Week 593
Day 4145 - 11/6 - Inside out
Today started with evidence of rain. I heard nothing last night though. And by the time I got to school I didn't see any other cars or areas on the ground that indicated rain. It may have just been an extremely heavy mist.
There was something pretty funny today. At one point I was going to the bathroom and looked down at the brand name text on my underwear and noticed it was wrong. I had my underwear on inside out. hehe I thought about taking off my boots and pants to fix it, but it occurred to me it really didn't matter. It's only something to be embarrassed about if people notice, which they wouldn't. And since the day was nearly over I didn't see much point in doing it as opposed to just waiting until I took them off at night.
There really wasn't much else today worth talking about. I had an ok time in class. I played my MMO quite a bit. And I watched a few shows. But there was no help or donations, so I'm still extremely worried about everything. 
But all I can do is try to hang on.
Day 4146 - 11/7 - Fake rain
Today it was fake raining. Again the car had moisture like it had rained last night, and too when leaving in the evening. But it didn't actually rain. It was just heavily foggy. Maybe it will genuinely rain soon, but so far it seems like fake raining.
I guess today was ok. Class went decent enough. My connection was ok, but not great, so I soloed in my MMO. With as weird as it's been lately I again wonder if some of the issues with the connection are my system. I wouldn't want to risk fixing it by spending $40-50 for a new WiFi card though, as it can't take an upgrade. It would have to be the same one, which is 5-7 year old technology. Newer is way faster, but the CPU can't talk to anything newer.
But as always, today was what it was. I didn't really have control over anything. So I continue to hope help and donations come. And hopefully I can hang on until it does.
Day 4147 - 11/8 - Just the same
Today was pretty much just a regular Friday. I watched my big show I used to watch Thursday nights. I played games for a bit, mostly solo because the connection wasn't the best.
I was actually a touch too warm at times, as I have full winter layers on. But I guess I'd rather be too warm than too cold any day. I'm still a bit sneezy and a touch dizzy. So maybe I'm still a bit sick.
I still have no money for car insurance, or the big internet bill coming up, and I'm still very worried I'll have to drain what little is in savings for those big bill things to pay the car insurance. But all I can do is try to hang on and hope help and donations come and I can pay the bills and be ok.
Day 4148 - 11/9 - Greatly improved
Today the library connection was greatly improved. It showed a slightly different login screen. It may or may not have been the same service, but the buttons were shaped differently, were different colors, and had a different font. Right after logging in I checked the speed and it rated at 45 MBPS, which is about the fastest I've seen the library on no load. During the bulk of the day it still held around 10-20 MBPS, whereas before during those peak times it'd hit 0-5 during those times. I'll know more tomorrow after a second day, but all day it didn't have one hiccup, and it was smooth and stable throughout. I played for just about 4 hours with no issues. After, I did a couple of hours of homework, and it seemed just as strong.
So I guess that is one strong confirmation my laptop is ok. Last weekend, and several before, I couldn't even connect just one hour after the library opening. Now, after whatever change they made, it was strong, stable, and fast all day. Plenty of bandwidth to play whatever game I wanted or watch any show without interruption.
So I guess today was pretty good. I played about 3x as much as I thought I'd get online. I did three of four homeworks I have this weekend. And while they haven't turned on the heat yet, it wasn't completely freezing at the library.
Though there were no donations or help so I am still greatly worried. But I try my best to continue to hang on.
Day 4149 - 11/10 - Maybe getting better
Today I am maybe getting a bit better. Again the library was strong and stable all day. Having my window be a single window to do whatever I want, be that games, shows, homework, is a huge relief. You have no idea how much stress you get when you have to worry about multiple windows to do this or that and are forced in what you can do during those times. After two days being like the old days where I didn't have to worry about things, I feel like maybe I'm starting to feel a bit better.
Though I think today I felt pretty lonely and sad, even though there were several times watching my shows and playing my games I smiled and laughed. I constantly wanted things running in the background. Normally I don't do that often as it gives me a headache, especially when I'm running stuff in the background of a game. But I don't know, even though I did have a pretty bad headache all day it seemed important to have something in the background. I don't know why.
I guess today was good. I laughed a few times. I did the remaining homework. I had plenty of time to play and accomplish some important MMO things. So overall it was good, but it was still lonely feeling. I still felt isolated and lost. And again there were no donations or help, so if even just a little, I worried about bills. But I try my best to continue to hang on.
Day 4150 - 11/11 - Weirdness
Today there was a lot of weirdness during my stay at the food store. In the late morning there were about four police cars in the parking lot. For about two hours they were investigating some white Mercedes. I guess it had no plates and the dash VIN was removed, and there was a dealership sign in the window. They likely suspected it was stolen as I saw them finger printing and investigating for about two hours.
Then in the mid-afternoon some lady who was nearing 60 apparently slipped and fell and was lying motionless for about 10 minutes until EMTs came and got her up again.
So, quite a lot of weirdness on a day I otherwise expected none. But the connection at the food store was... bearable. It was enough to solo in my MMO, but I didn't trust it for group activities. And it ran buffering video ok. I watched a bit of a stream, but it lost about 10-15% due to lagging or disconnecting. I was warm enough, though my legs were a bit chilly, and I never took off my hoody. But I guess the day passed surprisingly quickly, and it went well enough. Better than I actually expected, as I expected the signal to be dead and unusable half the day.
But I had pretty bad food, so my tummy is fairly upset. There was constant noise and movement around me. And with no donations or help I was often thinking about bills, and worrying we are nearing 15 days past due on the car insurance, 15 days to the next being due, nearly when I should sign up for next quarter's classes, and I may be forced to spend what little I have saved for important bills on these day-to-day car insurance payments.
Day 4151 - 11/12 - Early and late
Today I am both early and late. I got up about 20 minutes earlier than I expected. I knew I'd have to get up extra early for the big shower I normally do Monday. But when I took it, it took more than double my short shower time, so now it's almost time for class.
I don't know what the day will hold for me, but I am quickly settling. It's very warm on the floor for some reason. I have just my T-shirt on at the moment, though I expect the under and outer layers will be put back on soon. I can tell my body is way more relaxed than it has been recently what with all the extra stress yesterday and cold and extreme closeness to others over the weekend at the library.
Hopefully today will go ok. I am still extremely concerned about bills and my future since very important things aren't paid yet, but hopefully help and donations will come soon and I can take care of them in time. Until then all I can do is try to continue to hang on to hope.
Week 594
Day 4152 - 11/13 - Probably too much chocolate
Today I think I had too much chocolate. I got some fancy cookies that I haven't eaten in probably 6 months and I had about three at lunch. They are a graham cracker with a slice of dark chocolate on them. For about an hour after I felt my heart racing and I was a bit jittery. It felt like a caffeine overdose. I don't know if it's because I've cut my soda drinking down to sometimes half and so I'm not used to it anymore, but it felt weird. It might also be due to my bad blood pressure.
I guess today was ok. Class was kind of boring, but it passed quickly. I just tried to play my game and relax after. I haven't been feeling great physically lately, in addition to all my emotional worries about bills causing me stress. I still feel completely exhausted most of the time, barely able to keep my eyes open. Hopefully I can recover some during the holiday break, but it's probably more emotional distress due to bill worry and stress than it is physical exhaustion.
I guess I had an ok time playing though. I am still extremely worried about bills. I am still not feeling great physically. But all I can do is try to continue to hang on.
Day 4153 - 11/14 - Missing day
Today seems to have missed an entry. As I was typing this week's fail in Sunday night, I noticed things were off by a day. I don't recall what happened this day. I know I had class. I know I had an ok time with playing and relaxing after class, though I peeked at some homework due. But I don't recall the evening, or why I may have missed the entry. It's possible I was starting to feel sad and lonely and simply forgot. Or it's possible I did work on the podcast and forgot because I was editing and that took priority.
Day 4154 - 11/15 - Feeling lonely again
Today I again felt pretty lonely, sleep deprived, and hopeless. I watched one show through the morning, then played for a few hours. But I just focused on my laptop. I rarely looked up at all and I didn't really talk to anyone, not that there was really anyone around to talk to. I tried to do stuff in the game with people, but noone joined me, so I just soloed.
I guess it was an ok day. It could have been much worse. But I felt very bad and sad. About everything. About me. About my seeming lack of a future. And I feel very heartbroken.
Day 4155 - 11/16 - Maybe not improved
Today the connection seemed to go pretty bad in the early afternoon. I did get to play more than I did back in the day, but it wasn't anywhere near as stable or solid as last weekend. Sadly I think it was a fluke.
I guess today was ok even though I didn't get to play as much as I'd have liked. It was a bit warmer in the day, so I didn't have to put my hoodie on until early evening. But there were no donations or help, so I am still extremely worried about how I'll pay for insurance or more important things like the web space bill at the end of the year. But I try to hang on and hopefully help will come in time.
Day 4156 - 11/17 - A bit better
Today the connection was a bit better (than yesterday). Not completely great like it was last weekend, but almost all day I had a useable connection. It was a bit wobbly in the middle, so I didn't go out of my way to do group things in game, but it was fine.
There was a bit of weirdness with a guildie on the forums though. People were talking about roles and doing dps and I mentioned this, that, and 'oh hey by the way I have a theory your system specs and connection speed may limit your ability to dps, as I seem limited by my old laptop and public wireless speeds, though I can't confirm it.' And this one person went nuts saying I was "being extremely insulting" and I needed to "slum it" sometime to get perspective. And I was like, 'uhhhh... slum it more than using a five-year-old laptop and public connections that average 5 mbps, with highs of around 15 mbps, compared to way more powerful systems and home connections that average 50 mbps?' I don't know what set her off about my theory, but I basically just chocked it up to her not really understanding how the technology works. It seemed really hurtful for her to tell a person with very limited gaming tech, who has been homeless for years, to "slum it" to gain perspective. But she didn't know. So I'll just chock it up to not knowing, not inform her of why she's way off, and forget about it.
It was super nice that someone sent me a PM shortly after simply asking they'd seen the chat and wondered if I was ok. I was still a bit hurt at the time so told them I'd be ok eventually, and I don't blame the person. But I explained a bit of my sad life to them and why things made me sad.
I did an important homework today, so that was good. I don't know if I did a great job, as I'm not entirely sure what the professor expects (though I made sure to do all the things on the grading sheet), so I just did a character write up like I would for a game since the assignment is to create 'persona profiles'. I made them kind of silly, but they could easily be real people.
I guess today was ok overall. There were a few rough parts with the connection, but I played probably between 4-5 hours, did the homework, and watched a show. There were no donations or help, so I'm still extremely worried about the overdue car insurance, the next rapidly approaching, the web space bill, and the next school quarter, which I really should be signing up for already. But I'm holding off to figure out what will happen until I see if dad sends anything for Thanksgiving. I may not need to lose as much from savings if he sends cash that I can use to catch up.
But, as always, it seems all I can do is try to let go of what I can't control. Try to remember and enjoy what I do have that's good. And try to hang on until help comes.
Day 4157 - 11/18 - Warmer
Today it was a bit warmer, especially for November. I guess there is another warm front or something, as it's been a touch warmer for about a week now.
I guess today was ok. I played my game quite a bit and I watched a stream for a while. There was almost noone around in game though. Normally there are 2-3 times as many on. It seemed odd. So guild chat was very quiet all day, and I just soloed stuff. I had a pretty bad headache and was extremely tired all day, so it's probably for the best that I soloed. So that feels pretty sad.
There were no donations or help, so that is still very sad and worrisome. But all I can do is try to hang on and hope help comes in time.
Day 4158 - 11/19 - A little rushed
Today I'm in a bit of a rush. I had to adjust something that I'm presenting in class, and now it's less than 20 minutes until class start. (Though oddly I'm the only one here.)
I'm super sniffly today. My lips are chapped. I guess from being outside so much, though it's not colder than normal yet. It's in fact still warmer than normal for this time of year. Hopefully I can do a mix of relaxing and working on a big project that's due Friday after class and the rest of the day will be good.
No donations or help yet, so I am still extremely worried. But all I can do is try to hang on.
