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Epic Fail: The Journal of a Homeless Gamer
Book 12: Unknown Beyond

This is my journal I wrote during the time I was homeless. It is broken up by week for easier reading. Feel free to read it on the web or download the complete .pdf version and print it for reading offline.

View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 1 .pdf paperback book
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View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 3 .pdf paperback book
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View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 5 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 6 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 7 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 8 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 9 .pdf paperback book
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These include the Table of Contents, Glossary and links, all weeks, all pictures, and index.

Week 615

Day 4299 (V:23) - 4/8 - Still almost a month

Today I feel kind of bad. My tummy is unhappy with my food, which is not surprising considering this was day three with a pack of lunchmeat in a somewhat warm environment. With my being more and more fearful and unstable overall I'm continuing to eat very little. The pack could last two more days, when this kind of pack would normally last barely half that time normally. I'll probably eat it tomorrow then throw out any that's left. The ex-garage has a fridge and I was told I could store stuff in there if I need, and so I may need to start storing parts if even these small packs last three or more days now. That doesn't seem safe for that long.

There is still just about a month left of stay at home quarantine time. It's insane to think of 25 more days like this. I don't understand why the majority of people are still shopping regularly. I see people coming in to the lot then leaving with only a few small bags all the time. A full cart happens maybe one out of fifteen shoppers. Even when we lived in a safe world I preferred to only shop once a week or two if I could manage it. I don't get why people are still willingly going out and risking catching the virus when they obviously have a home they are going to and from. I get the emotional strain. Everyone is sad and trying to manage. But if you have somewhere safe to be I don't get why you wouldn't want to maximize that safety, and bring in all your loved ones close to be safe who need it.

Unless, of course, I'm overestimating how easy it is to come into contact. Which I sure hope that's the case. Because with 25 more days in the parking lot, several hours of which are too hot and uncomfortable, forcing me to have my windows open to passer-bys, or sit near a building outside of my car, I grow ever more worried one of those passer=bys will infect me.

But I guess all I can do is try my best to keep my mask on. Try my best to wash or disinfectant wipe my hands and stuff if I come into contact with things not from my car. And continue to hope I make it through the virus, through my extremely sad homeless times, and can continue on until better days.

Day 4300 (V:24) - 4/9 - Slight balance

Today I still don't feel that great. Stress, poor nutrition, and lost sleep are still hurting me pretty badly. I still feel a slight dizziness a lot of the time, more extra bathroom trips some days, and when trying to hold my hand still I am still trembling more often than not.

I guess though in an odd way I am getting a slight balance. While I can still suffer bouts of P.T.S.D. and feel fearful, scared, and on the verge of crying uncontrollably, I am not jumping as often at the sight of patrols through the lot or people passing by me who are close.

Nothing new today really. Everything is still the worst. I am still by far the lowest in my life and in need of the most help. And still extremely little comes, as very few follow my story.

While the sky is darkening it is only from rain clouds, as evening is still a few hours away. But I hope it continues as it has in recent times. I hope I don't panic or fear too much. I hope I can get a reasonable amount of sleep. I hope my 'sponge bath' and shave work out ok. And I continue to hope I can manage things emotionally and physically. And most of all I hope help comes and I can continue until I make it to better days.

Day 4301 (V:25) - 4/10 - Old friend, maybe new friend

Today has felt like it's moved a bit quicker than normal. Though technically I'm probably only about 2/3 the way though, so there is still a fair bit left of the day. Though I don't expect anything unusual.

I am basically caught up with my shows as of yesterday. At least the important ones I was worried about missing. I guess there really were only a couple for each that I hadn't seen. A half-hour comedy I watch is still getting new shows every week, so I have a few more of those to watch. It's good I'm caught up. I won't feel like I'll miss anything. And I suppose a couple of hours a day of video watching can now be taken up by lecture and class show watching starting next week, so it's good I have that time freed up.

This morning there was a friend request on the social app from someone in the guild I'm in for my MMO. It seemed odd they sent a request since I told the guild I can't play pretty much at all back a few weeks ago when the stay at home time was extended. I guess we'll see if that person is friendly in just over three weeks when I can hopefully start playing things again.

It seems insane to think there are still just over three weeks left. Adding on the original time before the extension puts me barely half way through. It still seems mind boggling small businesses are forced to be closed all these nearly seven weeks. I wonder how many will never recover, or how many will suffer because of it.

On the social page someone sent a friend request. Someone I've known since I was 12. It seems odd timing. We were kind of close in my 20s, a time when if you didn't see someone or call you could easily lose track of them. But I think I've always been a background person from their perspective. One of those people who is around because they know someone who they are closer to at the time. But then there really are only maybe half a dozen people I'd say are anything even remotely close to me in my life, and really the rest have always probably just considered me a background person. I suppose if things were different I'd never have fallen this far, nor for this long.

Maybe today has passed a bit quicker because I'm hanging on to hope. Hope I will be able to gather enough to pay critical bills. And hope that I will get a stimulus boost and can finally upgrade my laptop. (Which is now showing release on the 20th.) That would put me in a great position to do things without power as my current laptop gets 30-45 minutes of use without power, compared to the new one which I think a few reviews were saying it could do like 5 hours without power, even when gaming. Plus, it being 500% more powerful helps if I'm going to maybe try and do work on it as a graphic design contractor. And I continue to hope all the people are ok and everyone makes it through. It's been what feels like quite a while since I've seen bad news, so hopefully things are calming down a bit. Though I've heard it could be over a year before we are fully in the clear. And I suppose I'm hopeful because today didn't feel so bad, though I did still have a few minor panic attacks related to death and missing pets. Maybe because I saw some super cute stuffed bunnies at the store, and so there were some sad tears today.

So I guess today I still hang on. I still hope help comes for me, and everyone else these days who need it. And hopefully everyone can make it through to better days.

Day 4302 (V:26) - 4/11 - Two more

Today was incredibly rough. At the very start when I was at the food store when I was considering what food to get I was thinking how rough of a time my tummy has had, how I should be careful, and how if I had a home I'd just get a variety of things and eat what I wanted at the time, safe in the home, not needing to come back to the store. I felt very sad how I have to take care of me. There is no one checking in with my health if I don't feel good. Or my mood if I seem sad. Or to hug me or do something silly to cheer me up. It's just me. And I cried a little in the store holding my salad like I would one of my bunnies.

The rest of my day didn't really feel any better. We are now at three weeks and a day until the library should open, but I can't help having the fearful thought of, 'they are typically classified in the same category as school in terms of holidays and closures, what if they too remain closed for several more months.' I can only pray they DO open, and just do something like limit the 4 top tables to something like 1 person per table. Probably also something like cutting weekly hours so they are the same as weekend hours for a few months or something (to discourage people from doing more than staying for a brief while.) But I don't know. I have no clue. The website shows no updated plan, and I don't expect it will until probably one or two more weeks.

I saw someone in the parking lot who reminded me of a character in a show. One I'd forgotten about. So I had two of those episodes to catch up on. I watched on and may watch the other before the night is out. I may save it for tomorrow so I at least have something for bunny day. One of my favorite shows also posted another, so I was right that the previous last one was not the season finally. The comedy show I watch is also still posting new episodes, so I still have a few more shows to look forward to.

Today seemed exceptionally rough. I don't expect an easy time tomorrow. I already missed the bunny day celebration in my MMO, the only real kind of bunny day celebrating I can typically do. And now tomorrow I will miss the entire day. Even though I'm single, it's really one of the only holidays I care about. And now it will come and go with no way to celebrate.

Today was execptionally rough, and tomorrow will probably be no different. These darkest days have been the hardest of them all.

Day 4303 (V:27) - 4/12 - The cookie misdirection

Today isn't very far along, though I suppose it's close to when I typically write. It's late afternoon, so I am writing a little early, as things are closing a touch early for Easter and things might get a bit weird later.

Last night my ex-roomie said she was making cookies, which she'd mentioned she was going to do at some point about a week ago, and said she'd leave some out late in the night or in the morning. I said I'd stop by and check in the morning and didn't think about it after that. I had gone into the ex-garage and set up stuff to recharge and sneak a bit of game playing time in (a single hour, the first in probably a week.) She came in and I gasped in surprise and started tearing up as she was bringing a bunny day basket to my area. She said she remembered how important bunny day was to me and said she wanted me to have a little something. I took the basket and hugged and kissed the cute bunny as I started crying. I told her how hard and sad things have gotten and thought I might have nothing as I cried a little holding the bunny. We talked for a minute or so more. I left most of the candies there, as there is zero chance chocolate would survive in my car with as hot as it gets. And the new bunny is safe and sound with the rest of the bunny family.

I don't have access to my rabb1t email without my laptop, which I've only brought with me a few times these past few weeks, but on my last check of my donation site there hasn't been anything for a bit. Sometimes people send some for bunny day, so I am hopeful help will come later. I have the car insurance on the 1st, domain names due in the middle of next month, and the huge $150 due for car registration in mid-July, so quite a bit due very soon. I'm always very sad when I have to use gift money on bills, but with what my life is these days more often than not it's all I have.

I did decide to spend far too much on an actual cooked meal today. As I expected though since I have so much anxiety and have been eating so little lately, what would have been a single meal just a couple months ago today was all of today's food and a split for at least one meal tomorrow. So basically one meal has become far more than three, because that doesn't even count that in the old days I'd also have two snacks and these days I often don't even have one.

So quite the surprise in that there were bunny day things. And though it was expensive, a very needed cooked meal with meat, vegetables, and even some starch. Still today was one of the roughest ever in my life , but I suppose it wasn't as rough as I expected it would be.

The evening is just starting. The sun hasn't even started to set yet. But with the good news, seeing a double rainbow, and getting to watch some shows, I try to hang on to the positive things. And maybe I can make it through these darkest of days.

A very unexpected bunny day surprise.

Day 4304 (V:28) - 4/13 - Maybe a touch of good news

Today in the early evening someone posted a bit of news from the governor. Apparently they are starting talks with Washington (the state) and Oregon to re-open our coast. Apparently here in California in these six or however many counties they were expecting to be hit the hardest and shut down early is doing really great and only got half the expected cases so far, at just over 5k when they were expecting roughly 11k. So, the governor and health agency are super happy with that number. Supposedly re-opening early is extremely unlikely to happen, but opening quicker than planned is looking like an option. So I feel much more positive about the library re-opening at the end of the period on the 4th, as the article said they wanted people to get back to regular routines, work, and get public services like the library going again.

My tummy has felt a bit off today. I haven't saved as much from the fast food place as I did until now. I've saved a small bit of meat before, but not chow mien and steamed rice. I don't know if it was either of those specifically that did not keep well, or just the length of time I had it. (Roughly 8 hours longer than before, including warm times in the car instead of just cold times overnight.)

I did a bit of school stuff today. Some stuff posted and was accusable. But the majority won't be up until tomorrow, as class is officially Tuesday/Thursday. I may have to split what I do though due o battery until I'm back in the library again. Hopefully that will be ok, and the rest I can do offline or just by hand, or on my laptop during the brief chances I get for 1-2 hours some evenings.

I guess the day wasn't terrible, but my system is really getting messed up from all the stress, the constant loud listening to things, and all the physical outside stress/strain (sun, heat, walking, etc.). But my life is what it is. I can't control what I can't control. I may need to start taking a few minutes to try to 'mediate' and clam myself during the day, or at least just take off my shoes and socks and put my legs in more comfortable positions to maybe try and do some self-comforting. But both options are extremely tough to do in public and truly relax.

I guess, as always, all I can do is try to hang on, hope help comes to pay the bills, and hope I can hang on until better days.

Day 4305 (V:29) - 4/14 - School online

Today is the first official day of school online. I'll likely have to split what I do because of battery. But hopefully things will ramp up a touch slowly and I can ease into both a manageable routine and have enough battery and access to do all the things until I can at least balance a bit.

It would be awesome to have a laptop to do all the things, and I'm still hoping for the new one I've been watching, as it claims a 12 hour battery life, which means about half that doing things like production software or gaming, which is way way way more than the about 45 minutes my current old laptop could handle. The page changed though since I last looked at it. It now shows a May 11th release, so I'm not sure what's up with the bouncing date and changed page. It does show a different monitor than its 15" brother, which is good, as that was the only weakness in the reviews for that model. (No one has reviewed the one I'm specifically waiting for, possibly due to changing specs, which would explain the shifting date.) But so far it is just a wish, as I still have unpaid critical bills and no stimulus check.

The day is just starting and it will likely be a bit more chaotic due to school starting. But hopefully that will make things feel a bit more normal. But I can only try and control what I can, so I guess we'll see in time. Hopefully I can continue to hang on until help comes, and hopefully I can make it to better days.

Week 616

Day 4306 (V:30) - 4/15 - Slow carnival

Today is passing extremely slowly. It's only just mid-afternoon and it already feels like it should be about four hours later than it actually is. I'm not really sure why it feels so slow other than my level of overall exhaustion maybe combined with the lack of people coming and going. For some reason since bunny day there has only been about half as may shopping as there was previously. (Oddly the reverse is true for people walking, jogging, and biking, as that number is the highest yet.)

I spent some time doing an actual assignment for one of my classes today. As expected it was one that we do just with sketching. It was probably an hour or two of sketching things while I listened to stuff like I normally do. I feel pretty good about them.

Today someone showed up and started playing an instrument in front of the store. It's one of the ones you have strapped to your chest and squeeze while pushing keys. I think that's an accordion? It sounds like carnival music, or maybe like something you'd hear at an Italian restaurant if they had live music. At first it was pretty nice. My brain floated to different places and times. It probably didn't hurt that Im so exhausted lately I've dozed off half a dozen times for half an hour each. But now, after two hours, it's kind of driving me a bit insane. Like 90% of the time he's done one song over and over, and it's only about a minute long. I think I've heard four songs in total. I get it. He's pretty good with those, and if you are actually at a carnival type event it would be extremely unlikely people would notice. But still.

I've often wondered how different my life would be in an alternate timeline where I had actual musical ability and could play an instrument like that. It would have to be an alternate universe me though, as those kinds of events are completely exhausting to me after just one or two hours.

Nothing else really to talk about today. If everything goes well I'm over the hump of half way through the stay at home. It feels like I can finally start counting down again instead of feeling like I'm counting up. There are still just about 2.5 weeks left and I expect it will be another week before hearing any kind of confirmation that things (especially the library) are on the way to reopening.

With days like today where I feel completely physically and emotionally exhausted to the point where Im uncontrollably dozing off and feel like I'm dizzy and going to throw up (in an I'm sun burnt or heat exhausted kind of way) it feels like I may not make it through. But all I can do is try to hang on, hope help comes, hope I can cover bills, hope the library opens when it should, and try to hang on and hope my stimulus check does come (along with a bit more) so I can get the new laptop as this may be my only chance to upgrade. And hopefully help comes for all the others who need it and they have people who care about them and take care of them. And hopefully we can all make it to better days.

Day 4307 (V:31) - 4/16 - Normalish for a brief moment

Today had some very weird weather. It was cold and gray much of the day, but in the late morning and early afternoon there was no air movement. So even though it was gray and looked like it might rain it got pretty hot in the car.

For a few brief moments today I felt normalish. The class streams seem to eat 15-20% of my phone charge, so with losing about 1% per hour just having it on there isn't going to be much left for doing anything else on class days. But for those few brief moments during the video chats I almost feel normal. At the very least I felt a part of something, maybe even like I belonged.

But the sadness of my days rapidly took over. Quick glances of people in their homes in chat, hearing people walk by me with shopping carts, or driving by in cars, rapidly reminded me that I am not. I am not in a home. I am not just online and after I shut down the stream I could do homework, or play, or whatever in an instant. For me after I shut down the stream I basically have nothing. I will have enough battery on my tablet to listen to stuff, and again I'm very glad I invested in that all those years ago when I had the chance with a brief influx of cash, but I have nothing beyond that. I see game news of events I'll miss because I can't log in and play with my current system. I see news of game launches I can't play because I don't have the money, or my system isn't powerful enough. And I see people talking about stuff they did, or will do, and I'm reminded I don't have the option for those things.

I feel a bit better now that school has started, but with the overwhelming constant reminders of how bad my life is now, it does far less to help my mood than I thought it would. Hopefully the library will re-open on the 4th. Hopefully I can go back to at least part of what my homeless life was. And hopefully I can feel a bit better then. Right now I only feel defeated, extreme loss, and though I hope it's not the case, a future which only remains bleak and without opportunity for recovery.

Day 4308 (V:32) - 4/17 - Software access

Today was pretty much more of the same extreme sadness. I think I may indeed be suffering some form of heat exhaustion. I've noticed at times when it's particularly hot in the car my skin, and even more so my forehead, feels like I've got a fever. But once it cools down, or if I get out of the heat, I feel normal again. Hopefully in two weeks and two days it will no longer be an issue and I can be in the library.

It looks like access to the software I need for being productive in class has finally come through. I'm not sure how easily I'll be able to get it though. I'd guess each program (I need 3) are a gig or two, which at the food store connection would take forever to download. I may need to go outside the library to the very exposed spot. (Where there is both a fast connection and a plug.) When I was last there a few weeks ago I updated my phone and it pulled 2 gig in about 20 minutes, so if they are that big that should be ok. I'm not sure if I can see the size on my tablet. I'll have to check later.

For a few brief moments today I felt sort of homeless normal. Once when I worked on a class assignment, and once peeking at a $10 expansion to last year's birthday game. I miss my life. Now more than ever. But what is more sad is I miss being me.

Day 4309 (V:33) - 4/18 - No new news

Today there is still no new news about the stay at home order. Yesterday apparently the president released it and left it up to governors to re-open and I'd seen news of other states starting to open things up again. I'd hoped to see news about my area today, but so far nothing. There was news we'd only hit half the expected cases and the governor was very excited a few days ago, but without news today it seems unlikely I will see such on early re-opening. But I'm hoping maybe they are in talks this weekend and hopefully I will get some good news maybe next week.

Today I was still extremely sad. I am still keeping up on game news of what I'm missing in games, and just in general feeling sad I can't play games that I can't play.

I haven't heard anything from dad yet about bunny day either, which seems unusual. I was hoping he would send something, as I'm really only a couple hundred short from getting the new laptop if I get the stimulus payment. But I've heard nothing from him, nor has a payment come. With no bunny day money even if I get the stimulus check getting the laptop I've been watching would be impossible until it goes on sale.

I guess today wasn't much different from any other lately. Some anxiety and shaky feelings. Lowered appetite. I did do a homework though, so that's good. I'm covered until new ones come next week. But my depression about everything has crushed my spirit today. I managed to make it through, but with no comforts and no care from anyone I feel on the verge of breaking down and crying.

Day 4310 (V:34) - 4/19 - The little things

Today was slow, sad, and mostly gray weather. The lack of sleep is getting to me. For a while now I've averaged closer to 5-6 hours and today I zonked out for nearly a full hour. I really don't like to nap unless I'm very sick as it tends to mess me up later in terms of normal sleeping times.

Today the little things kept me going. When shopping I wanted a snack, and really nothing was on sale I'd normally get. I saw some chocolate bunny cookies I'd had once or twice before. They are super yummy and I'm glad I got them. Even though the cookies are sealed tight in a container to keep them fresh I will keep the empty box a few days because it makes me smile.

I also watched a video for a game I would be playing if I could. It was some pretty cool news that made me a bit happy, but also made me a touch sad as it reminded me that I'm missing out on something because my life is pretty much opposite of everyone else in terms of opportunity.

It's only late afternoon and the day is crawling by. Sadly there is still no news of things opening up earlier than expected. I suppose though I survived the day, and these days I suppose that is just as important as anything else. I still hope we make it through, but I am still very worried about my unpaid bills as there is no sign of help or a stimulus check so far.

Yummy bunny cookies.

Day 4311 (V:35) - 4/20 - Returning rain

Today it seems the rain might be returning. Though it hasn't rained yet today, I heard a bit last night. With these days what they are I'd prefer rain, as it allows me to keep windows more, or completely, closed, which makes me feel a bit safer.

It's later afternoon, not really evening yet, and there is sadly nothing new. No news about the library or my area re-opening things. No news of donations or my stimulus check. I suppose though there is also no bad news today, which with what things are lately is, in a way, kind of good news.

I am trying to stay positive and be hopeful, but spending basically all day in my car these days I can't help but think back to the early days of being homeless when I was similarly limited to 1-2 hours of access and no gaming. Now more than ever it feels like I've gained nothing and I'm no closer to recovery than I was when this terrible journey started.

Day 4312 (V:36) - 4/21 - Predictive

Today is being written the night before, as my position is terrible lately and it's better to post very quickly the night before so I can leave my laptop somewhere safe.

But today I am hopefully down to about 1.75 weeks and then hopefully can return to at least partly homeless normal. And hopefully that first posting in May can be properly done in the morning from the library.

I don't know what to expect for the day. I have two classes which pretty much splits my day in two. On battery that is just about all I can do besides listen to stuff in my car. Other class stuff would have to be done on other days when I don't need to drain the battery for video chats.

But all I can do is try to hang on as best as I can. Hopefully the stimulus check comes soon, and hopefully some help beyond that so I can pay the important bills and upgrade to the new laptop so even if these terrible limitations continue I would at least have a little bit of flexibility. But that is out of my control. All I can do is hope. Hope help comes. Hope opportunity comes. And hope everything gets better for everyone.

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Pictures for Epic Fail are taken by me. :)

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