Week 609
Day 4257 - 2/26 - On, off, on, off, on
Today things seem to be warming up just a little bit. I had my undershirt on and off several times today. Apparently the weather app said it was in the mid 70s today, and almost will be tomorrow. But in about three days the temperature will drop by almost 10 degrees, so obviously it's not quite time to take layers off yet.
My professor was super impressed and happy with my assignment again. She was like 'omg you do such great work. You should be really proud of this.' And I mentioned how this was basically a thing I used to do for a living for 5 years. I talked a bit about how I was getting like 1/3 of what designers with degrees were getting because we were just a copy shop and I'd only do work like this once every other week. I think she could hear some of the extreme depression in my voice and assumed it was related to the class and asked if I wasn't proud of it. I said it's pretty good and I'd feel ok about giving it to the client if I was being paid to do it.
It's tough to explain how I feel about that kind of work. I guess as the friendly professor would say it's 'graphic design for function' not 'for art'. The emphasis is on the use of the thing, not so much the visual aesthetic. I don't really care for things like business cards and newsletters much anymore. I mean, yeah, you can get creative with them, but it's not as creative as something like a logo or a poster used for advertising.
I am still extremely depressed and worried about things. I took what money had been sent to me so far and paid the car insurance today. So that is something. Safe for another month. But the membership is still looming ahead. And still threatening to drain what I have reserved for school. So I am sad, worried, and extremely depressed about it.
But I have what I have. What money I have is all I have, and only one or two things can be paid. My laptop continues to struggle at times. My car continues to hang on, though always smells like old engine. But I have what I have. And all I can do is try to hang on until help comes.
Day 4258 - 2/27 - Swamped
Today I was pretty swamped with project stuff. I have a really big project I had to work on and then a somewhat big one after that. I spent most of the class doing preparation stuff for the big project. Then I got into a lab and spent the next few hours basically finishing it. It's 'good enough' to turn in. I'm not super proud of it. I'd like several more hours to fiddle with it. But without access to the program outside of school I just won't have time before it's due.
The other project should only take a couple of hours to do and I'll have to try to do it tomorrow. Probably after lunch, as there is a fair chance the person who opens the lab might not be there before then. He's super lazy and often comes in 30 or more minutes late. I should be able to do it quickly. If not then I could do it Monday before class if I had to.
My project totally distracted me a lot from my sad things, but they were always on my mind. The professor said class signups are starting now and talked about his classes for next quarter. But still not knowing what will happen with my money I'm not sure if I should risk signing up yet. Help to pay the bills would really be great and super appreciated, but it's never guaranteed. In fact, these days it's extremely rare.
But, as always, all I can do is talk about my sad things. And hopefully help comes in time.
Day 4259 - 2/28 - Long
Today felt like a very long and sad day. At my core I am still super depressed and worried about money. I basically couldn't stop worrying all day. 
Though there were some ok moments, and some moments that I actually laughed at shows. I tried to do the important homework and was blocked. Since I'd started on a Mac, and the labs are PC, it was missing several basic Mac fonts. And missing the font meant it changed all of the paragraph style spacing. So, I changed the layout how I wanted with pictures and text placement, but I can't actually finish until Monday when I can use a Mac again. I was proud of what I did, especially since I pounded it out in about 30 minutes, which includes times to change the pictures, but sadly I couldnt finish.
The day has felt overly long. Probably in part due to a lot of lag in the connection, as that always makes watching and doing things extremely frustrating. I played a few different games, and felt like I had fun, but not as much as I would have without the worry of bills, and without lag. I watched a few different shows, catching up a bit with one, and watching part of a long stream.
I have maybe thought of a way to juggle some things to reduce the stress of the bills in terms of timing, but really I'm going to be suffering without help. But all I can do is try to hang on. And try to stay hopeful that help will come in time.
Day 4260 - 2/29 - Less homework
Today was weird. I played a game for a bit, but that had reading, and my brain and eyes couldn't read or focus on the information at all. And, twice there were muscle spasms. Once in my shoulder, which hurt for several minutes. And another in my hip. I'm sneezing less, so that's good, but still sneezing.
There was less homework than I thought. I did one assignment super quick, and another I thought was due apparently has been pushed to Wednesday. So I'll worry about that later. Though that professor again sent out a huge assignment basically with unrealistic time to complete it.
I guess my day was mostly ok other than that. I had an ok time in my game, but I was extremely sad all day. I didn't feel great due to my cold. I'm exhausted, and my brain and eyes aren't focusing. And my ears are ringing. I'm extremely hungry too.
So today really I feel beaten, sick, hungry, and am very sad and worried about bills.
Day 4261 - 3/1 - Feeling more sick
Today I feel more sick than I have been. Sneezing has been more rare. But I'm still pretty congested, my ears are ringing, and I'm more off balance due to general dizziness than usual. Everything I ate upset my tummy and I made extra trips to the bathroom.
I guess the day was ok. I wish I could have had a freshly cooked soup and had no constant noise and movement from people around me. But that is not my life. I wanted to work on homework stuff, but without the software I'm basically stuck and can't do more for the moment.
I discovered, with some risk, if I juggle when things are paid I can cover the critical parts of school costs and sign up, and probably also the car insurance membership. What is at risk in trade for doing those is the next car insurance payment, as I don't expect to have money for it until past the April due date. And by burning everything now I'd have nothing for gas, school parking next quarter, or upcoming bills (like the domain registration or car registration). So, help is still critically needed and I don't know how I'll make it through.
As always, all I can do is try to rest and recover to get over this cold. And try to hang on and hope help comes in time for the bills.
Day 4262 - 3/2 - Fast assignment
Today I had to do an assignment. I pounded it out in probably 15 minutes, maybe 30. It was basically taking a bunch of what I did, manipulating it, and putting it into advertising and marketing material. So there was a poster sized ad, a to go box, and water bottle. It is just a black logo on red background, so that was super easy. Though all black text makes it heavy, and kind of hurts the eyes, so in some of it the text was changed to white. I like how they turned out and feel pretty good about them.
Class was actually canceled today, so the other assignment I couldn't finish over the weekend will have to remain unfinished until tomorrow, which is basically fine. It should be like 15 minutes to finish.
I guess today was ok, but I feel weird. I felt out of it, disconnected, confused, hungry, very sleepy, physically exhausted; though a few times in the day felt hopeful and positive.
Still there has been no help for the bills, so I still worry a lot. But I try to continue to hang on and hope that help will come.
Day 4263 - 3/3 - Unknown day
Today is kind of unknown. I know we are showing a big project we did in class, but I don't know what else we are doing. I have a little bit to do for another class' project, and maybe a bit more on another depending if I get information I need, but I'm not sure what else the day will bring.
I haven't checked online yet, but so far there has been no additional help for the bills. The two that are helping monthly are a huge help, but really that barely covers car insurance. Everything else is still unpaid. So I am very worried about getting help for the bill due by the end of the month, and the two coming very soon after. But I try to continue to stay hopeful help will come in time.
Week 610
Day 4264 - 3/4 - Tired day
Today is a tired day. I've felt pretty exhausted all day. Thankfully there is one small assignment I have to work on, but really this weekend can be taken as a break, as there is a little bit before the next big assignment. Which is good, because with my generally sad life, my cold, and all the extra stress about the recent (still unpaid) bills, I'm basically completely burnt out. At this point I'm doing routine patterns as a zombie would, stumbling exhaustedly through steps and days I will hopefully reach in the future when I actually need to recall stuff.
It wasn't a bad day though. I did a fun assignment in class, and I helped out some people, so things felt ok. TAing for the former professor seems like ancient history now. Though I suppose always in the back of my mind I am finally letting go of some of the tension I didn't know I was carrying (because of all the stress and anger at so many years of broken promises.)
I am still very worried about the bills. I can move money to pay the critical bill, but as mentioned, doing that will leave me vulnerable as the next month's car insurance payment will not be there in a few weeks when it's due. Not to mention nothing would be left for gas, school parking next quarter, or bills around the corner in the next few months.
But all I can do is try to hang on emotionally. Hopefully someday I can catch up on some rest, relax when bills are not so stressful, and maybe have a new game. But I don't know when, or if, those days will ever come. So all I can do is try to hang on and hope help comes. Hopefully soon.
Day 4265 - 3/5 - So very extremely tired
Today I am very extremely tired. I have felt like I was half asleep all day. I have no energy and feel like I need a nap.
Class felt like it started and then almost immediately over, though I know it only ended about 30 minutes sooner than normal. We had some lecture about classes that are coming up that I only half paid attention to since I don't have much freedom in that regard. Then we watched a couple of videos.
The rest of the day I played a bit, but mostly watched mindless stuff. Because of how exhausted I felt I really couldn't focus, nor did I have the attention span to do anything important. It also didn't help that the connection was the worst ever. It was running super slow, and at several points completely disconnected. I don't get why but in the past year or two the school connection has gone from great to more often the worst. The only time it seems to be really decent anymore is Friday. Which has just about the same number of people on my floor, so I don't get why that's the only seemingly decent time.
There were no donations or help, so I continue to be very concerned about the bills. But all I can do is try to hang on emotionally. And hopefully help will come before things get too bad.
Day 4266 - 3/6 - Boxes and shelves
Today was a bit different. I was at school hanging out a couple of hours then I spent the bulk of the day helping someone move boxes and shelves. They gave me some monies, so that is super helpful as it pays about 40% of what I don't have to pay the immediate bills. So I'm a decent amount closer to having money and being back on track.
I'm tired and sniffling. It's only early evening, so there is still a bit left in the day, but I expect things will hopefully be calm and restful. My ears are ringing and I'm extra sniffly, likely due to all the dust I was breathing all day. So hopefully that will clear up soon.
I guess it was an ok day. I'm a lot closer to the unpaid bills, but I will still worry until they are fully clear. Hopefully more help will come and that happens soon.
Day 4267 - 3/7 - Low population
Today at the library there was a pretty low population. I'd guess it was more because of the increasing virus panic than it was the cold and sometimes raining weather. I'd guess it reached a max of about 60%, which is very low compared to the 100% average on Saturdays just after noon. Hopefully the low population will continue.
I guess it was an ok day. I'm trying to take a bit of a break since my only homework due requires the software, which I don't have. I also don't have to turn it in until Wednesday, so Monday and Tuesday during class should be enough time to pound it out.
I still feel quite a bit off due to worry about the bills. I'm super stressed, which is making me extremely tired. But I'm trying to hang on and continue as best as I can, physically and emotionally. And hopefully I can continue to hang on, and hope that help comes in time.
Day 4268 - 3/8 - Feeling pretty sick
Today I'm feeling pretty sick. The cold I've been fighting for a few weeks is winning. My lungs feel both super congested, but dry, my nose is still pretty stuffed, and I still feel pretty tired overall. I kind of feel like it's a bit of a fever and chills, but I don't feel warm on my body, yet I do feel a touch dizzy in general and my ears are always ringing.
If I were in a home I wouldn't have done much of anything. When I'm sick like this I tend to put a throw blanket on me, not do much except mindless things, and eat chicken soup and fries with extra salt.
I guess it was a pretty restful day. I watched stuff most of the day. I did play a bit, but not a lot, as I have been too sad in general to play much, and with how my cold is beating me up I have nothing left to enjoy games with.
At least tomorrow I can micro food and have something warm. Maybe that will help. I may get a cheap soup, or maybe some super cheap ramen. I don't eat soup anywhere as often as I used to these past few years as they are more often $3.50 than they are $1.50 on sale.
I guess I survived the day. No help or donations came, so I am still extremely worried about the bills. But all I can do is try to hang on emotionally and physically. And hopefully help comes in time.
Day 4269 - 3/9 - Cone of congestion
Today people barely stayed in class. Granted most of it became an open lab, but not even half way through the class period it was down to about five people left. Fear of the virus is pretty extreme. Even in my driving in the evening there was almost no traffic at all.
I'm still feeling pretty sick. The fever feeling has passed, but I still feel a bit of chill effect inside, especially in my tummy. My sinuses are pretty stuffed up. It's like there's a cone of congestion from my sinuses down to a point in my belly button. Oddly the sides of my lungs feel pretty ok, it's really just the middle that feels stuffed up. There is a little dizziness, but really that seems more paired with my extreme level of exhaustion. I still feel like if I were in a home I could rest and lie down and I would likely just sleep most of the day. I suppose if it gets much worse I could just go out to my car and do that if I'm not in class. Though with the ever decreasing population it's not a lot different to just be restful in my spot in the hall.
Still no donations or help for the recent bills. Which is extra bad news today as I was told I don't qualify for the $10 discount advertised in all the renewal forms.
As always it seems all I can do is try my best to hang on physically and emotionally. And hopefully help will come in time.
Day 4270 - 3/10 - Not strangled feeling
Today I am not feeling like I'm being strangled. I didn't mention yesterday that part of my congestion was my lymph nodes in my neck were swollen and felt like I was being strangled. Today it's only half as bad, so hopefully I'm getting better.
I had a rough time getting to sleep last night, and needed extra due to my cold, so today is starting a bit late. Class should actually be starting, but not even a third of the class is here yet.
Hopefully today will be calm and restful and I can continue to get over my cold. No donations or help, which is very worrisome with the upcoming bills that are critical. But I continue to try and stay hopeful that I can recover from my cold, and that help with the bills will come in time.
