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Epic Fail: The Journal of a Homeless Gamer
Book 6: Fading memories

This is my journal I wrote during the time I was homeless. It is broken up by week for easier reading. Feel free to read it on the web or download the complete .pdf version and print it for reading offline.


Week 273

Day 1905 - 9/18 - Again craving salt

Today was ok I guess. I think more went right than wrong. I don't really clearly remember any of it, save for a certain post I put in the forms, two new comedy shows I watched, and recording my podcast.

I have plans to deliver my old computer and printer that have been in the ex-house storage to a friend that lost his. It will take probably an hour or two to unbury. Though I can see the box, a lot is in the way of actually getting it out. When I put it in years ago, it was easy access. I could have grabbed it in a few minutes. But the ex-roomie just piles up stuff in there and never gets rid of anything. He's got server junk in there that's like 20 years old at this point. It's fine though. Honestly the only part still useable due to its age is the case. While not cheap, it's only about $100 for a new case. The rest is so old I'd have no use for it. Sad really. My laptop, especially once I get a new one, would be way more powerful. So, it's a good thing that someone will be able to get some use out of the old system. He can probably even just give it to his little ones when he can afford to replace it with something new. Odds are when I can get re-established it will take me so long to find someone who would trust my bad credit that I can just build a whole new desktop from the extra money I'd have saved over that time. So, I'll dig that out on the weekend, then make the couple hour drive over there on Tuesday.

I guess that's really it. I seem to still be craving salt, but other than that and being depressed about all the things my life is still the same.

Day 1906 - 9/19 - Seemed small

Today was ok, a bit of a mixed bag. I had a hard time sleeping last night. I don't think I got to sleep until after 2. And then, for some reason, I woke up immediately when my alarm went off. Normally I rest for nearly an hour before leaving my hiding spot, so that was more sleep lost.

I had an ok time playing my game, though I had to cut my time very short because the mouse button was failing, causing me to mis-click a lot. I still had that same mouse in storage from back in the day when they sent me an extra for an RMA, so I grabbed that before work.

When I was at the ex-house I checked for any reply from the IRS. There was no letter, which hopefully is a good sign. My ex-roomie opened up the door and we chatted about things for a bit. I was curious why the kitties weren't trying to go out and she showed me where they were lazily sitting. It seemed odd. I've been in the ex-house a few times since I left, and nothing has been changed or moved in probably the last 10 years, but the rooms felt really small, far smaller than I remember from even my last visit probably less than 6 months ago. It struck me as odd that the place felt so small, almost cramped. I'd never felt that way before, particularly when I was living there. How strange that my perception and feelings have changed so much.

Day 1907 - 9/20 - Appriciation elsewhere

Today was pretty good socially. The forums I'm an MVP on seemed to have a few threads where people were thankful or appreciative of my comments, so that was good. On another form that I'm chatting on I'd sent an idea for a discussion topic to the forum moderator person and she thought it was a super good idea and good points that she would bring up to the other devs. So, we may see something on that in the future.

Sadly, today wasn't a very good day for gaming. My laptop showed 80% not charging all day, and while it got up to 95% at work it got that weird error on the C disk and had to do a DOS style check. It seemed ok after, and I got my podcast posted and all, but still I worried. Also, the connection at the coffee shop has been pretty bad lately. I lost connection probably a dozen times, and a dozen yesterday too. So I really wasn't able to have much fun, as it kept dropping my game every 30-45 minutes.

I tried searching for jobs, but again, there was nothing to be found. I'm so very sad about my life, but it seems at the rate I'm going I'll never get an opportunity to try and make it better.

Day 1908 - 9/21 - Not this week

Today was ok, but not what I thought it would be. For a while now I've been thinking today is the day I was covering an 8 hour shift for someone. But, when I got to work, it was already open and there was a person there. I guess I was supposed to do that next week. I was, however, still supposed to cover an extra shift today at the other gym later in the day, so I did still have work today.

In the extra time I didn't work in the morning I went back to the coffee shop. I did forum stuff and played for a bit, as well as after work. I got a post in a thread thanking me for the help, as well as someone wishing me well in that I become not homeless and recover quickly. So that was nice.

I was extra hungry today. I got a second lunch. I have been feeling a bit feverish and still sneezy. Also, I've been super tired. I think if I were in a home I'd be getting a lot of extra sleep. But, because of my sad life, as well as having the extra shifts, I've been getting the opposite. I've been extra stressed from losing sleep at night. Paired with extra morning work lately, I've been low on sleep.

Not much I can do about things though except to just try to keep going one day at a time.

Day 1909 - 9/22 - Headache

Today was ok overall I suppose. Work in the morning was fine, though the showers are cold. The hot water seems to be broken in the whole building. I watched some movies at work. I played for a bit after. And that was it really. All day I had a pretty bad headache. I don't know if that is due to the lingering cold or stress. (Both my eyes seem to be having that stress eye twitch lately.) Either way, do not want.

Day 1910 - 9/23 - Tap on the shoulder

Today was ok I guess. It was better than expected. I decided to stay at the coffee shop in the morning and go to class later since it's not until 1:30. Some days I may go straight to school in the morning and sleep in, then do whatever, but as I said before I don't really feel comfortable on campus anymore. The morning time was ok and I played my game and checked forums. I went to school a bit early to have lunch. I was disappointed by my pizza slice. It used to be soft and fluffy, and I'd forgotten now it's flat and relatively tasteless. I asked once when I first noticed the change and I guess an outside vendor makes it and they ship it in. They only cook it there, so it's not something the school controls.

As I was eating and pondering all the young people, the possibilities of their futures, thinking and hoping that most turn out ok, how statistically a few will probably wind up very well off due to their jobs, and sad that a few will also likely wind up like me, I felt a soft tap on my shoulder. Surprise! It was someone who used to work at the restaurant. We chatted a bit about why I stopped going. I guess she eventually got fired for something that was outside of her control. It was nice to see a friendly face.

During class we were supposed to introduce ourselves and say something personal. I mentioned I do a podcast as my thing. During the break a few people came up to talk to me about it. We talked about various gaming stuff for a bit. I went to my site to see what I've talked about recently, the main person talking to me didn't seem to know any of the games I've played recently, and I was reminded that I've talked mostly just about movies lately, heh. After class those people left pretty quickly. There is a cutie in the class that I kind of flirted with, so that was nice. It wasn't much more than regular chat, but that's about as close to flirting as I get, heh. I don't expect anything will come of that though. The teacher seems nice though, as well as seeming super patient and flexible. So hopefully if I start to struggle with the material again she would be more accommodating than the last.

Oh, in other potentially good news I re-checked my budget after doing my time card. Due to some extra hours I've gotten lately it looks like my replacement laptop may be able to happen around Turkey day weekend, a full month and a half ahead of previously scheduled. That's good news because today again the laptop went funny when I unplugged it. It didn't act oddly, but it did drop to about 60% battery charge in 10 seconds and again show the 'replace your battery' warning. So again, I worry that's going to mean system death sooner rather than later. Hopefully I can continue to hang on to that income and get it replaced ASAP.

Today was less bad than expected and had a few nice surprises. But still, most of all I'd prefer to be in a home, and free to live a happy rabb1t life.

Day 1911 - 9/24 - The long drive

Today is the long drive. The map says it will be 1.5 hours to get to my friend's, but I'll guess it will be closer to 2 if I avoid traffic.

It will be odd seeing yet another person I haven't seen in 15 years. Besides not having any social connections to meet people I've never really understood why I never meet new people and make new friends. While I do seem to reconnect with the people I knew, they typically seem to move on and disappear fairly quickly again.

Probably won't be much to say about the day, so I didn't want people to wait all day for the week with nothing of interest expected to happen today. So I'll just drop this onto teh Internets and get ready to go. If there is anything of interest I can always edit it in, or people can hear about things next week.

Week 274

Day 1912 - 9/25 - Getting a bit chilly

Today I feel a bit chilly. It's been getting chilly at night and mornings for a while now. During the day it's still pretty warm, but today it was breezy. And in the evening I was getting chilly to the point I sort of wanted my hoodie.

Yesterday was pretty good. I grabbed my old desktop and headed out in the later morning, around 9:30 I think. I didn't wind up getting the car loaded and I needed to put some oil in it, so I didn't really get going until 10. Sadly my friend had to run out to do an errand. So he didn't show up until nearly an hour after I'd gotten there. But things got set up quickly enough. The system started up and seemed ok. We had to laugh though because there was a naked girl on the background. hehe It was like yikes! Oops. I uninstalled what he wouldn't need, cleaned up things a bit, and it was set up and running tests by about 1. We went out to get some food and stuff and came back. I grabbed him a free to play game he said he was interested in, as well as loading up the stuff he'd need for Hearthstone. It was running well and I was having fun checking things and doing my daily while stuff updated in the background. Suddenly there was a horrible crash. We had to force shut down. I started up the game again and it happened after 5 minutes. I started to get very worried and decided just to ignore it since he couldn't play yet. I let him do general setup stuff. It seemed fine for about an hour. Then we tested the free-to-play game. By the time I'd left about half an hour later it had been running fine. So the issues seemed restricted to Hearthstone, which could just be the state of the beta.

Since then he's been doing various things and he said it's been fine, so that's awesome. Hopefully he can do all the things and we can eventually get him updated to current drivers and running 100% fine.

Today I'm very tired. I had a pretty bad headache. My eyes hurt. I wish I could have slept in in a bed.

My phone updated to a new operating system. There are so many things I don't like about the changes, and nothing I do. I wish it could go back to the old look and old design. I don't know why they forced the change on everyone. It's bad and ugly.

All I want is to curl up in a bed and go to sleep until I feel better. Sad life is sad.

Day 1913 - 9/26 - Sore feet and calves

Today my body hurts. I still don't know exactly why my feet and calves kill me wherever I go anywhere but they are getting really bad. It really must just be this extra 40 pounds I've been carrying around the past few years. If you think about it, that's a ton of weight, especially when it's like a 25% increase to my previous total weight. I've really got to strive to do my mini-workouts to get back down. Diet seems to be having zero effect.

I have been pretty sad about that lately. So sad, in fact, that I watched a movie tonight instead of leaving the whole work shift for editing my podcast. I just didn't feel like editing all night. I was too sad, which is very sad, because I love doing my podcast stuff. And when you feel sad doing stuff you love you know you are in trouble.

Day 1914 - 9/27 - Appriciation and advanced plan

Today was pretty good. I had to do some car stuff in the morning, but that went quick enough. I really needed to do it a bit ago, but there was that holiday weekend and then I just kept forgetting.

After, I got to spend most of my day at the coffee shop playing. I got emails from someone asking about my podcasting stuff, so that helped him I think. And someone from the forums chatted with me a bit and expressed how happy he was that I am on the forums, as I'm one of the few who doesn't poop talk others and he agrees with most of my posts. He also felt sad when he found out I was homeless, so that was nice to hear someone wishing me well.

Tomorrow is the big shift. Hopefully there will be a movie or two to grab. I suppose I will try and do the first class assignment. I've got an 8 hour shift, and 5 hours on Sunday, so that should be plenty of time to get the homework stuff done before it's due on Wednesday.

I got a pretty huge donation from some people that came to my work, so I can put that towards the new laptop. Pushing stuff around, if the numbers are all correct, it's extremely possible if I'm impossibly careful that I could get it next paycheck. If I'm only moderately careful I should be able to get it the paycheck after in three weeks. Which is way sooner than originally estimated. These extra shifts have helped a lot. Part of me feels I should hang on and not upgrade just yet, citing that, for the most part, it's been fine plugged in. But then too I remember times where I unplugged it for literally 5 seconds and the battery dropped 40%. Plus, there are all the recent DOS style disk checks on startup. And it's a pain to use my netbook for recording. So, yeah, if I were in worse shape I'd likely hang on as long as I could. But since it seems ok, my extra shifts have now worked out that I can get it and have a few hundred saved up where before at that point in time it would have been zero. I think it should be ok. Besides, with my friend crashing sometimes on my old desktop system I feel bad. This will get him a very solid gaming system, at least until it dies. It hasn't had any crashes or failed to play a game in probably more than a year. (Not counting that recent DOS style check it ran.) And I know it has no issues with basically the three games he's most interested in playing.

I'm still so very tired. And my feet hurt so very much. Maybe my luck will turn around and I'll win tonights huge lottery.

Day 1915 - 9/28 - Long day

Today was a long day, but it went pretty quick. I had work all day, then only a few hours to play. I played my game and I watched a new show.

I should have done some homework stuff, but I just didn't feel like it. I still feel sad most of the time. Lately I've felt very tired. I am so tired of my sad life. I just want to be free to do what I enjoy.

Day 1916 - 9/29 - Want to move forward

Today I've been very sad. I guess work went ok. But yesterday and today I didn't at all feel like doing school homework stuff. I want to move on. I'm beginning to feel like the last 14 years of my going to school and getting something that could get me into a better position in life has just been a total waste of time. I haven't gotten a better job because of my school classes. In fact, I haven't even gotten an interview because of them. And now, now I'm in a totally tough, not at all enjoyable class, because it's a pre-requisite for everything else.

I want so very much to quit school. I want to drop and stop going. I want to have an at least ok job, be in a home, and make enough I don't have to worry about the school loan people coming after me. I want to move on with my life. So much of it has been stuck in place unable to move for so long I am beginning to forget what living is.

Day 1917 - 9/30 - Can't do it

Today I feel very sad and incapable of doing anything right. I tried the homework that is due Wednesday and after 2-3 hours I barely got it into a fake format. It doesn't work. It's full of errors. And I find myself in the same position as before, feeling lost, or if I could do it that it would take at least four times longer than everyone else.

I wish I wasn't incapable of doing something that I enjoy. I love my rabb1t life, but without winning lottery money I don't see any way to achieve that. Even just being truly successful in the gaming industry at all is tough. Only maybe, I'd guess, 10% of everyone in the industry is incapable of getting something that isn't a lower level position or something that burns them out in a few years. Psychology jobs won't hire me. I didn't get far enough. Sociology jobs won't hire me. I don't have the research or field experience. Teaching jobs won't hire me, as I have no formal teaching background. And as much as I love animals, I'm too allergic to work in a vet office or zoo. As caring and kind as I am with people, I lack the patients to work with stubborn or rude people, I get too sick or fainty to work with the injured, and I'm probably far too emotional to work with possibly terminal, or absolutely terminal, patients.

Lately I feel very sad, as it seems everything I could be good at, or would enjoy or have an affinity for, is blocked to me for some reason or another. Being stuck is so very sad.

Day 1918 - 10/1 - Halloween time is coming

Today I feel pretty rested, but as usual lately I'm very sad about all the things. I'm out of one medication, have been for a few days. It says 'may cause drowsiness' on the label. I wonder if that's part of why I'm so sleepy all the time.

A guy is in my spot at the coffee shop. He's new, so hopefully he'll go soon, but I'm worried because he's gaming and he's got a bunch of extra stuff. If he's someone that's going to become a regular he may start taking my spot and table on a regular basis.

It's October; Halloween time is coming. Normally this is a very happy month for me. I usually buy little candies and snack on them a few weeks before. It's really the only time I get candies. I can't though with being homeless, particularly while the weather is still so warm mid-day. It's sad how many things which were traditions have to be ignored because I'm homeless. And I'm beginning to wonder if I will ever be able to do them again.

Comments and stuff Copyright E. Stryker 2008-2013
Pictures for Epic Fail are taken by me. :)

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