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Epic Fail: The Journal of a Homeless Gamer
Book 6: Fading memories

This is my journal I wrote during the time I was homeless. It is broken up by week for easier reading. Feel free to read it on the web or download the complete .pdf version and print it for reading offline.

Week 303

Day 2115 - 4/16 - IRS backed off

Today was bad and good. The day ended pretty good. I went to the ex-house to check mail and there was a letter from the IRS saying they have finally cleared the 2011 thing. So they will finally stop bugging me for that $500. That's a relief, as it's all I have in savings, and if my tooth has to be fixed I'm sure it will probably be like double or triple that.

The rest of the day was pretty sad. In the morning I tried to play a new alpha, which went ok, but started to be unplayable only a few hours later due to the connection getting so bad. I could barely watch shows or read forums after that.

I decided to leave early and do my podcast and just hang out a school and play offline games.

When I got to school I felt very sad again. Not only was I unable to play and do what I wanted during the day, now at school I felt like even more of a failure. Here are some people (though not many because it's night) who were just starting out their adult lives. Everything is ahead of them. Some are just finding friends and at the beginning of their adventure in life. But me, in so many ways, feel like I'm at the end of mine. I have only a few friends. Even fewer who would want to hang out and do stuff if they were close enough. And it feels like there is nothing ahead of me. My jobs are never leading to a career. The online gaming stuff I'd like to do can't be done without the right in-home conditions, and that seems unlikely to happen. And new friends, new paths, new anything seems unlikely for me. Even if I get all of my remaining 40 years, it feels like they will be empty.

Day 2116 - 4/17 - Warm day

Today seemed like it was a pretty warm nice day. I had class in the morning, then was in a cooled room, so I never got to experience it. I was just out for a very brief while before work.

Ever since yesterday I've been looking forward to playing my new alpha. Not even three games in today there were toxic players. I really hope that isn't as bad of a sign as it seems. If it's this easy to run into toxic players that doesn't bode well for the game. I was having a lot of fun up until that point. Now... I feel sad, and mad, and genuinely embarrassed for a community I'm an MVP of. The people really should be better than that. I've never understood bullying or being toxic towards others, particularly in a situation like this when the game is brand new, still being tested, and everyone playing is new and doesn't know how to play.

Day 2117 - 4/18 - Disconnecting and reconnecting

Today was both bad and good. I tried to play my new test a bit, and in about half of the games there were ass hats, as there were last night. A few games were ok though. But the poo network disconnected me. I actually happened into a game with a streamer I watched a few times in the past weeks. He said hey and added me as a friend. Unfortunately I disconnected from that game, so I didn't get to play. I played my other test that's only open every other weekend too. It didn't really disconnect, but I wasn't really into it. I maxxed on the second weekend with the character I would play the most, so there's been very little for me to do since dungeons are the only things I can really do. I don't have the stability, more really the time, to do them unless I'm at work. And even then I can only wait for an hour. If I'm not in a dungeon by then I wouldn't have time.

I'm wondering though if I should just stop playing games against other people. I'm way to stressed out by ass hats who treat me or others poorly. I've pretty much not gone back to the shooter I got recently. I guess that was a mistake. But then, it sort of was the final nail in that proving I just really don't enjoy PvP shooters. But with the ass hats in my MOBA test, it seems I may not like PvP at all anymroe. Though I never really did.

My work is over and I'm packed up to go. But as with every work shift I have no home to go to. My weekend off will not be a weekend off. My connection will be unstable. I will have no privacy to watch a Saturday movie. I won't be able to sleep in, shower, or cook. And although I know I can live without these things, I still don't feel like I am really living without them. I simply exist and persist.

Day 2118 - 4/19 - Pre bunny day

Today was ok I suppose. I mostly played the games I wanted when I wanted. But I miss the old me. I miss the old days. Maybe someday I can have my old Saturdays back. Where I can sleep in until I wake up without an alarm, I can shower, I can play whatever with no fear of disconnecting. I can play or do homework whenever, with no limits or restraints on time. And I can eat how and what I want with no limits or constraints. That would be nice.

Day 2119 - 4/20 - Must have been hot

Today must have been hot. When I went to leave the coffee shop at night the juice and soda I got in the morning was warm in the trunk. While not deep in the trunk, it was still surprising to feel.

I guess today was ok. I played my games and watched shows and had some fun. But it was not how I'd have liked to spend it. It was bunny day. Though I'm single with no family or close friends, I'd have preferred to do a few special things, even if they were by myself. But I couldn't. I had to pretend like today was any other day and ignore the things I could not because they were too sad.

Day 2120 - 4/21 - Sad but tolerable

Today was sad but tolerable. It started with my alpha play ending earlier than expected due to an extra bad connection at the coffee shop. But I did my online work for my friend after, edited this week's fail, and had barely enough time to watch a couple of shows, so I guess it worked out. In the evening I had the good work connection, so I got to play a bit more, as well as watch a video stream.

I guess today wasn't too bad. Some things I am glad I don't have. I would much rather things be as they are than living with people I don't like, don't get along with, or don't trust. So I guess in that way it's good. Bt I don't understand why I haven't really had many good experiences, where I had enough money, and enough time with friends who supported me, and enough freedom and privacy to do the things I want. I suppose in a way I've always had a bit less than average, but I've never understood why I haven't had just a little bit more.

Day 2121 - 4/22 - Feel like I have a cold

Today I feel like I have a cold. I've been stuffed up, congested, and sneezing for a few days now. As of yesterday any physical activity makes me super tired. I'm not sleepy. In fact, I feel pretty good, but I'm tired physically.

I think class will go ok. I have a project due that I think turned out pretty good. After, I'll probably go to the little room in this area, then the pizza place after that to have a solid gaming connection for a bit. I can't get pizza though due to my tooth owies. The other day just two slices of tomato in a burger triggered the pain, so nothing is worth the risk. I'll get some garlic twist things though, those are yummy.

I guess I feel ok, but still very sad about all the things.

Week 304

Day 2122 - 4/23 - Remember

Today was okish. I tried to play a game and while I got a few games in the connection went to poo really quickly, so I didn't get to play anywhere near as much as I'd have liked.

There was an interesting thing in the afternoon. Someone said hey. I looked confused and said hey back to be polite. He asked if I remembered him. I said he looked familiar, but I didn't really remember where I knew him from. He said he used to work at the restaurant. I was like ooooh yeah. It was cool to see him. It's probably been a couple of years. He seemed good, but he had to rush off, so I didn't get a chance to catch up. It was nice to be remembered.

My day passed quickly enough, but I barely got to play or do anything I would have preferred to do. It would be so very nice to be back in a home again. But I'm still no closer to one as we near the end of year six as I was at the end of day six.

Day 2123 - 4/24 - Half chicken

Today was pretty good. In the morning I had class. We seem to have lost like 30% of the people, which seems really weird. But class was good. It's mostly looking at stuff the students do for projects, then we talk about it.

The evening at work was pretty good. I got to play my new alpha test quite a bit, so that was super happy. And there weren't any ass hats really, so that was good.

Dinner, however, went poorly. I got a whole roasted chicken from the store. It's always super yummy, but this time it made me have an emergency within less than an hour of eating it. I took the other half I'd saved and tossed it. I don't know if it was under cooked, but these chickens always seem to have that effect on me at some level. I think that will be the last time I trust the store on that. Nearly all the times I've gotten that it has ended badly. (Maybe a dozen times over these past few years.)

It's getting really tough to find food to eat. So much of it has bad effects on me, or is simply too expensive. I'm already very picky in what I eat, and it seems lately I'm down to almost half a dozen lunch or dinner choices. And half of these are micro foods, so it's really only a few options per meal. I guess I could try and rotate more soups in, but times seem extra sad.

Day 2124 - 4/25 - Sooooo tired

Today I am super tired. I'm not really sure why. Maybe it's because I have a cold. Maybe it's because I'm sad and really have nothing real to look forward to. Whatever the reason, I was barely able to keep my eyes open today.

I played my beta that is only open on the weekends most of today. It was ok, but it felt very lonely because there weren't very many people in my area. I tried to play my new alpha I'm having a lot of fun with, but I got disconnected before I'd even gotten in to a game, so that seems unlikely to be a possibility from the coffee shop lately. I decided to get a new game in a series I've never played before because everyone is hyping it. It seems interesting in the idea of it, but there is zero information about any for the stats and stuff in the game. So I feel really lost and confused.

As always, all I wished for today was to be back in my old life, a normal life. But it seems that is not something I can have.

Day 2125 - 4/26 - Not as planned

Today again didn't go as planned. The coffee shop also got terrible really early. I wound up mostly playing offline single player games, which was not how I planned to spend my day.

I cried a bit last night. Things feel so sad lately. I just want to go back home, but I don't have one, and it seems I may never have one again.

Day 2126 - 4/27 - Sad

Today I feel pretty sad. I feel like I'm running in circles and going nowhere. My life isn't changing, and while I admit part of that is my need to do things which make me feel as safe and secure as possible, I also don't want to take huge risks. I've never been fond of change, particularly big change. But a small change might be nice. And I may have to consider more small changes.

Like today it was pretty nice out after work. The coffee shop is usually crazy noisy and busy Sunday so I thought of going to school. But I'd have to sit outside on the concrete with no back support. But now, several hours later, I wonder if that wouldn't have been better. Nothing bad happened, but I really would have preferred the privacy. I guess that's why I started going to the small room on Tuesdays and Thursdays.

But I miss the old me. And the further I get from my memories the more sad I become. I am still here, but now I am just a ghost and a memory of myself, only really seen as I was in the reflection of others.

Day 2127 - 4/28 - Good chat

Today I started the day feeling pretty sad. My new alpha game couldn't be played because the connection was terrible. I did my online work. Then I decided to give a new game I got one last chance. I got it Friday and so far it's been really frustrating me and making me upset. Right when it started getting me frustrated again today someone next to me if it was such-n-such game. I said, 'yeah it is'. We talked for a bit about it. While not telling me how to play directly he gave me a few pointers and helped me kind of refocus. While it still wasn't a whole lot of fun after, it did seem not as terrible, so I'm willing to continue to give it a chance to see what all the hype is about. So that was nice.

Outside ofthat though things felt pretty lonely. I feel lost, helpless, and like noone seems to care about me. It seems like while moments like today may be a glimmer of hope, mostly I will just continue along in life alone, unacknowledged, and never really feel appreciated by more than a few.

Day 2128 - 4/29 - Maybe ok

Today may be ok. I have class in the morning. After, I'll try and do system page recommendation updates. Those have been kind of overdue. And then in the evening I've got an event thing to go to. Hopefully it will turn out ok because it will cost $15 just to get there in gas. I'd like to cover more events like it, but there just aren't many in my area.

I still feel pretty sad about everything. It seems like I'm not making any new friends, not finding anyone to date to fall in love, and my job paths haven't changed in forever. It seems like nothing will ever change and get better.

Comments and stuff Copyright E. Stryker 2008-2014
Pictures for Epic Fail are taken by me. :)

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