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Epic Fail: The Journal of a Homeless Gamer
Book 12: Unknown Beyond

This is my journal I wrote during the time I was homeless. It is broken up by week for easier reading. Feel free to read it on the web or download the complete .pdf version and print it for reading offline.

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View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 12 .pdf paperback book
These include the Table of Contents, Glossary and links, all weeks, all pictures, and index.

Week 625

Day 4369 (V:93) - 6/17 - Puffy eyes

Today I am pretty sad about, well, everything. But I suppose most of all me... physically. These homeless times have taken such a toll on my physical health, and yesterday I noticed below my eyes my skin is super puffy. It kind of looks like someone put their knuckle out and booped me just under the eyes. Added to my radiation fallout half shaved look, extremely bad teeth if people see the top ones, and overall poor health, I feel very bad and sad for me. For not having basic support, well, pretty much all my life.

I guess at least I feel ok about my remaining final project. I have a week to do it and have been worried it would be too much to do. While I do have a lot, I spent about an hour drawing it out and making a plan. It doesn't seem so bad after planning it out. There is some design work I have to do that may take a while. Like a big one is a logo I expect will take an hour to do (so basically a night's window). But most of it is seemingly quick text placement design. Honestly text I can write on my tablet and mail to myself if I have to. And I can spend as many as possibly three hours with my laptop a night if I had to. But I think the normal 1-2 I get should be enough.

There is no new news of any positive change coming though, so that seems very sad. It's also getting hot again. I passed out for 30-45 minutes in my car from exhaustion and too much heat. But I guess the day passed ok, and I feel in a better position to do the assignment than I expected, so that is something. But, as always, it seems all I can do is continue to try to hang on as best as I can.

Day 4370 (V:94) - 6/18 - Feels like burning

Today it was way too hot. Thankfully not so hot that I was sweating all the time, but much of the day it was hot to the point that even in indirect sunlight my browned parts - the back of my neck, outer sides of my arms, and tops of my shins - all felt like they were burning from the heat.

I spent about an hour or so doing all of the more complex and detailed parts of the writing for the big final. So, I can email that to myself later and then put it on my laptop and just drop that in. Hopefully that will help reduce the time needed for doing stuff on the laptop and I can get through the rest quickly.

Nothing else new today. I still feel extremely sad about everything. It still feels more and more like these terrible times will be my end, especially with the school closure continuing on for an additional 4.5 months causing extremely limited food choice and no showers. All I can do is try to adjust the extremely few things I can. And hopefully I can continue to hang on physically and emotionally until better days.

Day 4371 (V:95) - 6/19 - Indirectly tan

Today I took off my boots and socks. I need to try to do that more often if I can, as this extra heat and walking has made things stinky. Somehow, even more than my arms, my shins have become very incredibly tan. I don't get how the indirect light is making my parts so tan. I guess maybe reflections, or possibly the effect of burning even through the shade.

I found a new possible laptop. It's between the entry level systems and the high end ones. It has a vastly better monitor than the entry level ones, and doesn't have a problem with heat. It's battery life isn't great, but unlike most laptops it's a bit old school in that it has a battery you can swap, so if I really wanted to I could get a second one and recharge them both overnight. (Though that likely is prohibitively expensive. Laptop batteries usually aren't cheap.) It's a few hundred out of my price range though, So I'd need more help or the second stimulus to get it. But it's a very solid option for something without the entry level systems limitations for only about $250 more.

Today was hot again. By about 9:30 I was almost sweating. Thankfully around noon a small constant breeze came in and it cooled just a little.

My brain wandered today. I thought about my job and hobby things I've never had the opportunity for in my life. I wonder how much lost potential there has been due to lack of money to try, or lack of support and opportunity. Hopefully someday I'll be in a position to offer these things to others, like me, who are invisible, less fortunate, left by the wayside, and can help pick them up, so they can try the things they want and find their way to happier days.

As always today I couldnt do much but try to hang on. And so I do. And hopefully I can continue to hang on.

Indirect uneven tanning.

Day 4372 (V:96) - 6/20 - Unexpectedly cool

Today it was cooler than I expected. Having seen the weather prediction it showed it would be in the 80s, even in the 90s in a couple of days. Today there was little to no evidence in the trees, but there was a decent breeze keeping things cool in the shade. It was still warmer than I'd have liked being forced to be out in it all day, but I have no choice.

I feel... better today. Maybe a touch hopeful, as if something has changed or gotten better and I'm just not aware of it yet. Hopefully that's true. But it seems more likely the feeling will simply fade in time and I will be back to my lingering depression and hopeless feelings.

Nothing changed that I knew of today. So I continue to try to hang on as best as I can.

Day 4373 (V:97) - 6/21 - Hot, cold, balanced

Today started very hot. I passed out from heat and exhaustion by 10:30 AM for about an hour. I got out of the hot car and went into the shade on the bench for a couple of hours. When I went back the shade from the tree was covering most of my car, and the breeze had returned, so I was a lot cooler.

I guess I feel a bit more balanced today. I'm still very sad about everything, but I guess there are more things I can accept and set aside today. Both classes are at the final, so I have that to work on when I get to my laptop. But there isn't anything I can do without, so mentally I can just set that aside.

Today again feels like yet another day in an endless series. Three times I thought we were near a point that the library would reopen and I would be back to a 'normal homeless life'. But now with cases increasing and no end in sight I expect I've got another two months before any possible end. And that far off is effectively forever.

But I guess today I feel more balanced, accepting what my life is. Stopped, unable to change. With no chance for change with my limitations and what the world is. No matter what my mind thinks of that I might like to try to do should I have a normal life, there is no opportunity. So my life remains what it is. And I suppose as long as it's not less, that's something. So I try to continue to hang on as best as I can.

Day 4374 (V:98) - 6/22 - Hungry day

Today I'm pretty hungry. I guess it's because I've been getting hungry for a week or two. I guess that's good, as that possibly means after nearly 100 days my appetite may finally be returning to normal. However, it's kind of bad because of how extremely limited my food choice is, especially now with this extra heat. Basically everything I can really eat qualifies as junk. So, more junk, be it a bit more lunchmeat, cereal, chips, whatever, really doesn't feel like it would help. I'd consider fruit. I did actually feel like getting a small grape and cheese single serving cup today. But at $4 that is way too expensive. That by itself is nearly my entire food budget in a day.

Getting extra food when I could microwave isn't anywhere near as much. An extra cheap spaghetti is $1, or cheap noodles are like $0.50, or some red potatoes are $1. Since I can't micro extra food things are far more difficult. If my hunger continues I won't have much choice but to come up with something in a couple of days. I'll have to catch up.

That's really it for today. I grabbed some stuff that will hopefully allow me to finish the final. Though that may have to wait until tomorrow depending on how quickly I can type things in tonight. Typing this may take all my laptop time tonight. It was extremely hot. It had been cooling off so I switched to pants, but I guess I need to go back to shorts. I suppose though it really doesn't matter.

Things still seem extremely sad. And with no word on a second stimulus and everything being so bad for everyone help seems unlikely, so my finances seem extra bleak. As always things are out of my control, and all I can do is try to hang on to what I have, and hope opportunity and help come in time. And hopefully I can continue on until they do.

Day 4375 (V:99) - 6/23 - Finals week

Today is the start of finals week. It seems crazy. I barely remember the classes passing by. I guess that's in great part due to them being only 6 hours of my week, and access to my laptop to do stuff like assignments being a similar 6 hours per week, out of a potential 112 total hours. Barely 10% of my available time could be spent for that. I hope I did ok. I hope the knowledge is in my brain somewhere, and can be retrieved later when I need it. Maybe the stuff I did in the class that focused on things you need to get jobs will help. Right now all of this terrible life and my limitations have me completely exhausted and hopeless feeling.

In the afternoon I have my 'appointment' to pick up a TV series from the library that I have on hold. It's great to finally drop off a movie I've had for these 100 days, better to get a new series to watch. But I don't know that it feels like much of a step forward. In a normal time I'd just walk downstairs from my seat in the library, grab it, then return to my seat. Now there are designated lanes, special parking spots, a four hour window of being open, they place it in your trunk or on a table for contactless delivery. My life was already terrible from being homeless and this likely won't help me feel any closer to recovery.

But it is what it is. It is one small thing I can have among a number of small things. And it seems all I can do right now is try my best to hang on to what little I have left; physically and emotionally.

Week 626

Day 4376 (V:100) - 6/24 - Turned in assignments

Today there isn't really anything different other than I turned in my final (early) and now I am free from worry about assignments for the quarter. There is one discussion I need to do based on what was turned in, but as of a couple hours ago I was the only one who turned it in, so there weren't others to comment on. I guess that isn't really surprising as technically they aren't due until tomorrow by midnight.

There was news of a solid lead on another manufacturers' new laptop. It's actually an update to one I've had my eye on for more than a year. Since I never had money, I never had a chance to upgrade to it. And now with new things coming out, its current price was not balanced to its old specs. Early word is the base new model will be $1200, which is very fair. But it won't come out until possibly September, so it could be a ways off.

I had some crumbs for the birds today. They didn't see them at first, but after a while they saw and three showed up and they happily ate the crumbs. I hope they are ok. There basically aren't any bird sounds these days, and people's normal routine for eating have been thrown off for months now.

I still need to rush to rush to finish some stuff with the software before I lose access to it. I don't know how quickly it will block my access once school is done for the quarter. If I have it another week I should have time to finish some stuff I've been wanting to do for a long time. I guess we'll see.

Oh, I did go to the library for a pickup yesterday. It was weird to be outside with it closed. Especially since I passed by a restaurant which had a big sign saying their dining room was open and to call for reservations. With no official word from the library I am still expecting it could be two months until they open.

But really nothing has changed today. Tiny baby steps forward through time, so things do change, but nothing real. Nothing of note that will improve my life. So I try to continue to hang on to what little I have. And hopefully I can make it to better days.

Day 4377 (V:101) - 6/25 - Fast day

Today actually passed very quickly. It's time to do the writing for today and 'have dinner', but it only feels like it's around noon. The day started off very sad though. I had a dream about the last kitty I had who passed from old age just a bit before I'd become homeless. In the dream I had traveled back in time and location to a time he was alive and an adult kitty, so he was at his biggest and fluffiest. I hugged him tight and he purred and I cried and cried because I miss him. It made me so sad and stressed my brain pushed me out of the dream to fully wake me up.

The morning there was a stream I watched about a new game I'm looking forward to. It was super exciting to see news about it, but also pretty sad. There is no way my current laptop would be able to run it. I wouldn't be surprised if it were one it refused to even load. And later in the afternoon there was kind of more bad news about the entry level systems I've been watching. So I really hope I get good news about a second stimulus soon so I can pick a good base model mid range system. Or, if I can get confirmation soon enough I may be able to find a model that is getting pushed out for a cheap enough price that I could afford it with the money I have. It's still really just an extremely stressful waiting game.

I guess that's really it for my day. I think the day passed quickly because I'm reaching a new balance without classes in my 'this is it until my end of days' outlook on things. This is what I have. Today. Right now. What items are left in my life. And it seems that won't change. It will just remain. At least I hope it does. I hope things don't get worse. And I try to hang on to hope more stimulus money or donations will come to pay some bills, and upgrade my laptop to something I can hopefully try to find some 'remote work' on, as well as play new games I'd like to get. Trying to remain hopeful seems like one of the only things I can try to control these days.

Day 4378 (V:102) - 6/26 - One ear

Today felt a bit sad and slow. I'm very tired. I'm feeling extra exhausted lately. My body is really taking a pounding from being out in the weather, noise, and constant motion (not just with my moving around, but in terms of constant motion around me.)

I don't know if I mentioned my ear buds, but I'm running out of options. I had been using a very cheap $5 pair lately, but it died after less than 100 hours of use. I went back to an older pair I'd been using until recently. They were wobbling between both ears and just one, which is why I got the cheap set. But now it's almost completely failing. I have yet another pair that was similarly suffering. I do still have my very nice wireless ones I got as a gift, but the issue with those is they only last about 6 hours, which is less than half the day I listen to things. It seems soon they may be my only option left. I don't mind suffering through listening to things I've heard before with just one ear, and I'd worry with spending 12-16 hours a day listening to little ear buds I'd just burn out a new pair quickly again, but for watching shows or listening to new things I will use my nice wireless ones.

I am still trying very hard to hang on to everything I have for a new laptop. That would be critical for my future 'remote work', and is very needed for any new games. I think at this point I'm still right around $1k saved, but the mid range systems I'm hoping to get are closer to $1500.

It was pretty hot today. I felt pretty exhausted. Most of the day I could only listen to things in the one ear. It feels like nothing will ever get better, only worse, especially with all the virus chaos going on. But I try my best to stay hopeful and hang on.

Day 4379 (V:103) - 6/27 - Wiggly bunny ear

Today I suppose there is a little good news. Last night I got a pretty big donation, which helps a lot. I also got the software - while I still have the license from school - to do a different form of my animated bunny for my website. Early this year web browsers stopped supporting the web code that made the ear wiggle. I had been trying to figure out what to do about that, and what web site updates I wanted to make, then all of the bad stuff happened. But last night after I got the software I did it in about 45 minutes, so now he's a happy bunny everyone can see again. (At least on the pages I update. I won't go back too far in time.)

In the early afternoon and late morning I got the possible information I need to update the site. It's been getting more and more behind. Normally I do an update every 3-4 months, and around bunny day is when I normally would have done it. But again, all the bad stuff happened, and with school lately I haven't had time or availability of power to try. There are still a couple of other things I need to probably do first, but that should be ready to go soon.

There isn't really anything new today. It was super hot, so it was pretty rough. But in the mid afternoon the wind picked up quite a bit. Hopefully in the evening and following days things will cool off.

As usual it seems today is about managing to make it through, and hoping for change while I try my best to hang on.

Day 4380 (V:104) - 6/28 - Sad start, cooling

Today had a sad start. I slept well, so when I had to get up, get moving, and start yet another homeless day and a seemingly hopeless life, I didn't want to leave the dream space where I felt safe and normal. All I wanted to do was go home. But I can't.

Thankfully my very sad feelings didn't last long, and by noon I was back to my regular amounts of sad. The day to that point was pretty hot, but then a breeze started to pick up, and started to get chilly in the shade. I may go back to regular pants tomorrow. Hopefully it will stay cooler. It is far more difficult to survive when it gets super hot. At least if it says cool I will just become emotionally exhausted, which is far easier to recover from than both physically and emotionally exhausted.

In the late afternoon I noticed the laptop I talked about a few days ago showed up on the online shopping site. It is indeed $1200 and has even better specs than the review mentioned. I am still hoping for more stimulus, as there is one that's supposed to be $1500 that has even better specs than that. Doing a quick search there is supposedly a 'July deadline' for deciding if there will be one and it's details, so we should know Monday or Tuesday on if one is coming. At that point I should have more info to decide if I should jump on this new one, or if I will have the money to wait for better. I do hope I have enough. It will be extremely close I think, and if there is anything like tax I'll be short for sure. I guess I'll know in a couple of days.

I suppose I continue to try to hang on. And hopefully more help and opportunity come. And hopefully we can all hang on and make it to better days.

Day 4381 (V:105) - 6/29 - Feeling helpless and trapped

Today is pretty sad. I again had pretty good sleep, so again felt like I woke up to freshly being homeless. The day was warmer than expected, so that was rough. I watched the streamer I watch for just a bit, and did a bunch of research for updating my site. But with no new show posted I was basically done with my day by late morning with little to nothing to look forward to.

It's nearing the end of the business day on the east coast, so it seems no news of a second stimulus will come. Added to my sad feelings in the morning, concern about extreme limitations for work prospects, and recent returning fear of the virus, I am feeling pretty helpless to save myself and very trapped in terms of visible paths out. But I can't let myself panic too much, become too sad, or dwell on my limitations. I would just spiral out of control and uncontrollably cry or throw up, and otherwise be much worse than I am. Lately I already feel so stressed from everything I feel like throwing up in the morning.

So I try to hang on. I try to be patient. I try to watch for opportunities, increase what few chances I have, and hope I have enough money to continue on. And hopefully I can stay rested enough physically, and calm enough emotionally, to make it through to better days.

Day 4382 (V:106) - 6/30 - No class, end of the fail year

Today is the first Tuesday and week without class for the rest of summer. Though it really won't at all feel like summer to me since it's possible it could be months before my life is back to anything close to homeless normal.

I don't know what the day will bring. I will probably watch the streamer I watch for an hour or so in the morning. I have my card game I can play about an hour during various times through the day. Maybe there will be some game or hardware news to watch. But really I expect the day will just be waiting.

I always hope each day brings good news. I hope I can continue to hang on. But it seems with each fail year end all I have tried during the year has led to nothing, and I continue to lose hope. But maybe this next year things will change. Maybe this next time something I did will help. Maybe this next time opportunity will come. As always, it seems all I can do is continue to keep trying, try my best to stay hopeful, and keep hoping someday I can have a real life again.

Comments and stuff Copyright E. Stryker 2008-2020
Pictures for Epic Fail are taken by me. :)

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