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Epic Fail: The Journal of a Homeless Gamer
Book 6: Fading memories

This is my journal I wrote during the time I was homeless. It is broken up by week for easier reading. Feel free to read it on the web or download the complete .pdf version and print it for reading offline.


Week 291

Day 2031 - 1/22 - Broken and slow

Today was pretty sad. Last night I spent too much getting pizza (though split between three meals it's about normal price for meals.) While I was there I played my game online. It was weird. It's been so long since I played on a stable connection that didn't drop me that for about the first hour I couldn't shake the constant feeling that I was going to lag or disconnect at any second. It was very sad to think that I've become so used to the bad connection that it felt like I was dreaming while I was on a stable connection.

I may have to consider spending a few days a week not at the coffee shop so I can game. I really don't want to, as it destabilizes my entire schedule to leave to go to game somewhere, but the connection is completely unstable. It's always dropping and always pausing. I haven't played more than 5 minutes in weeks because it constantly disconnects.

I checked the old restaurant I used to go to. Almost a year later and it's still horrible speed. I wouldn't be able to do anything there.

My heel is a bit worse. Today it felt more sensitive and scabby. I expect it will be a while before it recovers.

I feel a touch dizzy, very tired, and extra hungry. I think I've got a minor cold. But, more than anything I feel sad. My life is out of control enough as it is. My favorite spot being unstable and interrupting everything I do is disappointing, and very emotionally crushing.

Day 2032 - 1/23 - Bad window

Today was pretty sad. The coffee shop connection continues to be terrible. I'm considering going elsewhere, but I don't really want to. Sometimes I play in the morning, sometimes in the afternoon, and sometimes in the evening. The same goes for shows. On an almost daily basis I change the windows of what I do. Being free helps me stay sane. But, sure, I suppose most days I read news, play for maybe an hour, have lunch and watch a show or two, then play for a bit in the afternoon. So basically I have a pretty regular routine. But, I don't know. Restricting my play to certain days at certain times... seems very sad.

Speaking of windows, it looks like I may have to look into renting a book for class. There is one on hold now at school, but the only real window I have is for one hour one day a week. The rest of the time it's just not reachable. It's sad, but I suppose for the best. As with my games and shows, being in the mood to do homework can strike at different times and it would be better to always have access to the book. It's sad though that will probably be $50 I won't see again. I guess maybe it will be ok though, as I should have tax return money coming back, which I usually forget to put in my budget.

I guess, while I feel a bit less sad than I have been lately, I still feel very out of sorts due to the bad connection. And more than anything I want to go home, but I may never have a home to go back to again.

Day 2033 - 1/24 - Two games

Today seems pretty sad. I was surprised when I played my game in the morning and got through two games without too much difficulty. I figured things seemed better and logged for lunch and show watching. When I tried again later it was back to its usual dropping me so often I couldn't play. I guess in some ways that's ok. The game is still in beta technically, and still new, so I'm not really missing out by not being able to play. I think that is really my biggest reason that I'm ok with not trying to find a better location. If it evens out in a month or two I think, deep down, that will be ok. As sad as I am on the surface about it, it may not be worth the added stress and disappointment moving around may cause. Again, I'll probably find somewhere to go Tuesday and Wednesday evening to play, maybe Saturday evening too, but since I really kind of play at three different times during the day, being somewhere I can't play when I want is very troubling.

I don't have much choice on the book. As I thought about it more and more it would just be a pain with the tiny window. In the later morning I spent the $50 to rent it. I can keep it until June I think it was. I should have it Tuesday morning, so that will give me an ok window to do an assignment before it's due. And, that allows me to do assignments that require the book basically from any connection point. (Assignments are done online or turned in through an online site.) With the non-gaming state of the Internet that should be a lot better, as I' be able to do assignments almost any day.

But I am very deeply sad today. We are approaching yet another weekend. And while that hasn't meant much for me these past few years part of me still feels sad knowing I will be alone. There will be no friends to watch movies or play games with. I will not be able to stream stuff for people to watch. And, most of all lately, I will likely be doing very little and feeling sad and lonely due to my lack of connectivity online.

Day 2034 - 1/25 - Sick, tired, and a Saturday movie

Today I think I am sick. Yesterday at work I was feeling very sleepy and had a bit of chills. I felt the same much of today, but also have a scratchy feeling throat. I wish I could have slept in.

In the evening I watched a movie online. It was sad. It was around dinner time. It was like my old Saturday night movie I'd do in my room. It may have been a bad SyFy TV movie, or something I rented, or something new I'd bought, it didn't so much matter. But having quiet dinner and a movie time reserved as a tradition... it kind of brought a tear to my eye since I only had a fragment of what once was. I miss my traditions. I miss... me.

Day 2035 - 1/26 - Unremarkable

Today was sad, but overall fairly unremarkable. In the morning I had an extra work shift. I watched a movie and played offline for a bit. After, I went to the coffee shop where, as expected, I disconnected extremely often. I suppose it was good in that it sort of pushed me into doing homework. So I guess tha was positive.

Overall though I am still very sad. More time is passing, and all the things I want and desire, no matter how basic are still unmet. And the few happy things I do have sem to constantly crumble away quickly.

Day 2036 - 1/27 - Other game

Today was slightly better. Over most of yesterday evening and part of this morning I downloaded a free MMO. It's actually been out for a few years, but I've never had much interest in it. I still don't really, but I figured a MMO would have the most tolerance to lag. I was right. Despite the connection going completely dead for several minutes a few times during the day, the game stayed connected. So while it's not an amazing game, it will be fun enough. And, I won't completely disconnect. I still pause and see interruptions, but I seemingly won't completely disconnect. So at least that's something.

I'm really just trying to hold on until a couple of betas I expect to come along. Both could really happen anytime now, and I've got a new game coming in three weeks I think, so I just need something to hold me until they hopefully fix the connection.

That was really it for today. I did laundry. Oh, apparently I'm more fat again. I'm back up to 225, so that's terrible. It seems no matter what I do for eating or exercising I can't change anything. The stress and overall sad in my life seems like it will continue to outweigh everything and I guess that won't change. But outside of a couple of better than I expected movie rentals during work, that was really it for my day.

Day 2037 - 1/28 - Hopefully ok

Today is off to an ok start I guess. I checked the ex-house and my book arrived yesterday, so that's here early and I don't have to worry about that. When I got to the coffee shop someone's stuff was in my spot. I was pretty sure it belonged to 'Banana'. I call him that because he always has a banana in the morning. He gets there early and leaves usually right around when I get here. I saw noone though, but before my drink had even been made he showed up and asked if I wanted my spot. He's super nice like that. He knows I sit there and he usually doesn't mind, and often he even moves around due to his friends usually being with him.

So hopefully it will be ok today. It's still just the morning, so anything could happen. Hopefully my new game can help me balance a bit. I'd rather just play something new that's ok and ride out the unstable connection than try and change my entire routine to accommodate for it. But I guess, as with all things, I have little control, and what comes to be will be.

Week 292

Day 2038 - 1/29 - Broken and slow

Today was very disappointing. It's my big day to relax, and I'd hoped to do just that. I tried to play my card game early in the morning, and I managed to get through three games before it started to drop. I decided to do my system recommendations, which were kind of overdue. I tried to watch a 20 minute show during lunch, and by that point the Internet was lagging and dropping so frequently I probably was spending 20-40% of my day doing nothing but staring at my screen waiting for it to do something or reconnect. I did homework after since that was so bad. Thankfully it didn't affect it.

Even with my free game which is extremely tolerant to lag and drops, the coffee shop is becoming unbearable. It's at the point where I can literally just about do nothing at all. If it continues I'll have no choice but to find a different spot, because if it gets much worse it's going to be like it's not there at all.

Day 2039 - 1/30 - Disconnection

Today was ok emotionally, but sad and stressful in execution. The network is getting really bad at the coffee shop. As much as I'd like to not have to move, it's getting to the point where I can't do much of anything. In the morning it's sort of ok, but from about 10 AM on it's dead, or lagged so bad it's not moving 15-30% of the time. It's constantly disconnecting or completely dropping. At the rate it's going I'll be forced to find somewhere else to be more days than not simply because it's getting to the point where not only games are seriously affected, but my 20 minute video I tried to watch probably took an hour. Even forums are being interfered with at this point.

While I don't feel too bad today I can't escape the sadness that it is likely I would have none of these sad things in my life if I were in a home. Yet getting back to a home is starting to seem very unlikely.

Day 2040 - 1/31 - That's not me

Today I am sad about being fat and out of shape. And while I'm homeless, unless I joined a gym or something, which isn't affordable, there is likely nothing I can do about it. While in a home free from this sadness and free to cook and eat what I want I will be fine again, it seems the opposite is true as long as I'm homeless. I've tried diet. I've tried moderate exercise. And at my last weight check early this week I was again back to nearly my heaviest.

I was looking at myself in the mirror again. When I can't see my head, when I look at the picture I took of myself back a while ago when I started my new workout, I see someone who is not me. If someone were to show me that picture and I didn't know it was me, I'd say, 'boy, that guy is out of shape and he's got a pretty bad beer belly starting.'

I don't feel very much like me these days. Not much of me is left after everything I've lost. And I don't look very much like the me I knew. My teeth are always getting worse. Before these past two or three years I never had a beer belly looking waist. I never had a flappy boob-like chest or wiggly armpits.

As always, I miss being in a home. I miss being free to play, watch or cook what I want when I want to. But most of all I mourn the loss of me.

Day 2041 - 2/1 - Possible connection

Today was ok I guess. It went by pretty quickly. I had just a few hours at the coffee shop in the morning, then I was covering an extra shift for someone. It was super busy there so I didn't do as much homework as I'd have liked. On Monday I noticed some connections that were new at my Monday / Thursday / sometimes Sunday work spot. One of the coaches was there and he confirmed they are for visitors, like me. I tried the passwords he suggested, but neither connection point worked. He said the network guy said something about next week, so maybe it won't be done until then. But if that goes up I'd have access to the Internet from work on those nights again. That would be great because it's almost like private play time. I get interrupted during work so rarely.

That was really it for my day. At least I suppose it was a less sad than regular Saturday what with the extra work shift.

Day 2042 - 2/2 - Nope

Today was pretty sad. As expected, the guy I cover for on Sundays asked me to cover for him. As punishment for waiting a whole month to ask, waiting several days into the new month, and calling before I'd even woken up, I said no. I could use the money, but when I've been looking forward to a Sunday off for a month and you wait until that morning to call, nope, not going to do it. It's ok. He asked me to cover the next three. I really don't understand why he doesn't quit and just have his main job as his only job. He's only scheduled for four shifts in a month, and he's asking me to cover 75% or more of them.

Anyways... so today was pretty good in that I relaxed and played all day. It was in a cold environment, with a bathroom broken half the day, in public, but the connection seemed fairly tolerable. The two shows I watched only got interrupted a few times each, and the time I played on my online game it rarely affected me. So, I got to have fun most of the day. It was a nice change from constantly being dropped. Though this is the only game that can survive that. So once I move on I'll likely have to go back to considering changing locations.

But, at least for this one day, I had about as good a time as I could have while homeless.

Day 2043 - 2/3 - Ok, but sad

Today was ok, but I'm feeling sad. While I spent much of the day having fun, I couldn't help but think about the things I can't do. I couldn't help but think about the things in my life that are falling apart because of my sad homeless life. And I suppose more than anything, I feel sad that I feel so helpless, on my own, and powerless to change anything.

Day 2044 - 2/4 - Bite

Today I'm tired. I've been feeling tired a lot since I stopped sleeping in at school. But, I don't know, it just seems odd now. I usually get 6-8 hours while hiding in sanctuary, so I'm usually fine.

There's been an odd bite on my arm, sort of on the outside of my forearm. I don't know where I got it or when it happened. It's probably fine, but it's a bit puffed up in that area. I'll probably forget to check, but I should probably keep an eye on it.

I've been having weird and sad dreams lately. The other day I had one where I was out somewhere. I wasn't homeless anymore, but I had my bag I keep my cloths and bunnies in. I hugged it and cried and cried because it reminded me of when I was homeless. Last night I guess you could say I had one of those naked in class dreams. The other kids didn't seem to think it odd, but normal, that being naked and eating in class was just what I did since I was homeless. I suppose I'll have odd homeless dreams for years after I'm not homeless anymore. After my last ex left me it was about 8 years before I'd stopped having dreams about her.

It's early in the morning. My day has just started. But, as always, I expect nothing will change, and everything in my life will be affected by my sad times.

Comments and stuff Copyright E. Stryker 2008-2014
Pictures for Epic Fail are taken by me. :)

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