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Epic Fail: The Journal of a Homeless Gamer
Book 11: It Goes to Eleven

This is my journal I wrote during the time I was homeless. It is broken up by week for easier reading. Feel free to read it on the web or download the complete .pdf version and print it for reading offline.

Week 567

Day 3963 - 5/8 - Mystery exhaustion

Today I am exhausted for some reason. I have been for a few days. I feel like I've only gotten maybe like half the sleep I've gotten, and only eaten 75% of what I've eaten. It very much feels like the effects of exhaustion, but I don't know why. The past few nights I've tried to be extra restful when I could at night, and I've gotten decent sleep, so I don't know what might lead to this exhaustion. My only guess is the extreme toll my homeless life stress is putting on me, or maybe that my body is fighting off a cold. I've had terrible headaches and sneezing lately, so I suppose that is possible.

I got a pretty big donation and well wishing yesterday, so today I paid the overdue insurance. It was fine, as they weren't mad about it yet. There is still some money left over, but I'll have to do some math and see exactly how much. More than likely I'll try to reserve enough to pay the next insurance, which is just a couple of weeks away, but if more comes and I have enough it would be more important to pay the car registration as soon as I can since that is a huge bill due in just about two months.

The school connection was garbage in the morning. I couldn't really play and could barely stay connected. Thankfully it cleared up by the early afternoon, leaving me plenty of time to play and watch shows.

I was almost crying today. I thought about my sad life and how I can't afford real freshly cooked food, and about how exhausted I am, and I felt so sorry for me that I almost cried. But I managed to hold it together, in spite of how distant my memories are of being able to regularly eat cooked food.

So for the moment I try to hang on. Hopefully more help and donations come and I can make it through the big bills coming up. And hopefully I can continue to hang on until forever better days.

Day 3964 - 5/9 - Surprise, not fries

Today had a genuine surprise from my professor. For the first time in probably a year she sent me to get her some drinks and said to keep the change, which was a pretty decent amount. She seemed in a more generous mood overall, probably because she apparently had picked up her mom at the airport earlier.

The rest of the day passed pretty regularly. I half paid attention to the classes that I TA for as they were just lecture, so I spent a decent amount of time playing and not really paying attention.

Again I felt pretty exhausted for no known reason. And pretty hungry too. Someone offered to buy me a coffee, to which I responded I don't drink coffee. They offered a soda, which I said I had plenty of, but would love super yummy fries. (Which is about the price of said first mentioned coffee.) When they came back from their break they had no drinks, and no fries, which was super disappointing. I'm pretty sure the cafeteria was still open, so I'm not sure what happened there.

I guess the day overall was ok. I got a teeny bit more towards the bills, so that is good. And though everything in my sad life ticks down another day, nothing super disastrous happened, so I guess that is indirectly positive. So for the moment I try to hang on, and hopefully help and donations continue, and I can make it to better days.

Day 3965 - 5/10 - Sad bones

Today was actually better than I expected at the library, but sad for my heart. The connection was stable and strong enough to play my game stuff that I wanted in the morning through the early afternoon. I even did some stuff with my online friend. After, I watched some shows and played my bunny day gifted game for a bit.

I was very sad about what I got to eat though. The food store has $5 Friday sale items and one of them was an eight piece chicken. (There were also nugget items on sale, which upon reflection would have been the better choice.) Seeing the bones reminded me how this creature was once alive. I felt very sad for the chicken and now that will happen tomorrow too because of how much I have.

I really would like to be a lot more vegetarian, but my options while homeless are pretty limited. Fruit and veggies wouldn't keep, and with how I have to buy them they are two to three times the cost of micro or pre-packaged foods. I may try to find ways to eat more not meat food that I do have access too, but off the top of my head the things that have a reasonable or cheap cost are chips, cereal, and bread, which aren't the best options. Salad is ok if it's on sale, but it will never last more than two days at most. I can get non-meat micro food sometimes, certainly less-meat foods, like spaghetti or ravioli, etc., but those are on sale less often, so again, non-meat options tend to be more expensive.

So today was about as good as I could expect for a homeless day at the library (the staff person at school is still out sick, so I'd have had to have left there way earlier), but more sad because of not wanting to kill to eat, with extremely limited food options. But I try to hang on, and hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.

Day 3966 - 5/11 - Air dry

Today was ok, I guess. There was the expected poor bandwidth at the library, but it was enough to do the important play things and watch a few shows, though they were dropped to lower resolution.

My tummy was still upset by the chicken. I don't know if that is physical because it was off in some way, or due to the emotional sadness of not wanting to eat meat but being what I had. Well, I can try again to make better choices emotionally in the future. On my way away from the library in the evening I almost cried thinking about death and dying.

I did an air dry of my outer cloths today (things which are not socks or underwear.) Hopefully that will help because, even though it would only be $10-12 to wash, I really can't afford laundry until I take care of the car registration. I think I am down to one week of underwear before those too would have to be air dried and go into a second heavy use cycle.

Today I felt pretty lonely and sad, as many people posted on the social page about fun game things they are doing with friends or family. And, of course, with my sad things about food, cloths, temperature, and bandwidth, it was a constant reminder everything I did and everywhere I went was because I was homeless.

But I guess my laptop continues to hang on. My care continues to hang on. I continue to hang on. So hopefully it will be so again tomorrow. And maybe tomorrow will be a better day.

Day 3967 - 5/12 - In my head

Today was pretty sad. By just after noon the library bandwidth was so bad the connection was dying or disconnected almost half the time, and barely running the other half. I barely got enough time in the morning to do the most minimal of things in my game and finish watching half a show. But the rest of the time I was forced to do offline things.

I guess it wasn't too bad, as I had things to occupy me during the day. But requiring I basically be offline almost all day meant there were a lot of thoughts and a lot of sad conversations with myself, leaving me feeling very alone with my thoughts. Which sometimes that's nice, but days like today that just makes my homeless life feel extra sad.

I'm still extremely tired and borderline exhausted. And still feel very hungry. I had some salad earlier, but because of the exhaustion, and extra sads lately, I think I will use the last of my food gift card money and get a fresh cooked food for dinner. Maybe it will help me recover from whatever is causing this exhaustion.

I guess I made it through the day ok though. Hopefully next week opportunity will come. And hopefully I can continue on until I can make it to forever better days.

Day 3968 - 5/13 - Tired and sad

Today I was pretty tired and sad. The connection disconnected me quite a bit in the morning time. I don't get why school is so bad lately. It's like over spring break something broke and it's just not the same in the mornings.

I was pretty awake and alert up until then. From the afternoon on I was pretty exhausted. I still don't get why I'm feeling so exhausted lately. I'm starting to worry it's some kind of chemical imbalance.

I did notice my boots or underwear would smell pretty bad when I sat cross legged and those were close to my head. I hate being stinky. Hopefully I can find better smelling bits and put the powder in my boots to reduce the stink.

I suppose the day wasn't terrible though, so I try to hang on to hope that help, donations, and opportunity come. And hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.

Day 3969 - 5/14 - Gray skis return

Today seems pretty gray out. I was going to wear my shorts this week (one of the few clothing types I have which are clean) but the weather app says it's supposed to rain again. I guess it isn't predicted for today, but it sure looks like it.

I still feel pretty exhausted, though slightly less so than I have been. But it's just morning now, so that could be basically I basically just got up.

There is only one class to TA for today, but it's a big project day for them so there will be lots to watch and help with. Hopefully later I can play my games and watch shows without issue. The connection was pretty bad up until early afternoon yesterday.

I checked the ex-house for mail today and I did get my registration. It's what I remembered it being and it sadly does require smog. The person at the shop last time said he hoped they stopped doing the older ones because it requires and outdated machine that is really expensive for them to use and maintain and I was one of the few customers he had that needed that one. Sadly it still seems required. So, in total those are basically $200. If I got half that, and add to what I'm currently holding on to, I could at least pay the registration part early, which would be a huge amount of stress relieved. But, having just gotten some donations it seems unlikely more will come soon.

But, as always, things are out of my control. All I can do is keep hoping my searches eventually find opportunity, keep hoping help and donations come, and try my best to hang on until they do.

Comments and stuff Copyright E. Stryker 2008-2019
Pictures for Epic Fail are taken by me. :)

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