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Epic Fail: The Journal of a Homeless Gamer
Book 12: Unknown Beyond

This is my journal I wrote during the time I was homeless. It is broken up by week for easier reading. Feel free to read it on the web or download the complete .pdf version and print it for reading offline.

View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 1 .pdf paperback book
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View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 6 .pdf paperback book
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View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 9 .pdf paperback book
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View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 12 .pdf paperback book
These include the Table of Contents, Glossary and links, all weeks, all pictures, and index.


Week 575

Day 4019 - 7/3 - As expected, no contact

Today is the end of the week I had my parking permit, and as expected there has been no contact from the professor. It's sad because it is really nice and quiet on the floor, but not so completely empty that it feels super weird. I mean, sure, there were fewer than half a dozen people on the floor before the class that started at 2:30, and even then I didn't really see them. But I heard people on the floor above me all day, so it didn't feel as empty as it was. I don't have a lot of choice, though next week I may try to see if there is parking close by, I'll be there to shower anyways. I've heard over by the apartments on the other far side of campus people often find spots, so I'll check over there. Though that is probably as much as a 10 minute walk, so that's not great for my feet. I'll not worry about it until next week. At this point it's still five days from now, and any number of things can change before then.

I guess it was an ok day. My MMO was pretty empty, so I had a hard time finding a group for the special raid. I tried to organize one and it ended really badly, like top five worst group experiences since I started playing more than four years ago. There were some brand new to the raid, so I was trying to go slow and explain things to them, and there were some just completely rushing ahead not caring, starting fights mid-explanation and wiping the group. Two wipes were because a pet ran off and attacked the boss, which from what little I played of a pet class I know you can set it so they are passive and there's zero chance that would happen. So I don't know what the problem was.

I guess it's ok though. There are so many people on the server I'll probably never see those people again. And, I did a different group a few hours later and it was ok. I didn't get any loot I needed, but I did sort of start collecting some for an alt character, which I guess is ok. I really only play the one character, but it's good to have extra gear if I do ever have a different body I want to play regularly.

I'm really tired today. I'm not sure why. I actually slept really well last night. Possibly the best in the past year. I guess it's just stress and exhaustion from... everything. Since I can't ever really 'stop' and get any kind of real break for my sad homeless life. It will always be pressuring and wearing me down at some level, even if I can distract myself on the surface with fun nice things.

I got some help from a friend yesterday, but I'm still a long ways off from enough to pay the car registration. So I am still extremely worried about that. But I try to hang on. Hopefully soon more help and donations will come. And hopefully I can hang on until they do.

Day 4020 - 7/4 - Unexpectedly ok

Today was unexpectedly ok. At least so far, as it's only late day / early evening now. There is still the evening and pew pew time to get through later. But my connection at the food store was stable, though low bandwidth. I did both everything I expected and everything extra I had planned to do. I even got into a special raid, though I wasn't expecting anyone to be grouping today, so that was a surprise. And I got an item that I was hoping to get.

There were many beautiful girls and couples out and about getting stuff for parties. And the later it got in the day the more I saw, and the more sad I became that I'm alone and don't have people in my life to do that. Even if I did, that wouldn't change the fact that I have nothing for gas, so I wouldn't be able to go places to do stuff even if I did have people.

I suppose that the day wasn't terrible. It was more ok than I thought it would be. I continue to try to hang on to hope that more help will come in time to pay the registration due in a few weeks, and the car insurance hopefully too. And hopefully I can continue to hang on until better days.

Day 4021 - 7/5 - Sad day

Today I am feeling pretty sad. The day was fine, I guess, but I don't know. I guess maybe it was probably all the firework scares last night, or how that kept me up, or how I knew people were doing things with friends and I wasn't. Or maybe just the general sad life and everything getting me down, because with the start of the fail year I am reminded of several timers ticking away and I feel like I can't stop them. (Contacts, damage and risk from bad blood pressure, car registration and insurance coming due, even just weekly gas.)

The connection at the food store in the morning wasn't the best, but I wasn't there long. When I got to the library I started to get really cold as early as 11 AM. Though I did get to do a fancy raid activity, and got an item I was looking for, so now there is really only one more and I can stop doing it if I want.

I guess today was actually ok. But I feel exhausted. I want real food. I want to be warm, somewhere private, and comfortable. I want to have a bath and put on clean cloths after. I want to sleep and not have to worry about it, or worry about when I have to get up.

But that is not an option with my current life. And those things may never be again. All I can do is try to continue to hang on.

Day 4022 - 7/6 - Still a bit sad

Today was ok, but I still feel a bit sad. I'm still exhausted feeling. I got into another raid and tried some different abilities, but my brain was not having it. It just freaked out, so I changed back to normal. I felt out of sorts and off overall, not just because the ability was 'throwing off my rotation', but it felt like I was in high school and I'd been sent to a completely different school than normal in cloths that were not my own. I continued to feel off like that most of the day. I'm not sure why.

I guess it was an ok day. I had fun in my MMO. I watched some shows. The food I had... was not completely terrible. And while I suppose nothing bad happened, I'm no closer to paying the overdue car insurance or registration. I continue to become more and more worried. And I try to continue to hang on to hope.

Day 4023 - 7/7 - Raid complete

Today I basically got the last thing for the second set of gear I was looking for from the raid. As I expected, it wasn't as good as the first set I finished a week ago. It's more group focused, and while I do heal far more often than not, it requires people activate a special thing during combat, which they don't really do in pickup groups. So the set that doesn't require that is a lot stronger. But I have all the things, and so I have more options, so that's fun. Again it's a circular thing though, because if I don't do that content I don't need that gear. And really the only other gear I want from that kind of content is a raid mode people don't really do, sooooo. Options are good, and I achieved a goal. I got something I tried to get, which is not something I have a chance to do 'in the real world'.

I guess it was a pretty ok day. I felt pretty sad and tired. The bandwidth at the library started getting pretty bad by 2:30, and I was cold enough I had to put on my hoodie by about 1. But I did have fun in my game. I grouped with some nice people .And I did watch a few shows.

There were no donations or help, and so I'm extremely worried as I am now down to just two weeks before the registration is due. I hope help comes, but I've not heard from either of the regular helpers lately, so I have no idea if more help will come, or when. All I can do is try to continue to hang on to hope that it will, from them or from others, and hopefully I can hang on until it does.

Day 4024 - 7/8 - Eight minutes

Today was the first day of parking around the other side of campus. I was right in where I thought there would be parking based on what others have told me. When I got there in the S of the curved area I could see about 50 parking spots, and probably 90% were taken. Plenty open to easily park, with no doubt more around the curve. I wondered why so many cars were there as that street is between a dead mall (flagged for demolition) and an apartment complex. I chuckled when I came back to the car in the evening because only about eight cars were there besides mine.

The walk from the spot was about eight minutes. It's certainly doable, though in the morning I was hot, exhausted, and it took nearly an hour to recover. The evening was easier, likely due to a lower temperature, not carrying food, and knowing what to expect from the walk. I recovered in probably 15 minutes. It's certainly a lot more bearable of a walk than what it will be in a few weeks when I'm out of gas and my registration is past due. It likely will take longer than the eight minutes pretty quickly, as walking will take a bigger toll on me as time goes on, but that will be nothing compared to the 1.5 hour walk it will be without gas.

Still no donations. Nor other help. And no word on help coming. I do hope help and donations come in time to pay the car registration in a couple of weeks. It would be disastrous if not since I'm homeless. But all I can do is hope help does come, and try to hang on in the meantime.

Day 4025 - 7/9 - Winter is coming

Today is pretty gray and chilly. It's like winter is already coming. I got a 'walking shirt' today and just wore that on the walk to campus. I think it helped a lot. My cloths won't get stinky and I'm cooling quite a bit quicker. It's been about 30 minutes since settling and I'm almost back to regular temperatures.

I didn't bring my hoodie as I noticed last night it was pretty stinky. I'm not sure why, but I didn't notice before. I think I'll keep that in the ex-garage with the other dirty cloths and maybe probably swap to the old one I have in the car. It was washed then set aside when I got the newer one. It's torn pretty badly in a few spots, but it smells nice and clean, because it is, so on the weekends when I'm at the library I'll use that when I need to. A few days now and then shouldn't make it smell too bad for a while.

I don't know what the day will hold, but I'm settled in and pretty comfy in my school spot. I'm on the verge of panic all the time about my car registration as it's now due in less than two weeks. But all I can do is continue to try and stay hopeful help and donations come to pay it in time. And try to hang on in the meantime.

Week 576

Day 4026 - 7/10 - Pain in the eye

Today one of my last contacts has been hurting my eye for a bit. It feels like something is stuck to the contact and scratching my eye, but I don't see anything when I inspect it. All the contacts I have (only three at this point) are three or four months old, if not older, so I am on a very rapidly diminishing timer before they either cause extreme pain all the time, or are simply unusable.

I suppose though, as extremely bad as that is, the fact that I have no money for the car registration due in almost exactly 1.5 weeks is the more critical concern. I can deal with some pain, and have been for months, but at this point I'm on a rapidly ticking clock before I get ticketed, or worse. And with needing to keep my car on the street because I'm homeless, who knows how rapidly that will end badly. I'm sure it won't be very long.

The school has become a ghost town. People who were going to take classes have settled in. They come and go, but no one is sticking around. They know their schedule and they aren't around when they don't have class.

I suppose I had fun with my game, though for some reason population has been down to like 1/4 the number of people it has been the past few weeks. I guess it's possible everyone is on the test server, which just opened, but it seems like an extreme drop in player count.

I have been peeking back in to my old shooter a bit too. It still feels pretty empty, and since I can't do most things because a lot of stuff is behind a pay wall, I still feel like I'm separated from the bulk of players and an unwanted player in the game.

I guess all I can do is try to hang on and hope help and donations come in time. I don't know how I'll pay registration, insurance, or even weekly gas without help. So I try to keep hoping. And I try to hang on.

Day 4027 - 7/11 - Like a plastic bag

Today was a bit different. I chatted briefly with a couple of professors, so that was nice. I watched a stream of a game that comes out on my birthday that I want very much. And I played in my MMO.

In the afternoon my MMO took quite an unexpected shift. A call for the very hardest version of the raid came up. I decided to give it a try. Fooooo was it way harder than normal version. We spent not quite three hours trying to do just the first boss and couldn't get past it. In regular mode you can do the entire thing in 30-45 minutes. I mean, sure, if people were all super experienced we probably would have finished in half that time, but it was super tough.

I guess I had a good time, but I think the super hard raid content isn't for me. It's a ton more effort and stress for gear which is maybe 1-2% better than what I have. I may try again with that guild, as there is an open invitation to try when they go again, but it may be that just isn't content I'll do a lot, or at all, until I'm settled in a home again.

One of my contacts has been getting really bad. In a couple of hours of wearing it sort of gets super dry and feels like a dry plastic bag on my eye. It has a hard time staying in place and gets pretty blurry. I may have to change it to see if one of the other old ones are better. Though if I recall things are all basically screaming levels of pain bad, so this may be it.

There were no donations or offers of help, so I continue to panic over the car registration being due in about a week. I don't know how I'll make it. All I can do is continue to hope help comes in time. And hopefully I can hang on until it does,

Day 4028 - 7/12 - Not achieved

Today was pretty good, I suppose. The connection at the food store in the morning was weak, but it's ok because I didn't spend a lot of time there. The connection at the library was about as expected considering it's summer. It was pretty solid until about 1, and by 3 it was getting very questionable for gaming, so I got offline after that. I had a couple of special dungeon things I wanted to do, and when I tried today I didn't get the items I wanted. They should be just a few tries to get them each, so it's just a matter of finding groups.

I was prepared to be freezing at the library, but it wasn't too bad. I had an undershirt on and I never felt like I needed to put on my hoodie. Which is great, as it means an overall reduction in clothing use.

I got word from dad he sent some money, so hopefully that will get to me in a few days. It will help, and it's a decent amount, but I'm still a very far way from the $200 for the registration and smog due in a week, let alone $40 for insurance, $8 for gas a week, or the now rapidly degrading last few contacts.

My left contact was feeing flaky again. I took it out and examined it, for probably the twentieth time lately, and I did notice a tiny crescent tear on one side, and a wiggly not quite tear on the other side. I decided to swap what eye it was in. My right eye seems to be handling it fine. The left kept freaking out. Though it still kind of feels like something is off. Like something is stuck under my eyelid. I'll try to flood my eye tonight or maybe tomorrow and hope it becomes less aggravated.

So I continue to try to hang on help and donations come in time. And hopefully I can continue to hang on until it does.

Day 4029 - 7/13 - Achieved / Bread and chips

Today I got half way through my lunch sandwich and decided to toss the meat. I'd guess it went bad last night due to it being pretty warm. It's always a risk to keep food overnight when it's not winter, especially if it's meat. So mostly today I've just had bread and chips to eat. Oddly I don't feel as hungry as I thought I would. I'm ok with it.

The daily dungeons in my MMO are the ones I need items from. And in a huge surprise after a few tries I got the things I wanted. Which is weird to think I not only got one, but both. So I achieved the things I set out to get quicker than I expected. I still have stuff I need to do to tweak many things, so that is the next big goal. This could be as long as a month because it's based on special tokens which I normally only get about 5 of a day, and each changed item takes 50.

I guess it was an ok day all things considered. By about 3 the connection was getting really bad. I watched a show I had gotten offline and when I peeked back online the connection had fully disconnected me. I popped back on, and after a bit it disconnected me again. Which, I guess, is ok since I wasn't really trying to use it a lot during those times.

Of course things would have been nicer if I had money to just buy a fast or medium speed food dinner, so it was sad I didn't have that option. But I try to hang on to hope help will come to pay for the bills. And I continue to try to hang on until it does.

Day 4030 - 7/14 - A day of worrying

Today was filled with worry. I'm worried about the car registration I can't pay due in a week. I'm worried I'm two weeks past on insurance. I'm worried about my contacts. I'm worried about my overall health, especially with all the constant stress, which seems ever increasing because of all the other worries.

I guess I had an ok time in my game, though bandwidth was getting really bad by 1 and after that I was limping along with lag locks and disconnections. I gave up trying to play around 3:30, and just did offline stuff for a bit. After people started leaving around 5 I spent the rest of the time watching shows.

I was cold. I had to put on my hoodie just after noon. It had been warm enough in the library the past couple of days I was hoping that would continue, but I guess not. I was pretty hungry too. I guess not eating much yesterday finally caught up with me. I can get better food tomorrow to catch up a little hopefully. But mostly today I was just worried and stressed.

For the moment though I try not to worry too much. Hopefully help and donations will come soon and I can pay the important bills. And hopefully I can continue to hang on until they do.

Day 4031 - 7/15 - Unfocused

Today my eyes refused to focus on anything. I'm pretty sure it wasn't a contact issue. Once you wear them long enough you can tell the difference between your eyes not wanting to focus and their being unable to focus due to bad contacts. My brain was equally unfocused. I suppose the two may have been related issues.

The graphics professor came by. He and I talk about science fiction movies and shows, but also sometimes school stuff. It was nice to chat with someone a bit. I think there were maybe four people on the floor all day. Which, again, is nice to have a day that's relatively private. Privacy, dark, quiet, are all things you almost never get when homeless. But I did feel a bit sad and lonely all day. I played videos in the background while I played my game so I would have something to listen to. Normally multiple sound sources like that bother me, but I put the game sound down to almost completely inaudible. It felt too lonely to just play my game.

I found two more feathers today. Again almost the exact same size and color as the others. One was right outside my car door as I got to campus to shower. The other was on the grass as I was walking in to campus. I suppose it's just birds losing their winter layers, or change in preparation for a new winter layer, but it seems like a sign. They are too exactly in my path, which can vary from day-to-day, to not seem like some kind of sign.

So I try to hang on to hope. I try to take the feathers as a sign I'm watched over. And hopefully help and donations come in time to pay the car registration due in a week. And hopefully I can continue to hang on.

Day 4032 - 7/16 - So much crying

Today I still feel very sad from last night. Last night I was thinking about all my loss and cried quite a bit. I cried because my dad sent some help and he shouldn't need to at his age. I cried because he wasn't a proper caring father when I was growing up, and that is likely an underlying cause of many of my issues in my life so far. I cried at all the time and life lost trying to find a path in school and life. I cried thinking about what the professor said last night, how he made about 10k per class, and that meant the professor I was helping was getting 10-13k a month before taxes all these years I was helping, and she never offered any kind of help or compensation. I cried at the loss of not only my favorite tooth, but at the top front one, all the others, and that it may only be a few more years before all of the top front ones are gone. I cried that my ankle that has the partly deformed bone bits are feeling swollen and pained from all the walking to and from my car. And again I cried at the loss of me, as it feels I am alone, no one cares, and I will soon die, having never been able to recover.

But I know that isn't true. A few people every quarter said they wouldnt have passed without my help, so my sacrifice did mean something. A few do send well-wishing or help, so there are some who watch out and care for me. And while I probably only have 10-15 years left before things physically really start to go bad, with hopefully 40 years left there is still time to recover, find new friends, and maybe even find love and a family.

So I try not to cry. I try not to feel so sad. And I continue to hope help and donations come in time. And that I can continue to hang on.

Comments and stuff Copyright E. Stryker 2008-2019
Pictures for Epic Fail are taken by me. :)

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