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Epic Fail: The Journal of a Homeless Gamer
Book 12: Unknown Beyond

This is my journal I wrote during the time I was homeless. It is broken up by week for easier reading. Feel free to read it on the web or download the complete .pdf version and print it for reading offline.

View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 1 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 2 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 3 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 4 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 5 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 6 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 7 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 8 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 9 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 10 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 11 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 12 .pdf paperback book
These include the Table of Contents, Glossary and links, all weeks, all pictures, and index.


Week 603

Day 4215 - 1/15 - Almost rain

Today it almost rained. Things were frozen in the morning and there was evidence of rain from last night, but it didn't actually rain during the day. I saw a crazy news post that it's supposed to snow, which in my entire life here it's only snowed twice ever, both for only about 30 minutes.

I guess today was ok. We spent like 1.5 hours going through everyone's homework and talking about it. I could see that some might get ideas from others, but really probably 60% of the work was the same thing. I'm not sure it really served to inspire as much as I think students were just bored. A very beautiful girl said by to me by name. Normally I don't like to hear my name, but it seemed nice. (Likely I don't like to hear it because it feels connected to how I look, which I also didn't choose.) She has a wedding ring, so no doubt she was just being friendly.

There were no donations or help, so the day was mostly the same. I am pretty sniffly, have had a headache lately, a few sneezes, and now my ears are ringing. Though I don't know if the last is from a cold or maybe too many pain pills.

As always, I try to hang on to the happy things I have left. And hopefully I can make it to better days.

Day 4216 - 1/16 - Broken back

Today, and yesterday though I forgot to mention it, my back has been kind of broken. It's in old man mode where it's ok curved and still, but it doesn't want to straighten out if I get up to walk somewhere. And if I try to, it's pretty painful. I should probably try to stretch it, but it's super cold lately, so I don't really have anywhere to do that except for school. Which means I can try tomorrow if I don't forget, but that's it until Tuesday.

Today was a pretty regular homeless day. I had class which passed quickly. Then I played and tried to relax with what was left of the day. We had to pair up with people for group projects, and sadly I wasn't grouped with any cute girls. Which I suppose is for the best anyways.

There were no donations or help, though someone may send me a shirt that's on sale, so that would be super nice. So I try to hang on to what's left. And hopefully I can make it to better days.

Day 4217 - 1/17 - Feeling very down

Today I am fully depressed. In the morning I watched a stream of a show. Where six months ago I could picture the scenes in my head, lately all I see are the talking heads of the people playing. I can no longer imagine the scenes. I had planned to do extra things in my MMO, but I barely did my dailies, and jumped out early after probably not even 45 minutes. I half heartedly played my shooter, and similarly left super early after only maybe 30 minutes. I watched a new series I picked up recently the rest of the time.

I think lately I've just been saddened by feeling trapped. I can't really look ahead because I no longer have money for anything. Even if I did my laptop is aged to the point that if it were a game I was looking forward to, there is a very high chance I couldn't even run it. And not being connected to people I would want to hang out with, those things aren't an option either.

I think lately I feel like I'm trapped by my limited options. And the options I have to try to change things also feel like a prison of a different kind. I think lately I am losing hope again.

But I have some games still. And yesterday I spent some Xmas monies I'd saved on an expansion for my MMO, which at least for the moment I can still play. (The expansion doesn't come out for like five months though.) And for the moment I have a few shows to watch still, though those are running out. So I try to hang on. And hopefully I can make it to better days.

Day 4218 - 1/18 - Thrid time's a charm

Today the food store was being weird with power again. It took warming the battery up under my legs twice to work. The first two times starting the system it just immediately shut down showing zero battery. After keeping the battery under my legs to warm for about 5 minutes before the third try it started normally and showed the '96% not charging' full like it normally does. I don't get why this only happens at the food store. It doesn't have this issue if I go straight to school after grabbing food, a difference of less than 10 minutes before starting.

I guess today was ok, but I have some critical homework that is due tomorrow and I'm just not feeling good or creative at all. I half-assed my way through some, and so I should be able to get through the rest and be fine pretty quickly tomorrow, but I don't know. I am sad because I know in a home, where I'd be warm, have private space, don't have to worry about time limits or time windows, and could have cooked food, I'd have no issues getting through it. But with all the cold, with limits on my time, with people pushing into my space, I just didn't feel like I was at all in a good space today.

Though there was no new help or donations I suppose the day was ok. So I try to continue to hang on. And hopefully I can make it to better days.

Day 4219 - 1/19 - Opposite of food

Today my dinner had the opposite effect. I mentioned before how a big fruit thing from the store used to fill me up for the day. But more and more it feels less like food. At this point, when I had a small one for dinner, it just felt like it had the opposite effect. It felt like each piece of fruit was removing that much food from me. I don't know how to explain it, and it doesn't make sense to me. I've never had a food that made me feel significantly hungrier. I guess I have to stop eating it as a meal until my diet is re-balanced.

I guess the day was ok other than that. I didn't have too much trouble finishing the assignments that were due. They weren't great, and it's really the start of other future projects, so it will come back around, but they are done for the moment.

There were no donations or help today, but I suppose I was warm enough. I had an ok connection, and so I try to continue to hang on. And hopefully I'll make it to better days.

Day 4220 - 1/20 - Better than expected / all gray

Today went a bit better than expected. I went to do my very overdue oil change in the morning and it was both super quick and pretty much the exact amount I'd reserved for it. It's kind of funny that the head guy there was like 'it hasn't been that long' when I mentioned it was three years since the last change. It feels like less than one, so I'm glad I'm not the only one who feels like it hasn't been as long as three years. I'd planned to do my typing for the week while there, and I almost got through it all. Not that it mattered, since I had all day to do it.

At the food store I watched part of a stream and played my MMO just for a little bit. The connection wasn't the best. The connection got worse pretty quickly after that and it was too unstable to play my online shooter at all. Which is fine as I was prepared for little to no signal today. So I just hopped into my shooter I have with the game pass. (Which maybe I should focus a bit more on anyways if I want to finish before that runs out in like six weeks.)

The day outside was constantly a light gray and cold. I left the food store in the late afternoon and discovered it was actually warmer in the car than it was inside the food store, which seems dumb. There was a constant flow of people and my ears are ringing from the noise, but it didn't seem to bother me as much as I thought it would.

The person who maybe was getting me a shirt said it's on the way, so that seems super nice. There were no other donations or help though, so I try to hang on to what I have left, and hopefully I can make it to better days.

Day 4221 - 1/21 - Extra day off

Today it seems I have an extra day off. Which really isn't as much as it sounds like, as the lecture part of class is only about two hours. I had started my day getting here about 20 minutes early. Since parts were itchy and bugging me I decided to take a super quick shower. When I was done it was a touch later than usual for getting to class. I got to the room when it should have been open, but it was closed, dark, and no one was around. It seems today has been canceled. A few came by. I saw the younger beautiful girl and told her we were canceled as she came down the stairs. I saw someone I know from other classes who's a gamer and we chatted a bit before he left. But now the floor is empty and silent, and I'm pretty much the only one here for the moment.

I do have a pretty important homework for my other class I have to do, so I should probably do that first while things are quiet and calm. But I'm settled and warm, though it was pouring earlier so it may still rain later. But hopefully today will be calm and I can do all the things then have fun. And hopefully I can hang on until better days.

Week 604

Day 4222 - 1/22 - Weird mouse day

Today was a weird mouse day. For a period of time it wasn't normal in games and outside of the game the pointer kept changing to some kind of auto scroller. The right button has been weird for about a week, so it's possible one or both buttons are getting seriously stuck (at the electronic level.) I went to the ex-garage and grabbed an old wireless one I used before this current one. If I recall, the only issue I had with it was it wanted to be charged every day, and charged slowly. So I was effectively keeping it plugged in nearly all the time. Normally that's not an issue, but it has a receiver that has to be plugged in, so that means it uses two ports instead of one. Even if your laptop has the available ports that's a pain. But I can put that in the car and keep it in the trunk in case the regular one dies all of a sudden. I also have a tiny one that is super little and cute, but it's a lower resolution and only has the two main buttons. But it's an option if things are desperate, assuming it still works, as it's probably nearly 10 years old.

Class this morning was meh. We spent half the class talking about super basic stuff. Important to people new to design, but all stuff I knew already. So I basically zoned out and played a game while lecture was happening. It's second half we again very slowly and painfully went over pretty much everyone's homework. On the one hand I get that critiques help students get more ideas. But on the other hand I think probably 75% of the class just didn't care and doesn't pay attention. So I'm just not sure if they are a great use of the time.

I did try to rest and relax the rest of the day. I was again super depressed, so I didn't play as much as normal. I did an extra side thing for a while which was a nice distraction. And I watched some extra shows. I did get some super good news that a free game I'm looking forward to is giving access to people who signed up early a day sooner, so I get to play that starting tomorrow afternoon. So that should be fun.

I guess the day wasn't super terrible, yet there were still aspects of it I'd have preferred gone differently. I'm still sniffly, sneezy, and my ears are ringing pretty badly. But I made it through the day. And sometimes that has to be enough.

Day 4223 - 1/23 - Maybe able to avoid the broken

Today I did some more tests with my maybe broken mouse. It was doing ok until I tabbed out to a web page. It almost immediately started doing that stupid double arrow with dots auto scrolling locked mode. I considered what I had been playing and thought about the buttons. Since that's a feature enabled by double touching on mouse pads I wondered if that was maybe an unused button toggling it. I thought maybe it was 'middle scroll wheel button'. Since that's an enormous pain to use, and I never use it, I fully disabled it in the mouse preferences. That seems to have maybe solved the issue. So maybe it's not the right, or the left, but the 'middle' mouse button that is having issues with misfiring.

I have charged and checked the mouse I'd use as a replacement. And I'll keep it in the car at least through the weekend. If there really aren't more issues during the weekend I'll consider it 'fixed', or more accurately avoidable, and put the other mouse back into storage until the problem gets worse. They are different enough I'd prefer not to switch. I did send a notice to support, but it seems extremely unlikely they'd replace it since it's more than 5 years old, and from what I can tell it has 3 years of coverage.

I did get into my new card game. It's pretty fun, though as with all CCGs I don't know if I'll enjoy it once I start getting into matches with people. I'm doing training with the A.I. now, so I'm still learning. Hopefully I won't get repeatedly beat by people, but only time will tell.

I did want to play more though instead of leaving and hiding for the night. It was a sad reminder that the next 4-5 hours would be lost hiding, as it is pretty much every night. Time I could otherwise spend playing, watching shows, or working on homework. If it wasn't lost time that order of things would likely be reversed. I'm so constantly stressed by everything all the time I just feel really depressed. So when I am somewhere I can do stuff it's hard to not to try and relax to relieve the stress. At this point I wouldn't be surprised if someone asked me to rate my stress from 1-10 and I said 6, but in actuality it would really be 26 because I've lived with so much sadness and stress for so long I've completely lost touch with what normal levels are. And it makes me sad potentially losing so much time every day just seems like something to shrug off as part of normal life now.

But I have what I have. And what I can maybe someday have again is in storage, presuming it survives the time. And maybe what is lost can be found again someday. But for the moment all I can do is try to hang on.

Day 4224 - 1/24 - Sudden extreme exhaustion

Today it feels like I'm suffering from sudden extreme exhaustion. It feels like I got no sleep at all last night. I'm just totally wiped out. My ears are ringing like crazy. I'm slightly dizzy. I'm so hungry I feel like I could eat an extra meal and a half (beyond the normal amount I've already eaten today.) I didn't even try to do anything but passive watching stuff or casual playing because I have zero ability to focus.

And it's weird because I know I slept really well last night. At least it felt like I did. Up until about an hour before I normally would get up when I was woken up by what sounded like someone walking or running down a street yelling, "Aaaah. Gah. Oh God, oh God. Aaaaah," cycling over and over. It sounded like someone had been seriously injured and this person was reacting to it, not knowing what to do. But the voice slowly faded away down the street, so I've no clue what was going on.

I wasn't able to think at all today. All the words of the day are echoing and spinning in my head. They may sound clear, but it's like creating a bridge, or tracks, while what's behind me immediately falls apart. I sometimes wonder if there is something wrong with my brain. Some kind of tumor or degradation. My focus and clarity seems to constantly be getting worse. I suppose that is really just a combination of my getting older and this terrible homeless diet I can barely keep any kind of control over.

I suppose the exhaustion and headache could be an indication of a cold. I do suppose that may explain it, especially the sudden extreme exhaustion. I can't really take measurements to check, nor can I really alter my routine with things like extra sleep or better food.

I suppose it wasn't really a bad day. But I feel like it was lost because I didn't get a chance to even try to do homework. Hopefully I'll feel more normal in the morning and can catch up. But all I can do for the moment is try to hang on.

Day 4225 - 1/25 - Slightly clearer

Today my brain feels slightly clearer. I had fun with my new game in the morning and played about three times as long as I'd planned before hopping off to have lunch and do homework. I pounded through my homework pretty quickly in about 1.5 hours. I think I was pretty creative too. Though I wasn't able to finish because part needs to be done in the software that I don't have access to outside of school. I guess that's my bad for skimming the directions and seeing "some may do it by hand" and not really noticing a later step said a certain part had to be in the program. I guess I can try to do that before class on Monday, but I'll only have about two hours to try. It shouldn't take more than one though.

So I guess today was pretty good. I had a super fun time with my new free game. I felt creative and like I did well on the homework. Though I'm a little sad at progress being blocked by not having the software, but I guess overall things were ok. There were no donations or help, but with the other positives I managed to hang on.

Day 4226 - 1/26 - Almost a day off

Today was almost a day off. My brain had tried to set aside school since I needed the software I don't have access to. I tried to relax and play my games and watch shows. In a way I succeeded. I had a genuine pretty fun time. But undone things were always at the back of my mind. My brain kept wanting to do stuff it couldn't.

I guess for a day mostly off it was pretty good. My brain tried to reconcile setting things aside and tried to have fun. Tomorrow I'll have to crunch and do unusual things since the thing is due just past noon and I'll only have a few hours with the software.

But I guess today was ok. I'm still sneezing now and then and have headaches, eye pain, and ringing ears, so I must still have a cold. But I am trying my best to hang on.

Day 4227 - 1/27 - Sudden migraine and exhaustion, again

Today started out ok. I felt rested enough, and played just a bit before using the lab. Then when the lab was open I pounded out my homework in an hour. It wasn't great, but it was as good as it needed to be, maybe a bit better.

I had lunch after, and rather suddenly after lunch, maybe within 30 minutes I again started to crash hard. And within the next 30 minutes I had a pretty bad migraine and my energy started to crash. Now, in the late evening my ears are ringing pretty badly, and the headache persists, pushing out to my ears, crushing my spinal column, and pushing on my eyes. And while my energy is slowly returning, for about four hours I felt like I was just going to pass out.

I guess it's ok. An assignment I have due Thursday can probably be completed tomorrow. Apparently it's 100% lab time, so that's three hours I'd have to do something that hopefully will take maybe half that time. The assignment only needs to be in a partly done state, so I should be able to mostly finish.

I did try and play and relax a bit today, and I guess I did. Though the sudden migraine and energy crash killed half of my day for me. But I have what I have, and so I have to try to make the best of it. And so I try to make it through to better days.

Day 4228 - 1/28 - No sign of frost

Today I have a lab to do an important project. Then there is about a week to casually work on all projects. It will be a nice change from the rushed high pressure dates so far.

I'm still sniffly and sneezy with hurting ears. Hopefully I won't get the migraine and energy crash I've had the past week. I was going to take a multivitamin I have, but I forgot. I'll try to remember to do that for about a week to see if it helps.

Class should be starting soon. Then I'll hopefully have the rest of the day to rest and recover from whatever this is. Hopefully just a cold. But with cash on hand running very low, I try to hang on, and hopefully can make it to better days.

Comments and stuff Copyright E. Stryker 2008-2020
Pictures for Epic Fail are taken by me. :)

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