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Epic Fail: The Journal of a Homeless Gamer
Book 6: Fading memories

This is my journal I wrote during the time I was homeless. It is broken up by week for easier reading. Feel free to read it on the web or download the complete .pdf version and print it for reading offline.

Week 281

Day 1961 - 11/13 - Sad, but hopeful

Today I am sad, but hopeful. I didn't get to play a lot before class due to trying to do homework. Class was ok, but again confusing. After, I talked with the teacher. She still seems willing to let me have no time limit on the assignments due to my sad life and struggles with the material. Hopefully I can find someone to basically tell me how to do the homeworks because I really don't understand what I'm missing, but I'm hopeful that will turn out ok.

I'm still very sad. I again had bad homeless dreams. Again today, most of the day, I was sad that I was forced to be out in public and have no private space. And I was again sad that I seem to be failing at everything I'm doing. I'm beginning to feel more and more I belong in arts or entertainment, but all the things I do for those are 'hobbies'. Only my gaming stuff is really high quality. The rest would require big support. But even that just seems to be something noone seems interested in supporting me for.

I wonder how much longer I can carry on before my sad makes me truly lose it. It is already getting hard to not cry most of the time.

Day 1962 - 11/14 - Not foods

Today is sad. I guess my early day went ok-ish, but the evening was sad. On my way to work I decided to pick up stuff for nachos, something I haven't had in probably 4-6 months. The cheese pack I like apparently doesn't exist anymore. I didn't see a tag for it anywhere. I tried the next most similar one and it tasted very bland in comparison. It makes me feel like crying that something as simple as a snack is ruined. I guess I'll still eat the remaining 4-6 snacks it will produce, but the old cheese pack was so good. This has almost no flavor in comparison and what would have been joy feels more like punishment.

Also, I was updating things online and noticed there were PlayStation 4s showing as in-stock. That made me very sad. I don't have the money. And even if I did, it seems I can't avoid the $500 the tax people want, meaning getting one is likely impossible for just about 8 months at the soonest, with how my budget is looking. And while that is on my wish list, it is extremely unlikely anyone would get me one. Outside of the ex-guildies or friends helping with emergencies, like car trouble, or helping me get that first laptop, I don't think that I've ever goten more than $50 in a donation, with $10 or $20 being the average. And even still, it's typically 4 months or more between donations.

Today I feel sad that simple things don't seem to work out for me. And things that are nice or things which are slightly bigger deals seem to repeatedly get knocked out of reach again every time I get near.

Day 1963 - 11/15 - No more founders

Today was ok I guess. I had some fun and watched a few shows. I don't remember much. I did put out a resume, so that was unusual.

I decided I really can't afford extra founder's stuff, particularly if they are something which is free (post-launch). As much as I'd like to support various developers and get to things early, if I ever want my new console I really have to tighten things down. People that chat with me at work know I'm a big gamer and were already asking if I got one since it launched today. Sure, it will be sad, as it will be in storage for more time than it is not, but I guess I should concentrate on now, and what I do, or can have with my limitations. While I may never get to set it upon a big screen with my surround sound, at least I won't totally miss out if I do manage to get it.

Day 1964 - 11/16 - Bed time story

Today I felt tired, which is odd since I was awake about an hour before I needed to be. I was fine in the morning and early afternoon, but as we got to mid-afternoon and early evening I felt like I was going to fall asleep.

I have a podcast to listen to. There are only a few I listen to, but I love nights when I do. A while ago it struck me they are like bed time stories, taking me back to different places and times. I don't know if I enjoy that because it sort of uses my imagination, or if it's because it helps me feel like not me by having something to focus on other than my sad life.

Day 1965 - 11/17 - Sore parts, sad heart

Today is sad. I had an extra work shift in the morning that went ok. I played a bit too much. I wanted to try something out with my homework. But I guess it didn't matter. I tried the thing and 45 minutes later I was still no closer to even the first assignment being right. I posted on my page to see if anyone would step forward to help, but I think it's a lost cause at this point. I don't think there is any way I could pass. I may have to yet again find a new direction in life.

My parts hurt. My right foot has hurt forever, but now my left foot is starting to hurt as well. And as of today, my right wrist hurts sometimes. It's an odd pain, like I sprained it or something, though I don't know how.

There are a lot of houses and places with lights on them now. It's very sad because it reminds me of all the holiday things I can't do. I'm already constantly reminded of what I don't have. This just makes me more sad.

Every year everything that is normal seems to slip further and further from my grasp.

Day 1966 - 11/18 - Turned around

Today was mostly sad. I had an ok time in the morning. I did my online work for my friend and managed to find a job to put out a resume for. I played for a bit, checked some forums, and watched a few shows.

But class was again confusing and sad. I didn't really understand anything, and I really didn't do well on an in-class exercise. I think even with help getting my homeworks done I don't really see how it would be possible to pass without the teacher being super merciful and giving me a C- or something. Looking at what is offered next semester though there is really only one class I'd find useful. And if this class is any indication of what's to come for a degree I think I'll pass. I'm looking at redirecting into media. Unfortunately all there is at this college is maybe half a dozen cources all revolving around film. I think someting more audio oriented would pair well with my experience. Though I am beginning to think I may be happiest in something which is at least a little creative. I haven't been really happy in jobs which weren't.

My evening turned around though. I rented a movie for watching at work which may be the best B-movie I've ever seen. It made me super happy because I really miss watching those on Saturday night. It was one of the few traditions which were for me. Not something that was shared by everyone, not something my family used to do, just something I did. It's one thing to lose all the things I used to do that everyone does, but it is extra sad to lose things specific to me.

Day 1967 - 11/19 - Ok, but sleepy

Today I guess I'm ok so far, but it's early morning and I'm sleepy. I may have caught a cold from the people who come to the coffee shop. There are a few who are almost always coughing, clearing their throat, or congested. The other day I saw someone had an entire regular sized box of tissues. It's like, really? If you are sick don't come to the coffee shop (or other public places) and do stuff for hours. Keep your sick ass at home and do that so you don't spread your cold. I honestly don't understand people who come and spend so much time here who are obviously not homeless. It's like, can you really not study or get private time to watch your shows at home? That's hard to believe.

Hopefully today will be ok. I'd like to take it off and just relax and play games, but I may be forced to do some dumb homework stuff. Today is the only day during the week I don't have class or work, so I like to leave it for a rest day. Right now someone is in my spot. She's sitting there looking at something on her phone without earphones, with empty dishes. I don't understand why she doesn't move on to somewhere warmer. There is this guy next to her. He has been taking my spot frequently lately until almost noon. So, I'm pretty irked about it. He knows I take it immediately when I leave, so it's obviously my regular spot. That's just rude to take someone's regular spot when you know they have been there longer. My spot is really the only spot in the whole place I'm comfortable; physically and emotionally. I don't mind being in the open in other spots, but the tables are either small ones (too small to fit comfortably) or they require regular chairs, which don't have the lower back support I need.

I guess I'm mostly just complaining, but it seems like today is just a reminder that so much of my life is out of my control and there isn't anything I can do about it.

Week 282

Day 1968 - 11/20 - Moving forward

Today was kind of sad. Again the guy was in my spot all morning. Again class was confusing and way beyond my understanding level. When I went back to the coffee shop I was in a bad spot on a wiggly table.

I guess all I can really do is hope for the best that things will turn out ok and keep trying to focus on moving forward and what seems to hold the greatest chance for happiness ahead.

Day 1969 - 11/21 - Hanging on

Once upon a time there was a poster which was very popular. It was a picture of a cat stuck, hanging down, clinging to a tree branch. And there was usually a caption that read, 'hang in there.' More and more as I think about my sad life and I think about the terrible day when I have to purge more of my stuff, I think that it is really the stuff we hang on to which defines us. What do we keep close, what do we keep near enough, and what do we let go of.

So many think that when you are in trouble the easiest answer is to sell off what you can't use right then to make any money to scrape by day by day. I've never agreed with that. I've never thought that was the answer.

While who we are lies at our core and can never be changed regardless of what we have or do not have, I really think what we can show, and what we choose to show to others, often has the greatest impact on how we are perceived. And ultimately, if people decide if we need help or not based on those perceptions.

Day 1970 - 11/22 - Sad feelings

Today was pretty good, but I've been feeling sad as the evening went on. I'm super committed to getting the PlayStation 4. And if all goes well with my budget (even with paying the IRS the $500 they keep demanding) I should be able to get one in January when I get my tax return, much sooner than I originally thought. I think I've just been getting sad because of that. Even if I can play where I hope to, I'll only have access to it a few days out of the week. And thinking back to my PlayStation 3 (which I'll be giving to the not-sis' family) that system has now spent twice as much time in storage than it was out in my room where I could play it.

I have happy things in my life. And, with great effort, I can have new ones. But my life is still limited. It isn't what I once had. What I did have is fading away. And all I can do is try to move forward, even though many times moving through to go forward makes me more sad.

Day 1971 - 11/23 - The beautiful girl

Today was pretty much a regular Saturday except for the beautiful girl. It was around maybe 11:30 she first came in. I saw her as I passed by to go to the bathroom, and then a bit later watched her as she got water. I guess I was loooooking at her. She saw me and smiled and waved. It couldn't have been a mistake. There was noone else near me she could have meant to send that to. I wonder if she used to be a regular here. She seemed to smile and wave out of recognition, but I'd absolutely remember someone so attractive and beautiful. Plus, she was unusually tall. I shyly looked away. But after a bit I was still smiling. And throughout the day the thought of her made me smiley and happy. Only half a dozen girls in my entire life have had that effect on me. I hope everyone meets someone who has that effect on them and they live happily ever after.

She came back hours later with her mom, maybe around 3:30. Again she smiled when she saw me, as if seeing an old friend. I'm not sure why she smiled or waved. It would be nice to think she did so because I make her smiley. I'm cute, but certainly not what the average beautiful model-like girl would consider attractive.

It was odd, but has made me hopeful that somewhere out there is a girl like that for me. Maybe it's her. I guess time will tell.

Day 1972 - 11/24 - Just being friendly

Today I think I got my answer about the really attractive / beautiful girl. I was right. She used to be a regular. It's been probably three months, maybe closer to six, since I've seen her. She would always sit in the front though, which is why I didn't immediately recognize her. Today I saw her again. I saw she had a small book out along with papers scattered on the table. That's when I remembered her for sure. I recalled thinking how odd it was that she used something that seemed like something a scientist, archeologist, or detective might have used 100 years ago. Most these days use computers, or more recently tablets, or regular sized binders. Today again there was a smile on one of her trips to get water, but she did not go out of her way to say hi to me or anything. It was just an in passing thing, nothing more.

I suppose that's sad, but really she is too young for me to approach. She should be with someone younger than me, with a better chance for a good future. Of course, if she approached me I would be super flattered and willing to see where things went.

But sadly it seems Fate likely has a different plan for me. And more sadly, if recent years are any indication of things it seems I am destined to walk this path alone. At least for a while.

Day 1973 - 11/25 - Monday laundry and acceptance

Today I did laundry on Monday for the first time in at least three months. Since this class started I've had to switch to Thursdays. While this really has had little to no impact on things it's always felt strange. It was good to be able to do it on my regular day.

I did it today because I have accepted what is, or more accurately what is not. There is really no way I see to pass the class. There is just about 1.5 weeks left and without a personal tutor who would spend a ton of time on me, I see no way to get the points to pass. Even if I did pass, what then? I've never been good with these classes. I struggled with the Unix class. And last time I tried the class I'm doing I had just as much difficulty as this time.

So, I accept. I accept that this is too difficult for me. I accept that this is not the right path. I will keep my time for myself and in a week and a half I will return one last time for the final. (Which I really stand no chance of passing.) I accept that I am happy doing creative things with media, and that is what I will try next. (Which, I suppose, was always an obvious path, as I was recording and mixing stuff as young as 8-years-old.) I accept that I am lost in life. And, I accept that in order to stop being lost I must be found. And that lies outside of me.

Day 1974 - 11/26 - Ok for what it is

Today seems ok for what my life is. I feel sad about the upcoming holiday. I feel sad about how I must enjoy my various entertainment. But I feel ok about my new direction. Previously I didn't go that way because, well, I wasn't doing it as much with it back when I first had to re-direct. But I was also wounded so badly I tried to find the closest traditional thing to what I was trying to do. Redirecting to media and entertainment stuff is a risk. It isn't a traditional field due to how few make it in. Particularly now with so many doing things from home at amateur levels. It will likely serve me well if I can ever do more rabb1t life stuff, but it may never lead to a solid paying job. I guess though if I've learned anything lately only a very small percent of people in any field seem to get somewhere based on skill alone. More often it seems like you need a connection, someone who offers you that opportunity, or you need flat luck or likeability where someone gives you that break. All of that lies outside of my control. For whatever reason I've always been thought of as awesome in a limited capacity, special, and unique. But I'm never that first pick. I'm never the guy given that rare opportunity. I am the guy who falls through the cracks or gets places I'm not supposed to be yet.

What does the future hold for me? I just don't know anymore. I guess I just have to take it one very small step at a time, try to be happy with what I have, no longer have the luxury of planning for what may be, and hopefully by trying to make myself happy where I can for now things will turn out ok in the end.


A t-shirt to remember a convention I could only watch.
1600 x ?
1920 x ?

Comments and stuff Copyright E. Stryker 2008-2013
Pictures for Epic Fail are taken by me. :)

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