PC talk system recommendations blog Facebook YouTube articles and guides links bio
rabb1t's ramblings podcast email
Epic Fail: The Journal of a Homeless Gamer
Book 12: Unknown Beyond

This is my journal I wrote during the time I was homeless. It is broken up by week for easier reading. Feel free to read it on the web or download the complete .pdf version and print it for reading offline.

View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 1 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 2 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 3 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 4 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 5 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 6 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 7 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 8 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 9 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 10 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 11 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 12 .pdf paperback book
These include the Table of Contents, Glossary and links, all weeks, all pictures, and index.

Week 589

Day 4117 - 10/9 - Power warning weirdness

Today I am all kinds of freaked out by recent power things. Yesterday school put out a warning that they may get shut down. So in the evening I had to rush out into the panic of everyone else to buy ready to eat food for the next few days. While not completely terrible, it's not great to have extra lunchmeat in a week if I have access to a microwave. Thank the gods though everything worked out normal today. And tomorrow I even get an extra day off because the professor told me he's going to cancel even if school is open. There was no warning about school closing yet, but I guess we are still on alert that it might be.

So today I have extra incredible amounts of stress worrying if things will be closed or not. I have enough food, but it's not 'good food'. But along with everything else I have to worry about I still have that. My sleep was disturbed last night, and I expect it will continue to be as long as this is a possibility.

But mostly I will try to take tomorrow off and relax. I will do some homework, as there is stuff due Friday (not Sunday like it normally is.) So maybe I can get most of that done and fully have Friday off like I should. I am extremely depressed and stressed about money too, so I will try not to worry about that and hopefully help and donations will come in time. And hopefully I can hang on until they do.

Day 4118 - 10/10 - Slllooowww day

Today seemed like a very slow and long day. Stuff I did in the morning I barely remember now in the evening, as it feels like days ago.

I guess the day was ok. I played a little of my CCG. I had lunch. I did a homework. (So now there is only one I need to do on the weekend, not counting getting ahead on things.) I played my MMO just a bit. I haven't played too much lately because I think deep down I've been extremely depressed. As part of that I often get very quiet and tend to play things that don't require interaction with others, or if there is, indirect interaction, which is why I spend the most time playing my re-launched shooter. Though with content changing every week now I think if I really want to do the current things, get the current gear, and not feel left behind, I'll have to spend an estimated $70, which... I don't know... that seems like a lot these days.

I am still very worried about my health. I don't feel great and again today I just feel stupidly tired and unable to focus. I hope nothing serious is going on. But with now more than 11 years basically since I've been able to sleep in and not have restrictions on time I have to watch out for, it doesn't surprise me that I feel unprecedented levels of exhaustion. I'm still very worried about bills, and still no more help or donations have come since the gray ghost's visit about 1.5 months ago. But I try to stay hopeful, and I try to hang on.

Day 4119 - 10/11 - Pale moon

Today I feel weird. For some reason I didn't sleep well, so I started the day with only about six hours of sleep. So that certainly wasn't a great start. I felt kind of sick too, as my allergies and cold is still going crazy.

I watched a show in the morning, one I used to watch on Thursday nights. Half way through the fire alarm went off and so several classes of people had to leave the building and crowded around it. Apparently someone pulled a fire alarm. It took probably 15-20 minutes for them to stop the alarm and let everyone back in. I finished my show, played my MMO just a short while, and played my re-launched shooter.

I'm beginning to question it though. Without the newest paid content I'm grinding through old areas that, just like when I was playing before, are often completely empty. And, what is the point of being very high level with lots of gear options if all I'm doing is soloing in the open world areas. It's starting to feel a lot like my circular MMO issue where 'you only need raid gear if you raid, but since you don't raid you don't need to get the gear.' Which makes sense, as it's the same sort of 'evolving content cycle' in both cases.

I guess I did get some much needed rest though. At least as much as one can rest while homeless and sitting in a hallway on a school campus. Oh, there was also someone from an intro class that I helped for a bit. It was nice to do old TA things again. I still really wish my old professor had seen the value in that, stuck around, and gotten me into a (school) full time position doing that. I'd have been pretty happy doing that for a paid job the rest of my days. It's still weird she blew me off and abandoned me like she did. But I guess she blew off others as well. The friendly professor I have classes with thought they were friends, but apparently he heard about her leaving from someone else, and she didn't even say bye to him. I guess she's just that kind of person. Which I feel sorry for her knowing that. I see now all her flaws, why she was single with so few friends, and see a long path before her that will be more lonely than mine.

But I guess today was ok. Though my tummy is upset about the lunchmeat. I was warm. I was comfortable enough. The connection was relatively trouble free, so I relaxed with my MMO, relaunched shooter, and played a small bit with my CCG. There were no donations so I was still very worried about bills, gas, and physical health. But all I can do is try to focus on what I can have, what I have left, and hopefully help and donations will come in time, and I'll be ok.

Day 4120- 10/12 - Library patrol

Today I noticed a person seemingly patrolling the library with a security uniform on. I talked to someone I know who is a regular and he confirmed there are two full time people there now. In the past few weeks there have been a number of unstable people there now. A few have been semi-violent and made people fearful to be there, so that's good.

The connection was really extremely bad today. By noon it was just about completely unplayable, dropping completely about every five minutes. I completed maybe 25% of what I was hoping to after struggling for a few hours. Thankfully, though it took an hour or more to struggle through I did do all of the homework for the weekend. All that is left is reading, which I can do offline anywhere.

A sad day so far to be sure, with no end of reminders of why my life is sad and not at all a normal life. But things didn't get worse. Now that it is evening and I can do evening things, hopefully it will be ok, and tomorrow will be better.

Day 4121 - 10/13 - Left early

Today was pretty bad. By about 12:30 the connection was basically dead, which is weird because I'd been flying along with no issues before that. But by 1:30 it was unable to stay connected at all for more than five minutes. From that point on I basically spent the rest of the day doing a cycle of a few minutes on, a few minutes off waiting to reconnect. I really should have immediately left to go sit outside of school. The thing is I don't really have the spare gas, even though it's only about $0.75. And it has been getting chilly, so I feared it would be colder than I was at the library. Games were totally unplayable, if they could connect at all. I couldn't try to do any kind of homework or research because even the most basic of sites were taking several minutes to even connect. And because of all of the sadness and repeating cycle of, 'frustration, waiting, connecting, disconnecting, repeat,' I was never not in a completely frustrated and helpless feeling mood.

So today was a bad day. I barely got to play, and didn't accomplish anything at all. I felt helpless, sad, and fearful of my general health and well being. But I guess I made it through. I guess it's only one day. And hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.

Day 4122 - 10/14 - Spooky house is best house

Today there isn't really much to say. I feel extremely tired. I'm not really sure why. Maybe because of extra stress from not sleeping well lately, or because of last week's weirdness. I'm super sneezy too, and pretty hungry, so maybe I have a cold.

Lately when visiting the ex-house I pass by a spooky house. They have a big web with stuffed spiders, lights, and other decorations. They typically decorate for Halloween and Xmas, maybe a few other times a year too. I miss decorating. I miss having friends who decorate, or being young, and having that sense of wonder and excitement seeing decorations. These days if I see any at all, it's only in quick glance, as I must pass on by.

I'm ultra depressed lately. That might be affecting my health too. Like today twice I got into groups in my relaunched shooter hoping to do some quests, but they weren't doing that, so I may never get a group for that, as it seems people aren't doing it in that matchmade activity. And I did a raid in my MMO guild, but that too made me sad as I can't dedicate time to do super high end stuff as I don't have access to a connection when most people are doing that stuff. And that's been the case ever since I started playing five years ago. Will it always be so? It feels like it.

I try to hang on to hope that money and opportunity come, as I can hopefully recover if enough does. At least to some degree. Some things may forever be lost. But I try to hang on to hope. And hopefully help and donations come and I can continue to hang on.

Day 4123 - 10/15 - Evidence of rain

Today there was evidence of rain, or a very heavy mist, on many of the cars when I got up and about. I don't remember hearing any last night, but it wouldn't surprise me it's coming as the sky is completely gray again and it's been getting pretty cold.

I guess I slept ok last night for a change. The night felt about three times as long as normal, and for whatever reason I felt about three times as hungry. Maybe it's because for about the past 1.5 months I've had some regular cooked meals and so my body is again extra aware of the vegetables it's normally missing. I don't know. I feel like with eating normal food it'd take about double to quiet my hunger lately. And I'm still trying to get rid of the chubby tummy, so I don't know how I'll do that. I'm going to try to redouble my efforts to quit soda for a number of reasons, but it seems doubtful I can lose any real weight as long as I'm unable to eat freshly cooked healthy food and am living a life with drastically reduced stress levels.

I don't know what the day will hold. Class should be starting soon. But hopefully help and donations will come, and I can hang on until then.

Week 590

Day 4124 - 10/16 - Bark bark alarm

Today I was woken up by someone walking their dog and the dog barking for several minutes (not at me.) It was probably 45 minutes early and I just couldn't get back to sleep.

I guess it was an ok day. Class was ok, not stressful, but also still not super interesting as it was all stuff I knew.

I was considering playing my MMO more than usual, as lately I've just been peeking in for like 30 minutes then going, but yesterday and today the connection was terrible. And it's not school I don't think, as my re-launched shooter doesn't really have issues. But both days my MMO has ping of 999+ and I'd get stuck just sitting doing nothing, sometimes for several minutes before it moved again. That doesn't put me in a good mood to play. But I played my re-launched shooter quite a bit today and I guess I had a pretty good time.

I saw someone I haven't seen in a while and we chatted. He's still taking classes, but I would say he's part of 'last generation's' students. About every 2-3 years there seems to be a group that passes through and is gone. Which makes sense being a 2 year degree school.

It's weird to think he's one of the few of that generation left, and when those few are gone that's it. There really won't be anyone I know because I'm not a TA anymore. I suppose it's possible I could get to know the design degree people, as I've seen a few in the classes I'm taking now who were in previous classes with the friendly professor. But they don't talk to me, interact with me, or look to me for help and guidance like ones I TAed for. If I were only on campus during class and not other times I wouldn't see them any less, because I don't ever see them outside of class.

I suppose the day was ok. And I suppose overall I feel ok. I had an ok time with my game, and there is news of interesting new games and events in my current games coming up that seem potentially exciting. Though I'm very worried about my health and money, I'm hanging on as best as I can. And hopefully I can make it to better days.

Day 4125 - 10/17 - Slightly more enjoyment

Today was pretty good I guess. It was better than average in terms of my mood. The class was pretty fun and I had fun in my games.

Though underneath I'm still probably the most depressed ever. I still feel very fat and unattractive. I feel unhealthy in terms of food and have little to no control over choices. I often feel like 'why am I bothering to do anything', gaming, classes, whatever, because it feels like nothing will change. And what changes I think I might even be interested in or might like to do, I lack the money or freedom to do them. Today, more than others since there are the highest number of classes and greatest number of people walking around me, I felt like a kitten who has been beaten up and lost, left on the corner, with everyone passing by uncaring and not looking at me.

But there were 'good' moments today. There were some chats with the friendly professor and a student in class. A few former students were around and said hi. And even though I am solo the whole time, I had fun in my games.

As always I wanted more for me, but I seem to have no control of the factors that could change things. I just have to keep going forward, hoping someday opportunity will come, and I can eventually try to regain control.

Day 4126 - 10/18 - Didn't feel like it

Today was odd. I had a pretty good time with my shows and games, but I was actually in the mood to study. At least partly. It's very difficult for me to study. Back in a home when I got the urge, like today, I could just do it. I'd sometimes spread stuff out on a rug on the floor, or maybe put a show on TV in the background. But now... now it's different. I didn't study because I know I'd regret it on the weekend. I'd have probably done my homework and such pretty easily, but then on the weekend when the bandwidth is unstable for anything else I'd be mad and sad about wasting my good bandwidth.

I hate choices like this. I hate days and times like this where it feels like what I do is entirely forced because I know there are x and y windows of time and opportunity and if I miss one then it forces it to be done during the other. Or if I use a 'good one' for something that doesn't need a good one then it feels like a wasted opportunity.

I guess it is what it is. And it will almost certainly be the same. I'm sure bandwidth will be not the best on the weekend, but enough for homework, and my windows will not be wasted. But it makes me sad. I am choosing very little, as much of it is a forced choice. And you can't really live, or be creative or emotionally fulfilled if you are forced to do specific activities at specific times instead of when you really want to.

But I survived the day. And tomorrow is another day. And hopefully I will continue on. Hopefully help and donations will come. Hopefully I can hang on. And hopefully I can make it to better days.

Day 4127 - 10/19 - Strike

Today was quite the upset. The day started with the stupidly long drive to do recycling, as I was almost completely out of gas. The place was the busiest I've ever seen it and it was horribly loud. In good news I've waited so long to do it that I got somewhere between two and three weeks of gas, so that's good.

When I got to the library things were equally loud, as there were some protesters outside. I guess there is some kind of union strike going on and it was the library people's turn to strike? Sad news for me as it meant they shut down library services at that location.

I had no choice but to go somewhere else. I decided to go over to school, since that's what I did back in the day. It was pretty cold. I'd forgotten how cold concrete feels like a slab of ice during the winter. But outside of a few hiccups the connection was stable and solid. And since it was stable, and so much faster than the library, I got to do gaming stuff I didn't expect to do today. So I started the morning basically doing lunch, since by the time I got settled there it was an early lunch time. I played for a few hours after. Then I was starting to feel like homework, and it's a good thing I did as today's work took a couple of hours to do. I wasn't expecting it to take so long. After that there was a little bit of time left, so I played just a little more, then watched a show.

I guess as unexpected as today turned out, and as cold as it was, it was mostly ok. I worry about the extra bit of gas spent, and if I'll have to repeat this tomorrow. I worry that we are nearing the end of the month and unless I pull money saved for other bills I have nothing for the monthly car insurance. For some reason my ears are ringing pretty bad. Maybe because of the noise at school (there was a fountain close by running all day). Maybe I had to listen to things extra loud, or maybe because I have a cold. But I made it through. I try to hang on to hope help will come. And hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.

Day 4128 - 10/20 - A regular sunday

Today was a pretty regular Sunday. Bandwidth was pretty bad to start and almost completely unusable by noon. I did a pretty minimal amount of playing, certainly less than I'd have liked, but I guess it was enough.

I felt very sad and a bit weird, so I decided to go spend the 10 minutes to eat out in the car. It was super warm, quiet, and peaceful. Most of the morning was cold and rain clouds were everywhere. Now heading into night it is getting a bit chilly. But for the moment it looks like the clouds have left, though it still feels like rain.

I'm congested and sneezy. And again my ears are ringing. They have been for a few days, I'm not sure why. I'm a touch dizzy too, so I may have a low level cold.

I was pretty sad today, especially for two thirds of the day since the connection was basically unusable. I didn't feel great about the homework I did, as this batch of stuff are things I'm having difficulty with. But I'm sure it will be fine. But I am still worried about bills, and very worried about my health, so much so I'm having bad dreams about it lately. But all I can do is hope donations come. And try my best to hang on and suffer through until they do. And hopefully I can make it to better days.

Day 4129 - 10/21 - Unusually warm

Today was unusually warm. It seems yesterday when the rain clouds went away they took the cold with them. I've taken off my under layers for the moment and should be dressed like spring until the weekend.

I was pretty depressed today. There was a bit of happy trying to come through. I was going to update my PC hardware recommendations, but the sads held me down just long enough to keep me in a game just long enough to miss my window to do that. Maybe I will do it tomorrow. It will depend on how I feel after I work on my late homework.

I'm not really sure what to say for today. I was sniffly and sneezy. I had a headache and my ears were ringing all day, so I certainly have a cold. Oh, I was extra sad too because my MMO has a new DLC that came out today. I was expecting to get it as I thought I had enough special coins (real world money for DLC), but I guess I don't. So I will yet again be behind on the newest content. I am only a little short, but even just that $5 short feels like a lot, as I'd need to take it from money saved for the yearly web space bill. And until that is paid I absolutely can't do anything else. And when I do get 'extra' that is going to immediately be drained by the monthy car insurance bill.

So today I am very depressed. And while I could feel a little happy trying to come out, the weight of all the sad things kept it down. I continue to hope help and donations come. Maybe tomorrow I won't be so down. And hopefully I can hang on until better days.

Day 4130 - 10/22 - Feeling very behind

Today I am feeling very behind in the Tuesday/Thursday class. There is a pretty big project due around Halloween and normally I'd already have such a thing finished and just be nit picking at it. But I really haven't done much work on it. Partly that's because I'm limited to time when I'm at school, and further limited by certain time windows depending on the day, because I don't have the software. Part I think is my extreme depression suppressing creativity or perception of things. I have plenty of time, plenty of access to do the things, I just need to make the serious effort to do it.

I guess I feel ok other than that. I lost a lot of sleep last night. I guess in part due to this, and in part due to my cold. I'm still freaking out about money, but that's not new so it shouldn't be affecting me as much as it is. But I try to hold it together. I try to focus on all the things. And hopefully I can hang on until help comes, and hopefully I can make it to better days.

Comments and stuff Copyright E. Stryker 2008-2019
Pictures for Epic Fail are taken by me. :)

flash required for the logo
best viewed at 1280 wide resolution or higher