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Epic Fail: The Journal of a Homeless Gamer
Book 11: It Goes to Eleven

This is my journal I wrote during the time I was homeless. It is broken up by week for easier reading. Feel free to read it on the web or download the complete .pdf version and print it for reading offline.

Week 567

Day 3963 - 5/8 - Mystery exhaustion

Today I am exhausted for some reason. I have been for a few days. I feel like I've only gotten maybe like half the sleep I've gotten, and only eaten 75% of what I've eaten. It very much feels like the effects of exhaustion, but I don't know why. The past few nights I've tried to be extra restful when I could at night, and I've gotten decent sleep, so I don't know what might lead to this exhaustion. My only guess is the extreme toll my homeless life stress is putting on me, or maybe that my body is fighting off a cold. I've had terrible headaches and sneezing lately, so I suppose that is possible.

I got a pretty big donation and well wishing yesterday, so today I paid the overdue insurance. It was fine, as they weren't mad about it yet. There is still some money left over, but I'll have to do some math and see exactly how much. More than likely I'll try to reserve enough to pay the next insurance, which is just a couple of weeks away, but if more comes and I have enough it would be more important to pay the car registration as soon as I can since that is a huge bill due in just about two months.

The school connection was garbage in the morning. I couldn't really play and could barely stay connected. Thankfully it cleared up by the early afternoon, leaving me plenty of time to play and watch shows.

I was almost crying today. I thought about my sad life and how I can't afford real freshly cooked food, and about how exhausted I am, and I felt so sorry for me that I almost cried. But I managed to hold it together, in spite of how distant my memories are of being able to regularly eat cooked food.

So for the moment I try to hang on. Hopefully more help and donations come and I can make it through the big bills coming up. And hopefully I can continue to hang on until forever better days.

Day 3964 - 5/9 - Surprise, not fries

Today had a genuine surprise from my professor. For the first time in probably a year she sent me to get her some drinks and said to keep the change, which was a pretty decent amount. She seemed in a more generous mood overall, probably because she apparently had picked up her mom at the airport earlier.

The rest of the day passed pretty regularly. I half paid attention to the classes that I TA for as they were just lecture, so I spent a decent amount of time playing and not really paying attention.

Again I felt pretty exhausted for no known reason. And pretty hungry too. Someone offered to buy me a coffee, to which I responded I don't drink coffee. They offered a soda, which I said I had plenty of, but would love super yummy fries. (Which is about the price of said first mentioned coffee.) When they came back from their break they had no drinks, and no fries, which was super disappointing. I'm pretty sure the cafeteria was still open, so I'm not sure what happened there.

I guess the day overall was ok. I got a teeny bit more towards the bills, so that is good. And though everything in my sad life ticks down another day, nothing super disastrous happened, so I guess that is indirectly positive. So for the moment I try to hang on, and hopefully help and donations continue, and I can make it to better days.

Day 3965 - 5/10 - Sad bones

Today was actually better than I expected at the library, but sad for my heart. The connection was stable and strong enough to play my game stuff that I wanted in the morning through the early afternoon. I even did some stuff with my online friend. After, I watched some shows and played my bunny day gifted game for a bit.

I was very sad about what I got to eat though. The food store has $5 Friday sale items and one of them was an eight piece chicken. (There were also nugget items on sale, which upon reflection would have been the better choice.) Seeing the bones reminded me how this creature was once alive. I felt very sad for the chicken and now that will happen tomorrow too because of how much I have.

I really would like to be a lot more vegetarian, but my options while homeless are pretty limited. Fruit and veggies wouldn't keep, and with how I have to buy them they are two to three times the cost of micro or pre-packaged foods. I may try to find ways to eat more not meat food that I do have access too, but off the top of my head the things that have a reasonable or cheap cost are chips, cereal, and bread, which aren't the best options. Salad is ok if it's on sale, but it will never last more than two days at most. I can get non-meat micro food sometimes, certainly less-meat foods, like spaghetti or ravioli, etc., but those are on sale less often, so again, non-meat options tend to be more expensive.

So today was about as good as I could expect for a homeless day at the library (the staff person at school is still out sick, so I'd have had to have left there way earlier), but more sad because of not wanting to kill to eat, with extremely limited food options. But I try to hang on, and hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.

Day 3966 - 5/11 - Air dry

Today was ok, I guess. There was the expected poor bandwidth at the library, but it was enough to do the important play things and watch a few shows, though they were dropped to lower resolution.

My tummy was still upset by the chicken. I don't know if that is physical because it was off in some way, or due to the emotional sadness of not wanting to eat meat but being what I had. Well, I can try again to make better choices emotionally in the future. On my way away from the library in the evening I almost cried thinking about death and dying.

I did an air dry of my outer cloths today (things which are not socks or underwear.) Hopefully that will help because, even though it would only be $10-12 to wash, I really can't afford laundry until I take care of the car registration. I think I am down to one week of underwear before those too would have to be air dried and go into a second heavy use cycle.

Today I felt pretty lonely and sad, as many people posted on the social page about fun game things they are doing with friends or family. And, of course, with my sad things about food, cloths, temperature, and bandwidth, it was a constant reminder everything I did and everywhere I went was because I was homeless.

But I guess my laptop continues to hang on. My care continues to hang on. I continue to hang on. So hopefully it will be so again tomorrow. And maybe tomorrow will be a better day.

Day 3967 - 5/12 - In my head

Today was pretty sad. By just after noon the library bandwidth was so bad the connection was dying or disconnected almost half the time, and barely running the other half. I barely got enough time in the morning to do the most minimal of things in my game and finish watching half a show. But the rest of the time I was forced to do offline things.

I guess it wasn't too bad, as I had things to occupy me during the day. But requiring I basically be offline almost all day meant there were a lot of thoughts and a lot of sad conversations with myself, leaving me feeling very alone with my thoughts. Which sometimes that's nice, but days like today that just makes my homeless life feel extra sad.

I'm still extremely tired and borderline exhausted. And still feel very hungry. I had some salad earlier, but because of the exhaustion, and extra sads lately, I think I will use the last of my food gift card money and get a fresh cooked food for dinner. Maybe it will help me recover from whatever is causing this exhaustion.

I guess I made it through the day ok though. Hopefully next week opportunity will come. And hopefully I can continue on until I can make it to forever better days.

Day 3968 - 5/13 - Tired and sad

Today I was pretty tired and sad. The connection disconnected me quite a bit in the morning time. I don't get why school is so bad lately. It's like over spring break something broke and it's just not the same in the mornings.

I was pretty awake and alert up until then. From the afternoon on I was pretty exhausted. I still don't get why I'm feeling so exhausted lately. I'm starting to worry it's some kind of chemical imbalance.

I did notice my boots or underwear would smell pretty bad when I sat cross legged and those were close to my head. I hate being stinky. Hopefully I can find better smelling bits and put the powder in my boots to reduce the stink.

I suppose the day wasn't terrible though, so I try to hang on to hope that help, donations, and opportunity come. And hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.

Day 3969 - 5/14 - Gray skis return

Today seems pretty gray out. I was going to wear my shorts this week (one of the few clothing types I have which are clean) but the weather app says it's supposed to rain again. I guess it isn't predicted for today, but it sure looks like it.

I still feel pretty exhausted, though slightly less so than I have been. But it's just morning now, so that could be basically I basically just got up.

There is only one class to TA for today, but it's a big project day for them so there will be lots to watch and help with. Hopefully later I can play my games and watch shows without issue. The connection was pretty bad up until early afternoon yesterday.

I checked the ex-house for mail today and I did get my registration. It's what I remembered it being and it sadly does require smog. The person at the shop last time said he hoped they stopped doing the older ones because it requires and outdated machine that is really expensive for them to use and maintain and I was one of the few customers he had that needed that one. Sadly it still seems required. So, in total those are basically $200. If I got half that, and add to what I'm currently holding on to, I could at least pay the registration part early, which would be a huge amount of stress relieved. But, having just gotten some donations it seems unlikely more will come soon.

But, as always, things are out of my control. All I can do is keep hoping my searches eventually find opportunity, keep hoping help and donations come, and try my best to hang on until they do.

Week 568

Day 3970 - 5/15 - Officially abandoned

Today was ok, I suppose, but my mind was preoccupied by the news I got yesterday from the professor I TA for. She said that basically after this quarter is over (in about 7 weeks) she will be leaving for a different college 2/3 the way across the country. I suppose nothing has really changed. She stopped really showing any effort of trying to set me up a job after the first couple of years of helping her. And in all the years people have come and gone through the department I haven't gotten any calls or messages from anyone looking for my help and/or offering any paid jobs.

I will likely need to continue my plan to change to graphic arts and photography regardless of if she had stayed or not, as there really is only about one screenwriting class I could take and then I've taken every class the department offers. Professors on the floor likely won't question my hanging out through the next school year, especially if I do have classes, but it likely will feel weird since I pretty rapidly will be surrounded by people who don't know me.

I guess I'll figure it out as I go, as I have been doing all these years. It lately has made me very sad thinking about all the time I've lost trying to get degrees, and finding no help in getting into a better position to get a career. It's like all the schooling has meant nothing. It seems like it was all just wasted time and life lost. But now I'm trapped under so much debt I can't stop going until I have a job that can pay it back.

I suppose though nothing will change until September. Before that my life will be the same as many years before. So I will continue as I have been. Hopefully help and donations will come, and hopefully I'll find opportunity. Hopefully I will hang on to hope and make it to better days.

Day 3971 - 5/16 - Not seen, but there

Today was mostly TAing. I did try to do my minimal amount of play, but the connectivity was pretty terrible at school. I don't know why, but it's still unstable at times, and today was unstable into the evening, a time when it has always been stable before.

As I was walking to my car I looked up at the sky. Gray rain clouds were everywhere, as it was pouring last night and most of the day. I could see the moon through them, but not the stars. Yet I thought of something comforting which seemed to apply to many things in my sad life, or at least I hope does. I thought to myself, "I cannot see the stars, but they are still there."

I hope that's true; that many things currently blocked by my sad life are still there even though I can't see them. And so I try to continue to hang on to hope. And maybe someday my sad life clouds will disappear and I will have better days.

Day 3972 - 5/17 - Stayed connected

Today I stayed connected at the library all day. Which is good, as previous weekends it's been disconnecting a lot. Of course, it was a Friday and only reached about 60% capacity (compared to hitting probably 85% within the first couple of hours on a weekend day, and nearly 100% by noon), so I didn't really expect to have much trouble.

I got to play plenty with my game, though I didn't accomplish a special thing I wanted to do. But there wasn't anyone doing that activity, so I'll have to wait until they do. Shows I watched weren't too dragged down by bandwidth issues, so that was good too.

I felt pretty sleepy and tired. Not quite the exhausted I have felt lately, but enough that at one point I closed my eyes during a show and dozed off for about five minutes. The sky was gray most of the day but it hasn't rained since early morning. It's supposed to continue through the weekend, so I wouldn't be surprised if the rain came back by the night.

Even though my online friend was in the game and we played a bit, I felt pretty lonely and sad all day. I think it was because I was at the public library where I feel... eternal, yet stagnant. Like my life is what it is today and will never be more or less. At school there are students and people I know, at least for the moment, so there at least I feel a bit of hope for change and growth, as if carried along in their streams of momentum. Which is weird because logically I know that no matter where I am, as long as I'm connected to the Internet my changes for change and growth are really the same. I don't know. I guess I just feel alone and ignored at the library because, well, I basically am.

But the day was actually pretty good for a homeless day, even though I felt lonely and sad inside. So I try to continue to hold on to hope. And hopefully help, donations, and opportunity will come. And I can hang on until better days.

Day 3973 - 5/18 - Feeling sad and heartbroken

Today I felt sad and heartbroken much of the day. I got very excited in the morning when I saw I should have a chance at the special thing in my game since it was a daily quest today. But by the time I got through the dungeon queue to do it, which took 45 minutes compared to a normal two to ten, I barely got half way through before the library bandwidth chocked to effectively zero and I couldn't play anymore. This made me sad, upset, and heartbroken. Now it may be as much as a real time month before I get another chance to do it because no one does it if it's not a daily quest.

Being reminded, and in this case prevented, from a rare fun activity because of my homeless limitations breaks my heart more than anything. I can't do normal/regular things and people just don't understand why when I say I can't. And more importantly it just serves as a heavy handed reminder of the basic things people have in a home that I don't have.

In the later afternoon I calmed down a bit. I do still have my laptop, so I can do other things. And when it comes up I can try the special thing again. And too I have my car and enough food money. (Though on days like today my tummy has been complaining about low quality food.) So I am reminded there are still important things I could lose and things could be worse.

Though the morning didn't start well in general. For some reason I thought of a cat I had to let go and couldn't take care of. So I was crying for a bit over her on my way to the library. And I cried a bit at how during this sad time I basically lost who I was, and in a way I too am completely lost and may die before getting a new home.

But I try to hang on. I don't know how I will make it through, so there is little I have control of. It seems all I can do is try to hang on, and continue to hope.

Day 3974 - 5/19 - Rainy and freezing

Today it was raining most of the day. Normally I like that, but it was also freezing cold at the library. It's supposed to be a 'smart building' with heating and cooling but the heater switched to AC in the later morning and I had to put on my hoody and was still freezing from noon on.

There was quite the surprise today. When I got onto the library connection it seemed pretty good. Due to the rain I expected a low crowd. I decided to go for the special thing I wanted to do again, just for 15 minutes, to see if anyone might be doing it who missed it yesterday. At the last minute of the queue time I got a group. I was super hopeful. Half way through the dungeon the connection got super bad. I disconnected completely and couldn't get back on for probably more than five minutes. Normally groups abandon you completely if that happens. But to my shock and surprise they were actually waiting for me and were like, 'yay he's back' when I came back. The connection wasn't quite amazing, but it held strong enough to finish and I got my special thing I wanted. Woo hoo. So that was a super good start and nice recovery from feeling broken hearted about it yesterday.

The rest of my day was ok, but not great due to pretty low bandwidth. I did some low priority things in game and suffered through being disconnected every 15 minutes or so, sometimes for several minutes at a time. But I actually finished all the low priority things after a few hours, so that was good.

I had fruit today, which was about 40% more than I should have spent on food for the day, but it wasn't meat and it probably was very good for my system since I really don't otherwise get fruit. I still have a mystery sleepiness / borderline exhaustion, and I'm still very hungry. There were a few sneezes so maybe I am fighting a cold.

I wish I was in a home today and could have eaten better. I wish I could have showered and put on clean cloths. I wish I could have turned the heat up so I wasn't borderline freezing all day. But that is not my life. And I don't know if it ever will be again. I have to try to continue to hang on and hope that it will be. I have to try to find comfort in my game achievements and success when I can. And hopefully I can make it through to better days.

Day 3975 - 5/20 - Good surprise

Today had some good surprises. The expansion for my MMO that I preordered for bunny day has early access (on PC) starting today. When I preordered and did not immediately get my digital key I asked the place I ordered from when I'd get my key and they said they weren't expected until launch, which is on the 4th, meaning I'd miss all the early access period. So I was prepared for not having access until then. But, as I hoped they would, the game company sent the online store the code and I got in today and get to play in the early access time.

As part of the game patch they added a guild finding tool. I'm still on the fence if I really want to be part of one since I can't participate in most activities due to my sad life limitations, but I figured I'd use the search tool and see if any looked interesting. I found one and applied to it. I figured if I wasn't let in during the 15 days my app would be up I'd take it as a sign to stay unguilded. But, a couple hours later they approved me. They seem like they are nice people, though I didn't group with any of them to do stuff, so I guess we'll see.

It was nice to not feel totally alone. Though the new guild people don't really know me for me, I'm just some new guy, I was feeling pretty sad always being in my game and there being silence unless one of my two in game friends were on. So maybe this will lead to new friends, or at least people to do stuff with, who knows. For the moment it seems better than feeling alone all the time since I already feel that too much outside the game in real life.

The day passed pretty quickly, though I spent most of it doing new stuff in the game, so that isn't really surprising. But I as distracted in a good way, and that is something. And hopefully I can continue to have better days.

Day 3976 - 5/21 - Gray sprinkles

Today it is still raining. Though technically it's more been a heavy sprinkle. Not so much something you hear, but something you see evidence that it happened. Checking the weather app it seems like it's not going to stop. And through the week it shows, at best it shows 'partly sunny'. It's sad warm spring and summer days still seem so far away. I love the rainy times, but with as many sads as I have lately I'd prefer warm days.

It's early and the day is just starting. There are no donations and I'm very worried as we are one week away from the next car insurance, and just under two months until the very big car registration payment.

All I can do is continue to check job searches, continue to hope help and donations come, and try my best to hang on.

Comments and stuff Copyright E. Stryker 2008-2019
Pictures for Epic Fail are taken by me. :)

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