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Epic Fail: The Journal of a Homeless Gamer
Book 6: Fading memories

This is my journal I wrote during the time I was homeless. It is broken up by week for easier reading. Feel free to read it on the web or download the complete .pdf version and print it for reading offline.

Week 279

Day 1947 - 10/30 - Zero experimental difference

Today was kind of sad. One of my contacts was blurry all day. I should have just gone to the ex-garage and changed, but it didn't really seem worth the trouble. I was still pretty sick too. If I could have been in a home and rested all day I would have. The people liked the candies, so I guess that was good. I don't really remember class, and I got no further on the homework I had due today. Hopefully she will continue to be lenient. Hopefully too I can study some this weekend and be better because the test is in a week.

I haven't noticed a real difference wearing my sneakers compared to my boots. There's almost completely zero difference. I guess I'll stop the experiment to see if I can help my feet to stop hurting since there seem to be more drawbacks than positive gains.

No job prospects in the job searches today. Still feeling sick. My class seems doomed to failure. Today seems sad.

Day 1948 - 10/31 - Another sad Halloween

Today is another sad Halloween time. There were no little ones visiting me. No silly, scary, or fun costumes for me to see. There were no friends to hang out with or celebrate with. It was just me. At work. Plus, I am still sick. I'm not super terrible, but I'm getting better extremely slowly.

Day 1949 - 11/1 - Not as better as I thought

Today I'm not as better as I thought I was. I thought I was starting to feel a bit better, but today I was completely wiped out. I'd planned on studying for my mid-term thing that's coming up Wednesday, but I couldn't focus on anything. I couldn't even focus enough to play one of my games. I was half asleep almost all day. I even tried pounding some soda and candy to get a sugar rush going and I still felt like I would fall asleep at any second.

I've lost another pair of pants today. The exact same kind of rip happened. It must be happening when I sit down in the car. Something must be catching the pocket. I saw a handle, but that doesn't seem like it would be enough to tear out a pocket like that. I guess I have no choice but to buy a couple of new pair tomorrow. Hopefully more won't get destroyed because that would get expensive quickly.

I've been pretty sad today. I just want to sleep in and get better. I just want to not lose 6 hours every day due to being homeless and having windows that dictate when I can or can't do stuff. I just want to be healthy enough I can at least try and do school stuff. And it would be nice to be healthy enough to try and start doing regular mini-work-outs again. I suppose some things are ok with my life, but overall things seem very sad.

Day 1950 - 11/2 - Wish to not be me

Today I wish to not be me. Nothing bad happened. In fact, things went ok with an extra work shift and I was feeling quite a bit better as the day went on, but I would have liked to not be me. Just for one day; truly free of stress, sadness, and worries of this sad situation which crushes me every day.

But then, I suppose if I could be anyone for a day in the whole world, doubly so if any when, I would have a very sad feeling that statistically there would be a much higher chance to be in a worse position than I am compared to a better one. And, to truly not be me, I would have no control over the person I possessed. I would basically just be along for the ride, and any senses, thoughts, emotions, would just be duplicated.

I suppose if I must be in a bad position, mine is not so bad. But still I would like my sad times to be over.

Day 1951 - 11/3 - Sick, better, practice

Today was an odd mix. I didn't clearly remember much. When I got to the coffee shop I played for a bit and watched a show at lunch. I was feeling a bit better. My confusion and extreme sleepiness is beginning to fade, so I tried doing some practice homework things for class. I was doing pretty good and feeling a bit more confident and some guy started playing really loud music next to me. It was almost as loud to me as if I had been listening to my own quiet music. That blew my concentration and I had no choice but to mess around some with my games. I had to listen at almost max to drown his music out.

The professor wants me to meet her during her office hours to try and help me with the homeworks. And she is still being super lenient with letting me re-do the homework I couldn't finish due to not understanding them. Hopefully I can get that sorted out.

Still, I am very sad I am not free to do what I want in life, or free to be at a job I would enjoy and make enough money with enough left over for at least some hobby things. I have a stronger and stronger feeling that I will never get the choice to do something and be ok in life.

Day 1952 - 11/4 - Confused

Today I feel confused. I've been going back and forth between feeling better and having a clear head to feeling confused, sleepy, and very easily angered by things.

I guess I'll have to talk to the professor about homework stuff. I tried to do some again here at work and got nowhere. Every time I try to do it I just get confused or have no idea how to do what I'm supposed to do. I did fine in the class before this one. I do fine on most of the practice things. But with the homework I'm just completely confused. And the book and examples seem to have little or nothing to do with what we are doing. I just don't understand why this class is so much harder than the first. Well, all I guess I can do is try to move on one day at a time, and for now I have to try and study what I can for the mid-term on Wednesday.

I guess class doesn't meet next Monday due to a holiday. I still have to work as far as I know, but at least that's something.

Day 1953 - 11/5 - Coughing up yuck

Today I feel strange. I'm sneezing a bit, and lately I'm coughing up yuck more often than I'm just regular coughing. I think my cold morphed into something new when it was about to get better. I'm going from feeling fine and wanting to do a lot of studying for my test tomorrow to feeling super tired, sleepy, and just wanting to mess around and be nowhere near studying.

I taped the part of my car that I think was ripping my pants. I found some pants that fit ok in the ex-storage and I got a new pair at the store, so I've got to pair. One more is in the ex-garage and can still be fixed if I get a needle and thread.

Hopefully all the things will work out and someday I'll be ok again. But it seems as more and more time passes nothing I can do seems to improve my chances of recovery. It makes me feel like when I was little and picked last for teams. No matter how good I was at something I was always picked last. I don't think I'll ever get out without help, and so far anyone in a position to help seems to have no interest or desire to do so.

Week 280

Day 1954 - 11/6 - Bit lip

Today was sad. I had my mid-term test and I don't think I did very good. I still wish I knew a way out other than through.

I bit my lip the other day. It's not in a bad spot. It's on the inside where the top lip touches the bottom. But it's like really? I can't not have stuff always wrong and messed up? I'm still pretty sick, have feelings of being punched in the face when sleeping, and when these go away I bit my lip?

Things seem very sad. And I feel like no matter what I try my life just can't be good or healthy anymore.

Day 1955 - 11/7 - Memories

Today, and in recent days, I've been having a lot of memories coming back to me. Maybe it's because of the X-mas lights people are putting up and thoughts of the Holidays, but lately I've been having images, feelings, sense memories, of living in a home, or even times in hotels. I've remembered what my desk felt like. I remember how my floor felt. I remember older places, and how the carpet felt. I remember old apartments where outside lights were too bright, or neighbors who were too loud. (Particularly ones who did annoying things like fall asleep and leave their TV running all night.) I remember good feelings; feelings of freedom, and more important privacy. I remember comfort and calm. But I remember bad times too. Times of frustration, anger, and discomfort.

I don't know why it's been on my mind so much lately. Maybe, as I said, it's just the Holidays and being reminded of home. Maybe to it's in part because the longer I remain homeless the less I feel I will ever be in a home again. And maybe my mind is trying to cling to what is left before it's gone forever.

Day 1956 - 11/8 - Spring sproing

Today was kind of ok. I'm starting to feel mostly better from my cold, so my appetite is better, though still a bit high. I felt ok enough to try and start attacking my fat tummy again. Hopefully that can start getting fixed. I'm sad and worn out all the time from it.

I got some springy pads for my feet. They are insert things to alleviate pain from flat feet and weak ankles; so that's me. I guess we'll see if they help in a few days. They were like $7, so that's fine.

That's all for today. I watched some convention footage, so that was sad I couldn't go. But some happy news came from it, so today seemed ok.

Day 1957 - 11/9 - Sad day of watching

Today seemed like a sad day. I watched footage of the convention I would have liked to have been at. I don't know how many years in a row it's been, but it feels like every year it's been put on. I'm sad I can't afford to go. I'm sad my position as MVP didn't get me a pass or a pass and transportation and a hotel room. It seems sad watching people having fun doing new things. I did post some news. I like being newsy. But I'm not there. And there is so much more I could tell people about if I were. But then, it seems only a few really truly appreciate my doing so, and most simply don't care or feel it's special.

Today I feel sad. I feel unappreciated. And I feel like, outside of winning the lottery, even if I didn't feel sad about getting no reward for doing things I love, that I will never be given an opportunity to really do what I want. Maybe people are right and a hobby is just a hobby and maybe I'll never get to do anything I enjoy as a paid job.

Day 1958 - 11/10 - Someone from the past

Today was actually pretty ok. I slept decently enough. I got up earlier than I otherwise would have due to needing to go to an extra work shift. I was supposed to try and do class stuff, but I was so tired out I just didn't. I just messed around all shift. After, I went to the coffee shop to play.

In the early evening someone came in, walked to just in front of me, and sat down. He didn't recognize me because he hadn't seen my face. But I said hi and we were extremely surprised to see each other there. I probably haven't seen him in like 8 years. We were never super close. I would see him now and then here and there, once every few months at the most even when I saw him regularly. It was cool to see an old friend though. He is in the area. He is, I guess, nearish to where I work. He was there with his newish girlfriend and we probably all chit chatted for about 45 minutes. It was a nice surprise .

After, I did a bit of podcasting for a game I'm super excited about. It's one the company I'm MVP for is doing, so it's possible I'll get into beta in an earlier phase than others. I guess we'll see. So far the MVP status has really just meant the forum people poop on me. They seem to have backed off of late. Most of the old posters moved on, but still.

All in all I guess it was a pretty good day.

Day 1959 - 11/11 - Pawn shop

Today I am pretty sad. The day went ok, but I had a bad dream last night about being homeless. So, all day I was sad about how nothing is changing, on days that others have off as holiday I don't, I still have to get up at the same early time, and it seems unlikely I will recover.

During work I watched a movie I rented. In it the characters went to a pawn shop. I've never been to one. But it made me think about my life. It made me think about how much of my stuff in storage is getting older and older and I someday may not be able to store it there free anymore. It made me think about how people have had to take stuff to a pawn shop to try and get by. It made me sad to think that each item is a lost dream. It made me sad that my dreams may never come true.

Day 1960 - 11/12 - Feeling ok

Today, even though it's only early morning, I feel ok. As always, I'm trying to focus on the positive things. I have my new system, which I love and doesn't have the risks the failing one did. I have enough money to not worry about food and can get a game now and then to play and talk about. I already talked quite a bit about a game for this week's podcast, another should get downloadable content to talk about today, and there is a movie I'll probably see tonight that I can talk about as well. Though I'm not as free to talk about as many things as I'd like due to being homeless and lack of money (like the console launching very soon and it's games), at least I can do some of what I love.

The rest of the day has yet to come, and I do need to try and do some school stuff, which no doubt will be difficult to impossible for me, so hopefully that won't make me too sad. All I can do is what I do every day; try to focus on what I'm still holding on to and try not to think too much about all I've lost.

Comments and stuff Copyright E. Stryker 2008-2013
Pictures for Epic Fail are taken by me. :)

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