Week 605
Day 4229 - 1/29 - Another unexpected day off
Today there was another unexpected day off. I don't know what we would have done in class. There were no assignments due for her to spend half the class talking about this time. I probably just missed a couple of hours of time I would have worked with the software on projects, but it's fine. I can do the remaining things later at a casual pace. I have about a week to do them.
For my time off I tried to relax and play my games. I thought I might spend more time than usual in my MMO at first, but as is usual lately for some reason the connection was pretty bad. It was showing red ping connection more than half the time when I was doing daily crafting, and a few times it just hung stuck for several seconds. So I instead spent some extra time in my new card game. Since it's basically just a turn every few seconds a slightly wobbly connection isn't a big deal. I also watched some shows and played a single player game I have on a game pass for a bit.
No donations or help today, so that seemed very sad. Especially since more and more lately I'm beginning to wonder if my laptop might be dying. But, I have what I have. And all I can do is try to hang on.
Day 4230 - 1/30 - The big visit
Today was a quick day at school. I had class and only hung out for a few hours before heading off for a visit to a friend's. They forgot they said to come over, so they did work while I basically just did stuff I would have done while hanging out at school. I did get to do a big laundry, which probably would have been about $15 if I would have had to go to a laundromat, so that was good.
Though I've got a bit of pet allergies happening now, it probably was a good day. It started with worry about the laptop, as it showed the 0% battery issue in the morning. A first for being at school, but I guess it was a pretty ok day overall. So I continue to try to hang on.
Day 4231 - 1/31 - Felt like crying
Today all day I felt like crying. I guess what started the sad feelings was setting up my laptop and seeing all the broken keys. These days that reminds me of my lost teeth. I started watching a stream, and lately with any videos, especially streaming, it seems like after a little while the video gets desynced with the audio. Which might be an effect of my aging system. I can maybe check if that happens with other browsers (as the one I'm using just did a big update), but it seems like the laptop is having more and more issues.
I also got another game on the game pass yesterday. Today I tried to play and even at low settings it's beating the system up pretty badly. (While stable and playable, it's probably running about 15 FPS.) Which is always just a reminder that even if I were gifted a new game I wanted, there is a lower and lower chance it will run on my laptop. And I know for sure one of the games I'm looking forward to the most basically has no chance of my system being able to run it.
So today all day I felt like crying. I was reminded of my dying laptop, and the reality that maybe someday soon it could stop working. Which always reminds me of my own ticking clock, especially while homeless, and that maybe soon I may stop as well. 
Day 4232 - 2/1 - Caught up
Today I am caught up with homework. (Since what remains can't be done without the software.) So I got a fair bit extra playtime today, and have all of tomorrow to play and watch shows as well. It will be nice to have a little break for a bit.
I still feel a bit off. My ears are still ringing all the time. I am a touch dizzy. And I've sneezed probably a dozen times today. I'm a touch tired and low energy, but I don't think I have any symptoms other than that.
I was warm enough at the library. But, as always, with the new layout I'd have preferred if no one was at my table, or just one person was. People were too close and too smelly for my preference. (Not that they smelt bad, I'm just hyper sensitive to smells due to my allergies.)
I guess other than that today was a pretty good day. I started the day with homework, finished pretty quickly, then got to play and watch shows without stress. Seemingly a rarity these days. I still worry my laptop may rapidly be dying due to evidence of a few game crashes and issues with video playback (which is becoming more common in even older games I know should run fine.) The optical drive is also failing much more often than it used to when trying to watch movies. But I suppose there isn't anything I can do about that. But I made it through the day. And for the moment I continue to hang on.
Day 4233 - 2/2 - Cold spike
Today started off a bit warmer than usual, but when I left the library it was super cold, like the kind of biting cold you get when you are somewhere that has snow. I don't know if it is a sign of return of winter, or coming rain, or what.
I would say today was pretty good, but I also seemed more depressed than I originally felt. I started the day feeling pretty good. I was well rested. I had plans to play my MMO longer, maybe an amount I used to do a few months ago before the recent depression. But that didn't happen. I only played maybe two hours total. Then I didn't feel like playing. I only played maybe two hours total. I played my card game for a couple hours, but I started to feel sad and lose interest in that too. I played a different game for maybe 30 minutes, watched a show for an hour, then played a different game for an hour. I just wasn't feeling interested.
I think still my heart is being broken by issues with the laptop and the inevitability of its death. Hopefully this month or next the new one will come out that would be an incredible replacement. It would probably be literally 500% more powerful, and supposedly has an extra M.2 slot where I could put in a 1 tb drive for games, all hopefully for less than $1200. But that's not money I have. I don't even have 5% of that. And so seeing the laptop's broken keyboard, issues streaming video, loading issues with the optical drive... all seem like it will end very soon, without the possiblity of a replacement.
On that day I will cry a lot. And I hope that day doesn't come before I can somehow get that new laptop just around the corner. But it seems things are continuing to get worse. So I struggle to hang on to what little is left. Physically and emotionally.
Day 4234 - 2/3 - Putting the mouse back
Today I put the extra mouse that was in the car back into storage. The main mouse hasn't had any issues since disabling the middle mouse button, so I'm fine with that. I have zero desire to use that button since it's on the scroll wheel. It's never been comfortable to push on any mouse. Especially since I have two buttons on the side.
The day was actually pretty good. I played a bit in the morning before class. During class I not only finished the thing I needed to do tomorrow, but got a head start on something due in a week. So I'm actually kind of ahead a bit for the moment. Which is good, as I have limited access to the software.
After class, since I was current, I played a bit more. And I made some U.I. mockup suggestions for my new card game to submit to them. It's a couple of options that aren't in the game, which is mind boggling to me that they got this far into development and are missing these features which seem basic and key to me.
There was the new monthly help from the Gray Ghost yesterday, but no other help today. I try to hang on to what little is left, and hopefully I can make it to better days.
Day 4235 - 2/4 - Cold and biting
Today outside it is again biting cold. But there is no frost at all. Yesterday it took 3-5 minutes to clear, but today not a single drop anywhere. I guess that has to do with the moisture, or lack thereof.
I don't know what the day will bring. I'm basically current with school assignments, so things are a bit less stressful. I expect classes will be ok, then I will try to relax with games and shows.
But today will be what it is. I have little to no control of it. So I try to hang on. And hopefully I will make it to better days.
Week 606
Day 4236 - 2/5 - Feeling better
Today, and I guess the past few days, I'm feeling a bit better emotionally. I've gotten a bit ahead now in one class and am right on track for the other. So I feel better not being slammed by deadlines.
With that emotional boon I've been spending a touch more time in my MMO. It's still probably only 1-3 hours more often than not, certainly not the more than 4 I was spending in the bigger days. But it's not the 30 minutes and leaving as soon as possible as it has been during my recent depression. For whatever reason when I get more depressed being in my MMO with people around me who I know don't really care tends to make me more sad. But I'm feeling a bit better, so I'm spending a bit more time there, as well as other games here and there.
I've kind of quit my shooter again. I have a love hate relationship with it. It's like, yeah the shooting is fun, and very solid, but I'm still really at the core doing the exact same patterns I have for the last two or three years. And there really isn't anything worth my time to gain by playing, so why bother when there are other games and worlds I can experience instead.
No new donations or help today, so that was sad. But I had a fun and productive time in class. I had fun with my games and things I watched. So today was a pretty good day.
Day 4237 - 2/6 - Dream about a bunny
Today I still have a cold. I've been sniffling with a plugged nose and sneezed several times per hour all day. The cold weather lately hasn't helped. It's dipping down into freezing again at night, and from the looks of the weather app it will stay cold for at least a week.
The cold affected my dreams in the night. I dreamt I was living in a home again. But it was up in Alaska (likely something put into the dream due to the cold.) There were some other people I was living with having a party with people I didn't know. I kept yelling at them to close the door because I had a super cute bunny pet who might run outside into the cold snow.
I guess today was ok. It was just presentations for the class. My poster project wasn't picked to present, but that's ok. I would agree most others were better than mine. Though either people didn't get it, or didn't know what to make of it, as there was only one comment on the comment sheet. Though, it was a reference and joke about the movie I based the work on, so that made me laugh and smile quite a bit.
I had an ok, but not great, time with my games. In my MMO the instability of the connection still wasn't worth trusting to play very long. It's happening so frequently now I wonder if it's my laptop and not the connection. I left to play my card game, but I only played a couple of rounds because I was just losing. It made me sad. After, I played a single player game for a bit.
My school work is pretty much caught up, and I have all of Tuesday class to work on the project for that class, so plenty of time to finish that one. I may do some work on a presentation due in a week and a half, but I otherwise have all the weekend off to try and rest and recover from this cold.
No new donations or help today, so I continue to worry about bills that are coming soon. But all I can do is continue to try to stay hopeful. Continue to try to look at what remains instead of what is lost. And hopefully I can make it to better days.
Day 4238 - 2/7 - Full moon
Today when leaving school it looked like a full moon. There were only a few cars in the lot. It reminded me of when I was young. I would go out walking or sit in the back yard and just... be. Even when I was a younger adult I would sometimes open my window so I could see the moon and night. Even on warmer nights opening the window and turn down the game or TV sound to hear the night creatures.
That's ruined now. Feelings of peace and being a part of something greater have been replaced with fear, paranoia, and always watching out and being fearful of who is near, am I being watched, and do I need to move.
I'm extremely tired again. Likely I am still fighting a cold, as I sneezed several times today. My eyes were barely open, and stared blankly forward at what I was doing. I can't even clearly remember much of the day. I spent way too much time watching a stream or putting it in the background of my games. There was a constant talking in the background, which was too much. I did win some cookies in a giveaway, so that should be nice. 
I guess today was ok, but I am getting beaten in my new card game more and more. I feel exhausted nearly all the time. I constantly wish for 'real' food. And I almost always feel on the verge of breaking down and crying over the seemingly smallest things.
But I have what I have. All I can do is hope the things that have changed can go back to the way they were someday; inside and out.
Day 4239 - 2/8 - Ham and cheese, without cheese
Today there was a super weird fog. It was pretty thick in the morning, and everywhere looked as if it had rained it was so thick. It disappeared and was a clear day, but it must have returned at night, as there were no stars and the sky reflected the city light.
I was pretty disappointed today when I grabbed my lunch from my bag. Because of my issues with food choices I struggled quite a bit last night trying to think of what to have for food today. I'd settled on a light ham and cheese sandwich. Too much of either is typically bad for me, but light amounts of both is both yummy and usually without too many consequences. But I guess when I was focusing on other unusual purchases at the store I somehow forgot cheese. So yes, having too much of just ham at lunch reacted poorly with my tummy.
I guess the day was actually pretty good other than that since it was relatively stress free. In the morning I watched a bit of shows while I had lunch after I'd gotten to the library. I played my MMO a bit more than usual, and had a chance for a raid I don't get to do. (After two runs I still didn't have the piece of gear I'm missing.) After, I played my new card game for a bit. Then watched a bit of a show during dinner. Then actually felt in the mood to work on a presentation due in about a week and a half. And after, played just a tiny bit with a game on my game pass (that I still have for a bit.)
I was a bit sneezy, but I guess emotionally I felt a bit better, as I pulled in my focus and attention so I was just zoned in to the 3' right immediately around me. That doesn't usually work, but today it worked pretty well, and I was able to mostly ignore all the sad things in my life.
But things are still sad. I can never really get away from that. There were no donations or help, but I made it through the day. And hopefully I can make it to better days.
Day 4240 - 2/9 - Ham and cheese, with cheese
Today I got cheese. It's really all I needed besides bread since I had everything else. Now I still have cheese though, as that lasts 2-3 days and not getting it yesterday threw the timing off.
I guess today was pretty good. I did a fairly minimal amount in my MMO because ... I don't know. I guess I sort of lost interest compared to doing other things. I played my card game a bit. I didn't do great in ranked, but I've made a rule when I start losing ranked I just play unranked. And if I stop having fun I stop playing. So I played only as long as I had fun. I also played quite a bit of a game I have on the monthly pass. The $3 I spent on the three months is getting very good value. I'll probably get through four or five games I wanted to play. (And I'd have gotten through more if my laptop could handle them.) I'd say if I could afford it that it would even be worth continuing at the normal $10 a month. (Though I'd be hesitant to get it since my old laptop can't handle most of the new ones.)
I guess mostly I feel a bit better today emotionally. Things didn't seem quite so bad, though there was again some battery weirdness during the morning. Again the battery showed '96% not charging' after I fiddled with it, so I guess it's fine.
No donations or help, so I'm still worried about upcoming bills, but hopefully more help will come in time. And hopefully I can make it to better days.
Day 4241 - 2/10 - Faster and slower
Today felt both faster and slower than a normal day. It felt slower in that time seemed to pass at a very slow pace when I was doing stuff. I watched a bit of a stream in the morning then played my MMO a bit before class. During class, since I was ahead, I helped people print and spent most of my class time doing the work for tomorrow. Which is super good as I probably still have 30 minutes of prep before I can officially start the project. Though honestly at that point it's just throwing everything into a single file that's probably only 30 more minutes of work.
After class I played my card game for a bit. Someone from the animation class who I've seen a few times asked what deck I was playing. I said, "oh, I don't follow meta." And we talked about the game and decks for a few minutes. After, there was just a little time left for one of my game pass games before watching a show during dinner.
The day passed slowly and I felt like I did a lot. Though now that it's over it feels like it went fast, like it's only just now half done. It was nice to be of help to people in class. Even though the old professor never rewarded me, and now looking back probably didn't really appreciate me, I do miss being a TA. But I guess today was pretty good. And hopefully there will be more good days ahead.
Day 4242 - 2/11 - Hopefully calm
Today will hopefully be pretty calm. It's just lab for class today, so there should be plenty of time to do all the projects and then have extra time to rest.
I'm extra sniffly and sneezy today. Though it seems a bit warmer. Hopefully I can get over that soon.
The day is just starting, so I haven't checked online, but hopefully donations and help come soon, and I can continue to hang on until better days.
