one who never gets picked.

I don't know if it's because I seem sad and people pick up on that, and past your twenties that is an undesirable trait, or if it really is this invisible aura around me, or some kind of karma. But those very few positive and supportive people I have in my life have always been out of reach, or I simply had none in my life. I've never seemed to have a charmed life surrounded by loved ones who support me.

Again I'm feeling like the lone shadow passing by in the night.

Day 2114 - 4/15 - Another sad week's end

Today is the end of another sad week's end of fail. Another year passed that I missed out on one of the big conventions I want to cover, and another reminder of how alone I am and helpless to do what I would really like to be doing.

I feel old, alone, and isolated. And again I don't know what the future will hold for me, if it holds anything at all.

Comments and stuff Copyright E. Stryker 2008-2014
Pictures for Epic Fail are taken by me. :)

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