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Epic Fail: The Journal of a Homeless Gamer
Book 12: Unknown Beyond

This is my journal I wrote during the time I was homeless. It is broken up by week for easier reading. Feel free to read it on the web or download the complete .pdf version and print it for reading offline.

View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 1 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 2 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 3 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 4 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 5 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 6 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 7 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 8 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 9 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 10 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 11 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 12 .pdf paperback book
These include the Table of Contents, Glossary and links, all weeks, all pictures, and index.

Week 623

Day 4355 (V:79) - 6/3 - Hot water

Today it was so hot the water I had in my car to drink was warm to the touch, almost hot. I spent most of the day not in the car because of the heat. I was even a bit worried about my tablet and phone when I was in the car.

I spent about 1.5 hours getting some good progress for the big project, or so I hope. I got a bunch of pictures to add and hopefully it will be all I need to put it together in the program and finish. Seems kind of wasteful though since if I had my laptop that could have directly gone into it instead of a file to reference later. I have what I have though, and it's more than nothing, so I'm grateful for that.

I'm so very exhausted. The extreme heat lately has made it difficult to sleep, and extra punishing to my body during the day. Normally I'd just eat extra to compensate, but I'm on the last few days of my food money, so I have barely enough for the most minimal lunchmeat only.

But so far at least, I have survived the day. Hopefully that will continue. And at least for the moment I can try to continue to hang on to what little is left.

Day 4356 (V:80) - 6/4 - Smells like tires

Today everything smelt like hot tires. I'd guess that was due to the extreme heat most of the day and there being about double the number of people around. I don't know if it's excitement of things reopening a bit tomorrow or if it's because it's a touch cooler than it has been, so people who were waiting to leave their house are doing it all now.

I didn't get as far in my project last night as I'd hoped I would for several reasons. But a few people asking about it today don't know how to record themselves, and one person said they printed the slides and just recorded it on their phone, so I'm sure, even as bad as I may wind up feeling about my project it will be way fancier than most others. I think I should be able to finish pretty quickly in a 'decent' form. I'm not going to have the time or ability to make it as amazing as it could be, but it will be pretty good compared to a normal slide show.

I haven't seen any change in news for the library or other places to be reopening, so it seems there is no real news for today.

But I guess outside of a gentle breeze in the afternoon, nothing really changed. I guess I have to just keep waiting and hoping for change to come, as things are out of my control. And try to hang on as best as I can until it does.

Day 4357 (V:81) - 6/5 - Sanctuary visit

Today things were pretty different. Yesterday, a few hours after I did the writing I got word from the ex-roomie I can have sanctuary for a while. So, I had a bit last night, and again today, and will for Saturday and part of Sunday. As always with time in a safe space it's very happy, but also extremely sad.

On the one hand it put me in a place emotionally where I felt better doing my homework, so I finished the important presentation stuff. Not quicker than I thought sadly, since in total it was probably 6-8 hours total adding yesterday and today. But it's done, and it's not terrible.

But after I finished, after I'd had a chance to play a bit, I started to again feel profoundly sad. While I am safe and comefortable-ish, and with my stuff, it's not a forever home. And much of what is in a home is still missing. I am just here a few days and nights. I have lost so much. I have so little left. And while I hope I can hang on to enough to upgrade my laptop, much of myself is lost, and getting worse. My health continues to decline. My emotions fall to sad more and more. And with everything going on in the world, and how long it will take to recover, it feels less and less likely I will ever make it back to anything close to a real life.

Day 4358 (V:82) - 6/6 - Upset tummy / hanging on

Today my tummy feels upset. It has for a few days now. No doubt it is too much lunch meat, especially since what I've had was out in extreme heat. I really really wish I could go get fresh Chinese food. I'm very tempted to do it even though I can't afford it. But I really need to get a new laptop, and what I have is barely enough for the entry level system.

I literally barely have enough to survive. With limits on what I can and can't eat, where I can and can't be, how I can and can't be physically, all I can do is try to hang on, hope my system and mind can handle the struggle, loss, and pain. And hopefully someday I will make it through.

Day 4359 (V:83) - 6/7 - Slow start

Today emotionally was a very slow start. I felt very extremely sad when I got up, and for a long time I felt like I might throw up from stress and worry. It's just early afternoon now, I guess about when I normally write, and I'm feeling a bit better. I'm still very extremely sad that I'm in exile and that this brief time in the ex-garage shelter is not a forever home. I still don't know when, or if, I will ever be able to really recover. Especially with everything going wrong in the world right now.

Last night in the early evening the ex-roomie asked if I wanted some pizza. It was super yummy. I don't know when the last time was that I had fresh (not micro) pizza, probably years. It's not the vegetables my tummy has been wanting lately, being just pepperoni, but with the salad I'd gotten to eat I don't feel quite as bad.

There was a bit of inside time today, but in a bit I will be back out in exile. And in a few days, if not immediately, my inside time will become a distant memory and I will be staring into a seemingly endless void of sad homelessness. I still hope I can recover someday. I still hope things get better. But with everything as it is now in the world that seems less and less likely.

Day 4360 (V:84) - 6/8 - Don't feel presentable

Today I don't feel presentable. Less and less my cheap disposable razors are able to shave anything. So my face is half shaved, similar to hair loss from a disease or chemical treatment, than not. And my top of my head isn't shaved at all. (A good razor could shave things, if it were fresh. But the last time I did that it was wrecked in a single use, while normally in the shower those good razor blades last 1-2 months. So, I'm not going to use good ones.) My top teeth, what few are left, are a nightmare. And though the bottom (that remain) don't show much or any evidence of corruption, no doubt they won't be far behind. And I'm not in the best shape physically in general. And while this continues I am not at all able to try to work out, let alone do more important things like eat healthy. I don't at all feel attractive or presentable for a job interview, let alone a relationship.

The shopping area was pretty busy and active. With things starting to reopen, kids done with school (though mine still goes this week and 2 more), and the warm weather, there has been almost constant activity in the parking lot since about 10. I guess that helps things feel... better... and certainly helps hide me and helps the perception of time passing.

I wonder how much longer the library will stay closed. I've heard a couple counties north of here their libraries are offering pickup and drop-off, which seems to be much closer to reopening than my local ones. (And technically that library district would still be in the same 11 strictest areas along with my district.)

I guess the afternoon continues on. I did a bit of stream watching, and some homework, so the remains of my day will just be waiting. I guess I survived this long, and all I can do is continue to hang on, and hope things get better for all.

Day 4361 (V:85) - 6/9 - Darkest days

Today is another class day. I have big things due in about two weeks and a couple of days, so I hope nothing big comes in the meantime to interrupt my time for that. There isn't anything listed, so I hope things stay free.

I don't know what else the day will hold. Even with things starting to reopen nothing is changed that helps my life. The increased activity feels better socially, I suppose, but really my patterns and what I can do and what I have access to remains unchanged. All I can do is continue to try to hang on. Continue to hope the second stimulus comes so I can get a great laptop and pay some important bills, or hope word that it is not coming happens before I get too short to at least get the entry level system. And try my best to hang on emotionally and physically in these darkest and most hopeless of days.

Week 624

Day 4362 (V:86) - 6/10 - Hot and not

Today it was hot in the car. So much so that for a few hours I was dropping about a table spoon of water on my head every 30 minutes or so to cool off. I wasn't sweating, but I was kind of sleepy and felt faint. Outside the car in the shade there was a breeze and it was actually pretty nice weather.

I found a new laptop from a manufacturer I'm familiar with but haven't used before. It's a solid option if the high end from the manufacturer I like doesn't come back. However, like the ones already on my list in the high end it would require a few hundred from a second stimulus to get. Still no word on when that is coming yet, but I'd think with the nation rapidly turning against the president if he's going to stand any chance next election he'll want to push things like that as quickly as he can. I'm not sure he has any influence on it though. All I can do is try to stay hopeful, but I feel pretty confident it will go through with so many suffering.

Really the day was just another day. I'm still profoundly sad and feel great loss, but I suppose no more than usual these days, so I guess that is something.

Not really sure what else there is to say about today. Like all the others lately it seems to be nothing but a struggle to hang on as best as I can physically and emotionally until things get better, and I again have a chance for opportunity.

Day 4363 (V:87) - 6/11 - Gray and breezy

Today there really isn't anything different, save for a bit of gray clouds and a slight breeze. It's a bit cooler because of that, but it's still much hotter than I'd prefer for needing to be outside all the time.

No real news on the second stimulus. I saw some articles yesterday that said it is still going through the process and likely won't be figured out until July, with payments possibly not coming until August. I guess as long as that happens I'm still on track for some bill paying and a new laptop, as laptops pretty much have been delayed until then, and the bills I'd pay are ones that won't happen until the end of the year and into next year. If it doesn't come I'd be in a very tight spot to even get the entry level laptop, as over the next two months a bit of what I have saved for it is at high risk of being nibbled away and then I wouldn't have enough. (Especially since most donations and dad money seems to have stopped, at least for the moment.)

But, as always, all I can try to do is wait for hopefully good news. Try to hang on to what is left. And try to hang on emotionally and physically.

Day 4364 (V:88) - 6/12 - Coastal weather

Today was what I think some call coastal weather. It was gray and overcast all day. And the small breeze that was here the past couple of days has turned to a moderate wind and is kind of chilly. I wouldn't be surprised if it rained soon.

No god news. No news of the library reopening, so nothing really else to think to talk about today. As always I try to hang on physically and emotionally, and now more than ever that's all I can do.

Day 4365 (V:89) - 6/13 - Pants falling down

Today I'm weaning my pants that used to fit me best, but unless they are all the way tightened and pulled up to my belly button they fall down when I walk. Which I guess is fine since I'm sitting nearly all 'day'.

There was a stream showing some game trailers and talking about them. I watched with people from the chat of the streamer I watch. So the time, and day so far, has passed seemingly a bit quicker than usual. It's time to write and will soon be 'dinner time', which I suppose isn't saying much since that is around 2:30-3 depending on what day it is.

Of course no new news about the library reopening to go back to any chance of a normal homeless life again. But that isn't really surprising since it really isn't at all likely until at least mid July, still more than a month away. Unless a miracle happens with one of the drugs in testing and they come up with a vaccine or cure.

As always, it seems my day is isolated, lonely, very little hope, and all I can really do is try to hang on until better days.

Day 4366 (V:90) - 6/14 - Smallest baby step forward

Today there is maybe sort of a tiny bit of good news. All eight libraries in the district are starting 'curb side service' starting tomorrow. It's pretty extremely limited in that you have to have holds to pick up, make an appointment during the 4 hour window they are open, or come by to return during that same window. But I guess it's a start.

I think I may hold onto the movie I've had checked out a while longer. If even just one thousand people want to return things right away that would be a disaster. Though honestly there wouldn't be a whole lot of difference in terms of time wasted by being in a line for hours compared to in my car. But since that line would be nearish to people I'd prefer to give it a bit and avoid a rush.

I'm writing pretty early since there was that tiny bit of news. It seems to be getting hot again. The breeze is mostly gone, and the rainy storm clouds seem almost completely gone. I guess it's back to shorts tomorrow.

I still feel very profoundly sad all the time. While everyone else is sheltered at home safe and sound, some able to work remotely, able to play games or watch stuff to try to relax and make it through emotionally, mostly everything I had left in my homeless life has been taken from me due to lack of power, lack of connection, or both. I get a couple to a few hours a day of anything even remotely close to a homeless normal. But overall things feel like a bleak unending void with no opportunity for change.

All I can do is hope this little step forward may mean something like a July 15th reopen date for the library instead of what I would guess was a previous August 15th date. And hopefully I can continue to hang on emotionally and physically until better days.

Day 4367 (V:91) - 6/15 - Dozing off

Today was pretty rough. Several times during the day I got so sleepy I dozed off for a bit. It was pretty hot weather until noon when a bit of the coastal weather came back. It got moderately gray and breezy after that, which helped, but it was still a bit muggy warm.

There is still a bit of new game trailers and news coming out. Many of which will be out by the end of the year or sooner. I'm very excited about some, but also terribly sad because it's extremely unlikely I could play them without getting a new laptop. So I still try to have hope for the second stimulus (or more help) so I can get a good system. I could probably still get the entry level system, if I spent everything, but more and more reviews are coming out lately from people who have had them for a bit for testing and they are all uncomfortable with temperatures in that system, and most find the monitor very disappointing due to extremely poor color and slow response time, making it one of the worst monitors. Nothing is really an option until things change though, so I still have time to research and find a good choice, as long as I can hang on to enough money.

I guess really all I can say about today is I survived the day, or at least so far. And these days I guess that is something. So I continue to try to hang on as best as I can, physically and emotionally.

Day 4368 (V:92) - 6/16 - Less than two weeks

Today is the start of almost the last week of class. There is this week and I think next, leaving basically just over a week to finish my big projects. One is basically done I think. I'll have to check for final adjustments tomorrow. But I think I should be ok. I almost haven't done anything for the other final, and with a week and a few days I really only have 5-10 hours useable to work on it. So, I really hope that's enough time. I can only do what I can do, so I'll just have to try my best with these limitations. I really didn't expect the library and other places to be closed all quarter, so this has really disrupted my ability to do stuff. But I guess I made it through ok, or at least have in a bit. Grades so far have been max, or very high, so I should be fine.

As always I can't control what I can't control, which basically I can't control anything these days. Some days I can't even control myself. All I can do is continue to try to hang on, and hope better days come for us all soon.

Comments and stuff Copyright E. Stryker 2008-2020
Pictures for Epic Fail are taken by me. :)

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