Week 557
Day 3893 - 2/27 - Two days off
Today was an odd start. The professor I TA for was out and expected to fly back this morning and start class an hour late, but apparently that flight was canceled and her next flight wasn't until after class ended, so I got the whole day off. In the evening I was helping the professor that I have a class with and he mentioned he had a thing to do in the morning so tomorrow morning is canceled as well. So I had today off, and apparently have tomorrow off as well.
While both days are technically only three hours and two hours of extra time, since they are my only fixed time commitment it means that frees up my entire day to do whatever with no concern about a schedule, so that is pretty cool. I suppose in the big picture it's not a lot extra, but it seems like a lot less stress, which any stress reduction these days is a huge help since I am so constantly crushed by the weight of worry about the bills.
So it seems basically my weekend has started early and I guess I can try and have some extra fun with it. But really I can only try my best to relax and not worry, hope help and donations come, and hopefully I can make it to better days ahead.
Day 3894 - 2/28 - Odd lungs
Today my lungs feel odd. They have for a few days now. It's kind of like they were struggling with a minor asthma attack, but in a weird way they feel more clear. It's maybe like I'm in a super hot desert area. I don't know if it's because of the cold or what.
There were no donations, so I'm getting super worried about that. In good news I did get notice that because of the government shut down last month my monthly food monies will come a bit early (and should be there tomorrow instead of the 6th). So I guess that's something. But I still don't know how I'll pay the bills I need to pay without quite a lot of help. 
But I try to focus on the fun I had today, and will try to relax again tomorrow, and try not to worry. All I can do is try to hold on to hope help and donations come and I can make it to better days.
Day 3895 - 3/1 - Almost cried
Today I almost cried as I was heading to my night spot. I'm down to probably half a week of gas, a point at which I need to completely stop driving. I can continue through the weekend as normal, but after that I can't.
I nearly cried at the thought of needing to walk. There is so much pain and suffering when I have to walk far. Plus, I wouldn't be able to shower normally and my clothes are already very overdue for washing, and walking would greatly worsen the smell. And, of course, so so so many other negative and bad things could, and would, happen if I have to leave my car unmoving.
I really don't know what to do. My social page gets so few visits it seems unlikely any call for emergency help would be answered. Yet, it seems that's all I can really do. That and try to prey and continue to try to hold on to hope that donations and help come in time. And that I can get enough help to have gas and maybe pay at least some of these upcoming bills.
Day 3896 - 3/2 - Laggy
Today was mostly ok. I played for a bit at the food store in the morning, then played without issue at the library until noon. From then on the connection was pretty laggy and I had a much harder time playing.
I guess the day wasn't bad, but since no help came it didn't get any better either. My ex-roomie gave me a bit of monies to take some stuff to the donation place, so I can get about half a week of gas and do a very badly needed wash. It will be a smaller wash, so I won't get everything, but hopefully I can get most things I need done.
As always it seems really all I can do is try to hang on to hope that help and donations come in time.
Day 3897 - 3/3 - Tried
Today I tried to play my game at the library. I only got about 1.5 hours of play at decent speed, then it was disconnecting me every few minutes, or completely laggy and I couldn't do anything.
I guess today was ok in that I did some laundry, but I didn't have enough to do a big laundry, which is what is needed, and they raised the prices so that took a little more than I expected.
So I continue to hope help and donations come, and I hope I can hang on until they do, as I am getting very worried about the upcoming bills.
Day 3898 - 3/4 - Goodbye hair
Today was a pretty regular day. Last night I decided my hair was too thin on top. I started my faux-hawk when it was only about 1/3 of the way thinned on top. Now, just a few years later it's probably about 85% of the way thinned on top. It isn't until basically above the back of my ears that it is its full thickness. But even then my whole side of the family on my mom's side are an ethnicity that have thin limp hair, so even if I had 100% of what I wanted to try to do a proper mohawk (or swoop) it wouldn't have the body.
So I cut it all off and now I am bald. I guess it's not a huge difference from before. And with it thin through 2/3 of the entire length of the faux-hawk I'm pretty sure it was just starting to look ridiculous. I'd rather it be gone entirely and wear a hat or just be bald than have visible signs of my age. Though I know I should be proud I've survived, I'm not ready to be old.
There were no donations and so I continue to get extremely worried about everything. But all I can do is continue to try my best to hang on and distract myself with what games I can in the meantime, and hopefully help and donations will come and I can make it to better days.
Day 3899 - 3/5 - Sore helmet
Today my head is hurting would be the only way to describe it. All of my scalp feels like there is a helmet fused onto it, crushing my skull. Or maybe as if my whole top of my head is extremely sunburnt. Which makes little sense, as 75% of the area was used to being shaved, so there shouldn't be any system shock.
The day just started and class should be starting, so I don't have time to check, but hopefully donations will come and I can at least pay for some of the bills coming. I don't know how I'll manage without help. So I try to hang on, and hopefully I can make it to better days.
Week 558
Day 3900 - 3/6 - Hurting head
Today there wasn't anything special or noteworthy. My head still hurts in a weird way. I guess maybe it's razor burn, but I still don't get how that can be since 75% of my head has been shaved for years. I didn't shave again this morning (I usually would have), and I think I'll leave it a week and then maybe shave it like the old faux-hawk and see how long it takes to get back to feeling normal.
I'm super worried about money. Every day that passes is another day closer to not paying something. But all I can do is try to hang on until help comes and hope that it does in time.
Day 3901 - 3/7 - Definitely bald
Today I checked in the mirror and my hair is definitely way too thin to really do a mokawk like I want. It's been growing back and there is a very obvious balding C shape on top where it's very thin from the back of the head forward. I guess people may not have really paid attention because I've gotten two comments about it. The rest of the people seem to have not noticed a change. So that was pretty heartbreaking to see. Due to the pain and it barely starting to get to a point of not hurting I may fully shave it only every other week. I'll see how it feels on Monday and maybe just lightly shave the sides like I used to.
There were no donations so I'm getting truly terrified about the prospect of being out of gas and needing to leave my car parked, as well as what will happen when I can't pay bills. But I can't let myself think about it too much or I would just completely lose it and be a crying disaster all the time.
So I try to focus on what I still have. I try to hope donations and help will come. And hopefully I can make it to better days.
Day 3902 - 3/8 - Bus pass
Today I got a bus pass at school. I saw something last night that mentioned they are free now and not the $5 they previously were. It seems that was a good thing as I absolutely need to stop driving. I probably should have enough gas for tomorrow, but I really need to stop after that. It's down to 1/8th of a tank, or maybe 1/16th, so I really shouldn't drive tomorrow but I don't know if the busses run on Sundays. I know many don't.
I forgot my dinner tonight. I was going to pick it up as the last item at the food store in the morning, but I guess with all the stress of everything I forgot. I guess today that was ok as the food store is on the way back to my nighttime spot, so it was the smallest of detours. But it's terrible to think I'm in such a bad state emotionally I could forget such an important thing.
All day I've felt on the verge of tears about everything. If I have to leave my car parked and bus everywhere that will be bad enough on my feet. And there is the fact that I can't really leave my car parked and have it be 'safe' since it's not parked on private property. And if I can't pay for insurance that is terrible. And car registration is due in July. And even if I could just move it minimally I still need to register for school in order for the bus pass to be active, which this quarter runs out in a couple of weeks and then I have no money to sign up for next.
It's taken all I have to not be crying all day. I need so very little compared to a regular life, yet I can't even manage to have enough for a homeless life. I don't know how I will make it.
Day 3903 - 3/9 - Losing myself all over again
Today it felt like I am losing myself all over again. With needing to make plans to take the bus I feel like once I start doing that what little is left of me will be lost. It feels like I am alone and no help is coming, and that this will truly be the start of the end of me. I have been on the verge of tears all day fighting the feeling of this being the end of who I am, and the end of possible recovery. As long as I'm moving, as long as I have my car and my laptop, and the illusion of a normal life and normal freedoms it at least feels like I may recover.
I know there are people out there who care about me and are looking out for me, but I have put out calls for help, and there have been no replies yet, and I don't know if there will. With everything in my life an unknown it feels like all I can do is try to hang on. And hopefully enough help will come in time... before I lose what little is left.
Day 3904 - 3/10 - The promise
Today I let my professor I TA for know I may not have the same schedule because I'm out of gas. She replied a bit later promising to help and saying we should talk about stuff I could do for her she could pay me for. I am hopeful things will turn out helpful, but she's made such promises before and not followed through, so I guess we'll see if it pans out or if she flakes again.
So for today I did not think about the bus. I did not think about leaving me behind as I left my car waiting in a spot. I put sad thoughts on hold and chose to remain hopeful this time she won't flake.
Day 3905 - 3/11 - Not my birthday
Today I got a bit of help from the professor. It was what I'd hoped for, which was more than I expected, but it certainly was not a total surprise of, 'oh I feel bad for not paying you at least something all these years for being my TA and counselor,' which I feel would happen in a better universe. Even at 25% of what the paid TAs get, with my average hours I help that would be $1500 a year. ... Anyways...
The morning started with a surprise. Today is a once very close friend's birthday according to the social page. Yet, she posted a cute bunny picture on mine. If I hadn't been in class at the time I checked I probably would have shed at least a few tears. I often feel so alone and uncared for in my sad life, yet on her birthday she sent me something to show she thought of me on this day.
It makes me wonder if I will ever recover enough to have close enough to a normal life to have regular friends again. To be able to post normal things on the social page. To go out and do things to have to post about. At this point doing anything that isn't my routine feels completely out of normal for me like it's a dream.
I was going to shave my head in the moning like a mohawk again, but seriously looking at it in the mirror it has to be 85% of the way to shaving it fully bald so I just shaved it all again. However, this time I did it extremely lightly, barely touching the razor to my head. And I was careful to rinse it off as much as possible to avoid pulling hairs. It still feels weird, but it isn't burning or hurting, so it should be ok. I guess I'll wait and see how it goes.
I guess a lot was different today. I feel weird. I feel exhausted, probably due to the time change. And I try to remain hopeful more help and opportunity come and I can make it to better days.
Day 3906 - 3/12 - Thanks time change
Today I am too cold and extremely tired. The stupid time change and probably new cold it's beating me down pretty hard. I'm seeing my breath in the morning again too, so that doesn't help.
No donations yet today, but he day has just started. But hopefully I will warm up soon. And for the moment I have gas and can drive normal. So I try to hang on to hope, and hopefully I can make it to better days.
