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Epic Fail: The Journal of a Homeless Gamer
Book 13: Changed World

This is my journal I wrote during the time I was homeless. It is broken up by week for easier reading. Feel free to read it on the web or download the complete .pdf version and print it for reading offline.

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These include the Table of Contents, Glossary and links, all weeks, all pictures, and index.

Year 13

Week 627

Day 4383 (V:107) - 7/1/2020 - More waiting

Today I am disappointed. Apparently the government official who said there was a deadline of the end of last month to decide stimulus was incorrect. Apparently they could still debate it all through July. And half of that time they will not even be in session. So really I guess the only deadline is the 3rd, and after that they are off on break for two weeks. Which, I guess their job is tough, and I get that is how it's always been done, but I would think with everything going on other things would take priority.

I'm very tempted not to wait and order the new system now before something happens like it goes out of stock, or they change their mind and mark up the price due to demand. Once I have a system I can use unplugged, as well as what it can do my current one can't, I could try to make different kinds of content and see if anyone has any interest in that.

But I guess I really should wait. With just $300-500 more my options would open up to a very good mid range to lower high-end options. While the system I'm looking at now is an amazing upgrade, because it is basically the base level of mid-range, there are a few things I really would like if I have the option.

And with everything as terrible as it is I guess I can wait. I am using almost no gas, so the very tiny bit I have beyond the money for that system is enough wiggle room to be ok for maybe a month on gas. And bigger bills, like school in September, car insurance starting back up in October, and the big web bill at the end of the year, all need help from donations to cover, which really isn't different than before.

So for now the systems are all on my wish list. Who knows maybe someone will completely surprise me by getting me one. There is yet another birthday rapidly approaching in about 1.75 months. And if I wait through July that should be ok.

So for the moment nothing has changed. I continue to wait. I hope very much I don't need to pay tax for the laptop if I do get it, as I have almost exactly the amount the system costs. And this year more than ever with everything terrible going on I continue to hope I get help from supporters and friends, because that help has been critical in my continuing on so far.

And hopefully we can all hang on long enough to survive this rapidly changing world.

Day 4384 (V:108) - 7/2 - Itchy nostril

Today I am still hopeful more stimulus money will come, allowing me to have a couple of choices for laptops. The one I can hopefully afford is great, but more would give me a few options for getting a 17.3" screen instead of 15.6", or better graphics, both of which would be very helpful.

I am extra hopeful because there has been recent news that the president is indeed trying to push it through, and he wants to get even more benefits to those in need to further encourage people in spending money to stimulate the economy. I don't know if it will get pushed quickly enough to happen before their two week break, but it's more hope than I had the past few days due to more negative than positive news about the possibility of it happening.

Really the only news for today is my nostril has been very itchy and bothered by hairs. I trimmed it the other day, but I guess that didn't help. It was bugging me enough I grabbed a longer hair and yanked it out hopping that was the one. It was super painful to do, but the pain subsided quickly enough. It's since been about half as itchy.

Today things seem to be cooling off, but it seems solid news about another stimulus isn't coming. So again I try to not be too sad. And I try to hang on until better days.

Day 4385 (V:109) - 7/3 - Weekend visit

Today I got surprising news that the ex-roomie would be out for the weekend so I could be in the ex-garage. It was a pretty good day. I got to play quite a bit. I got caught up on some maintenance type stuff I'd been getting behind on. Tomorrow I'll probably do a bit for my site since research will be easier.

At one point in the day I made an in-game purchase for my game house. I set it up and I was going to start looking at it and such, but I started to feel overwhelmed, and so I left to go back out to do general questing. It's silly because I'm no closer or further from things in game no matter where I am. But something about being in "my home" where I'd arranged all the things, where I remember doing stuff to get those things, just made me overwhelmingly sad that I didn't have a home in real life.

It would have been really nice if I had more to spend on food (not at the food store). Getting an actual cooked medium fast food dinner to celebrate things would have been very nice. And at this point, it's likely very needed. I've been eating basically the same half dozen food items for weeks now due to my limitations and how much my body just can't handle these days.

But today was a nice surprise. A very needed break from overwhelming stress of being homeless, even more so now with the deadly virus. Hopefully it will help buffer my mood for the coming days after the weekend is over.

Day 4386 (V:110) - 7/4 - No alarm

Today I slept with no alarm. I didn't sleep too much extra, maybe just about one more hour than normal. Playing and doing stuff felt very good. I've played a fair bit, did some work for my site, watched a few shows, and even did some job posting checks.

I feel weird though. I expect it's something nutrition based more than anything else, as that is getting to be the worst lately. But I felt kind of like I have an upset tummy, kind of like there's a headache, and kind of like I need to poop. I guess maybe it's similar to a very very low level of food poisoning. But also I feel... I'm not sure, emotionally. I guess just a mix of thinking of past days in various homes during my life, and not having one now, and knowing very soon all of my inside time will be done and I'll be back on the street, out at risk where people walk around and I may catch the virus.

The day was good, but as always it came with sadness along with the good. I still don't have a clear path out back to a normal life. Now more than ever with all of the uncertainty of everything.

But all I can do is continue to try to make the best steps for me. Right now. To try to hang on as best as I can. Emotionally and physically. One day at a time.

Day 4387 (V:111) - 7/5 - Back to exile, cried a bit

Today I feel very extremely sad. At about probably around 10 in the morning, not even 2 hours after I'd gotten up, I cried a bit. I was very sad today I will be back to exile. Each time I get to partly be me again I and I am put back out it hurts.

Lately I've been thinking a lot about when I was young. I think it was maybe my second sleep over. I thought I was having fun watching a movie with the family I was staying with, but part way through I felt cold, scared, and covered myself with my jacket and started crying. I wanted nothing more than to go home. But I couldn't. They were very understanding and very kind, but I couldn't go home. My parents had gone on some weekend cruise or something, and I couldn't be picked up or taken home. Many times lately I feel like that. And I feel just the same as I did then. I want nothing more than to go home. To be safe in my room with my things.

I am also very sad I mostly played and tried to just feel better. But I'm also sad the world is in a position where if I had tried to do job searching or other work things I wouldnt have found any I could do. If there were jobs out there to be found they would be remote ones, which I'm not in a position to do yet, either due to laptop limitations, power limitations, or connection limitations.

As always today I tried to do my best I could with the opportunity I had. I played and watched a few shows, and I tried to not feel so sad. And with the world the way it is I can't do anything more with what I have. I have to accept it is enough. That waiting is enough. That for what I have left... I am doing my best... and it is enough.

Day 4388 (V:112) - 7/6 - Fat fold

Today I am extra sad, which I suppose I always am extra sad these days. Last night I discovered my chubby tummy, along with other parts, are now sagging. In the case of my tummy, somewhat a lot. I guess it shouldn't surprise me, with the rapid weight loss over these past few days, change in diet, change in routine causing additional and extreme stress; are all things that will change you. Especially with no real way to even do my previous 15 minute stretch workout, which I haven't even had the chance to do in a very long while.

I'm at the library, but not at the library. It's still so very weird to be here for "an appointment" to pick up movies and not actually go inside.

Someone said something terrible the other day. He said he thought the library might not open until the end of the year. I would be crushed if that were the case. I really don't see how that would be the case though. The library is considered in the same category as schools, especially grade school and middle school, in terms of services provided to parents and support for low income families. As far as I know all schools (grade and middle) will be reopening in mid or late August because parents are being devastated by not having daycare so they can work, lost meals through meal programs, etc. There is no way that most could make it through further extreme closures like we've had.

I expect the senate is on break now, until something like the 17th, so I doubt any second stimulus news will come anytime soon. So I am still waiting.

And so I try my best to continue to hang on emotionally and physically. And continue to hope I can wait and make it through until things get better. And hopefully I can make it to better days.

Day 4389 (V:113) - 7/7 - Total unknown

Today I can't even being to predict what the day might bring. School for the quarter is done. The senate is out so there won't be news of a second stimulus, continuing my hold for plans for a laptop, bills, etc. And with these things my days seem an endless span of void before me.

I will continue to try to hang on as best as I can emotionally and physically. Hopefully what little I have left will remain until I can have opportunity, and I can continue to hang on until then.

Week 628

Day 4390 (V:114) - 7/8 - Feeling worse and a bit better

Today I started the day feeling a bit worse. I had very terrible dreams. In one dream I was back in the library. I was walking through and it was packed. I was fearfully winding my way through the crowd and everyone was about two feet apart, and no one was wearing a mask. In my fear I cried out, "Why isn't anyone wearing a mask?" And one person replied the stay at home order had ended, and so it was safe. I had to explain that the virus doesn't care about our rules and it may not be safe for a year.

If that weren't stressful enough I had another stressful dream after that one. I was in a forest with a very cute new stuffed bunny. We were on an adventure. But as we walked through the forest I was very afraid I'd lose her. At one point I stumbled on a log and she fell into a rushing river that wasn't much wider than my hand, yet seemed several feet deep. She was washed away, but thankfully I caught up and pulled her out, smooshing the water out as best as I could.

So I started my day extra groggy, and extra depressed and sad. Even now as we approach evening I still feel groggy, and still feel a bit worried and distressed.

I guess I feel a bit better emotionally. Though not much, as it's difficult to lift my mood, because I got a glimpse of the old me. I'm updating my hardware recommendations lately, and did a touch of research, so it was nice to see nice things I can't afford that others might get and be happy with.

I guess there really isn't much change. And I saw a post saying stimulus most likely won't see any progression until the 20th, so I still have to wait for any news on that. But I still try to remain hopfull. Both because an upgrade is very much needed, but also because almost weekly I'm seeing signs that my old laptop might not last much longer.

I guess I survived another hot day. And I guess that is something. I have a little more hope having glimpsed the old me briefly, at least some form of it. But really all I can do is continue to wait, continue to try my best to hang on, and hopefully I can hang on long enough to make it to better days. Hopefully we call can.

Day 4391 (V:115) - 7/9 - Feeling small, abandoned, and crying

Today I have felt a bit like I've been crying all day. My eyes are teared and the crying feeling is in my upper cheeks. I haven't shed tears, but all day I've felt like if I let go, even just a little, I'd start crying and not be able to stop. I felt very small. As if I were a young child, left alone, abandoned in a corner in an unfamiliar place.

I guess really there isn't any real news, nor any real change. My life is still terrible and limited to the point I can't change it. And there is no news of anything which could allow for change. While I always hope for such, these days I more often have to celebrate that there was no bad news to report.

So I try my best to hang on. I try to continue to survive one day at a time. I try to focus on staying hopeful in that each day I survive is another chance change and opportunity will come. And maybe someday I can recover at least some of a normal life.

Day 4392 (V:116) - 7/10 - Missing out

Today I feel very sad. Lately my brain has been fixating on what I feel like I'm missing out on. Most things are just regular daily things like showers or being able to afford games. But on days like today it thinks about bigger things. The streamer I watch was doing an extra interesting game and people were chatting and having fun. I watched what I could, but it was barely one hour of what would have been about a 12 hour stream. Yes, I could watch it later, but I wouldnt be a part of the fun. It is but a moment and then it's gone. Not something I can be a part of later.

I'm starting to get much closer to being able to quit soda. Yesterday I only had like 2, and it was only 2 or 3 the day before. Today was really extremely hot, causing sweating in parts of the day. I was expecting to only have 1 or 2 sodas today, but I think due to what I've lost from heat the body felt like it needed more. But more and more lately my tummy feels upset at the thought of soda. And the emotional sadness of all the destruction of my teeth is now starting to outweigh the comfort I feel when drinking it.

There was a little news of newer laptops, but really nothing changed today. Save for the heat, since it had been getting cooler lately.

I continue to try my best to hang on. It's all I can really do.

Day 4393 (V:117) - 7/11 - Sweatingly hot

Today it was sweating level hot, which is rare for me. It must have been in the high 80s or even the 90s as that's what it takes to get me to start sweating.

Really the only thing today is I found some new laptop options, if I get more stimulus money. Without more my option is still limited to the good one I found about a week ago (or the original entry level systems I was looking at, which I'll avoid now since it's the same price for a great monitor and not terrible heat). So hopefully more comes, or if it doesn't hopefully there isn't tax on the purchase, as I have just about exactly enough for the listed price of the new low cost one. So I still try to hope things work out.

I suppose as sweaty as the day was, I survived. And really these days that is just about all I can hope for.

Day 4394 (V:118) - 7/12 - Fearful of news

Today I am fearful of bad news about reopenings. Lately the school districts in the areas have become very fearful that an August reopen date is too soon. And if enough pull back and remain closed the odds of the library reopening greatly decreases. The thought of another 5 months, 6 if we count the between time, on top of the already 4 months now, would be insane. Without things feeling safe and reopening my odds of finding a job, especially one remotely, is just about zero.

It was ridiculously hot again. Again I am sweating. Thankfully there was a stream I could watch for a bit in the late morning to afternoon, so that 'gave me something to do' while being out of my car during the hottest hours.

So today, because of all the things, I feel extra sad. I feel more like I won't get a chance for change. And I feel like what little I have today will continue to be slowly lost until the end of my days.

Day 4395 (V:119) - 7/13 - Regret for no laptop

Today I went to the library to return some stuff. I'd been thinking I would bring my laptop to get some extra time to do stuff while being connected with power, but with how hot it's been lately I didn't want to risk it. It seemed like it would have been safe though. When I checked temperatures after settling into the spot it showed it was in the low 80s, and the laptop is really only at risk if it's past the mid 80s, or into the 90s. It was still very hot though, as the salad in my car felt like someone had put it into the microwave for 20 seconds when I had it for dinner. And that was in a similar shaded spot as where I was sitting.

I may try to visit again Friday. Though I think it is supposed to be even hotter than it was today. According to the weather site it is supposed to peak in the 90s, then cool down to the high 70s by next Wednesday. So I may need to postpone any laptop outside the library visits until at least next week. But lately I've been giving it very serious consideration for maybe two visits a week since I found that super private spot with shade, a good signal, and power.

Really today was no different. I had more power than usual due to the library visit, so all day was on the tablet instead of needing to split time with the phone. But there was no new news of anything.

I continue to hope things get better. All I can see is more bad news about long-term effects of everything that's happening. I've been telling my sad story in the hopes it will help others avoid such sad stories of their own. But I guess it seems more and more inevitable for some.

Day 4396 (V:120) - 7/14 - Another unknown Tuesday

Today will be another day where I have no idea what might happen. I would guess things will remain on hold. I will guess there will be no change. I would guess there will be more bad posts about everything.

But I will try to stay hopeful. Hopefully help and opportunity will come for me. And hopefully for everyone. And hopefully we can all make it to better days.

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