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Epic Fail: The Journal of a Homeless Gamer
Book 12: Unknown Beyond

This is my journal I wrote during the time I was homeless. It is broken up by week for easier reading. Feel free to read it on the web or download the complete .pdf version and print it for reading offline.

View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 1 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 2 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 3 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 4 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 5 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 6 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 7 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 8 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 9 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 10 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 11 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 12 .pdf paperback book
These include the Table of Contents, Glossary and links, all weeks, all pictures, and index.

Week 583

Day 4075 - 8/28 - New contacts / New friend maybe?

Today started with a very terrified squirrel and a very worried me. I went to get my contacts from the eye doctor, which is down a road which is basically a 6 lane freeway with stop lights. I was separated from the pack of cars and a squirrel came running out from the center divide. I had to hit my breaks pretty hard, but they were ok. But I could see they were terrified. I was so worried for them. They were in the middle and so scared their legs were trembly. They could barely stand let alone hop. I watched in my mirror as I passed and they seemed to maybe get to the last lane before they were out of sight. I hope and pray they made it across safely. I wanted to so very much to stop and carry them to safety and help calm them down. But I knew I couldn't. Not only could I not stop, but they wouldn't trust me to let them do that.

After I got to the library I started to watch a stream while I was playing my MMO. I chatted a bit with someone about my birthday game, as they were someone I'd seen in the stream before. They said they were looking for people to play with. We tried a bit in the afternoon. It was a pretty fun time for about 30 minutes, then the connection got too unstable for me to continue. I don't know how feasible the library will be to play from. Like my MMO raids, it may be something I have to put on hold until I'm back on campus in about three weeks.

So today I have new contacts, which hopefully will be enough for a year. The prescription is for two years, so I'm covered either way. And it's a good eye doc, so it seems as long as I'm in the area I'll stick with him. And I had an ok time in my MMO, and fun with my birthday game, especially for the short time I played with someone. I was very scared and worried about the cute squirrel, but I hope now they are safe in a forever home. And hopefully someday I can make it to mine as well.

Day 4076 - 8/29 - Dying connection

Today it's getting colder. All day the sky was gray like it's going to rain. When I left the library I was actually chilly and there was a slight breeze.

The library connection is continuing to get worse. It's almost as if it's dying. Lately in the evening I lose connection a lot, with it completely disappearing from the connection list. Even my MMO in the morning is starting to be affected. What used to be a solid gaming and raid capable connection has been losing strength and getting worse earlier and earlier each day.

So from the afternoon on I basically just played my new birthday game offline by myself. I'm just over 60 played hours and still having a super fun time and finding new things. The devs even did a pretty important patch, which is great to see a dev do that barely a week after launch. That's a really good sign for future support.

So I guess, even though my plans were deterred and pretty limited, it was actually a pretty good day. I continue to try to hang on emotionally and not look at what is crumbling around me. And hopefully I can hang on until better days.

Day 4077 - 8/30 - Lonely and cold

Today I felt very cold at the library. By noon I was so cold I went out to the car to get my hoody. It was warm outside, so I sat in the warmth of the car for 2-3 minutes to warm up. I really wish they didn't keep the library at what is likely 68F. It's always way too cold for me. Maybe I'm sick though. Yesterday I was sneezing a ton, like every 45 minutes. And yesterday and today I have had headaches and don't feel great. I couldn't sleep last night until 2 AM either for some reason. I'm sure that didn't help.

I felt very lonely today too. These days the MMO guild averages fewer than a dozen when I'm on, especially since I can really only be on 10:30 AM - 1 PM PST because of the bandwidth being bad past that time. I again tried to find a raid, and again in like 30 minutes probably only half a dozen things were said in chat. No one is doing raids at that time, especially the one I need.

I left to play my new birthday game. I thought maybe the new friend would be around and want to play together again, but he didn't seem to be around. And apparently at some point after I'd started playing the library disconnected me and I didn't reconnect. So who knows how much of the 4 hours I was playing I showed as offline even if he did check in.

So today I feel isolated and sad. And sadder still because my sad life is what creates these limitations and barriers. A thing I can't control. Maybe it's because Monday is a holiday and I'll basically be limited to the food store, which may have no connection at all. And even if it does, it's not a great environment to stay in.

But I try to hang on to hope. And I try to continue to hang on until better days.

Day 4078 - 8/31 - Feeling sick

Today I was feeling feverish and sick. It got so bad I almost had to stop playing. I took some fever pills and tried to rest as much as I could. A bit later I didn't feel quite so bad. I thought maybe it was the meat I'd had yesterday and today for lunch, as it was on sale and I always wonder why a meat is on sale. I grabbed one of my birthday gift card monies and went to get a cooked meal, with veggies. I feel a bit better still, but not amazing. I do feel a lot better compared to earlier, so hopefully the real food helps speed my recovery. I'm very grateful I have these choices to try and eat a bit better when I'm feeling sick. The gray ghost is supposed to meet me tomorrow. I expect we'll grab lunch, but we'll see.

For now I try to rest as best as I can. Hopefully my tummy will continue to settle and feel better in the morning. I have still been sneezing a lot, so I may have a bit of a cold. But I try to hang on, physically and emotionally. And hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.

Day 4079 - 9/1 - Hamburger

Today was different and pretty good. The gray ghost indeed made it over for a visit. He was actually early, which almost never happens for him. We went to get a hamburger and he needed to go to a car part store for a break light. He said he'd take me to a store to get cloths, or things to keep food, or food, but the question/offer surprised me. I didn't know what to think of, and honestly I'm ok on things for the moment. I don't need more cloths, as I really don't have money to wash the ones I currently have. I even keep most in storage to avoid wearing them out or having too much to wash. And food, even in an ice chest, wouldn't last more than about a day really. Plus, basically half the year the car's trunk is a fridge.

He did give me lots of monies for my birthday, so that was a big surprise and huge help. Part will be set aside and added to the yearly web bill. I put a tiny bit into the online game store where I got my birthday game from, specifically for when that gets an expansion. Though that may be more than a year off. But it's the first shooter in recent years that hasn't disappointed me. I'm probably 70+ hours played and there are still new things to be found, and I'm having a lot of fun, and pondering different builds / loadouts, and leveling up new gear I get.

I had an ok time at the library, but the connection was still pretty terrible. It was still disconnecting completely for a bit. I guess I expected that being a weekend day, but it's still disappointing, as that limits my options. But I guess I had an ok time with what was connected, and played a lot of my birthday game when not.

So today was a better day. I still try to hang on to hope for better days. And hopefully I can make it through.

Day 4080 - 9/2 - Not so bad

Today wasn't as bad as I thought it would be overall, but it was kind of worse than I'd hoped for. I started the day with a stream, but the food store barely had any bandwidth. Even at the lowest 160p quality setting I was still losing 5-15% of the view time. I guess it was ok though, as I did a quick backup of important things. I probably don't back my stuff up as often as I should. But I try to remember when school and the library are closed, or on bigger holiday breaks.

The stream stopped around 1, and so I did offline things for a bit after. I did the writing entry for the week, and played my birthday game offline for a bit. In the evening just for a bit I watched part of a show. Thankfully the connection wasn't too terrible and it was running at tolerable settings and only a few pauses.

Starting in the later afternoon a lot of beautiful girls/women started coming through. I would normally take that as a reminder (from Fate) they are always out there. But maybe it's my recent birthday and officially becoming 'old' now that the odds of finding someone feel extremely low. Not even counting all the bad and sad things in my life it seems less and less likely to find someone who would be at all interested in me, especially considering my age.

But now it's evening. I made it through another rough day and tomorrow should be 'back to homeless normal'. So I try to stay hopeful. I try to hang on. And hopefully I can make it to better days.

Day 4081 - 9/3 - Felt like a week

Today it felt like I've been off my regular schedule for a week. Maybe it's because of not just yesterday but the day before. It's still pretty warm and so I'm risking wearing my shorts. Hopefully the library won't be freezing and it will have a good connection to have a nice day. With all its slowness and disconnecting as early as 1 my time off is kind of being ruined. Yes, I can play my birthday game ofline solo, but it would be nice to do more in my MMO, or be able to at least consider getting a month of movies and having the bandwidth to watch, or have the bandwidth to have the option to play my birthday game online with others.

I barely have any time before I need to rush off for my shower. Yay for shower and being shaved and clean. I don't know what the day will hold, especially now that all the recent activity of my birthday is past. But I try to stay hopeful, and I try to hang on.

Week 584

Day 4082 - 9/4 - Frozen

Today I was frozen at the library. I really don't understand why they keep it so completely freezing in there. My fingers were chilled to the bone, literally. While I didn't put on my hoodie, I had three shirt layers, pants, and a hat. I probably should have put on my hoodie because I had a headache most of the day, either from the cold or from unknowingly gnashing my teeth together because I was cold.

I guess other than that it was a pretty average day. The morning at the food store had enough bandwidth to do MMO stuff. I checked for a raid once settled in at the library and saw zero replies for half an hour. I bailed on that to play my birthday game. I tried connecting to an online game and again dropped before starting. I still don't know if that is an unstable connection or random people just not doing things right. People talk about playing with random people all the time, so I'm guessing that's the connection. And I watched some stuff in the evening.

I guess it wasn't a terrible day, which for an average homeless day is a good thing. For now I try to rest, hope I can warm up now that I'm not in the library, and hope my headache goes away. As always, I try to hang on, physically and emotionally.

Day 4083 - 9/5 - Lonely, sad, and genuinely cold

Today I felt lonely and sad. I guess more just feeling isolated and limited, and sad from that. I grouped in my MMO, but the bandwidth was failing by noon. Immediately after the group I had to rush out to avoid the terrible bandwidth. Which meant I while I could play my super fun birthday shooter, it too would have to be offline.

The evening didn't help, as I went by the ex-garage and when I was around homes I smelt various yummy dinner food. Even things as simple as spaghetti smelt way better than what I've had lately. It's been a month since I even had micro food, and more than a year since I can even vaguely recall I last had the opportunity to make a cooked meal myself. Smelling the yummy dinners and thinking I can't even cook something as simple and cheap as spaghetti and garlic bread almost made me cry.

But that is not my life anymore. And I don't know when, or if, it ever will be again. But I have to continue to hang on to hope. And I have to try to hang on and hope for better days ahead.

Day 4084 - 9/6 - The idea was better

Today I got something different to eat. I spent a bit more than I should have and got a calzone. It wasn't a frozen one. It was one they make at the deli at the food store and then are put in containers for people to reheat. I've been looking at that for more than a year thinking how long it's been since I had one. Today, even though I couldn't warm it up, I decided to get one.

The idea of it was much better than it actually was. In my mind it should be something like a pizza with extra sauce folded in on itself, maybe just a touch thicker bread. But this one was way too much bread, no sauce at all, and all the pepperoni was on one layer, wrapped around a lump of cheese in the middle. The ingredients weren't carefully or lovingly assembled at all, which I guess I should have expected since they probably make a dozen or more of those a day.

As I've gotten older I've wanted more and more to try different things, especially food. Sadly my body is sensitive to a lot of things, so that has to be extremely carefully monitored. And now with further limitations of homelessness it is basically impossible. I've always wanted to be, and experience, more.

The fact that experiment failed made me very sad. It felt like, more than ever, my desire to be more can't even be partly fulfilled. Seemingly yet another reminder of everything in life I can't have, and a reminder of all the chances to try more may never come to be.

So I end today, I suppose no sadder than before, but seemingly yet again reminded of not only what I had which has been lost, but what simple things I have always wanted, but may never have the chance to try.

Day 4085 - 9/7 - Too cold

Today I was again too cold at the library. I've got three shirt layers, and my hoodie, and I'm too cold. I'm beginning to think I may need to have my winter layer underneath my pants to keep warm. That would be ridiculous. But again I kind of got a headache there. Again I was so cold I was grinding my teeth, so I think it might be like an ice cream headache. If that is the case I may have no choice.

I guess today was ok. Someone in the guild complimented me, which was super nice. But the bandwidth went bad pretty quickly, so I was playing solo, again by about 1. I did watch a couple of shows in the evening at decent resolution, so I suppose that was something.

I'm still too cold, and too sad, about all the things. I cried a bit last night. And I feel like I may again. But I continue to try my best to hang on. It's all I can do.

Day 4086 - 9/8 - Hungry bunny

Today I am feeling very tired, maybe a bit sad. I'm not sure why. I think maybe I have a cold. I have still had headaches and I'm sneezing about once an hour.

Today I was a hungry bunny. I got a salad, which usually lasts two days, but today I ate it all. I'm not sure why. With the birthday gift cards I've gotten more than the usual amount of vegetables for summer. Maybe it's a symptom of my cold.

I guess the day wasn't really bad. I played my MMO for a bit, played my birthday game, and watched some shows. Bandwidth at the library was terrible during the shows, and unplayable for games for about 1/3 of the entire day. Which was fine, as that was when I just played my birthday game offline solo.

I feel a lot of loss today. I guess I was still sad from the other night, again seemingly mourning the loss of the me who was. But I try to hang on as best as I can. I try to continue to hope things get better. And I try to hang on until better days.

Day 4087 - 9/9 - Felt like change

Today started out oddly feeling like change, as if this is the week school starts instead of two weeks from now. I decided to spend my morning library bandwidth playing my birthday game online. It was pretty good, but dummies kept running into my line of fire and getting hit by my shots. One was even hit with an ultimate. (There is friendly fire in the game.) And in another session when I tried healing one person kept ignoring my healing and was never in range (despite the fact they were always below 50% hp.) But I get it. Unless you have that gear you wouldn't know what it does by its appearance. And there is currently no way in game to communicate unless you do voice (which isn't an option at the library).

All in all really nothing of significance was different today. And certainly nothing changed in any way that I perceived. It was just another homeless day in a long line of them. I was sad, but I guess not too sad. Certainly not as sad as I have been lately, which I suppose is something. But it is still an increasingly difficult struggle to not be sad each day. But I have to continue on. I have to hope things will get better. Someday.

Day 4088 - 9/10 - An odd dream

Today I am slowly recovering from odd dreams. It wasn't scary homeless dreams, thankfully. It was some super weird stuff like I was at a convention or something and I was partly made of plastic? It was very odd feeling, but I suppose a good sign my mind feels 'safe enough' to dream weirdly again.

I still feel a bit sick. I'm sniffly and my lungs feel pretty congested. I'm pretty cold, but I don't know if that is where I am or if it's because I'm sick. As always though, I try my best to continue to hang on physically and emotionally. And hopefully I can make it to better days.

Comments and stuff Copyright E. Stryker 2008-2019
Pictures for Epic Fail are taken by me. :)

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