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Epic Fail: The Journal of a Homeless Gamer
Book 6: Fading memories

This is my journal I wrote during the time I was homeless. It is broken up by week for easier reading. Feel free to read it on the web or download the complete .pdf version and print it for reading offline.

Week 283

Day 1975 - 11/27 - Jibba jabba

Today was ok, though I'm getting upset at this guy who I'm fairly certain is not homeless being in my spot every day. I don't understand why a student would come to the coffee shop, mess around for 5 hours, go to one class, then come back and mess around for hours more. Why don't you just stay at home?! Are you lying to your parents about how many classes you are taking or something?

It was a pretty regular day, though I did get my podcast out in the morning so people could have it early.

I did sort of flirt. The beautiful girl was there again. She sat across the room from me. There were a few snuck glances and smiles back and forth. Once I smiled and giggled when she stretched all big. At one point the 'crazy Frenchman' had been sitting next to her. It's been years since I talked about him, but he was the guy who told me once that he wasn't interested in working and making 150k a year because of the politics of his job and how he hated America for that and wanted to move to France. Anyways... I was worried for her because I saw him talking to her and she was doing the polite barely replying thing. I was about to make a note to tell her to run, but he finally stopped. A bit later he had gone out to smoke or whatever. I went over to her on my way to the bathroom to pee and said in a silly whispered way, 'he's crazy. He will go on and on forever. Don't talk to him if you can avoid it.' She smiled and giggled and nodded. She left a bit later and smiled and waved bye to me. I saw her on my way out hours later and noticed she'd come back again, but wasn't in my area. I remember now, she almost always wears combat boots or other boots, which seems odd because she's got a thin model figure and dresses reasonably conservative / mainstream. But I do remember now she's a regular and would often be there twice a day, implying she comes between classes.

But the day was pretty regular outside of my until noon grrr at that guy for being in my spot and the afternoon smiles the beautiful / attractive girl brought me.

Tomorrow will hopefully be ok. I'll try to get some Turkey and a single serving pie. But other than that I expect it will be like any other day off.

Day 1976 - 11/28 - Sad turkey

Today was sadder than I thought it would be. As the day went on and there remained only a few people at the coffee shop I felt more and more out of place. Not out of place for being there, but out of place in life. Out of place in that, even if I were still alone, I should at least be in some kind of home with a regular job and regular days off.

It wasn't all bad though I suppose. There was a silly marathon that was on that I watched. And the beautiful girl showed up and sat next to me after pondering where to sit. She kept to herself though. There was zero sign of flirting, though she still seemed unusually smiley. I heard her talking in what sounded like a Slavic language, I'd guess Russian. That might explain why she is more friendly towards people that she sees in passing than most. Most Americans tend to be super private and to themselves, while Europeans are a lot more open, friendly, and chat with people they see even just semi-regularly in passing. I suppose since she's shown no interest it doesn't really matter though.

Today I tried my best to immerse myself in what I could do to distract myself from being sad. For the most part I suppose it worked. But, as always, this is another big reminder of yet another empty holiday. And more than not, an empty one while I am homeless.

Day 1977 - 11/29 - Guess things were ok

Today was ok I guess. I wasn't super sad. Sad, but less sad then yesterday. But nothing happened to improve my life. Things stayed the same, for good or for bad.

Day 1978 - 11/30 - Gum taking over

Today I feel very sad. For a while now I've been sad and on edge (getting angry easily.) I think maybe on some level I've been thinking about something sub-consciously. I noticed today that my favorite tooth, ruined 15 years ago by that dentist, has now eroded down almost completely. The recently sharp edges are no longer sharp. They are now matched to the gum line and soft. Or at least softened by the surrounding gum. Soon, maybe I'd guess in a few years, there will be no evidence of a tooth there save for a gap. I've heard the body absorbs tooth fragments, so hopefully it will decay peacefully to the point of just finally being fully absorbed.

It makes me very sad, as it is the one thing which, even if I do recover, can never be recovered. I can buy new stuff. I can replace stuff that was lost. In time, my nightmares would stop and I would return to normal thoughts once more. But my teeth, my body, what was lost will likely never fully recover.

Day 1979 - 12/1 - Sad and happy

Today I am sad and I guess a bit happy too. This morning I had an extra work shift, so that's helpful. But when I got to the crowd at the coffee shop, and everyone was being busy, I had to sit in a spot that's not my regular one, the bandwidth was lagging horribly bad, people were sick and sneezing and sniffling; I became more and more saddened that my life is not normal.

Even trying to play and relax didn't work. For some reason in my game, where I normally win 40-60% of the time I lost, I think, every single game. For like 1.5-2 hours straight. It was extremely discouraging to say the least. And again, with everything else sad in my life I was on the verge of tears that the one thing I'm usually ok at I was failing at as well.

I did set up my class for next quarter. In fact, I was instantly accepted. There was no waiting for seats. There was no wait list. Just bam, I'm in. Hopefully this is a sign of good things to come. I will be happy to get back into a field which is at least somewhat related to art. I've never been great with it, but the cold pure logic of the computer classes was really getting to me. While I love logic and rational thought, I have always been driven by passion. I suppose that is my one weakness. You can always count on me to take the passionate action, no matter how logical the execution seems.

Also, I gathered up my PlayStation 3 stuff for the not-sis and her family. I was supposed to purge some stuff off there, but I decided not to in the dark. (That's how that screw got lost in my new laptop and I'll always worry all the time until I see it actually come out. I've not heard it since that first night, so I'm hoping it's wedged against a plastic connection/sealing point.) While it's very sad to see something so loved go, particularly since I drove to every store in a several mile radius several times a week to find it at launch, I am glad someone will appreciate it. Since I should be able to get my PlayStation 4 after my next paycheck - whenver some come in stock - I'm happy to pass on my old one to someone who will use it. (I've decided to say F the tax people since I should owe nothing and it takes them months to reply.)

All I can do is hope those are the right steps. While I should have a bit more than 40 years left in this life, the reality is that with everything bad in my life I really can't say how badly that may get cut short. I may yet get my 40+ years, but it may be half that, or quarter, or 40 months, or 40 weeks, or even 40 days. Maybe living just for today, being as happy as I can try to be, while keeping just a little hope that tomorrow will be a better day will be the best path forward. Even if I don't know where that path leads.

Day 1980 - 12/2 - My spot

Today is another sad day. I feel somewhat defeated. Again that ass was in my spot at the coffee shop for the first 3 hours I was there. Again when I left to go to do laundry and work I noticed he'd come back after only being gone a few hours. I really don't get why someone who is obviously not homeless would waste so much time in a public place when he could instead be having a better time at home.

It made me think about my own life. How if my life were in control this wouldn't even be an issue. Noone would take my spot. I wouldn't have to explain to someone trying to take it that I'd been waiting for it for hours, and rationalize its importance and difference compared to the spot I was in. I woulnd't be too cold, too hot, blasted by incessant music, or exposed to people with colds. In my own place I wouldn't be bothered by connection issues because there wouldn't be any.

I suppose I have nothing to complain about. In the early days of being homeless I'd have loved nothing more than to have what I have now. But now, having that one small bit more, it seems I miss the basic comforts of home even more.

Day 1981 - 12/3 - Xmas spirit

Today I feel ok so far. For some reason I got up 15 minutes before my alarm went off. Maybe it's because it's a touch warmer and I slept well. There was no frost at all on my car this morning when I got up, and that's a first in probably over a month. Last night when I left work it was totally covered. Maybe it's going to rain.

I should have money for my PlayStation 4 in a week and a few days when I'm paid again. I'm debating if I really want to try and get one as soon as I can, or if I should just wait until after Xmas. Though it's more a gift for a teen than a young child, the thought of one not having one at Xmas and crying and being sad is very sad to me. Since Xmas has completely lost meaning to me since I've become homeless I don't really need one right away since it's only a few weeks from now, and what I want to play won't be out for months. I remember a few Xmas times growing up when I didn't get what I wanted and cried. There was even one year dad took away all the presents. I would say there are probably few things someone could do to make a child feel more unloved. That's a feeling that never goes away. I know some can't afford it, and that makes me very sad thinking some children out there don't even get one gift. I encourage everyone to donate if you can during this time. Some malls have a giving tree thing where you can pick a gift and go buy it, and some places take donations. If you have a few spare dollars please consider helping out those little ones who may otherwise have nothing this year.

Week 284

Day 1982 - 12/4 - Party of one

Today I was pretty sad. I've actually been sad quite a bit lately. I don't think it's directly because of the holidays, but more so indirectly because of how I have to spend them. Today while waiting to pee someone chatted with me. He asked if I did all of my shopping yet. I replied I don't need to do that, as I have noone to buy stuff for. He said that was probably a positive and negative thing. He has 8 kids, and 12 grandkids, and one great grandkid. That just kind of made me sad. At this point it's already unlikely I'll raise kids. Even if someone I got together with did have kids they would likely be fully grown up and moved out, or close to it.

I don't know if I'll ever have a family. I don't know at this point if I'll ever return to being in a home again. And I don't really know why, or what I may have done wrong; other than not kissing people's butt, not stabbing anyone in the back to get ahead, wanting to be appreciated for my skills and being me, and never settling for something that wasn't what I really wanted.

Day 1983 - 12/5 - Shoe laces

Today nothing really special happened. My shoe laces were getting super messed up on one though, so I went to get new ones. When I put my boots back on I noticed they stayed a lot more snug. They didn't slip when tightening, and they stayed how I put them for a lot longer; pretty much the whole time I wore them. I wonder if that has been the reason my feet have been hurting recently. I guess I may know more in time. I stopped using the squishy pads. While nice, they really just caused my feet to hurt in a different way. I'll keep them though, just in case. Maybe after a week if the laces do help my feet will stop hurting.

Day 1984 - 12/6 - Not the one

Today I felt sad for most of the day. I'm not the only MVP in my game anymore. Now there are about four more they added in the past week. Part of me feels relieved. I don't feel so much pressure to do so much in terms of support for the community. But at the same time I feel less special, less appreciated, and no longer needed or important.

In the evening I had some movies for watching during work. One was super fun and made me smile and laugh, far more than I expected it would. It really is the little things in life that keep me happy; a fun movie, having bare feet, being warm, cooking foods, taking a slightly hot shower, snuggling in bed, particularly after just washing the sheets that day. But I don't have so many things in life which are basic that I could enjoy. I guess at least this one I can still have, at least in part. It may not be on a big screen, nor with my surround sound. I can just have a laptop screen and headphones, but I guess that has to be enough for now. Because now may be all I have left.

Day 1985 - 12/7 - Feeling lonely

Today I felt lonely and sad all day. I really miss having friends, and even more so ones I see in person who I play games with; particularly those where I can do funny accents and act out a bit, like role playing games, or board games. Most of today I just played my online game for a bit, watched some shows, and that was about it.

My friend who I haven't seen in forever was on and asked if I wanted to come play something. I had to install it though, as I didn't expect to play stuff with her again (and it's not something I'd play on my own) ever since the whole her husband isn't my friend thing. I think it has been since then that I've seen her. It feels like that was almost a year ago now, but it probably really hasn't been more than 6 months.

I am very tired feeling all the time. I am very sad feeling about my weight and the bad shape I'm in. And I'm feeling very lonely. But I wonder, even without my sad restrictions, would that really change?

Day 1986 - 12/8 - Twice frozen daily

Today was so cold. Recently the temperature has been dropping ridiculously low in the evenings and stay that way most of the day. For the past few days my hands and feet have been getting numb at night and in the mornings. I'm still sneaking in to a sanctuary to sleep, so they are only exposed for brief times. But it's pretty ridiculously cold in my area. And it's not usally this cold for another month.

I was pretty sad today. I've been so very sad lately about all my things. I got some cookies to cheer me up. They do a pretty good job, but they aren't my favorite ones. They can only be done with an oven, as they are from a pre-made mix. Such a simple thing, fresh warm cookies, but I can't have them.

Day 1987 - 12/9 - Friend work, no more

Today I was pretty depressed all day. I guess it started when I woke up for no reason about two hours earlier than I had to. Thankfully I got back to sleep, but I lost 30-45 minutes of sleep for no reason other than possibly stress. I just feel sad and lost and like I'll never get into a better position no matter what I do. Change coming from within, at least in my position, seems to be untrue.

In the afternoon some people were indirectly talking poop about me, so again I feel unappreciated and unwelcome by that community. I don't know why there is so much dislike for my help lately.

In the evening I was talking with my friend I do the online work for. She wanted to escalate things, which would be slightly more money, but I'd no longer be dealing with her. Instead I'd be dealing with her boss, and doing more stuff. I decided to pass. Even though that is fair amount of income, I don't put it in my budget. And, it's gone on so long I thought I'd have stopped long ago.

As always I hope for the future, but what I see reflected in my present doesn't seem promising.

Day 1988 - 12/10 - Feeling positive

Today I feel a bit more awake than normal, and a bit happier. Though, it is again colder, and today I should be taking the final for my class. I've decided to pass and not go, as I'd need a 100% just to breach into the D- category in points. Since I got about a 45% on the mid-term I don't see it as possible. It's the first time I've ever failed a class. And it's probably only the third thing in my whole life I've had to give up on. (The greatest of which was the possibility of my now ex-wife changing.)

I feel like today will work out for me. I suppose it will, in that I'm now in my spot and will likely be here all day doing whatever on my laptop. Will my life change for the better? Well, despite feeling it may, despite the lotto being about 300 million tonight, it is more likely today will be just another homeless day with no change or anything different.

Comments and stuff Copyright E. Stryker 2008-2013
Pictures for Epic Fail are taken by me. :)

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