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Epic Fail: The Journal of a Homeless Gamer
Book 6: Fading memories

This is my journal I wrote during the time I was homeless. It is broken up by week for easier reading. Feel free to read it on the web or download the complete .pdf version and print it for reading offline.

Week 289

Day 2017 - 1/8 - Already took it

Today was pretty sad. The Internet at the coffee shop is still horribly bad. I was in a better mood when the day started, so I tried to play online. But I only got through about 20 minutes of play before I got kicked. Even just reading forums I was being kicked every 10-20 minutes. I was forced into watching videos or playing games offline. Even videos that buffered would still disconnect and pause every 20-30 minutes. Today was just a reminder that I am not in control of my life. I may have a regular spot, Wednesday may be my free day during the week to have fun and not have to watch the clock, but I am not free, I am at the mercy of factors outside my control.

The class I have is actually one I already took. It must have been about 10 years ago at the four-year college. I thought this would be a general introduction to various media types, but it seems this is one of those political media classes about how mass media is controlled by basically five companies, bla bla bla. It will likely be super boring and not at all interesting. I suppose at least it should be an easy A. And, there is a super attractive blonde I chatted with before class last time, so that is always nice.

I have a feeling though, good or bad, taking this class will change nothing. Hopefully something beyond it will help.

Day 2018 - 1/9 - Ok in the afternoon

Today was pretty terrible in the morning. The Internet disconnected me from even just forum surfing every 10 minutes, videos paused often, and when I tried to play my online game I was disconnected not even one minute in before I'd even finished loading to the main screen. It's getting so bad I'm considering moving somewhere else.

The afternoon was ok I guess. Class was kind of fun, and although the blonde wasn't near me, the professor is kinda cute. She seems too political to be my type though, and it's just odd and sad to think of dating a professor. I would like to be a college professor, and thinking I'm older than some of them now, especially in a dating sense, with me being such a failure... I don't know... it seems sad. I guess it seems sad thinking about dating anyone really. So much of my life is not how it should be.

Day 2019 - 1/10 - 150 forever / no connection

Today was ok in the evening. But still, the morning was sad. The connection is now so bad I can't stay connected to any online game for more than 5 minutes, which isn't even enough to do one game. Both times I tried today I'd lost connection before it was even one getting into the game. Videos still pause and drop, and even forums are becoming difficult to stay connected to. I may have to give serious consideration to changing locations, at least temporarily.

In the evening things seemed to balance out a bit. I've been back to work this week, so my schedule is evening out once more. It is a bit easier to tolerate the bad times when I have a chance to get a shower, and have private time to watch a movie and play games offline.

Since my weight was no better when I last checked I've switched to a 150 forever plan. Unfortunately with school being on it will be difficult to do repeated cycles. Today I only got three complete cycles, with two other attempts blocked. Normally I'll do a cycle or two during work, but I just wasn't feeling like it.

I'm sad though. Tomorrow is one of my long days. And while it would normally be something to look forward to (long hours of playing or show watching) the complete inability to play online connected games, and interruptions with everything I do, makes an otherwise potentially good day seem like all I have to look forward to is frustration and failure. And I have enough of that in my life already.

Day 2020 - 1/11 - Sad time

Today was a pretty sad day. There were a few times the connection was strong enough to play for brief periods, but mostly I didn't get to do what I wanted. I didn't get to sleep in. I didn't get to shower. I didn't get to cook and eat foods that are healthy and just the right portion size. And while there wasn't as many at the coffee shop as there normally would be (likely due to the failing Internet), I was not in a private space I could control.

I felt ok since I did get to play some, but I would have preferred my old life.

Day 2021 - 1/12 - More sad times

Today was sad. I guess the past month or so I've been extra super sad.

I had an ok time at work this morning with an 'extra shift'. I watched a fun movie (though it was not my usual type of movie I watch) and played a game offline for a bit. But when I left work I did not go home. There was not an afternoon or evening free in my room to look forward to. There was not my room, reasonably comfortable stuff to sit on, or quiet space. There was only the coffee shop; chilly, playing incessant music, and people with whatever scents or colds that they are going to expose me to.

No, after leaving work I did not go home. And I don't know if I ever will be able to again.

Day 2022 - 1/13 - Possibly covered

Today I've been pretty sad. The one thing I thought I had under control, my connection at the coffee shop, has been increasingly worse. Today it was disconnecting me probably every 5 minutes, and about once an hour it would drop completely, the connection point would disappear from the connections list entirely, and it would stay dead for several minutes. What was once a stable and fast connection is now completely unstable, not only preventing any games on my laptop, but absolutely killing any ability to play console games. And if I had to change locations, it would be unlikely I'd find another place to play my console games from, making both the cost of the monitor and the console itself a complete loss.

I suppose in good news it looks like I may be covered and not have to worry about that medical coverage requirement anymore. I got this super fat packet in the mail the other day, and a medical card about a week ago. They had said I was denied, but I guess they changed their mind.

While that news is happy, overall I'm very sad, as none of my life seems to be moving towards getting any better, and now, so many years later, it seems no matter what the path I choose, my life will always remain outside of my control to change it.

Day 2023 - 1/14 - Warmer

Today is slightly warmer, last night as well. Yesterday, before work, I was driving with my window down a bit and I had my sweater off. The warm weather puts a hop in my step and makes me happy.

It's early, but I expect class will be relatively uneventful and my connection will be poo, preventing me from gaming unless it's offline. I may start staying at school and doing reading after class. It will depend on if there is ever a book I can borrow in the library or not. I may be forced into 'renting one' which would be sad.

I guess, as always, I remain hopeful that today will be different and tomorrow will be a better day, but lately that seems very unlikely to ever happen.

Week 290

Day 2024 - 1/15 - Lost day

Today I felt like I lost most of my day. The Internet at the coffee shop is on its last legs. Literally about every other minute I was seeing pauses and many times I would be flat dropped. I tried to watch something live and probably lost 50-75% of the stream. Video was barely watchable, and even with buffering anything I watched was pausing, and in some cases restarted completely due to losing their place due to lag. I think if it isn't replaced in the next few days I'll probably have to seriously rethink where I spend some of my days.

I was pretty sad today because of that. My entire day was shifted constantly based on what my connection was as well as my mood because of the failing connection. I don't understand why my life continues to be alone, and so far outside of the norm.

Day 2025 - 1/16 - Broken Internet, broken tooth, broken mouse

Today it seems like everything in my life is broken. The Internet started stable in the morning, but as the afternoon approached it became its usual unstable drop me every 2-5 minutes. During lunch I got some pretty extreme pain in the part of my mouth where I normally eat. Because my teeth are so bad, I almost always eat just in one spot. But that spot is next to a tooth that lost like all of its top long ago, and it's filling was lost in the early days of my being homeless. The tooth behind it lost a bit today, so it's super sensitive. It's not surprising really since it's been doing double its normal work for years. I can eat in other parts, but have to be careful.

In the evening my mouse was tweaking a lot. It's been... misfiring for a while now. Yet again the same kind of loss as the last two. It seems that about every year or so I'm losing one. So far the company has replaced it, so no money lost there. But I wonder what causes it. It's mostly in a protected area now, so I wonder if it's the repeated exposure to cold nights or something.

Oh, and my button up fly pants lost the top button today. I have it, but I don't have a needle and thread to fix it. If I want to be able to wear them again I'll have to get that.

My nice professor lent me the book to do some assignments, but with the failing Internet connection, my corrupt dying teeth, and the recent increasing mouse failure, I can't help but feel like everything in my life is broken.

Day 2026 - 1/17 - Homework

Today ended ok feeling. The start of the day was pretty sad. For some reason I was totally awake almost 2 hours before I had to be. While the Internet was better, I still couldn't play anything. When I tried I was kicked off immediately. I just watched shows during the day for the most part.

In the evening I got a shower at work, watched a movie, and actually did some homework. Though it was a pretty basic assignment it was kind of nice knowing someone would read my rambligns. In addition to the unstable Internet preventing me from gaming I've been very sad because it seems my site numbers were very off. I could have as few as only 3% of the viewers of my site as I thought. Early statistics with the new total will probably end up with 150 visitors for the month, where my previous numbers were showing 5,000. It looks like fewer than a dozen may be reading my ramblings, and who knows what this means in terms of my podcast subscriber numbers.

So... yeah. I've been feeling very sad and invisible lately, and I guess the little bit of appreciation in class is at least something.

Day 2027 - 1/18 - Don't feel like playing

Today I am very sad, and maybe sick. I was pretty sleepy. I have been for a while. I've been extra hungry too, typically a sign I have a cold. But mostly I'm very sad. I've been so sad I haven't really felt like playing anything lately. Of course, part of the reason I feel that way is because I've been unable to. The connection has been so bad anything I've tried to play online has been instantly, or almost instantly, disconnected. Even video which buffers are starting to be affected, either by drops into low resolution, pauses, or flat out stops for minutes at a time. It's rare to get through even just 5 minutes without interruption.

More than anything I wish I were in a home, with private space and at least some control of my surroundings, able to sleep in, shower, cook, and play my game without issue whenever I like. But I can't. And I can't just go back, because where I was wouldn't allow me. And if I could, I'm not who I was. My scars and pain run so deep, I don't think I can ever go back to being that me again. I think now I can only go through, and forward.

Day 2028 - 1/19 - Quiet study time

Today was ok I guess. In the morning I had an extra work shift. There were no kids, so that was pretty easy. I mean, I would have done the same things that I did regardless, but that was an unexpected three hours almost totally alone. I spent the shift doing stuff for class. I think it will be different than the one I had before. The previous class had a very mass media news spin. This class, so far, seems to be talking less about mass media and politics and more on an overall media history with a look at the social impact of media.

The evening was kind of sad though. I had another homework to do that took nearly two hours. I wasn't expecting that. And after I again couldn't connect to online games at all. Shows were uninterrupted, but did still kick into the lowest resolution a few times. I really hope they fix the router. It's getting really unbearable.

Again I was sad I did not have a happy home life. Today was a nice warm day. I'd have had my window open and been warm and been able to do a lot more with my studying. In the evening I may have invited friends over for an impromptu BBQ and games night. But I can't do that. I don't have that option. And I don't know if I'll have a home, or more importantly friends, to be able to do that ever again.

Day 2029 - 1/20 - Sad times continue

Today my day was again sad. The Internet was disconnecting often again. Sometimes I didn't notice, and I'd think I should try and play, and it would immediately drop. My only option was to try and watch videos or do forum stuff. While affected, sometimes things were ok. (One show I watched was relatively unaffected, whereas another couldn't get through a single 10 minute segment between commercials without being interrupted at least three times, per section.) I don't really know what to do about it. On the one hand it's... bearable... if I accept that this is not my home and the people there are fine with me staying for a long time. It is not mine to control, nor my place to be able to complain and demand repair. Doing so may just get people angry at me and make me unwelcome. But on the other hand, I can't play my online games at all, the activity I normally spend the most time with.

It seems like, yet again, right when I'm starting to settle in to some kind of routine, right when things start to look up and I have a few happy things I can look forward to, things get lost, and I'm again thrown into complete chaos.

Day 2030 - 1/21 - Torn flesh

Today I'm hopeful things will go ok, but things haven't been so good lately. Last night something weird, and I suppose bad, happened. I got poked / scraped by something on the back of my left heel. It felt like some kind of splinter thing, but it wasn't. It was a chunk of dead flesh so badly dried out it was as hard as wood. It was dark and I was under my covers, so I couldn't look at it, but I pulled at it to get it out. It didn't hurt other than a small pinch, it was that dead. Big sections peeled off, and I scratched around at the area. Many other areas peeled off like it had been sunburned and dried out. I don't know why it's so badly dried there. I guess it's just one of those things that is happening because I'm homeless and have to keep shoes on for more than if I were not. Looking today it's a few inches long of a section, maybe half an inch wide. It still doesn't hurt, it mostly just feels weird. But the new layer is sensitive and irritated looking in one bit. I'll have to take extra care of my paw for a while to help it heal.

I'm tired, and sad. I suppose, as always, I'll try to keep hoping today will be different, maybe even somehow better, but like so many days before it is unlikely that it will be.

Comments and stuff Copyright E. Stryker 2008-2014
Pictures for Epic Fail are taken by me. :)

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