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Epic Fail: The Journal of a Homeless Gamer
Book 12: Unknown Beyond

This is my journal I wrote during the time I was homeless. It is broken up by week for easier reading. Feel free to read it on the web or download the complete .pdf version and print it for reading offline.

View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 1 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 2 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 3 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 4 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 5 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 6 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 7 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 8 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 9 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 10 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 11 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 12 .pdf paperback book
These include the Table of Contents, Glossary and links, all weeks, all pictures, and index.

Week 587

Day 4103 - 9/25 - Tired paws

Today my feet hurt so much. It feels like I walked about 4 or 5 miles recently. I am walking a bit more now that I'm at school, but it's probably a quarter mile total all day.

It was super hot today. It was extremely warm when I made lunch at 11, and when I left in the early night time it somehow still felt very warm out. If I were to guess I'd say it probably was in the mid 80s. It's amazingly hot after being in the low 70s and raining the other week.

I guess class is ok so far. There is a lot of homework and research which doesn't seem fun. But I guess I have to do what I have to do. It is certainly better than many possible alternatives.

I'm still pretty sick. I've had a lot of headaches, sneezing, and am still a bit dizzy. I feel really extremely hungry too, which is no good as my tummy feels fatter (though my legs, especially from my knee down, feel thinner.)

I guess, as always, my life is what it is. I have to try to make the best of limited to no choice. And so I try to hang on until help and donations come. And hopefully I can make it to better days.

Day 4104 - 9/26 - So tired, so hungry

Today I am extremely tired and extremely hungry. I guess it's my cold beating me up. I have about zero attention span or memory, and I'm the most tired and hungry I've been in I don't know how long. I'm so tired and hungry that for the past couple of days the smell of the freshly cooked cafeteria food has smelt so yummy I have nearly started crying at the smell of it. No one should ever be that hungry.

I feel uncared for and like I have no value. Which is not true. I know the professor who likes me appreciates when I talk in class, and when we hang out talking about stuff. And I chatted with a few other students, one even said hi to me. But I don't know... though I know it's not true I feel like no one would care if they didn't see me ever again.

I guess the day was ok other than that. Though I'm getting dangerously low on money. I'm basically out already. I have enough in the tank for a week of gas, maybe a bit more, and that's it. (Without destroying what I have saved and hidden for important things.) So I continue to hope help and donations come. And I try my best to hang on until better days.

Day 4105 - 9/27 - Fun, but not happy

Today was a bit odd. The only way I can think to describe it is that I had fun, but was not happy. I wasn't super sad, or upset. I just wasn't really having as happy as I should have been. In the morning to early afternoon I watched a streamer. Then the rest of the day I took off to relax and play. Monday and Friday will be my big play days, since the library connection on the weekend is unreliable, so that's a better time to maybe considering doing homework with less 'serious' play.

While I was online in my MMO, and playing against people in my CCG, I didn't really feel like either was with people. I guess I just feel a bit alone and lonely even though I knew I was not, and people had even talked to me at school and a bit in my game. While I had a lot of fun doing the things, I didn't really feel all that happy. Which I'm not sure that has happened before.

Maybe it's because subconsciously I was actually really depressed and just don't realize it, and maybe that was suppressing the happy feelings. Maybe it's because what I was doing wasn't really new or different, so while it was fun it was stuff I was used to doing. Maybe it was because all day I was feeling sad about things I was missing, forced windows or forced choices (such as what food to have), or because even though I was warm and comfortable 'enough' it was not private or in a home.

I'm still super sick too. I'm very sneezy, a touch dizzy, and today my ears are ringing. I'm still just completely exhausted feeling and extra hungry. All day I've felt like if I stopped and closed my eyes for even just a minute I'd pass out and stay asleep. Though, as exhausted as I feel I don't feel super tired, just a little bit tired. My feet still hurt too. There were even a few times I felt pain shocks through the bottoms of my feet, again as if I'd walked several miles today.

I suppose though things weren't super bad. I still have my gaming laptop. I still have a stable connection to try to have fun. My car is still in one piece and hanging on. And while many things are the worst ever, today things are not notably worse than yesterday. So I try my best to hope help and donations come. I try to hang on to hope. And hopefully I can hang on long enough to make it to better days.

Day 4106 - 9/28 - Like feet and farts

Today was not very good. First I was still pretty sick feeling, lots of sleepy and a touch of dizziness. Next there seemed to be flags on all the furniture at the library. There were notices they are changing things and apparently that will happen Monday and Tuesday. I talked to a librarian about it for a while and what they plan sounds like they have no clue what the visitors would really want. What is even more mind boggling is today the bandwidth was jammed up so badly I couldnt do really anything all day. Their connection can't even handle the load that is there now, there's no way it could handle more people.

There were a lot of stinky people near me today too. All day about every 30 minutes I'd smell a disgusting sandwich, what seemed like feet, or farts. I don't know what was going on. Maybe the AC wasn't working as well and smells were lingering or something. I certainly wasn't as cold as usual, so I'd believe it if that were the case.

So today was pretty terrible, with indication things are going to be messed up at the library. Hopefully it will be ok, but I guess we'll see. Wednesday night or maybe Friday I'll go do a sort of preview of the changes and see if it seems like I'd be anywhere close to what I have now.

But today seemed like just a reminder I'm not in control. I have no influence. And my thoughts and desires are not cared for at all.

Day 4107 - 9/29 - Getting very cold

Today things are getting very cold. Much of the day the outside was gray and looked like it would rain. It might still tonight. It 'feels and smells' like rain.

I guess today was slightly better. There wasn't enough bandwidth to play my MMO, but I did homework and then tried to play my CCG. Bandwidth was ok for that, but not great. Which I guess was ok because I just kept losing and it wasn't very fun. In the evening I watched most of a show. I lost track of time, so there wasn't enough time to watch it all. It's ok, I can finish the rest tomorrow.

I guess the day wasn't terrible, but I was pretty sad, didn't play hardly at all due to low bandwidth, and as always there were many things I missed because of my homeless limitations. But still all I can do is try to hang on to hope. Hopefully help and donations come and I can make it through to better days ahead.

Day 4108 - 9/30 - Maybe excited

Today I am still pretty sick. I don'[t feel super bad, just a touch dizzy, pretty sneezy, congested, tired, and have headaches. I guess today was ok though. Bandwidth was a bit wibbly wobbly in the morning, but cleared up pretty quickly. I played my MMO, even did a raid in the evening. Most of the middle of the day I played the CCG I've been into recently.

I find myself maybe excited about a game I used to play. I got upset at it for how they always wanted more and more money for the next expansions, pushing way past $80 a year if I wanted to keep up. And they because pushed anyone away who didn't have them, giving a big FU to people like me who didn't keep current. I'm maybe excited though becasue they are changing how they do the expansions, and more importantly customization of things, and how you can now progress no matter what area you are in, regardless of if that's a new or old area. So a lot of the pushing away feeling should be gone. They are also moving a bulk of content to 'free to play', and claiming they have an emphasis on that, so we'll see how much content I have access to soon enough, and if they keep their promise about focusing on moving content into the free to play space.

The change happens tomorrow and during much of today my thoughts wandered to playing that game again. It is a pretty solid sci-fi shooter. My only real issues with it were that it was extremely repetitive (scripted, not randomized) and there is a high emphasis on group activities. Which is fine if someone has people to play with, but if they are a solo player like me that's not the best. I literally have quests that are a year or two old in some cases because they can't be completed solo. And that really hurt the population on PC, as it created a group of people who had people to play with, and effectively pushed people like me away because there weren't enough random people to group with, and that led to effectively no one being around when I played. I guess we'll see if that happens again in a few months when excitement cools down, or if enough solo people will stick around random group things are feasible.

So I guess today was ok. Though I feel pretty lonely and I'm still very worried about my money running out. As always, all I can really do is try to hang on and hope that help and donations come.

Day 4109 - 10/1 - Itchy eyes

Today I am pretty sure my cold is really not a cold, but instead extreme allergies. I've been sneezing and had itchy eyes for a few days now. The itching today is pretty extreme. These two symptoms really only ever happen with allergies. I do have a few allergy pills left from a while ago, so I'll do one a day until they are gone. I don't know if it will help, as it didn't seem to help before when I took them, but I'll try.

I was hoping to get to play my old shooter a bit before class, but it looks like it doesn't start / re-launch until 10 PST. Which I guess is ok, as class should be in the free lab period at that point, which I don't usually need since I 'work from home'.

I'm warmish and trying to settle and recover from my allergies or cold or whatever it is. Hopefully class will be fun and I have a good day after. I'm still super worried about money for all the things, but all I can do is continue to hope help and donations come, and hopefully I can hang on until better days.

Week 588

Day 4110 - 10/2 - Unwelcoming library

Today was an odd mix. When talking with the friendly professor yesterday he was saying he wasn't feeling good from a surgery and had a follow up surgery set for later today. I told him if he didn't feel good I'm sure I speak for everyone when I say he should just take the day off and rest. Back surgery isn't something to mess around with compared to an hour or two of lecture easily made up over the next class or two. I guess that came true as today's class was canceled. I did a quick assignment he posted, but then took the rest of the time off as an extra mid-week break. I pretty much played my re-launched shooter, as I will be talking about it on my podcast.

The evening turned into something that depressed me. I went to peek at the library changes and they aren't great. I'm sure I will adapt over the next few months, I have no choice, but basically now what is a relatively private space - a two-top table set apart from neighbors - has become a forced-choice of varying levels of no privacy to semi-private but physically painful. A lot of desks were removed in favor of low-back chairs, which likely will be hell on my back. And there are only an extreme few tables left. Which if I don't find a regular spot at one of those, all of which lack privacy, I would have to sit at a low-back chair. Which means there is a high chance of people being too close to me, too noisy triggering issues I have with noise, or triggering allergies due to perfume or other smells. The two-top area I used to sit in has been replaced with low-back seating which is effectively a long booth seat along the wall. While that sounds great to regular people there is zero privacy. And people could literally sit right next to you when it gets crowded, getting so close they invade private space and privacy even if they don't mean to.

I'm tempted to take a couch type single chair, because I could push it into the corner and preserve private space. However, the 'desks' are C shaped things which barely look like my laptop would fit on them, which is extremely problematic as that leaves no room for a mouse or drink, and the slightest bump could knock it over. If I could rotate the C and put it across the chair it might be long enough to go over both arms and that would act like a TV tray. But I feel that would be way too high to use comfortably.

I may have no choice but to sit at a four-top table, risking multiple triggers. Though I know I could handle it, it would be extremely uncomfortable emotionally compared to before.

But I guess I won't know for sure until after I've spent the needed time there. As always it just seems to serve as a reminder that I am neither in control, nor wanted or considered in people's thoughts.

Day 4111 - 10/3 - Chilly

Today was fine. It was chilly out. It's getting colder and colder very rapidly. In the morning I had my class, which was really all stuff I've heard and done in another class recently. So I snuck in some CCG playing while there was lecture. After, I still felt sick-ish and was very tired, so I mostly rested and played my game. I did about 30 minutes of homework, but I felt like just leaving it for the weekend when I have limited connectivity.

I guess today overall was ok, but I feel fat, out of shape, tired, still sort of sick, and as always very 'homesick'. I am very worried about money too, as what little is left (which isn't reserved) is rapidly running out. And if I have to use my reserve, that would be extra terrible because that is trying to be important bill money and I already don't have enough. So again today all I can do is hope help and donations come. And hopefully I can make it to better days ahead.

Day 4112 - 10/4 - Feels like drowning

Today, and for a few days now, my breathing has been sort of difficult. It feels like someone is squeezing my chest, or like there's a weight on it. In a way it feels like the air is much thicker, and far more difficult to breathe, almost as if I'm drowning.

I think because of that today my thoughts turned to death and how I am trying to take time off, like today, to try and play and have fun before I die. I looked at my fancy mouse, thought about how I have so few nice things which define me, that people would say 'he would have liked this', and it took everything I had not to start crying. Even with all my effort there were a few tears. I tried to remember I should have 35-40 more years, but today seems to be one of those days my mind says, 'But what if you don't? What if today is it because these homeless times have taken too great a toll?'

It was otherwise a good day. I chatted with the professor who likes me. I mentioned an idea I had for a project for one of the classes and he said he loved it and might actually change the assignment in the future to be more like that. I also played quite a bit, making some progress in my shooter. Played my CCG a little - probably lost more games than I won. And watched a few shows. I even found someone's wallet that she sat down and abandoned outside of the classroom and returned it to her safe and sound. So, all in all today was actually a good day except for the difficulty breathing and extreme sadness.

But there were no donations or help, so I continue to be very afraid of running out of gas, the upcoming car insurance bill, and other things. But I have little to no control of things. All I can do is try to hang on, and hopefully help and donations come in time.

Day 4113 - 10/5 - Take a seat

Today was the first library day with the new seats. It wasn't great. One hour of my stay I was repeatedly checking behind me as it felt like someone was standing there. I guess overall it wasn't as bad as I anticipated. Though there are 0-3 people near me, with 0-5 behind me compared to a previous 0-1 and 0-2. So there is a lot higher chance to have people near me who are doing things that annoy me, or have scents that I'm allergic to. Plus I'm in a lot more congested area. Like today there were three people studying a few tables down and I could clearly hear their conversation even through my headphones and game.

I suppose things aren't terrible. The bandwidth hung on enough that I accomplished more in my game than I anticipated. Though it still seems like it suffers from the problem that no one is doing the 'old content' as I never see anyone doing the old quest group content. Also it seems, in general, there is almost never anyone around in public activities. I think only about 40% of activities I did had people around. The rest of the time public areas were nearly or totally empty. So I don't know how long I'll stick with my relaunched shooter.

But I played a bit, watched some shows, and did some homework. And I guess I felt ok, though deep down I was very sad, homesick, worried about money, and lonely. But I managed as best as I could. And I guess I held on ok. As always, I try to let go of what I can't control, try to hope help and donations come, and try my best to hang on.

Day 4114 - 10/6 - A bit worse

Today table people were worse. In the morning there was a lady who was all crunch crunch crunch with nuts for like two minutes every 30 minutes. After the third time she did that I was very tempted to yell at her to just eat it all until she was full and stop repeatedly snacking on it. In the afternoon there was a guy who kept leaning down and pushing his elbow into my area. I was very close to telling him to 'stay on his side of the border'. (There are little 1/2" border bumps dividing the table. He kept pushing several inches over into my area, nearly touching my laptop and arm.)

The bandwidth was pretty terrible too. By noon it was basically unplayable. I couldn't stay connected to a game for more than 5 minutes. And by 1:30 it was completely going dead for several minutes at a time. It didn't get any better and in the early evening I just gave up on it and left early. I couldn't stand it anymore.

So today was just another sad reminder of the limitations of my life. I was uncomfortable, on an unstable connection, didn't feel very 'proud' of the homework I did, and just generally felt bad health-wise and in regards to food options. But I struggled through it. I suffered in silence, as I must always do. Hopefully help and donations will come, and I can continue to hang on until they do.

Day 4115 - 10/7 - Sneezy day

Today my allergies are going crazy. I've been sneezing much of the day. Earlier in the day my eyes were super itchy and felt puffy though didn't look it. I got some allergy meds, but I don't know if they are helping. It would be crazy if these are reduced symptoms.

I spent much of my time playing today, though I felt like I was forgetting something. Like there was something I was supposed to do or watch. But I don't know what that is, and I couldn't think of anything.

Deep down I still feel sad and worried about bills. But there were no donations or help, so there is nothing I can do but try to hang on. And hopefully I can make it to better days.

Day 4116 - 10/8 - Still very sniffly

Today I'm still very sniffly. I just got up a little while ago, so my eyes are also super itchy. Yesterday was super warm again, but today it looks like things are getting cold again. It would have been nice to have shorts the rest of the week, but that seems unlikely.

I don't know what the day will hold. I should have class soon (though no one is here yet) and then I'll probably play a bit. Though I'm already hitting content blocks on my re-launched shooter. New quests I got are hitting the same block of no one is doing that content because it's not the newest thing, so I can't even catch up solo. It's one of the biggest issues that pushed me away before, as I'm a solo player.

I'm still very worried about bills, but I try to not let it get me too down. All I can do is try to hold on and hope help and donations come in time.

Comments and stuff Copyright E. Stryker 2008-2019
Pictures for Epic Fail are taken by me. :)

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