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Epic Fail: The Journal of a Homeless Gamer
Book 12: Unknown Beyond

This is my journal I wrote during the time I was homeless. It is broken up by week for easier reading. Feel free to read it on the web or download the complete .pdf version and print it for reading offline.

View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 1 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 2 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 3 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 4 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 5 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 6 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 7 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 8 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 9 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 10 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 11 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 12 .pdf paperback book
These include the Table of Contents, Glossary and links, all weeks, all pictures, and index.

Week 601

Day 4201 - 1/1/20 - Maybe recurring

Today started with word from the gray ghost. He had a good Xmas and New Year time with his family and wanted to let me know that he's going to try to send a recurring payment to help me out. He said he may need to cancel if there is an emergency, so I told him if there were don't worry and take care of them first, and I won't 'expect' one every month. So that will be super helpful.

The rest of the day was pretty tolerable. The sitting area at the food store was basically empty. There were a few around during eating times, but mostly I was alone. Due to the bright lights and constant loud music my ears were ringing a bit. It will take a while to recover.

But now it's night. I can settle and hopefully rest a bit. And hopefully I can continue to hang on emotionally and physically until better days.

Day 4202 - 1/2 - Open for showering

Today was the first day school was open again and I could do a big shower. I dedicated all of my pre-library time to the shower to be sure I had enough time. It's a bit odd to not feel itching or scruffiness from too much hair now, but it's how I should feel, so things are starting to return to normal feeling.

Other than that it was a pretty normal homeless library day. Losing those first few hours things felt a bit rushed, but really since it's just playing games right now it was fine to be rushed and have what feels like a little less time with things.

Overall it was a pretty ok day, though much colder than I'd like in the library, as it was so cold my towel I brought in wasn't drying even after two hours inside. I took it outside to the car and it was much warmer there. But the connection was fine, and no one at the table bugged me, so I guess the day was ok. I try to continue to hang on physically and emotionally, and hopefully can make it to better days.

Day 4203 - 1/3 - Hoodie day

Today the food store and the library were too cold to take off my hoodie, so I've not taken it off all day. I hate to do that. I guess it was ok though. Sometimes it bothers me, but it didn't bother me today. I guess because subconsciously I knew I'd be cold if I did. Even with it on I was still chilly.

For some reason it felt like it's been a week since yesterday, not less than one day. I guess maybe because all the 'vacation time' has blurred together to basically be the same day over and over that it's starting to seriously distort my sense of time. Well, two more days then I'll be back at school. Yet again trying to take classes to land somewhere, yet again hoping maybe something will change because of it.

But I guess outside of those things the day was ok. I survived. And so I continue to try to hang on.

Day 4204 - 1/4 - Way too cold

Today the library was way too cold. By the early afternoon I'd put my hoodie on. And by early evening I was shivering from cold. I really don't get why it's so cold there. There was some old man sitting next to me who kept farting and reeked of death. I guess it's not his fault, but how can you be unaware of that and not chose the spot not close to others.

I guess today was ok other than the extreme cold and smell. I played my games and I guess I felt a touch sad, so I stopped playing things early and watched some extra shows.

There were no donations or help, but I try to continue to hang on to hope, and hopefully I can make it to better days.

Day 4205 - 1/5 - Fancy theater

Today I left the freezing library early in the mid-afternoon to go see a movie. I didn't have enough on the gift card for the super fancy version, as that's typically around $20-25, so I decided to try out a new version that took the $17 on the gift card instead. I think it actually wound up being a better choice. The theater was crazy. The chairs had a couple more inches room, but the fanciest part was they had head and foot rests that were controlled by a motor independently. And when it got very loud all the seats got rumbly. As it seems like it always must be lately I had some bad neighbors. There were some late teens who were yapping and wouldn't be quiet. After about 15 minutes I stared right at them and said, 'can you shut the hell up or move over.' Of course the entire rest of my row, and the two in front were empty, but they had to be right next to me. (Around here seats are 'assigned' now according to what you buy.) They did stay quiet after, but at that point their yammering had already burnt into my brain.

That was really it for the day. Nothing else special or terrible happened. Hopefully in the coming days my mind will only remember the good parts of today. And hopefully school will be good since it starts tomorrow. And hopefully I can continue to hang on until better days.

Day 4206 - 1/6 - A good start

Today felt like a good start to the quarter. I have sort of an intro level class (M/W), so it probably won't be anything I don't already know, or haven't already done in other classes recently. But she seems nice, which I kind of knew already because she's passed by my spot many times in the hall.

She did chat with me a bit after class wondering why the professor I TAed for left. She also mentioned the current friendly professor has that open position. She seemed genuinely shocked when I said the school disqualifies me for paid positions because I already have my Associates and Bachelors. She said she was happy to have me in class, and I did get a big smile and laugh when I mentioned that the time I worked in graphic design was, "before most of these kids were born," using my 'old man voice'.

Though it seemed there were a higher number of classes than usual today, things were pretty quiet and calm. But I suppose that was mostly due to the continuing trend of students coming to class then immediately leaving the floor when they are over.

I'm sure tomorrow will be fine since it's with the (current) friendly professor. I'm sure we'll chat about the movie I saw the other day, as he's a pretty big fan of the franchise. I expect it will be a pretty regular day other than that. So I try to focus on what's positive that I have left. And hopefully I can hang on until better days.

Day 4207 - 1/7 - Too cold

Today it is too cold for me. It's not too cold overall though. Things aren't frozen like they have been lately. Which is good, as it means things may not get as cold this year as it has been in the past. But it is cold enough that walking around outside my feet get half numb.

It is a bit early, so I don't have to rush writing today. But class is starting pretty soon and hopefully it will be fun and interesting. I'm slowly starting to warm up, so that's good too. I haven't checked online yet, but hopefully more help will come soon and I can hang on until my forever better days.

Week 602

Day 4208 - 1/8 - Wrong pants

Today I kind of had the wrong pants on. It's not that they weren't functioning, or I had a special event. It's just when I grabbed them in the dark after peeking with my tablet light I thought I got one specific pair. When I got them on and looked at them in the light they were a different pair. It wasn't so much the fact that they were the 'wrong' pair, but why they were that bothered me.

It served as yet another reminder that my life is less than everyone else. I didn't have full, or even half light, to see what I was getting. I got them out of a bag, not a drawer. I had to consider carefully what I'm wearing, for how long, which days, all so I can juggle the appearance of changing more frequently than I actually do because I don't want to 'wear out' my good cloths from over-use, so my choices of what to wear is greatly limited.

Today I was listened to and maybe even appreciated. (I noticed a girl even smiled and laughed as I said something to someone else that was funny. I've seen her on the floor for a few years and always considered her 'cute as a button'.) I still feel sad and depressed lately. More and more I am not talking in the guild chat in my MMO, and doing quicker and quicker sessions. And sometimes I may play my shooter more than normal, but it's just because I'm shooting things and there is zero thought just about, so it's an easy loop to lose myself in and ignore my sad things. But even that lately is losing appeal and I'm starting to leave after shorter sessions to just watch nothing videos.

I guess the day wasn't terrible. Things seemed too loud, and my ears are ringing. Class seemed fine, though there wasn't much too it. It feels like I'm two weeks into the quarter instead of only three days. And though there is a little bit of extra news for a computing show that means slightly more powerful laptops just around the corner, it makes me very sad that I don't have the even $1k for what will be the cheaper ones, ones that would be 400-500% more powerful than my old system. (And, of course, not crash when trying to play more demanding new games.)

So today I again put my head down, while I hear what is ahead. I try not to look because it mostly reminds me of limitations I have in my life. I try to focus on what is still within my reach, and hold on tight to what is left before it's all gone.

Day 4209 - 1/9 - Raining again

Today it's raining again. It didn't rain too much on me though. I just saw evidence of it and heard it in the night.

I guess class was ok. We talked a little about upcoming projects and then watched a few short videos. I guess I like my classes ok. People seem to appreciate my comments and the class work seems ok, just busywork. There are a few cute girls, but as always they don't give me a second glance. Which is fine, as they are basically way too young to be interested.

I had a bit tougher time in my games. The connection was kind of garbage, disconnecting me several times and heavily laggy when trying to do group activities. I gave up early and played a bit offline, then just watched extra shows.

I was extremely sleepy today - to the point of wondering if something is wrong. I had good sleep last night, and a decent amount. But I barely could keep my eyes open. I couldnt focus on anything. And all day, even now, my head feels like it has a headache, and like so many repeating thoughts are bouncing around in my head that it will explode. My ears are ringing pretty badly, and I have sneezed a ton. So maybe I have a cold, I'm not sure.

As always, it seems all I can do is hope help and donations come, and that I can hang on until forever better days.

Day 4210 - 1/10 - In the hall

Today was a regular homeless day in the hall at school. I took the day off and watched shows and played some games. I do have something due Wednesday, so I should maybe work a bit on that on the weekend. And I think some stuff is due the Sunday after this one for the other class. But there is enough time for that.

There were quite a few people around early in the day, with a peak of three classes on the floor. But by about 1:30 things slowed down a lot. Two of the classes had ended and at 4:30 the last one ended. The floor was still open for a couple more hours, but it was empty at that point. It felt pretty lonely today, but it felt lonely all day emotionally. I kept thinking how I'm doing everything alone and with the combination of limited opportunity and being a bit picky with who I would do things with, my thoughts kept returning to wondering if I would ever really 'have people'.

I guess I made it through the day. The day started frozen, so it was a rough start, but things continued to work ok through the day. So me and my stuff survive another day. And hopefully I can continue to hang on until more help and donations come. And hopefully I can make it to better days.

Day 4211 - 1/11 - The out of towners

Today went very quickly. My time at the food store and library was ok. But in the early afternoon I went to a sort of hang out party with some people visiting from out of town who I probably haven't seen in 10 years. I also saw someone who I haven't seen in probably about 5 who I've known since I was 12. I see them every 5 or 10 years. We've never really been super close, but this time I'm not sure if they recognized me or not. Aside from my hair I really look the same as I have for probably the last 15 years. I look vastly younger than others 'in my age group'. But then they know how to get a hold of me, so it may just be a case of 'I've always been in the background and always will be' so they don't expect that to change.

I guess today was ok. I got some unexpected laundry time, so that was a pretty big boon. Things were ok and different, but a bit loud and overly stimulating. I didn't get to play or watch shows much, but that's ok. Things will be normal tomorrow I'm sure. I suppose I've survived another day and sometimes that's all I can do. So I try to hope help and opportunity come. And I try to hang on until better days.

Day 4212 - 1/12 - Maybe need a sign

Today I feel like maybe I need to make a sign for my library table that reads, "no smoking, no farting." This is the second week in a row people have sat nearby that didn't smell good. I really miss the days of my semi-private two-top table.

I guess the day was pretty good other than that. I played my MMO for a bit. I watched news about a game that's going into open beta in a couple of weeks that I've been pretty excited about. (Open beta means it's not released, but everyone can play.) I played my shooter too for a little bit. Then watched a few shows before leaving. It was pretty cold in general today, and I had to put on my hoodie (in addition to the other three layers) by early afternoon.

I guess today was ok for a homeless day, but I still hope for days where I'm back in a home. Where I can control my temperature, lights, sounds, cook food, and have no restrictions or limits on what or when I do things. I continue to try to hang on to hope, and hopefully will someday make it to better days.

Day 4213 - 1/13 - Free punch

Today was ok. It started out with some of the deepest and longest sleeps last night. I don't remember the dreams now, but it was something to do with being at a convention I think? Most likely just stuff bleeding in from my subconscious as there is a lot of laptop news coming from a computer show lately. Oddly, a few hours after I got to school I started to crash and started feeling exhausted again.

When I went to micro my dinner there was a vending machine with an automatic door going voop voop... voop voop... voop voop, as it tried repeatedly to open its door to dispense a drink. It's kind of the worst idea. It gets jammed about every three months. I decided since I had several minutes to kill waiting for my food that I'd try to help it open. I gently pushed the door the way it was trying to go, and after four or five pushes it opened. I kept the drink near me in the open for all to see, but since no one was watching the machine or came over after I released it I assumed it had been abandoned long ago. So, I got a free punch drink. I haven't had a punch drink in forever.

I guess the day was ok other than that. Class was ok. But I kind of got a headache during it. I played my games and watched some shows and tried to relax when I wasn't in class. There was no help or donations, so I tried to continue to hang on. I was thankful my laptop and car still work ok. And I continue to try to hang on until better days.

Day 4214 - 1/14 - Evidence of rain

Today there is evidence of rain. It wasn't quite as cold last night, which is great as things weren't frozen over by morning. But it's a bit odd I didn't hear it at all during the night. I was super zonked out with very deep and vivid dreams again.

I'm super congested and sneezy lately. I feel like I've got a cold. Hopefully it doesn't get too bad because the way my colds escalate can get super terrible.

There were no donations or help, but things seem like they will be a normal homeless day. So I try to continue to hang on and hopefully I'll make it to better days.

Comments and stuff Copyright E. Stryker 2008-2020
Pictures for Epic Fail are taken by me. :)

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