Week 525
Day 3669 - 7/18 - Shot walk, hopefully done
Today was a short walk. When I got to the food store and checked my mail there was a pretty big donation. 
I transferred it into my account and walked back to the car. I'm trying to save all I can for the registration, so I put about 1.5 weeks of gas in the car. Hopefully more donations will come, as what is left is only half of what is needed for the registration. And there are only a few days left to pay it in time. I guess the 'good news' on that is that it will just be $30 more to pay by early August, and $60 more by something like late August. So it won't be impossible to pay late, just more expensive.
Since my walk was barely 1/4 of what it would have been for the day my feet are slowly starting to recover. I've been trying to rotate my ankles in circles every hour or so (as I have for a few days) to help recover and stretch things, and they feel much better already. Though the right ankle where there is the side bump still seems more swollen than usual.
As a result, I had a pretty good time with my games and shows. Though I am still feeling pretty sick. I'm still congested and sneezy, and as the day went on I got progressively more light headed and sneezy feeling. And what is more odd is that by afternoon my eyes couldnt focus on anything, as if I have a head injury.
Normally tomorrow would be a showering day, but I really don't know what to do about that. Without a school parking sticker for the quarter I can't park anywhere remotely close to the showers, so any real shower would be negated by the walk. 
I am considering going next week and parking in a 30 minute spot to micro some food, but with where that spot is it's not close to the showers. And there wouldn't be enough time to walk across campus, properly shower and do stuff, then walk back within that time. And I wonder if a single micro meal is worth the extra gas. If I had plenty of gas, absolutely, but with what I have being so little I have to be very careful.
I suppose once we get to the weekend I'll start freaking out again, as the registration will be past due, and half the gas I put in the car gone, but I have to be careful, and I have to focus on hope.
So I try to do that. I try to hang on to hope. I try to recover physically and emotionally. I try to get extra rest and sleep now that I have my 2-3 hours a day back from not needing to walk. And hopefully more help will come in time, and I can make it to better days.
Day 3670 - 7/19 - Found
Today started almost unbelievably. It certainly felt very surreal. When I was going to the food store I saw what looked like two large bills on the ground. But could that be right? Who would not keep track of that? And they looked fake. Like those ones that have a bill on one side and an ad on the other. But I was wrong. It was indeed two large bills. It has just been so long since I've seen bills like that (over a $5) they looked almost unrecognizable to me.
It's not enough to get the rest of the way to the registration, sadly, or I'd have instantly done that, but it certainly helps. I was tempted to immediately put it into gas, or maybe spend a bit to do some laundry that I'm very behind on. But I think I'll save it all, at least for a week. That way if another donation does come in the next two days I should have enough for registration. After that, when it's late and gets fees added on... well, I won't spend it, but it may not last long. I did feel a touch guilty about keeping it, but how would I find the owner? There were only a couple of cars around, and certainly no one within sight, let alone anyone looking for lost money. Sure, I could turn it in and hope it's not claimed, but odds are high if someone saw me do that they'd lie and say it was theirs. After a few minutes of looking around to see who came by, no one did, and so I trusted that Fate intended me to find it.
I guess the day was pretty regular besides that. I tried to relax and play my game. And I did, sort of. I'm still super sick, and sneezed a ton. And my feet are still going to take a while to recover, so there is that. And, of course, until those critical bills are paid they will always be on the back of my mind.
But I guess today was ok. I survived, and tomorrow is another day. Hopefully help will continue to come. And hopefully I can make it to better days.
Day 3671 - 7/20 - Feels like Saturday
Today has felt like Saturday all day. I don't really know why. For all these homeless years Saturday has been meaningless.... well, I suppose not counting when I had the pen and paper game I went to for a while, which was more often not happening than it was.
But it felt like a day off. A day where I would be at the library less. A day where I had something to look forward to in the evening.
But the day was none of those things. It was just a regular day. In fact, in the game it was one of those days where I had more bad experiences grouping which put a damper on the rest of the day.
I guess the day was really ok overall. There were no donations and we are now only one day from the due date of the registration. So in a lot o ways it was kind of a really bad day.
But I got through it. I drove. I did not walk. I tried to recover my feet and I tried to help rest and fight off my cold. And I suppose I held on to hope for another day.
So hopefully donations will come very soon. And hopefully I can pay the registration in tie. And hopefully I will continue... to be.
Day 3672 - 7/21 - Hopefully some better days ahead
Today was quite the turnaround in the afternoon. I was hoping the Gray Ghost would send help, as he has when the registration has been due before, and today he sent a bunch. I'll have to see exactly what is what in a few days, but with that help, and the big help from before, I paid off the registration. Just in time too, as it's official due date is tomorrow. I certainly have enough for the not yet late and hopefully last car insurance payment. (Until it starts up again in October.) And for the I.D. Even a bigger laundry. I expect there will even be a few months of gas left after that, but I'll have to wait and see.
So a ton of stress is starting to go away. And hopefully after paying stuff and mathing out what's left I'll hopefully have enough to be ok for a while and have some better days ahead.
Day 3673 - 7/22 - One good meal
Today was odd. I guess I had an ok time at the library, but I am super out of it. All yesterday and today I've felt like there should be something I should have been watching, but I can't think of what it would be. Maybe it is just odd remnants of a dream, as I have not been sleeping until after midnight for the past few nights, so I'm down about 2-3 hours each night for a few nights.
But I am now finally doing laundry. Yay. At least the important stuff. The bed stuff and the other half of the towels (which aren't being washed) would be an additional $10, which is really too much. I will consider it, but with the recent gas struggles I'd rather save as much as I can. Maybe I'll do a 'dry' on the bed stuff next week to help purge out anything bad there, but washing is pricy.
Speaking of that, I mathed things out. Paying what needs to be paid immediately, and saving two months of gas and bank monthly fees, I have a decent portion left over towards paying for classes and a parking sticker next quarter in September. Plus, I've set aside monies for a good meal tonight. Back in the day I used to have meals like that every two to three weeks, but looking at the current receipt coupon I have the last time I ate there was more than six months ago. It's not super expensive, but at about a week's worth of gas I just can't afford it while unemployed.
But I have laundry. I have a fancy dinner. And I have checked out a movie from the library. After a day of relaxing and playing, that's about as good as my sad life gets these days.
Day 3674 - 7/23 - All clean
Today I am all clean. I got to shower with plenty of time, so all of my parts are shaved, cleaned, and rinsed. And my clothes are all clean too. I noticed a couple of blisters were starting to form, and that discolored skin is there, so hopefully they will be ok soon. They don't hurt or anything, but I'm sure they are from the walks.
I was concerned when I took my shower. There was an extremely obvious 'transient' person there who was in his maybe late 20s. He had his bike inside the shower area, which is unusual enough, but he also had a pull cart. Not a small one either. Like two feet wide by three feet tall. I mostly ignored him until I was getting dressed. I noticed he took his sleeping bag out of one locker. Then he looked in another locker where there was a hat, then another, then took shoes out of one and said 'maybe' to himself. It was obvious he was going to look through all the lockers. I thought about asking/accusing if 'this was something I needed to worry about', as I've never felt the need to lock my stuff before. (I may have a lock somewhere. I'm not sure.) But I didn't. Only because I am in nearly as desperate a situation myself. The kids are supposed to lock their stuff up in assigned lockers if they leave it. And if he needs shoes so badly he has to consider stealing from ones left in the locker he must be in a very bad position in life. I also didn't because he seemed detached from reality. I was staring at him as he searched through the lockers. He saw me (he had known I was there even before he started) and just said something like, 'oh hi,' and continued on, despite what must have been a 'wtf are you doing look' on my face. I may go shower Thursday. I may wait until Monday. Whenever I go, if I see him doing it again I will alert campus security. Doing it repeatedly is not ok. Even once is very questionable as there are other resources.
The bulk of my day went pretty good. I had a pretty fun time in my game and watching shows and the connection held pretty well.
Which makes the last bit a bit odd. From the early afternoon on I've been having micro panic attacks again, fearing death. Worrying about if anything is beyond, or if there is only blackness and nothing. Again, besides general poor health due to forced food choices while homeless there is really no reason I shouldn't still get my remaining 40 years. And with what I clearly recall, that is four more entire full 'memory cycles'.
I guess it's just bought on by things happening in a show of a game I'm watching. They are dealing with a recent character death. And too I've been thinking of my dad, who has about 10 years left. And I suppose there are reminders by the regular six or more homeless at the library, which doesn't help boost my spirits or feelings that I'll make it out of being homeless.
But I try to continue on. I am reasonably smart. I am reasonably capable. More than anything I want to recover back to a normal life (unlike the regular homeless at the library.) So I continue to hope there will be opportunity and I'll get a chance. And maybe someday I will recover and this part of my life will become a distant memory, as distant as a normal life and being in a home is to me now. And hopefully I can hang on until better days.
Day 3675 - 7/24 - Not bed sheets
Today has started off poorly from what probably would have been very good. I decided to go ahead and spend the money to wash my bed stuff in the morning before the library opened. I'm not a morning person so I forgot that's an option. I get to the laundry place about 1.5 hours before the library opens, plenty of time to do a wash. And there is no change in either of the two machines. Really? I walk over to the only local store that's open and apparently the lady doesn't think she has change and is apparently incapable of checking or getting more. I wait at the laundromat as long as I can, until the wash window is lost, then leave a feedback note about it with a big sad face. I've now lost what time that would have taken today, and the next day I decide to do it, because I really can't do anything else while there.
I'm sure today it will be forgotten quickly enough. But I hate losing time like this. In a home I'd have lost nothing. I could just shrug it off and go about my day. But because each (homeless) resource is basically a separate thing, sacrificing one opportunity in favor of another, it just feels like another reminder that I'm homeless and how things like this shouldn't be an issue at all. But since they are, precious moments of my life are lost, ticking away, wasted on nothing.
But I try to stay hopeful. I try to look ahead to what remains and hope it is positive. And maybe more so that someday I can return to a normal life.
Week 526
Day 3676 - 7/25 - Holes seen in the light
Today felt long and weird. I suppose the bulk of the reason for that was starting with laundry, which should have been done yesterday. Hopefully that leads to better sleep and letting me get over my cold.
But as I was folding the 'bed sheets' I noticed pretty much all of them had small to medium sized holes. At least one per layer. And there were tiny fuzzies from each of the colors on the other colors. They are permanently scarred. But after 10 years that is not surprising, nor I suppose unexpected. What was was the fact that it reminded me... of me.
In the shadow, in the dark, these flaws are not seen. But in full view in the light, looking at the layers, they have all become flawed. Which seemed to remind me that I am the same. Flawed, broken, no longer distinct and clear as I once was, yet because no one cares to look it is unnoticed, and unremarked upon.
I guess nothing new was really discovered. And nothing really can be done about it. (Though if I get a chance I might try to see if I can fix the holes.) But it threw me off just enough to feel odd during the day. Odd, alone, and damaged.
But I try to hang on to hope. I try to continue to hope opportunity will come and help and donations come in the meantime. And hopefully I can make it to better days.
Day 3677 - 7/26 - Need soup
Today I felt weird in the morning. I couldn't describe it. But then I started sneezing. And sneezing. And sneezing. And my nose was running to the point of needing to put a tissue under it because it was just running out. So apparently I'm super sick. And all day all I've wanted was to be in a home so things could be quiet, warm, and I could have cooked soup to feel better. I think I'm even running a bit of a fever.
I guess today was ok other than that. But it's hard to tell with all the sneezing and feeling sick all day.
I would love to send my broken tablet case in to be replaced. There is a game 50% off, currently $17 which could be a fun early birthday present. Another nice dinner would be good, especially since I'm sick. A few days gas detour to see a movie in a theater would be good. A month subscription to an online movie/show site would help me get caught up on some things. But I have decided on none of those. Not in that I can't decide which I want, but in that I've decided I am too short on money to do anything extra. I have my time through September for gas and bank monthlies, and not enough else o do the next big thing after. So being short, I have to save it all, what little there is. And I feel very sad I am in such a position.
But I try to hang on. Tomorrow is another day and anything can happen. So I try to hang on to hope. And hopefully I can make it to better days.
Day 3678 - 7/27 - Still very sick
Today I am still very sick. I may be running a touch of a fever too. I felt weird in that I was super focused on what I was doing, so when I looked around the library it was like, 'Where am I? What am I doing?' And I was very confused.
Except there was a super creepy guy at my table who was constantly sniffling. Not like me, where I'd blow my nose and had an occasional sniffle. Like a constant 'snort snort' I could hear above my gaming with my big earphones on. And he's super weird. He has two, sometimes three, laptops that he sets up. You don't do that in public unless you are running illegal downloads of massive files. I think tomorrow I'll put some books on the other side of the table for the first hour. He and a couple other recent regulars I don't like have come in early, so I'll just reserve the spot for not them.
I guess the day would have been ok other than that. I had a fun time with my game. I did some different stuff. I found a new movie to watch tomorrow for one of the few remaining traditions I try to do. But there were no opportunities. No donations. And still I worry about so many things in the back of my mind.
But tomorrow is another day. Hopefully I'll feel a bit better. Hopefully opportunity will come (although there usually isn't anything on the weekends.) And hopefully I can hang on until better days.
Day 3679 - 7/28 - Still a bit sick
Today I am a bit better, but still pretty sick. I'm still congested, sneezy, feeling cold, have a bit of a headache, and a bit of 'confusion'.
I guess it was a pretty ok day though. I had a decent time in my game and things weren't terrible. The day went pretty quickly though. I remember it passing, but now in the evening it only feels around noon.
But I guess I survived another day. And with that I can hope tomorrow will be better. And so I try to hang on to hope. And hopefully I can make it to better days ahead.
Day 3680 - 7/29 - Still congested
Today I am still pretty congested. It seems to not be going away, which is extra disappointing since I got some decongestants. They help, but not nearly as much as I'd hoped.
I guess the day was on the sadder side of ok. There were some bad dungeon groups. I was congested, sneezing, and had a bit of headache and confusion today. And the connection went to poop pretty early in the afternoon. So basically from 3:30 on I couldn't really stay connected to online things.
I guess it was an ok day, but it flew by and was over before it really felt like it had begun. I suppose part of that is because I'm sick. I suppose part is the same-same-ness of my time in the library.
But it was one day. And I have survived. And so I continue to hope things will be better. And tomorrow will be a better day.
Day 3681 - 7/30 - Because, limitations
Today was better. There were still bad things. Nothing really changed. There were no donations. There was a job to apply for, but I don't think it's anything to celebrate, as it would effectively be the same part-time going nowhere job I had previously, at less pay, just for a different city.
Someone the other day in one of my social groups said they were feeling sad because they felt worthless and that they felt like they had nothing to offer. I've been thinking about that a lot. And thinking about how I feel. And analyzing how I've held what so many consider great strength through these terrible times. I think in great part it's kind of that I feel the opposite of that person. If we were to say everyone was even on housing, even on having enough food, that these were things provided to them all, I look at how I'm different from others, what makes me distinct. And I think there is quite a bit to offer. Like with my helping being a TA; I'm super helpful. Or helping people with gaming issues on the forums. Or how I have a lot of interesting and distinct personality in video games, and even more so in person with pen and paper games. There is a lot I know I can 'offer', and I know what prevents me from doing that are external things; lack of opportunity, typically something I can't control.
I don't know if that helps anyone, or if anyone is reading anymore. But consider all the factors next time you feel down. Are you feeling the way you feel because of things you can control? Or is it maybe like my situation where much of what you have to offer can't be offered due to lack of opportunity or limitations in your life?
I guess my day was reasonably ok. I did what I wanted in my game, though the connection started to go bad in the evening. I took a big detour to take a shower in the morning. Which crossing campus from the food store was 10 minutes each way. Tolerable since there are only like seven more times I'd need to do that, assuming I can get a bit more and sign up for classes next quarter. Though really that's about three times as far as my feet and legs wanted to go. With a week to recover between each trip it should be ok though.
So I continue to try and hang on to hope that opportunity will come. I continue to hope donations and help comes in the mean time. And hopefully I can make it to better days.
Day 3682 - 7/31 - Space bunnies
Today is starting out a bit sad. This morning I had a dream about finding a family of baby bunnies from space. They were super smart and could talk and I became their caretaker. After a few years the Earth's environment started making them sick. It had triggered a degenerative disease. So we quickly learned their native language and science and made a super powerful communications dish to try and contact their home world. By then they were a small colony of about 20. I was holding the hand/paw of the oldest, Daisy, and I was crying as I promised we would get them back home before the sickness took them all.
So I am sad for the sad dream. I think I must have been crying in my sleep when I was crying in the dream, as my eyes feel like they've been crying. I am super sad for the message it conveyed about regretting my chance to be a dad. (The bunnies were calling me father.)
But it was just a dream. The sad things are still sad, on the surface of my thoughts or not. And as the dream fades from memory through the day hopefully I will cheer up. And hopefully opportunity and help will come. And hopefully I can make it to better days and nights.
