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Epic Fail: The Journal of a Homeless Gamer
Book 12: Unknown Beyond

This is my journal I wrote during the time I was homeless. It is broken up by week for easier reading. Feel free to read it on the web or download the complete .pdf version and print it for reading offline.

View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 1 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 2 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 3 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 4 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 5 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 6 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 7 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 8 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 9 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 10 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 11 .pdf paperback book
View/Download the Complete Epic Fail Book 12 .pdf paperback book
These include the Table of Contents, Glossary and links, all weeks, all pictures, and index.

Week 591

Day 4131 - 10/23 - Warm shorts weather

Today was super warm. I'm very tempted to wear shorts the next couple of days, but I won't because they were washed and I don't want to dirty them again.

I tried to help the friendly professor troubleshoot something. Our only guess was that it was a firewall issue since they redid the network in the room right before the quarter started. He asked if I was on work study, which I presumed was to ask me if I wanted to be a (paid) TA for him. I'd love to as he's the one I've been friendly with for a few years and he teaches stuff I sort of did in my previous 'career'. Sadly according to the school requirements I can't. I'd be disqualified on three of the like six requirements. I have too many credits, have a degree, and am not taking 12 units or more (full time classes). Which I don't get the last one because that's four classes (or more) a week, which is like 24 hours of in-class class time. How would someone with that many classes have time for working during school hours? I told him if I weren't disqualified for those reasons I'd love to do that. I don't think there's any way around that though.

I guess I had fun in my games and watching my shows. I did feel a bit better than I have been lately. Though that could be for a number of reasons. Though my cold is maybe a bit worse. I'm still super sniffly and sneezing every 30 minutes. I'm still very worried about bills, but can't do anything but try to hang on. And hopefully I can make it to better days.

Day 4132 - 10/24 - Ups and downs

Today I had a lot of ups and downs. The day started pretty good in class. I interacted with people and felt a little bit appreciated. And even a little bit a part of the group. I even made a beautiful girl smile and laugh at something I did that was silly.

After class I discovered that my game friend sent me a very nice gift in my MMO. She sent me a super cute kitty pet who has a witches hat, which is spooky Halloween fun, and the expansion I mentioned I didn't have money for. So that was a super nice surprise.

But for some reason my connection was being unusually bad. In the 15 minutes or so I was on my MMO it had locked up from lag about four times, once getting me stuck for several minutes before disconnecting. That kind of connection kills any happy play I could do as it interrupts quest dialogue, or causes me to repeat steps, or drops me during important times, so I decided to wait and play on the weekend.

I wound up helping someone in the guild with a tech thing though. They were having an odd visual effect pop up. It was avoidable, and could be fixed, but 100% repeatable if they did a certain thing. I looked through their dxdiag file and made some suggestions, and they fixed the issue. Yay.

Not too long after, someone came to my area and sat in my view. It was a kid that was overweight, a bit more than me, maybe 225-250 lbs. But I am reminded of how I feel bad about myself when I see people like that. I can't help but wonder if that's how I look to others; balding egg head, fat, tired, slow, unwanted and unpleasing shape. Seeing people like that who make me wonder that makes me sad that changing my physical health is so difficult. I am trying to increase my efforts, but with my homeless life things are extremely tough.

It was a warm day, and warm night, though it's starting to get chilly. I am very very happy with my unexpected early Halloween gift things, but I can't help but worry about gas, car insurance, the yearly web bill, and my physical health. But all I can do is try to hang on until better days.

Day 4133 - 10/25 - New game for $1

Today it was super warm. I regret not having shorts on. But, with the weekend library time coming up I still didn't want to dirty clean shorts for a couple of days use.

Things were different today. Instead of watching a show in the morning I watched a streamer. He was doing a game I've been interested in but can't afford. Apparently it's part of a game subscription service, and that service has a promotion for $1 for the first month. Even after that it's $5 a month for a while, then $10 full price. That's still a really good deal. If you play even just two games a year that more than pays for itself. But, I'm just going to do it the one month and play this new game for $1. There is another game on there too if I have the time. I think I can play in my offline time, which there is a lot of time that isn't used for important offline things right now. So if I can, there's plenty of time for it.

Unfortunately the download required Windows updates that took a few hours, so I didn't really have much time for playing. I had, I think, a couple of hours, then watched a show. I didn't even have time for my MMO stuff, but it was ok. I had fun, and more fun is ready to be had.

But still I worried about all the bills. But I try to hang on. I try to distract myself with happy things. And hopefully I can make it to better days.

Day 4134 - 10/26 - No connection, no homework

Today was kind of wrecked. Immediately when I connected at the library I started having issues and couldn't stay connected. After about 45 minutes trying to struggle through things that shouldnt even have taken half that much time I just gave up.

I played my $1 game pass game for about four hours and struggled through a couple of videos that were less than five minutes each. Even with them being that short they struggled, stopped during playback, and disconnected. I gave up on the connection completely after that. While the game was fun to play, I'm sad I couldn't do homework. I guess this weekend will be an ok loss if all I can do is play offline because I basically have done all I could already (without access to the software.) So I won't really get behind because of it. But it seems like yet another reminder that I'm not in control of my life.

I struggle with worry about the bills. I struggle with worry about my physical health. I struggle with everything feeling like it's out of my control. But I try to continue to hope help comes. And hopefully I can make it to better days.

Day 4135 - 10/27 - Smoke in the hills

Today was kind of sad emotionally. I expected nothing from the connection and that's just about what I got. I had bandwidth to do the most minimal play in my MMO, then watch a bit of a stream, but by 11:30 the connection was dead. I played my new $1 game pass game for a few hours. When I took a break I checked the connection, and nope, still dead. I played a few more hours. Still dead. I entered the Fail for the week, and after, with just about one hour left before closing it was working again.

From the early afternoon on I smelt burning. It wasn't until I left in the evening and saw a hazy smoke layer to the north and east that I remembered hearing about fires in the area. Nothing close. I think the closest big ones were like a three hour drive away, but the air is clouded and smells bad. I hope it's not like before where we had to wear masks for a couple of weeks.

But I guess I had an ok time playing today. I still would have liked to do homework. And I'm still extremely worried about bills. But I can't control what I can't control. So I just try to keep hoping help comes. And hopefully I'll make it to better days.

Day 4136 - 10/28 - Late raid

Today I had a raid. It was kind of fun to do because I hadn't done it in a while, but several people were tired and grumpy, and some hadn't done the raid, so it wound up taking 2.5 hours instead of the 45 minutes to an hour I expected. It was a bit stressful because of my sad life windows, but I guess things turned out ok in the end.

There has been a weirdness the past few nights and I've lost a ton of sleep. Maybe 1/3 of what I should have gotten. Plus added stress for a few hours a night I would have otherwise had a restful time before sleep. So today, fooooo, I just couldn't focus. Hopefully I can tomorrow, as there are some very important assignments I need to work on.

I still worry about bills. I worry about all the things. But I try to stay hopeful help and donations will come. And hopefully I can make it to better days.

Day 4137 - 10/29 - Getting cold

Today it's starting to get very cold. The day of the fire there was a really strong breeze and it seems that swept away the remains of the summer weather. If it gets much colder I'll have to be fully in my winter under layers.

I have a big project that I need to do today (because the connection at the library was out all weekend), so hopefully that won't take too long. Hopefully it will just be a few hours and leave me a bit of time to relax. (I just got word post-writing today is just lab, so that will help greatly.) I'm still hit pretty hard by a cold, and while I slept well last night I'm nowhere near caught up on my regular amount of homeless sleep.

So I continue to worry about bills. I worry about my health. I worry about school projects. But I try to accept what I can't control, and continue to hope help and donations come in time.

Week 592

Day 4138 - 10/30 - Rest and recovery

Today I decided to take a little break and get some rest and recover. I did finish my project yesterday, so that is one of two big ones down. I will probably just power through the other tomorrow. Or if I don't think I'd finish, Monday. It's due Tuesday, so my time with access to the program isn't much, but honestly it should only take 2-3 hours to do a decent enough job to feel ok about it. I've kind of lost a lot of motivation for it, as it's never really felt like I had envisioned it. So it turned from something I thought would be cool, to something that looks fine, and I've accepted it just can't be as cool as it was imagined in my head.

I'm still pretty sneezy and a touch dizzy, either from my cold or lack of sleep. That's why I felt it extra important to try and rest today, and do the big work tomorrow in the lab tomorrow when it's empty. Hopefully that will help me focus.

I guess today was ok. I did have fun in my games and watching my shows, but because of the lack of connection all weekend I'm still behind and rushed feeling about everything.

No donations or help today, so I am still very worried about bills and all the things. But hopefully help will come, and hopefully I can make it to better days.

Day 4139 - 10/31 - Inflated

Today I suppose was good for class stuff due to a forced event. The professor told us when we present on Tuesday we also have to have a print out of the project. Which meant that I only had that class and lab time to both finish and print the project. I guess it's good in that I now don't have to worry about it, but I don't feel very proud of it. On a scale of 1 to 10 I'd say I feel like it's a 6 or 7 of what I can do. But, I guess that's totally my fault. My brain has been spacey and kept thinking I had plenty of time and not using the lab time. And it wasn't until about 1.5 weeks ago my brain realized how late it had gotten. I'm sure it's fine. I've been getting extra credit on stuff, so in terms of points I'm likely more than fine.

There were a lot more cute and beautiful girls around than I remember. It seems odd to not have noticed how many were around on Thursdays. Maybe it's just I've been too sad to really notice. I also saw some pretty hilarious costumes. I guess inflating is the thing this year and I saw a gorilla and some green outfit that I'm not sure what it was since I only saw the back. It was kind of wide and flat? Maybe Frankenstein's monster?

I'll have to hide extra early. It's the highest risk night. But people also ignore everything that's not right in front of them, so I'm sure it'll be fine, and in a few short hours it will be just like any regular night. But there were no help or donations. I was really hoping dad would send money, which he did, but he sent a gift card, so I can't put that towards car insurance like I'd hoped. I guess I have to keep praying help comes for that soon, because if I spend money that's save that will put me even further from paying what it was saved for. All I can do is try to hang on.

Day 4140 - 11/1 - Quite unexpected

Today there were several unexpected things. It started last night with about 30 minutes of crying. I started thinking about the kitties I'd lost, then my being homeless, then the one poor kitty I've talked about before who I kind of made homeless by forcing her to be outside. I hope she forgives me, and though I was barely 20 and very allergic to her, I don't know if I will ever really be able to forgive myself. I hope she found a good home after, but I think I will always regret not just dealing with the allergies and keeping her.

In the morning I heard about a convention that was showing new game stuff. So watching footage of that delayed the start of my day by about five hours. It's ok. I still did my important game stuff, so nothing was really 'lost'. But of the two games I'm interested in it seems like they are more than a year away since they didn't say anything about a release date. They may even be several years off if they are showing them in very early form.

I guess the day was mostly ok though. The connection was a bit off, and someone was saying some super dumb stuff in a chat channel, but I just tried to ignore him.

I was still extremely worried about bills. I'm now officially late for the November car insurance, and unless I use money set aside for next school quarter or the yearly web space bill I have no way to pay it. I could try and hang on until Thanksgiving, hoping dad sends cash then, but he will more than likely just send another gift card. And even if he did send cash, I'd only be caught up for a few days before the next is due.

So though the day was good, I feel very down, worried about my future, and crying over my past.

Day 4141 - 11/2 - Loose and hurting

Today my top left wisdom tooth is loose and hurting. It actually started hurting yesterday. I'm not sure what's going on, but it's at what feels like a 45 degree angle, as if someone punched my cheek and it was knocked to the side. It's always been at an angle as far as I remember, but I don't recall it being this angled.

I guess it would be ok if I lost it. It was crashing into the ones below it most of my life. It's probably why those were lost. The wisdom tooth below it was the one that popped out a few months ago. Maybe it's my body finally naturally removing the wisdom teeth. When I was like 8 the dentist wanted me to remove like four of my new adult teeth to make room because my jaw is small. I guess I should have said yes. They were straightened by bracers during my teen years, but in all the years they've been crashing into each other now they are all mis-aligned on the bottom, pushing up or turned and twisted from years of smashing into the neighbors.

The library connection was pretty bad today, but I guess I expected that so I don't feel too surprised. I had enough bandwidth in the morning to barely do the minimal amount of things in my MMO, so I guess it's ok, but I'd hoped for more.

It's getting pretty cold lately, and I'm hoping I don't get too cold soon, as the sun is now going down. I am still very worried about being nearly out of gas, and being now behind on the car insurance. So I am still very worried about all the things, but all I can do is try to continue to hope help and donations come in time.

Day 4142 - 11/3 - Feeling pretty sick

Today I'm feeling pretty sick. I feel a little bit like I'm going to throw up, but that is likely because of the headache, possible fever, and what I can only think to describe as the cold chilled inside feeling of chills without the shaking. My tummy feels a bit off too, as does my blood pressure. But the weird thing is I don't really have symptoms other than that. No one would suspect I feel this way. I have a very rare sneeze, maybe half a dozen all day, but that's it for observable symptoms.

I barely got to play minimal amounts and watch part of a show. Again by early afternoon the connection was so bad it wasn't even connecting. I'd seriously begin to consider if something was going wrong with my WiFi if it weren't for the fact I connect fine at the food store and I don't really have issues at school.

I'm still very worried about gas and bills, and there still was no help or donations today. So all I can do is continue to try to hang on until help comes. And hopefully I can make it to better days.

Day 4143 - 11/4 - Feeling better

Today I am feeling better. Last night I must have had fever and chills all night because I had crazy dreams. I had dreams of 'melting' through the 'bed'. And a few times I was... repeating? Echoing? It's hard to describe, but if you imagine a video effect of a person copied about 4-5 times, and the echoes are like offset from one another, that's how it felt. But the echoes were still, or extremely slow moving, and more like a 3d picture held in that moment.

I helped someone move some gear they needed to return. She promised lunch and gave me some monies for gas. So nice.

I played my MMO almost all day. There isn't much point in my re-launched shooter as I'm hitting the same stopping points as before. I'm debating if I should just play once a week after the weekly quest resets just to get that one upgrade I can, or just uninstall it again and not care. It's such a huge time sink at this point for almost no gain at all.

But I was extremely tired today, maybe from recovering from the cold. By lunch my symptoms were almost all gone, but what remained was an exhaustion and confusion. I really couldn't focus or understand even the simple sentences people were saying.

The donation helps with gas for a week or two, but I still worry about the bills. And I did have fun today, though I can't focus. All I can do is try to hang on and hope more help and donations come in time.

Day 4144 - 11/5 - Frosted

Today started out super foggy and my car was frosted over. Now, as the morning starts to get brighter it's clearing a bit, but still seems like it will be cold and maybe rain.

I'm sniffling and a bit sneezy, but still better and a touch worse, from my cold. A few symptoms like headache, dizziness, and slight fever still come and go.

I'm still very worried about bills. Donations outside of holidays seem to almost never come anymore. And this year it seems more than ever I need them to keep going. So I try to hang on to hope they will, and try to continue to hang on.

Comments and stuff Copyright E. Stryker 2008-2019
Pictures for Epic Fail are taken by me. :)

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