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Epic Fail: The Journal of a Homeless Gamer
Book 12: Unknown Beyond

This is my journal I wrote during the time I was homeless. It is broken up by week for easier reading. Feel free to read it on the web or download the complete .pdf version and print it for reading offline.

View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 1 .pdf paperback book
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View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 3 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 4 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 5 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 6 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 7 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 8 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 9 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 10 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 11 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 12 .pdf paperback book
These include the Table of Contents, Glossary and links, all weeks, all pictures, and index.

Week 607

Day 4243 - 2/12 - Off, for the moment

Today I decided to take off my under layer of thermal pants. My legs were a touch chilly, and I'd have liked to have been warmer, but it's nearing the point where the under layers may no longer be necessary. I'll put them back on Friday morning though, as I'll be at the public library through the weekend, and at the food store Monday. Things are weird because of the holiday.

In class a ton of people hadn't printed stuff out that they needed to. It was a mad frenzy that killed probably the first hour and a half. Since I was one of the few people who knew how to print on the two printers people were a mad frenzy of 'help help help'. It was nice to help people, and they were lucky I was caught up enough that I could. I do still wish I could be a paid TA all the time. Helping and doing creative things are really the only times I feel happy doing work-like things.

My day was a bit chaotic too. I started expecting to play my MMO, but couldn't log in. Later I discovered they were having some kind of server trouble, so I didn't play at all until the afternoon, after class, when there really wasn't time left for it.

I guess the day was ok. I liked helping people. The day felt odd in general. And because of the game stuff and unexpected helping, a bit chaotic. I suppose it was good though. There were no donations or help, but I continue to hang on to hope help will come in time. And hopefully I can make it to better days.

Day 4244 - 2/13 - Wheeling a girl

Today started out pretty differently. When we started going in to class the professor noticed a girl who was going hop hop hop. Apparently she slipped on some steps on the way to school? We were super worried it might be more than just a sprain, so I rushed over to the health center to get a wheelchair or crutches to bring her over. They said there was a "liability of transport" issue and they couldn't help her come over. So I went back to class and we put her on a chair with wheels and I pushed her aaalll the way around to the other side of the building, because ramps, then to the health center. I don't know what the severity was, as she was in there for 45 minutes. I only waited until they took her in, then went back to class. In my three checks after that she had disappeared between the second and third check. It seems odd they would spend so long examining her, as she didn't seem to be in a lot of pain. I guess we won't know the result until Tuesday after the holiday.

I guess the day was a pretty regular day outside of that. Class was good, but I was kind of out of it. But I know, or can catch up, with what I missed.

The rest of the day was pretty regular. Though I did watch a stream for a new game that looks super fun that's coming out at the end of the year. It's very unlikely my system could handle it, so that's sad. But I'll keep my eye on it. Sadly with mainstream laptops being 400-500% more powerful than my system there probably won't be a lot of new games releasing that my system can handle well.

I guess all things considered today was an ok day. There were no new donations or help, but I continue to try to hang on until better days.

Day 4245 - 2/14 - No date

Today was a bit weird. School was closed so I was at the public library, which I haven't done on a Friday in what feels like forever. I guess it worked out ok. Things were quiet, as expected for a Friday, and I suppose warm enough.

I played my games and I suppose had fun enough. There are still occasional weird issues with the laptop. I'm still not sure if it's because of the GPU not being supported anymore, and thus a driver issue, or if it's failing. It seems to only happen when playing games AND watching videos, so I guess it's probably just age and maybe the update to the browser. But still I worry. Even if it performed amazing it couldn't run the newest most demanding games, so there's that.

I suppose I made it through the day ok though. So I continue to try to hang on and hope help and donations come. And hopefully I can make it to better days.

Day 4246 - 2/15 - Wishing for a new game

Today I spent a lot of time researching and watching videos for a new game. I saw it in a stream the other day and it looks really good. It's an ARPG, a genre I've kind of burnt out on. There's one I do go back to every eight months or so very briefly, but that's about it. But due to the options with character skills and an open class system it has me pretty excited. And I haven't been excited for a game in this genera in maybe five years or more. I've actually known about this one for almost that long. It originally had a different name and was doing different things and it just looked 'meh' in previews, so I set it aside (mentally) and stopped paying attention to development. But now, with the release version, it looks really good and I wish I had the $40 to get it. (Of course this is assuming it would run fine, since it looks similar to other ARPG games I've played on the laptop.) (Double checking spec requirements now they are actually lower than the other ARPGs I've played on the laptop.)

I guess the day was ok, but I found myself wishing for other things. Part of me wished I had the software to do a couple of homeworks that are due Wednesday. Another part of me wished I had a regular home, friends, and could invite people over for games and maybe BBQ for dinner. But I can't do either of these, nor get the game. I have what I have and that's it. Though I suppose the day wasn't really 'bad'. It was, well, just a regular homeless day. One of many. And so all I can do is hope help and donations come in time. And hope I can hang on physically and emotionally until better days.

Day 4247 - 2/16 - Felt extra

Today felt like an extra day off. Which, I suppose, in a way it is. Being the third day at the library that is an extra day more than I'm used to. However, it's not really an extra day off, as I already always pretty much take Friday off. I guess it feels like more than the usual days off because normally Friday I have access to the lab and software to do my homework, so that potential is always on my mind. And I suppose in a way my mind is paying attention to who is around, to say hi or help anyone who needs it.

I guess the day was ok. I did have fun with my time in my MMO and my card game. But I found myself wanting to play the new ARPG. And in the early afternoon I really wanted to work on the homework, but I didn't because I knew my creativity would be crushed due to the distraction of the people at the table. (Which would be much easier to do alone in the car since I can do writing on my tablet.)

So I guess today was ok. But I longed for a new game I'd like to play. I longed to be able to do homework I can't do. And I worried about lack of money for future bills just around the corner. (And, of course, have a slowly ever increasing concern about my laptop's age, and my teeth.) But I suppose I survived the day. And since every day is a new chance, I suppose I will have another in the morning. And sometimes that has to be enough.

Day 4248 - 2/17 - Not completely terrible

Today wasn't quite as bad as I expected it would be. While I am totally drained from the constant blasting music and movement of the food store, I did manage to do the work for an important homework. I'd thought I was going to be too distracted and disrupted to do it, so it was good I made it through. I still have more to do for another, but that is easy in comparison. I've left pretty early, as it's just late afternoon, not quite evening now, and I'm in the quiet of my car. Hopefully my brain will decompress a bit and I'll do the other homework pretty quickly. I still have to do some stuff with the software for both homeworks, but hopefully I can do that in class while there are presentations.

Holidays are always extra taxing when the food store is my only real option. But I guess I managed through ok. And as sad and not ideal as it was, it was tolerable. As always I will try to focus on the fact I made it through today without verifiable bad things happening, as I'm sure there were unverifiable bad results while I'm homeless. No new donations or help today, so I try to continue to hang on. And hopefully I can make it to better days.

Day 4249 - 2/18 - Presentation

Today I have a presentation for class. I'm pretty nervous about it because we had to work in pairs, and in such situations I always feel out of control. So I'll let my partner do almost all the talking since he put together the slides. I'm a bit concerned about how minimal they are and that we won't have enough to talk about, but it is what it is.

There are no donations or help yet, but it's good to be back to my normal homeless routine. Not that it's normal by any means, but I guess it's normal for me. And it has to be enough.

Week 608

Day 4250 - 2/19 - Unexpected expected bill

Today I am extremely depressed. I checked the ex-house for mail in the morning and there was a pretty big bill waiting. It was very unexpected, as it's due in a month. It was expected in that it is the membership portion of the car insurance. But I thought this wasn't due until about three months from now. I will have to check in a bit, but I'm pretty sure I have money for school next quarter saved, which should be paid in a couple of weeks. If that is the case then I can only pay for one of the things. Meaning my saved school money will have to go to the bill.

I was energetic and positive feeling when my morning started, but as soon as I settled in at school and saw that my heart sank. I was extremely sad, and by noon extremely depressed. My energy plummeted to nothing. And it took all I had to not cry.

There was sad news yesterday too. The Monday/Wednesday professor said she needed a TA for next quarter. I messaged her and said I'd like to do it. But, as expected, the same issue that prevents me from doing it for the nice professor I'm friendly with prevents me from doing it for her too. Even though the dean is apparently ok with my doing it, due to the way the position is paid there is no way around the requirements. So there is no way for me to take the happy job I'd like to do.

I suppose there was one nice thing. The professor was thrilled with one of the things I did for one assignment I did on the weekend. She was like 'omg this is amazing' and was smiling and laughing and excited. So that was very nice, but because of how depressed I am I couldn't feel much more than 'meh.' I didn't feel special.

My heart is broken by all the sad news of yesterday and today. And it seems even if I do have the money saved for next quarter's school it will have to be sacrificed for this bill.

Day 4251 - 2/20 - More sad

Today I was feeling pretty down all day from the sad news of the day. I did confirm last night I have barely enough saved for school next quarter. So, having to instead use that for the car insurance membership will sacrifice almost all of it. All I can do is pray help and donations come in the next few weeks and I can still make the payment for next quarter. If I miss it I'd not only lose the buffer keeping the financial aid wolves at bay, but an extremely important class that only happens once a year.

In the afternoon I got more sad news, though this was certainly not the catastrophe the bill news was. I saw an ad for what was one of my favorite shows. Its first season ended maybe a year or so ago or more. I heard there were writer strikes and if they were to continue they'd have to find new show writers. So everyone was predicting the show was canceled and wouldn't continue. Apparently now they are deep into the airing of the second season. Since I thought it had been canceled this means I've now missed my chance to see several of the shows. I guess, and hope, that someday I can get it through the library. But discovering that I nearly started crying at missing out. All day my back has been almost completely locked from sadness of the bills. Any news like this pushes my already frail state and it feels like I'm going to break.

I suppose there was one good news today. Almost a week ago the streamer I watch had a giveaway for some cookies. I won and today they were at the ex-house. So now I have yummy homemade cookies.

There is a very tiny part of me super happy and bouncing around because if it. But there is so much sadness and stress around those feelings that I feel like Eeyore with flopped ears. And I feel like any second my tail will fall off, and there won't be anyone around who cares to put it back on.

Day 4252 - 2/21 - Very extremely sad

Today things felt very extremely sad. The day started off with a private shower. Well, the old man was there but that was it. So I turned up the heat a touch more than usual and took my time. It was kind of nice.

But the rest of the day I was still just extremely depressed over the timing of the bill. Help and donations are extremely rare these days. And while gift money may come around bunny day that is weeks after both things are due. I haven't given up hope yet, but unless help comes very soon I will have no choice but to sacrifice the money saved for next school quarter to pay the bill.

So all day those thoughts deeply depressed me. I barely played my games, and what I did didn't feel very enjoyable. And even the show I watched barely lingers in my memory, as that too is suppressed by depression.

For the moment all I can do is try to hang on. Hopefully once this week is posted and people see my extreme troubles the word will spread and help will come. All I can do is try to hang on until then. As difficult as that may be.

Day 4253 - 2/22 - Complete bunny family

Today was a bit different. The morning and early afteroon were normal, but the later afternoon was spent helping the ex-roomie clean some of her storage. I got a very important item out of the storage. Years ago they had taken part of what I had in the ex-garage and moved it to a separate location. I was pretty devastated because, while it wasn't anything I was currently using, it had some very important stuffed critters. Some of the oldest I had. It separated me from part of the only family I have. But now the bunny family is together again. And tomorrow after I rearrange some things they will all be in the same place in the ex-garage.

It feels nice to know my 'family' is complete again. There are some critters I'd completely forgotten about. Yet upon seeing them I remembered their names and memories came flooding back.

Though it isn't without sadness. Even though all my things are together in one place they continue to age. And I don't know the real condition of many things. Especially things in boxes. And I still have no idea when they can be put back into a proper place in a home. Or if they ever will be again.

The missing members of the bunny family.

Day 4254 - 2/23 - A forgotten life

Today I spent a bit of time putting the recovered storage stuff into my existing area. Doing so required I remove some stuff. A lot of removed items were boxes of products long dead and discarded, so that was fine. But some were things of my past life. And some of the recovered stuff was too. Things I'd forgotten, but remembered once I found them.

It's almost as if this current me has become hollow. The only memories I have are ones of times in my homeless days. It's as if pieces of me have been lost to time. By recovering a few things I remember some of the old me. I don't feel as hollow. I feel more connected to things, even though those things, and relationships, were long gone.

Though the me that I am can only move forward, it is a nice feeling to have a past. To know that I existed in a time before these sad homeless times. And to actually have mementos and memories of those days. I still don't know if I can ever be ok again. Or if I will ever really recover. But it is good to know at some point things weren't as bad as they are now.

Day 4255 - 2/24 - Too many assignments

Today I am swamped with too many assignments. I don't know what the professor is thinking. It's like she gives out assignments that are due the next class that are a ton of work. These are basically things like I used to do for a living for 5 years, and these would take me hours to do. I can't even imagine how most of the students feel who have never used the software before and aren't used to doing graphic arts work. (This is a beginning level class.) They must feel insanely swamped.

I guess the day was ok other than that. I'm pretty sick, I guess. I've been sneezing a ton every hour. Maybe it's allergies from the storage visit. Maybe it's from a cold someone passed to me at the library. But I'm just sneeze sneeze sneeze.

I'm still terribly worried about the car insurance membership bill. I will have to sacrifice the money that was saved for next quarter (in a few weeks) if help doesn't come very soon. But all I can do is post my sad story, hope people hear and care, and hope help comes in time.

Day 4256 - 2/25 - Sad start

Today has had a sad start. I took some old pillows to the donation bin because there isn't room in the storage for them. Those weren't super sad, as I'd replace them every few years anyways. What was sad was the comforter that has been worn out over the years. It was my favorite and I'd had it forever. But it had big holes that I sewed closed, and sewed again, and lately that didn't stay closed, so all the insides were coming out. Since there were others in the reacquired stuff I swapped it out, and tossed the favorite into the donation bin.

Bits and pieces of me are wearing out and getting lost in this sad journey. And with each I wonder; even if it is ever replaced, can that scar ever heal?

Comments and stuff Copyright E. Stryker 2008-2020
Pictures for Epic Fail are taken by me. :)

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