PC talk system recommendations blog Facebook YouTube articles and guides links bio
game screensots rabb1t's ramblings podcast email
Epic Fail: The Journal of a Homeless Gamer
Book 6: Fading memories

This is my journal I wrote during the time I was homeless. It is broken up by week for easier reading. Feel free to read it on the web or download the complete .pdf version and print it for reading offline.

Week 309

Day 2157 - 5/28 - Almost broke something

Today I had a big scare. Because I have no shower at work opportunity due to no work the rest of this / next month I showered at school. There were water puddles around, and on my way out of the shower I slipped. Had the bench not been right there I'd have smashed probably my face, arm, or side. I kind of slid right into it as I slipped, so I got very lucky. Needless to say I won't be showering at that time again. It's slippery enough without the extra water.

I guess today was ok other than that. I spent it in the little room. A lady came in late in the day. I don't know if she's a student or not. She's older, I'd guess 50+, and has a large bag and stroller thing with plastic bags. She smelt like rotten bananas. Someone had opened both doors it smelt so bad. I hope she's not in there in the future. I feel for her, but yikes she made the whole room smell bad.

Tomorrow should be fun. The class will most certainly just be video watching. And then I have no work, which will be super weird. I've not decided what to do about dinner and such yet. I guess I'll figure that out tomorrow.

Day 2158 - 5/29 - Surrender my keys, for now

Today I apparently got a message from my boss asking for my keys. I guess the person filling in for my shifts doesn't have them and they don't have spare ones. This concerns me, as the first shift I'd be back would be right around 4th of July weekend, a time when people are usually very hard to get a hold of. If I were scheduled and didn't have my keys I don't know what I'd do.

I guess today was ok besides that. I had an ok morning, though we didn't watch as many videos as I thought we would. Most stuff I've been turning in wasn't shown.

After, I edited my podcast then played my games. I guess stinky lady does have some classes. She was there again tonight. And she sat next to me for a bit. Thankfully her slinkiness wasn't as bad, but I did notice again that someone had propped open the door shortly after she arrived.

This weekend will be very weird what with no work, but I guess it will be a nice change.

Day 2159 - 5/30 - The first weekend

Today was the first Friday of the first weekend off. It started at the coffee shop. I tried to play, but the connection was completely unstable, so I was left with offline and single player games. In the early afternoon I had to take my keys to my boss. It seems strange not to have them. I've not been without them the entire time I've worked there. I just hope I don't lose an opportunity to have that sanctuary if things get bad.

After, I decided not to go back to the coffee shop, and instead went to hang out inside the little room, despite knowing I'd not be let in. Surprisingly I saw my professor there. We both laughed when she said she was doing assignments because many students are behind and she's behind grading them.

My time seemed super sad and lonely. It wasn't because I wondered if my professor has friends, she only moved here about a year ago. Though, I do worry that she has a fun time on weekends. She never talks about her friends or love life at all. She seems happy enough, but sometimes I catch a glimpse of something... maybe loneliness, maybe loss, I'm not sure. I think it was more so that this is the start of the first weekend off for me. And, as such, I thought back to times long ago. Times alone in a home. Times when I would be with friends. And even longer ago times where I had special events on weekends with friends.

I don't know if I've ever really had friends that 'get me' in real life I hung out with though. I've got a few online who aren't close, but we talk very rarely. I think mostly because there is that distance.

But I found myself being very sad as I left school. I'm very happy with my video stuff. I suppose that makes sense, as I've always been creative. But I think I was sad because I seem alone in this journey. I have no friends to share my joy with (in person). I have no sweetie to cheer me on. I have no friends in the field who share my passions and interests. And I continue to feel lost and adrift. Yet now I am changing direction. No longer on the path that was familiar, but now alone moving into the unknown. I suppose with those changes new people may gather around me, but so far I feel like I will always be alone.

Day 2160 - 5/31 - Chatting

Today was ok. I am super tired though. I think because of my cold. I'm still super congested and sneezy.

Mostly I played my online game today. It is officially out now, so there were lots of people playing. I was kind of chatty with a few, so that was kind of nice.

I still feel pretty lonely from yesterday. It seems like wherever I go I feel sad and lonely. Probably just because year six is rapidly coming to a close with very little changed from years before. But I've always been stubborn about things, overly selective. So I suppose when things do get better they will be good changes that make me happy, and not minor things that may or may not, or are things which require sacrifice or things I don't like.

Day 2161 - 6/1 - Feeling sad

Today I was feeling sad. I guess you could say I feel heartbroken. I think it was a combination of it being a day off and nearing the end of a year of fail. While I did play and watch shows and did a little school homework, much like I would have in a home, none of it was in a way I could have in a home, nor at the time or in the amounts of being in a home. For instance, there is a game I don't often get to play due to lack of network stability that I'd probably be playing right now. But I can't because I'm not in a home. I probably lost two hours of sleep and three hours of gaming today alone.

I miss my old life. I miss my old patterns. And while I realize time goes on and we must change with it, and those around me are confident I will recover, I can't help but feel I won't. And even more so, I still feel like because of that I am always going to mourn the loss of me.

Day 2162 - 6/2 - Sick pain

Today was disappointing. I was at the coffee shop most of the day. I tried to play my games, but it couldn't stay connected hardly at all. At one point I was disconnecting literally more often than every three minutes. In the evening I did a little bit for my final video project, which could be due as soon as 1.5 weeks. (There will be two weeks they are shown.)

In the evening I was sad from all the disconnecting. I decided to try and get something different to eat to cheer myself up. But that has been a huge mistake. For about three hours now I've been in pretty bad pain from the bad tooth. For a bit I was crying and felt like I would throw up from the pain. It's subsided a bit now and hopefully until I get something done about it I can be ok eating the like three meals I know are safe.

I don't know what I did to deserve all this pain and sadness in my life.

Day 2163 - 6/3 - Final project, part 1

Today should hopefully be pretty good. Last night was bad. The pain continued through most of the night. While I slept it disturbed my dreams and woke me up a few times. It didn't go away until probably 3 AM. But it's gone now, so today should be fine.

I have class where we will, no doubt, watch the videos we haven't been. After, I'll work on the first part of my shot for the final project. The second part will be done Sunday when the area I'm using will hopefully be empty. In the evening I'll go see a movie, so that should be fun.

Hopefully today won't be too sad.

Week 310

Day 2164 - 6/4 - Almost broke something

Today was disappointing. I decided to go to the coffee shop to play online instead of being at school where I'd be limited to offline games, and the connection was so bad I probably was only really playing about 75% of the time I spent trying to play. I was being dropped at least every 10 minutes, if not more often at times. It's been so bad lately that for the past few months I've basically been completely unable to play my two most favorite online games.

I would say today was ok other than that, but that's all I wanted today to be - a simple day off playing my online games. I suppose it as good in that noone bugged me and nothing bad happened, but I don't know. With my life what it is it seems extremely disappointing to not even be able o have a stable place to play online games. My console game is coming up too, with beta getting ever closer. I got my console on the assumption that I'd be able to play at the coffee shop. But now, now it wouldn't even be worth trying. It's almost so bad it's not even worth trying to play online on my laptop. In fact, around 5 I left and just gave up for the rest of the night and went to school so I could have a stable non-gaming connection at least.

Though I can do very little to move towards a non-homeless life I would want, I still don't understand why everything feels like it will eventually crumble beneath me.

Day 2165 - 6/5 - Not pizza

Today was ok I guess. Class seems sad because only half of the people are showing up, and less than half are doing their videos on time, which seems really weird.

After class I wanted to play online for a bit, so I went to the pizza place. Something was going on with the network though. The one game I've been missing the most was completely unplayable because the network was seriously lagging. I played my new online game instead, so I guess that was ok. I didn't get pizza though. That is one of my completely forbidden foods, which is sad.

There are so many simple things I wish I could do lately, but can't because of my sad life. It seems like it controls and limits everything, and even when I find new freedom it seems quickly lost.

Day 2166 - 6/6 - Another Friday

Today was another Friday off. I have been pondering my class final project and the schedule, or more accurately not working schedule, has thrown me off so much I completely forgot my podcast this week. I can't remember the last time I didn't have one. I guess it's ok. There aren't that many who listen according to my new stats logging.

I guess today was ok. I got to play a few games of the game I can't normally play, but not as many as I'd have liked. Mostly I played my new online game. I did get disconnected quite a few times, but I guess I could say it wasn't a disappointing amount.

It was a very quiet day with noone talking to me, and thankfully, noone I didn't know interrupting.

Day 2167 - 6/7 - In my head

Today was ok I guess. There was a flea market day at the college, but the coffee shop was extremely slow and quiet in spite of that. I guess because it's spring and a bit warmer people just did other things. Mostly I just played my games and watched a few shows. The network was a bit laggy and disconnecting me at times, but, for the most part, it was mostly ok.

Today felt lonely. I spent it in my head. I thought about the games I was playing. Thought about my project I'd like to finish shooting for tomorrow. And didn't really talk to anyone hardly at all. I guess I'd much prefer a quiet day in my head to unnecessary chatter. But still, it would be nice to have people around me that I enjoy the company of.

Day 2168 - 6/8 - The long short day

Today seemed both long and short. I started in the morning finishing my shoot for my final project. It turned out ok, though there are a few inconsistencies between shots when I moved myself or the camera. I wanted to do... more... but it's very tough to come up with a good story and such when you have no actors, location, or props, not to mention any way to do visual effects.

Mostly I tried to play a game after that. Some of the day was ok, but in the afternoon it got really bad. It was ok though. I did offline stuff and left early to do laundry. With not going to my place close to work due to not working this month I had to go to a different spot locally. It turned out ok.

It was super hot when I left the coffee shop. Like you are sweating doing nothing kind of hot. It's a few hours later now and it still shows as over 80F. It's going to be crazy hot the next few days. I guess that's a good thing. Usually I have to worry about being too cold.

Day 2169 - 6/9 - Eyes

Today as ok I suppose. There is something going on with my eyes lately. They are super goopy and both eyelid corners and bottoms are crackly and irritated from my wiping the goop out. I don't know if it's from my cold or lack of sleep due to the hot weather, or some kind of infection o something.

I mostly tried to play and have fun today, but the network was almost the worst yet. It dropped several times completely, and not for short times. I smiled to myself when I heard it affects their credit charge system as well, maybe that will get the owners attention and he'll finally do something about it.

I somehow kept forgetting I had a reading thing due tomorrow. I remembered to do it, but instead of having a bit of fun offline private playtime I had to do the assignment through my phone. I guess it was ok. It was the shortest one yet, so it didn't take long.

I'm super tired. I've lost a lot of sleep lately.

Day 2170 - 6/10 - Already so warm in the morning

Today should be ok. I have class in the morning, though I don't think we'll be watching anything today. And then in the evening I've got a movie to see, so that should be super fun.

It's early morning before class and it's already super warm. It feels like it's mid-day almost. I'm just wearing my shirt and shorts, no house shirt or hoodie.

My eyes are a bit better, but still super goopy. I'll have to be super careful to use eye drops and dab them to clean them out instead of just dragging my finger across like I have been. I was sneezing a bit too earlier, so it' probably all part of this sneezing congestion cold I have.

It's almost half way through the last month of year six. Things seem super sad and I never imagined I'd be out so long that I'd be forgetting what it was like to live in a home.

Comments and stuff Copyright E. Stryker 2008-2014
Pictures for Epic Fail are taken by me. :)

flash required for the logo
best viewed at 1280 wide resolution or higher