PC talk system recommendations blog Facebook YouTube articles and guides links bio
game screensots rabb1t's ramblings podcast email
Epic Fail: The Journal of a Homeless Gamer
Book 6: Fading memories

This is my journal I wrote during the time I was homeless. It is broken up by week for easier reading. Feel free to read it on the web or download the complete .pdf version and print it for reading offline.

Week 311

Day 2171 - 6/11 - Already fading

Today has just recently ended and it's already mostly fading from my memory. I tried to play, but was dropped quite a bit. I watched a few shows because of it. I did my last reading assignment and did this week's podcast, but that's really it.

I got a private shower today. I went earlier than I have been and it was basically empty, so I'll go at that time in the future maybe. It's been a while. I think since Friday. It felt so good to finally be clean.

I don't want much in life. To be able to shower, cook, store food, watch my shows on an HDTV with my surround sound, to be able to play my games on a landline with a regular desktop, and to be able to sleep regular in a bed. Friends would be nice too. It's not much. I don't understand why Fate won't allow m to have those things.

Day 2172 - 6/12 - Pretty good acktually

Today was ok I guess. We had a class with no video watching, which is sad because I learn stuff about technique when we do. But then, I suppose I watch professional shows all the time. We had part of an in class assignment and I don't get this one girl. She comes up with bad ideas that just aren't interesting in terms of a story or that aren't really cohesive in terms of the assignment. Whereas the idea I presented was solid, cohesive, and had options for multiple parts to be added in. But noooooo. She says it sounds 'too complex to shoot' and that it would take 'too long to set up'. I'm like what? You would spend like a minute at most for each 10-15 second shot. It takes me longer to explain it than it would to actually just do it. And she's all 'no, that would take at least 10 minutes per shot.' I'm like are you serious? You think it takes 10 minutes to get 10-15 seconds of footage? She's... insane. Maybe under perfect controllable on-set conditions with professional actors, but certainly not outside on campus for a college project we have like two hours to shoot. She's vastly overcomplicating the project.

Later in the evening I was in one of the labs to hang out and maybe tweak my final project. One guy I knew from the other class I had is a T.A. in this one. I showed him a couple of things for my class I've done and he thought they were super good. He was surprised at how good my final looked when I told him I'd done it all myself on my phone.

I got to play only for a little bit today, but I finished one game I felt was just meh. So that's good. I can get that off my system and move on. Not much really special today other than that.

Day 2173 - 6/13 - The film festival

Once upon a time I was part of a high school theater group. I wasn't actually in any theater classes, so I was sort of an odd helper who did grip work (fixing and setting up) and sort of moved things around in the background during productions and helped calm/call the actors to their spots. I was part of something that was greater than me, yet I was still an outsider, never invited to the after parties or special gatherings.

Tonight there was a film festival of like 15 student movies. The longest was 10 minutes, but most were 3-5. For the first time since those high school days long ago I felt the theater come alive. I could feel the excitement of a live performance (though it was filmed) in a small community again. I could tell those who had movies showing, for the most part, had that connectedness of being part of something.

I didn't know I'd missed that so much. But then, that really shouldn't be surprising, as I've wanted to be a part of something my whole life. Not just any part though. A part where I am special, different, maybe even unique, and waned and liked for those qualities. I have always wanted to be one of those who people applaud in both appreciation and acknowledgement because I genuinely mean something to them.

Not counting what I've done for my class so far, nor this sad story and the short stories included, I haven't written or really created anything new in probably 20 years. Maybe now is the right time. Maybe now, returning to that creativity is finally the right path. Maybe I can return to the stage, as it were, and maybe I will finally find those things I always thought I would.

But, as always, I wonder ... is it too late? While some of the students were older, the highest connectedness and recognition were with those who were young. And now in particular, when I don't even have the resources to play games online a few hours without disconnecting, how will I ever find the recources to be a part of any other world?

Day 2174 - 6/14 - Drop-a-lot

Today was pretty bad for connectivity. Again the coffee shop was dropping every few minutes. It got so bad at one point I considered leaving and going to school to at least be able to watch shows undisturbed. I may have to consider that tomorrow.

Monday I'll have just about a normal day. I guess the person covering can't do it, so I get my regular Monday back. That would be nice. It's one of the few almost totally stable connections I get. Unless it's been shut down for the summer, which would be terribly sad.

Pretty much a sad lonely day, yet again wondering if I've missed all my opportunity windows in my life.

Day 2175 - 6/15 - Movies on my mind

Today was mostly a play day. I say mostly due to the number of times I dropped and had to reconnect. I guess though, even though I did drop and spent a lot of the time disconnected, sad, and frustrated, it was mostly ok.

I find myself preoccupied though with thoughts of movies. Various projects I am considering ideas for, projects I could have done for assignments, and ones I may do on my own during the summer if I kept the $30 a month software subscription. But what I miss most is the community - that group of people who share a passion and a part of being something bigger than just themselves. But I don't want to push myself in. I don't want to be an outsider trying to prove myself. I want to be invited. I want there to be real friends who really do care about my being involved.

And, as with everything else in my life, I don't know that I'll ever have that. I could join the film club, sure. But I would not be invited. There would likely be people I don't like and don't get along with. And even if there were, I would likely be much older than everyone, and as such, I doubt people would really want me around.

I may try though. I may yet find a community which accepts me. I may yet find friends and people who share my passions. But until then I am just me. And I don't have anything; not a real camera, not actors to film, no locations, and no props. As always lately I have nothing. And despite what my heart may want, it seems unlikely I will be welcomed to a place where I can have it.

Day 2176 - 6/16 - Nearing the end of class

Today was sad. I briefly got to play my online game because the network was unstable. Some of it was because I just couldn't stay connected, but part was on purpose because I have somehow lost a ton of in game money. I thought I had like 14 gold, but today I noticed I only had 6. Each death costs money in repairs, so I can only guess that all of my deaths yesterday from disconnections cost me several hours of income. So, on days like today, when it's really unstable, it seems unlikely I'll be able to play anything online.

Today is also sad because tomorrow is one of the last classes for my fun class. There is one day after, and then the final, and that's it. While I can certainly consider continuing making videos on my own, it would be just that, alone. While class offered no location or props, there was a chance for actors or help. I don't know if there is much I could do alone outside of nature pieces. I mean, sure, I've made some fun stuff on my own, but really everything in mind I have for ideas would require props, locations, or people, or a combination of those things.

Anyways, I'm sad. For the first time in a very long time everything I did in class was fun, and at least to some degree, in some cases to a large degree, I was happy with what I produced. I can't think of any other class I've had where I made something and can genuinely say that. (Save or one part of one day in a child development class where I made a tiny clay bunny. His poor ears have broken off since then, when I'm in a home I'll have to glue them back on, but I love my little clay bunny. ) I will miss class when it's gone. Though I will give consideration to keeping the software license active.

Day 2177 - 6/17 - So much congestion

Today I had a good sleep and got up pretty easily, which was nice. I'm super congested and sneezy though. I have been for the past few days. My eyes stopped being sensitive and torn up on the bottom lid, but they are a bit warm feeling. I would guess it's just allergies, but it may be a cold.

Today should be pretty good, but likely uneventful. I have class, which will probably be half video watching and half our last in-class shooting assignment. And that's it really. I don't think there is a movie to watch in the evening, so the rest of my day will likely be uneventful and meh.

Week 312

Day 2178 - 6/18 - Kind of invited

Today my heart felt strange. It's like it feels congested and broken at the same time. More and more lately I feel tired, worn out, and broken.

Yesterday I had kind of a surprise. When I was getting dinner I saw the person from the last film class that I mentioned that saw my stuff. He kind of invited me to join the film club. It is apparently around 20 people, which sounds kind of big. And every now and then they get together to make a something. I am... I guess you could say tentatively and hesitantly excited. On the one hand it's super cool he seems to want to be more friendly and invite me to do something fun. On the other I am very concerned about me. I am so fragile lately, and in general unwanted by people. I would be very afraid of being hurt. College people typically aren't interested in being around me, let alone being my friend. Though he seems a bit older than most, I'd guess closer to 25 than not, I still worry. I'll probably see him late afternoon tomorrow, so I'll know more in time.

Mostly though I tried to relax today. I didn't get to very much. The connection kept crashing, preventing me from really doing much online. I think of the probably six hours I would have liked to be online and playing I was probably lucky if I got half that much time.

Things seem very sad lately, and I feel I am more likely to become a ghost like in a recent video I made then I am to live happily ever after.

Day 2179 - 6/19 - Last regular day

Today as the last regular day of class. It was pretty sad. I'm still considering continuing on my own, and still considering joining the film club thing. I would still like to know more about the people in it and what they do before committing.

I feel weird with my games. It seems like I hardly play lately. I guess it's mostly due to the failure to have a stable connection, and as such a stable life. But it feels like games I used to play regularly haven't been played, nor have I had time to, in quite a while. I guess as I am sad about not doing well, or my time with them is interrupted or lost, I feel more sad about them overall, and so I play less. I guess starting, well, now, I'll have a lot more time to play for the next two and a half months. But again, the connectivity is the real question.

My heart still feels odd... broken... missing. So many of the things I regularly did are not being done lately due to increasing instablity in my life. And I know, even if they were to stabalize, they must do so in an unfamiliar and at least partly undesireable way. And as such stability will require further instability.

Day 2180 - 6/20 - Hardly played

Today was disappointing. While I did get to play a game in the morning I don't often get to play, by as early as 11 AM the connection was so bad I could barely stay connected at all. At 3 I gave up and just went to school. Surprisingly the little script lab room was open, so I stayed in there and just watched a couple of shows.

I find my mind wandering to possible film project things I could do. Practice things for myself. But too I wonder; what would I be practicing for? I have noone to make movies for. I have no home, so filming gameplay for game reviews and stuff isn't an option. And again, I'm just me, with no location, props, actors, or anything. So what I could film would be extremely limited. As exciting as the opportunity seems, it feels like I would quickly hit a dead end and become sad. I guess we'll see. I will have to ponder it more. At $30 a month the subscription isn't completely out of the realm of possibility, but I fear I wouldn't have enough material to make something every few weeks to a month to be worth it.

Day 2181 - 6/21 - Fast day of nothing

Today was a fast day of nothing. I got to the coffee shop and did a bit of tweaking to class assignments, watched some shows, and played my games... at least as much as the connection allowed. It was still pretty sad, but the lower population helped to keep it more stable than it has been lately.

I didn't do anything with friends, as I have none. I didn't do anything with a sweetie, because I have none. It was a day that, when over, seemed to have passed fairly quickly, with very little to show for it. As I regretted the lack of what did not happen, I am forced to accept it because I have no choice. And the odd part is, in a home, with a choice, it would have seemed sadder. Even without a choice, in a home there would at least be potential. And the sad reality of my homeless life is; because I am homeless and these things were not possible, today was not all that sad. It simply was just another day.

Day 2182 - 6/22 - Kinda boring

Today was somewhat better for connectivity. I played my online game, but I actually watched shows more than anything else. In part that was due to my instability. But also, in a way, my new online game is actually kind of boring. While it is pretty fun and there are lots of cool stories to see, there is an overall sameness to most of the quests. And, since I'm just me with no guild and not enough stability to do dungeons, it just seems kind of boring. I'll most definitely stick with it for at least a few months, but as I originally predicted, it seems unlikely that I'd stick with it more than a few months with the way things are.

Maybe too I'm just becoming more and more sad about my life as we near the end of the final month of year six. It seems I am truly alone in nearly everything, and even if I could recover financially it seems like it may be too late for me to recover in other ways. I may make temporary new friends through class, but when class is over and I stop seeing them they seem to move on with no more interest in me.

I feel like I'm in an odd place though. In a way I don't want these young twenty somethings following me because of our age difference. Yet in terms of the things I do, the things I enjoy, and my overall outlook of most things, I am closer to them and don't want to be around people 'my age'.

Again, I find myself falling through the cracks to fit neither here nor there.

Day 2183 - 6/23 - Happy wave

Today was mostly sad. The coffee shop connection was completely terrible. I couldn't really play or watch anything without it hanging or popping. So I really only got to play an offline game for a few hours. I guess mostly my time was peaceful and quiet though, so that was ok.

It seems my mind has been made for me in regards to keeping the video editing software license. I got an email saying thanks for the renewal, so I guess the auto renewal hit. So I've got it for another 30 days at least. Maybe I'll think of some places to go to do some stuff, or at least do some test stuff. Again, I'm really concerned that since I'll be alone with no resource doing stuff basically just for me that I'll quickly run out of stuff to do.

In sort of the mid afternoon the connection got so bad I gave up on the coffee shop. I had my laundry with me, so I went to do that. After, I went to the script writing lab at school, because at least the school connection is stable. On my way out I peeked in on a class. My professor has a Monday class and they were there. There was no video going, so it looked like they were talking about stuff. She saw me peeking in the door window and smiled and waved. Like I said before I think we would be decent friends, but I doubt I will ever hear from her for anything like that. It's so rare professors genuinely become lasing friends, or more, with students. I'd guess she's about 10 years younger than me, and even though she only moved here a year ago, I'm sure she has plenty of friends and isn't looking for more.

The friendly wave kind of completely turned my day around. Which is sad that something so small can do that because of how much sadness there is in my life. Coming up on another end of a fail year I feel extra sad. And although I know my new creative outlet will help me bounce back a bit it seems I am still just as lonely and alone as I ever was, and that happy life I felt was once possible continues to elude me and become more and more a dream of days past.

Day 2184 - 6/24 - Odd day

Today will be an odd day, I'm sure. There is no class until Friday, so this will be the first Tuesday with no class in several months.

I'm still trying to think up what to do for video things. There may be another game tournament to cover locally, but the phone is pretty bad in low light conditions, so it likely wouldn't be very good footage. Plus, there would be just a bunch of crowd noise. You wouldn't be able to hear anything.

Feeling pretty sad. Seems like there will be nothing to look forward to today. I will probably be able to play offline, but online might be plagued with disconnects, interrupting both playing and show watching. I may go to school to connect there if it gets bad, but that's it for today. Nothing I can count on, nad no real privacy or control over anything.

Comments and stuff Copyright E. Stryker 2008-2014
Pictures for Epic Fail are taken by me. :)

flash required for the logo
best viewed at 1280 wide resolution or higher