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Epic Fail: The Journal of a Homeless Gamer
Book 6: Fading memories

This is my journal I wrote during the time I was homeless. It is broken up by week for easier reading. Feel free to read it on the web or download the complete .pdf version and print it for reading offline.

Week 269

Day 1877 - 8/21 - Hurt finger

Today my finger is hurting a lot. For the past few days the tip on the side of my middle finger has been hurting. It's like something poked in there at the edge of the nail. It's a bit swollen and has the sore filled with ick feeling to it. It wasn't too bad in past days, but today it's had an almost non-stop throbbing. Hopefully the swelling will go down soon and it will be normal again.

My battery and headphones still aren't here. A week later on both. I don't even know when to expect the headphones. They never said what the plan was to replace them. They didn't even acknowledge they received them, though I know they must have. I emailed this morning, but there was no reply yet.

I did my podcast today, so that was fun. I had to do it on the old netbook though. It should be fine. There shouldn't be anything wrong. I copied the files to a USB and I'll put them on my laptop in the morning for editing at night.

I guess that's really it. Nothing much else to say. My birthday stuff has settled down again and things are pretty much back to normal. I didn't get anything from dad, so that is a bit unusual. I wonder lately if he's suddenly passed away. We never really talked much, but it seems like lately he's been missing email times he normally emails.

It still seems so strange to be so alone in life. I mean, sure, I know people care, and people listen to my podcast, but it's weird that I have noone to talk about my good times and bad with. I suppose though I've never really had that kind of friend, let alone a best friend. Oh, my recent best friends were very close, but it was more they were my closest friends, especially since the one isn't my friend anymore, and the other seems to continually be drifting away as her pool of real life friends grows. I don't blame her, she deserves to be super happy, we all do. And now she has all those friends. Just because I still don't doesn't mean I would want her to spend time away from her friends. But a real, true, genuine best friend ... even counting the gray ghost I don't know if I've ever had one. Our relationship was odd. We both had 'broken homes' growing up, so we both became more like family than best friends.

I guess I'm just feeling sad and lonely and rambling, so I'll stop.

Day 1878 - 8/22 - Exploding finger

Today I guess a lot happened. My finger was worse in the morning. It was more swollen and it hurt even more than yesterday. I was gently pressing on it, hoping to promote flow of whatever is stuck in there. At around 9:30 AM it just kind of popped like a zit. White yuck came out. I pushed it out to be sure as much of the yuck came out as possible. Immediately after it hurt even more, and was swollen all around the area. It had become swollen half way to the next joint. I was very worried and felt an odd feeling in my veins around my elbow and underarm. However, in a few hours it started to clear up. And, by the early afternoon, all the swelling had gone down to basically about where it was three days ago. By the time work was over it was just about completely normal again. I guess whatever was in there finally cleared up.

My feet have hurt a lot lately too. I think because I no longer walk on soft surfaces. Ever since I've been homeless I've been on solid floors, or on concrete surfaces. I have nowhere I travel that has carpet, or a springy floor like in a home.

Before work I checked the ex-house. Both the battery and replacement headphones were there. So, phew, at least something should be back to normal.

Day 1879 - 8/23 - Pretty good day

Today feels pretty good actually. A few of my teeth are mildly throbbing, but that isn't likely ever to go away due to the bad state they are in. My finger seems about 90% back to normal, so that's awesome.

I did a bit of a test with my system this morning. I checked what it showed in the battery unplugged, and it showed an hour and 15 minutes charge, which is double what it showed with the basic battery. If it does last that long that would be insane. I guess I'll maybe find out Wednesday when I do my recording.

I had a lot of fun playing my game today. Someone I played posted hi on my Facebook page. They were one of the employees at Blizzard. I always wonder how many of them I may play in a day. Their names aren't marked, so I have no clue.

I posted a link to my podcast and someone said they liked it. So that always makes me happy when someone appreciates my ramblings.

I guess that's really it for today. Hopefully I can get enough sleep. There was weirdness last night and I lost several hours.

Day 1880 - 8/24 - Feeling sad on a good day

Today was a pretty good day. I felt ok. My finger is all better, so there is no more worry about whatever that was. Though I was a bit tired, I got enough sleep. I played my game most of the day and watched part of a show.

The day had overtures of sadness and loneliness. I wished I could have taken a shower. I wished I had friends I could have talked with. I wish I was in a home and could stream my games for people to watch and chat with if they are interested. I wish I could have cooked dinner and sat down to watch a silly Saturday night show, or maybe a rented or recently purchased movie.

Things are ok, not really worse than before, but I still can't help but feel sad about everything I'm missing, and looking back, at everything I have missed and can't go back to get.

Day 1881 - 8/25 - Another pretty good day

Today was pretty good. I had a work shift in the morning. Though all shift I did stuff for my game. It's unclear if the developers want to make achievements, so I drew up some example UI pictures and made a data file with about 100 achievements. When I got to the coffee shop that was all sent. (For some reason the free city wireless at work blocks outgoing emails.) I likely won't hear a reply for a few days. They probably won't use it. I'm sure it's already in the works.

The rest of the day and night I had fun playing my game. There was even another match with the super famous streamer. And I won, again.

That was really it for today. I guess in a way I did everything I would have in a home, but in a limited capacity. Though it would have been nice to do some other things I was thinking of doing. Without being in a home though, those have to wait.

Sad life is still very sad, but today I don't feel as sad.

Day 1882 - 8/26 - Mixed feelings

This past fail week I've been feeling more and more mixed emotions. I've very happy I have my new game. I'm very super proud to be an MVP. But I'm still sad about all my limitations. And I'm sad my suggestions that I've sent in doesn't get a faster reply. (It will take time to consider my ideas, I'm sure.)

I guess I didn't mention it before, but it seems my battery was likely not at fault. I tested the new one and it died unusually fast as well. When I recharged and turned the system on it showed a 0% 'replace the battery' warning. Over several sessions that persisted, showing 0% not charging when plugged in and turned on, yet showing 100% charged light when shut down. I have come to the conclusion that it must not be the battery, but something wrong with the connection point to the rest of the system, or the thing which reads how much charge the battery has. Sadly, that's not a thing which can be fixed. Thankfully, the system seems fine plugged in. So, I guess, at least for now, I use it only when plugged in, and I use my netbook for podcasting. The problem is that if I need to replace it, and the IRS takes that $500+ they demanded, then I've basically only got 1/3 of what I'd need to get a replacement laptop by the end of this year. It would take most of next year, if not all, to get the rest I'd need.

Well, I guess my life is what it is. I have to try and enjoy what I have that is good as long as I can before it goes bad. And that doesn't seem to be something which will change anytime soon.

Day 1883 - 8/27 - Owie toe

Today feels... I guess positive. It's one of those days I feel like something different will happen. I may just smile and laugh a bit at a show. I may have something change on a forum. Or maybe I might get a message for an interview. Or maaayeeebe even win a something in tonights lottery.

Though I feel the very gentle breeze of what may be winds of change, I doubt anything will really happen. So often when I feel this way the day goes by uneventfully, no different than it did before.

I have an owie toe. My only guess is last time I cut the toe nail it was in such a way that now that it's grown back out a bit it's pushing against something. It's not terribly hurt, but a bit of it feels poked and is a bit sore. Kind of like I stubbed it very gently against something pointy. Maybe I'll try and sneak my shoes off for a bit to help whatever it is heal. (People sometimes take shoes off to put their feet up on the chairs here, so it's not unusual to see.)

I guess that's really it for today and this week. As always though, I can update later in the day if something spectacular happens. (Really, being Tuesday, all I hope for is a day uninterrupted online to watch shows and play, and when I go to get my soup I see the very attractive and cute strawberry redhead Eden.) But for now, all I can do is hope opportunity for change does eventually come and things get better.

Week 270

Day 1884 - 8/28 - Bleh dinner

Today was pretty good I guess. Yesterday nothing was different, at least not that I noticed. Today was uneventful as well. Mostly I just played my game, watched a show, and checked for jobs. Someone did post on the forum that they saw me in game and were super surprised to see me. They were super nervous to fight me, like I'm super famous or something. They said they've never had so much fun losing. It was nice to hear someone say they liked my company.

I didn't want chicken noodle soup tonight. I decided to give the expensive food store another try. Again it was really pricy at $10, and again it was pretty bad. The vegetables were overly soggy from sitting too long, the watermelon mushy, and the chicken overly dry. The only redeeming thing was the lasagna, which was pretty good.

I guess today was ok, but I miss the simplicity of being in a home.

Day 1885 - 8/29 - Too hot

Today was too hot. I was just about sweating in the coffee shop, and even in the evening at work the air was so still in the office I was hotter after taking my shower than before.

My system, particualarly the plug brick, is also too hot. I suppose it could be in part due to the heat and no airflow, but I can't help but be worried this is an effect of the power issues and it's closer to death than not. I wonder if the power issues are actually what caused the problems back in the day. Over or under-voltage could pretty easily cause system locks, particularly small ones that clear up. I guess there is really nothing I can do about it regardless of the cause. All I can do is hope the system hangs on until I can replace it, just like all I can do is hope I can hang on until I'm back in a home.

Day 1886 - 8/30 - So much peeing

Today was ok I suppose. It really wasn't any different than any other day lately. It was super hot though.

I have started trying to drink less soda again. I'm maybe at half what I have been, about where I was when trying to seriously diet. I don't know if it will really help me lose weight though. It seemed to make no difference before. I think because of my body missing stuff I get more hungry for food to compensate, and all I can really eat is junk. Fruits are so horrendously expensive it would be difficult to buy healthy snacks. (It's like twice as expensive, or more.) Even if I could, in this weather it would only last a few hours, maybe half a day, before it went bad. I've been drinking a lot of water, so I guess that's good, but I'm peeing like 5-6 times as much. That might be ok too though, as it gets me up to walk back and forth to a bathroom.

My brain feels a bit clearer. I don't know if that's less soda, more water, or the heat. I'm super tired though when I get tired. Maybe that's a good thing. I've been having trouble getting to sleep lately.

Day 1887 - 8/31 - Ok day I guess

Today was an ok day I guess. Nothing really special happened. Mostly I just played my game and tried to relax. It was pretty hot again. I felt like fainting a few times in the coffee shop, but mostly it was ok. The owner came in in the early afternoon, and when it's hot he puts on the AC. Even with it on it was still overly warm most of the day, but at least it cooled down a bit in the evening.

I have an extra work shift in the morning, so that is always helpful. There won't be any morning group either, so that's 3 hours alone. So at least most of the shift it will be quiet.

Guess that's it for today. As always, I hope things change for the better soon.

Day 1888 - 9/1 - Free dinner

Today was ok I guess. I had a work shift, which was mostly solo and quiet due to the holiday weekend. After, I was at the coffee shop playing. When I went to get dinner the person said I had a reward thingy for a free soup, so I used that. That seemed nice. Since I'd been craving fries I got some fries too. But, fooooo I'm so stuffed now. It was too much food.

One odd thing is that from about 7 PM on I've felt off, like there was somewhere I was supposed to be. Like I 'should be going home now'. Or maybe I am supposed to be going to a friend's for a party. I don't know why. There is no party though. There is no home. Nothing has changed, so I don't know what's up with that.

Day 1889 - 9/2 - Hot dog pass

Today I felt very sad. Sooooo many people are poop talking on the game forums. They are complaining about this and that. I keep saying that the developers are aware of the issues and working on them and they will take time to fix. It's been ONLY two weeks now and people are griping that the developers aren't making changes or talking to the testers. It makes me sad. Not just because I love the game, but because of the attitude of the community as a whole. Yes, I get that some of the issues really need to be fixed. But really most of the people just seem... spoiled, or bitter. I feel old that noone seems to be able to have fun for the sake of having fun. They are complaining that they must be rewarded for playing. Which, by the way, is 100% free to download and play. Or they are complaining that the game takes too long. It should be noted the average game takes about 10 minutes. Maybe it's the old-school gamer in me who is used to spending time with a game, and things take a while to change, I don't know. But it makes me feel sad that it seems noone has the patients to wait and so many are demanding rewards for their time spent.

Early in the morning I decided to get a hotdog at the coffee shop for lunch. But when I got there the ass was on shift. He didn't mistreat me today, but neither was he friendly. I suppose if he's going to be a way then neutral is the ideal. But when I saw him I just didn't feel like supporting the shop, and thus, him. I decided to wait until he was off shift and leave and get lunch elsewhere. I don't know why I felt so vengeful or vindictive, I'm not sure which, but I just really didn't feel like supporting him at all in any way.

Oh, the day did start with something scary. The system didn't boot correctly. And after it did, over the next 1.5 hours I had to restart five different times because programs kept going non-responsive, locking up the system. It may be closer to death than not. Though, the rest of the day it seemed ok, so I still hold on to hope.

Day 1890 - 9/3 - Seems hopeful

Today seems normal so far. Someone is in my coffee shop spot, but he's dressed in low level nurse cloths, and I've never seen him before, so I'm sure he'll leave soon.

My system started up normally today, and it's been acting normal for the few minutes it's been on. So, things seem normal and I am hopeful. But I can't fight the feeling that my system may have days or weeks compared to what I once thought were months and that very soon I might again be looking at an indefinate stretch of no gaming.

Comments and stuff Copyright E. Stryker 2008-2013
Pictures for Epic Fail are taken by me. :)

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