PC talk system recommendations blog Facebook YouTube articles and guides links bio
game screensots rabb1t's ramblings podcast email
Epic Fail: The Journal of a Homeless Gamer
Book 11: It Goes to Eleven

This is my journal I wrote during the time I was homeless. It is broken up by week for easier reading. Feel free to read it on the web or download the complete .pdf version and print it for reading offline.

Week 555

Day 3879 - 2/13 - Pre-load

Today I felt very sad. I'm not sure why, but I feel very alone and uncared for. Maybe it's just I feel like I'm missing out on all the basic things everyone else has. Even the simplest things like gas for the week and enough food seems like it's slipping through my grasp.

I did get to pre-download my super happy fun birthday present. So not only is that more fully secured, but the game is now loaded and will just need a tiny patch on release. Some will get to play starting Friday, but I'm not one of them. I'll have to wait until next Friday morning, just over a week. In a home I'd at least be able to play Thursday night, because the game launches at 9 PST Thursday, but that is probably too late to stay at school to play. I usually leave by then Thursdays.

It seems all I can do is continue to try to hang on. Hopefully help, donations, and opportunity will come in time and I can make it to my forever better days.

Day 3880 - 2/14 - Not valentine

Today I was pretty extremely sad. I had class in the morning, but between my sadness and extreme exhaustion I barely remember it. After class I just kind of messed around with news and other random videos. I don't really feel like playing much. I did peek into my MMO for dailies, but mostly I'm waiting a week from now until when my birthday present game is finally fully launched.

It was strange to think today was Valentine's Day. My brain saw the day coming, but since it hasn't meant anything for me for 18 years my brain just kind of forgot. There actually weren't really any reminders at school. Sure, there was a stand in the cafeteria area and I got a cookie from the tray, but that was it. I overheard no one talking about special plans, nor did I see anyone dressed differently, and there were no obvious gifts anyone was carrying. I suppose since it means nothing to me since I'm single and alone, it is probably better it passed without notice.

But it was another day everything ticked down. Another day I worried more and more. Which explains my increasing sadness, but the increasing exhaustion is curious. Maybe it is the slightly reduced food and soda amount, as that's lower calories overall, but it feels like I've been on half my normal sleep for a week. I feel just far more exhausted than I should. I hope I'm ok. Maybe it's a cold symptom, as I have been sneezing quite a bit. Whatever is going on it seems all I can do is try to hang on and hopefully make it to better days.

Day 3881 - 2/15 - Not as planned

Today was kind of bad. I originally thought I wouldn't go to school today, but Wednesday the shower was cold, so I just did a quick rinse and skipped most things. I decided to try and shower again today and was just going to stay after that. I got to the pool area and it was almost completely empty, which was odd for the time I got there. Things were open and the water was warm, and a girl and coach were coming in when I came in, so I didn't take the lack of cars as a bad sign. But when I was done the lot was still empty, and the place I normally parked had only three cars. I checked the building and sure enough it was dark and locked when there would normally be classes going on. I didn't think to check yesterday if they'd be closed today in addition to Monday.

So that immediately turned things into a bad day. I had to burn an additional day of gas to go back to the food store, and since I got a micro dinner it seems highly unlikely that will survive until Tuesday, even though my car will basically be a low temperature fridge.

I guess the day wasn't really terrible at the library. Due to pretty extreme depression and ridiculous levels of exhaustion I didn't feel like playing much. I probably played about 1.5 hours all day. I did watch a couple of shows, but mostly I messed around with watching news from people who had early access to my pre-ordered birthday game.

I guess all I can do is continue to try to hang on as best as I can physically and emotionally. I am losing the battle emotionally lately, as I often feel like I am so sad I am going to start crying. But I have to try to hang on, and hopefully I can make it to better days.

Day 3882 - 2/16 - Waiting

Today mostly felt like I am waiting. I'm waiting for just under a week when my super fun pre-ordered birthday game launches. I'm waiting for new shows to unlock because I've seen what is currently posted. I'm waiting for the long weekend to be over to be back at school and have access to the lab to do homeworks. I'm waiting to get a call for a paid survey, though I'm out of time on the phone so it's impossible for them to call.

I guess the day overall was ok, but I feel physically exhausted. I'm still super tired as if I've only slept half as much for several days. I'm still physically drained, as if I had done a big workout. And I'm still emotionally exhausted, as if I've been crying for hours for a few days now.

But I try to hang on. I try to look forward to the good things. I try to hope for positive change. And I try my best to continue to hang on until better days.

Day 3883 - 2/17 - Boon

Today was emotionally down. I again didn't play much, and I'm still current on shows. Mostly I again just looked for news about my pre-ordered game and watched a few streams. It's really mind boggling how many so-called professional streamers know next to nothing about the details of the game they are streaming. And how quickly they go nuts on 'missing features' just to get an audience reaction. It just screams, 'hey audience agree with me, look at me, look at me.'

The gray ghost sent a boon today, which due to the bank holidays likely won't get to my bank until Tuesday or Wednesday, but it's a big help as it's a few weeks of gas, or a bit of gas and some for the car insurance. I'll not put it all into gas right away to see if more help comes and I can make the payment.

So there was a bit of hope today and happiness, but tomorrow will be very tough. School and the library will both be closed, leaving me only the food store for a connection. If it were warmer I might go sit outside of school like I did back in the day. But it's been freezing lately with no signs of warming up anytime soon.

But I try to continue to hang on to hope. And hopefully I can make it to better days.

Day 3884 - 2/18 - The long cold day

Today passed at a snail's pace. It was super cold at the food store. At no point was I ever tempted to take off my hoodie.

There was one extremely scary part of the day where my system got a blue screen error while playing a video and I had to hard reset it, but it performed normally after that (including during heavy load while playing a game.) But I guess that isn't entirely unexpected as it's nearing five years old, which in people years (for a gaming laptop) likely translates to 15 years per year, so 75 people years. Sure, a laptop can get eight, sometimes even ten years old before it fails functioning, but I won't ever be able to keep up with games at some point, a point I'm basically reaching. And the battery is already getting odd drain when not plugged in, another symptom of age.

I guess though I survived the day. And one day survived is hopefully another one closer to recovery. So I try to hang on to hope that I will eventually make it to forever better days.

Day 3885 - 2/19 - Half frozen

Today my car was partly frozen in the morning again. The roof was actually really beautiful. It looked like it was covered in diamonds. Walking outside at the food store and my hands and feet rapidly started getting numb due to the cold.

I checked my Friday micro food and it still held a strong seal and was half frozen from the night. With my car basically being between a fridge and freezer it should hopefully be ok still. I got a slightly bigger dinner just in case I need to toss it.

I'm lowly warming up. And it seems like today should be ok. So I try to stay hopeful and hopefully I can make it to better days.

Week 556

Day 3886 - 2/20 - Annoying scare

Today there was a big scare. I went to pay my car insurance this morning and for some reason it gave an error and then it triple charged me. Thankfully both the bank and the insurance company responded to my panicked messages, and it will hopefully be corrected before it officially hits my account. (They just show pending now.) And if it does, the bank is already aware, so things should get reversed quickly.

Yesterday I got another donation, so added to the Gray ghost's help I could barely pay the car insurance.

I am super down overall though today. Last night I got a notice about needing to renew the insurance membership, which along with other things like domain names and car registration means I'll basically need $140 a month for March, April, May, and June to pay for everything. I don't know how I'll get it, especially with not even $10 extra to get time back on my phone.

So today I have felt very lost, very heartbroken about the near future, and very helpless in meeting all the costs.

But, as always, I try to hang on. And hopefully help will come to cover at least some of those.

Day 3887 - 2/21 - Pew pew release

Today was mostly slow and sad. The day felt like it was moving pretty slowly until the evening. At 7 my evening show started and so I was watching that. And I checked the game release and it said it was indeed still set for 9. But when I checked back a couple of minutes after 8 the 'play' button was highlighted and I jumped in nearly an hour early. I'm glad I decided to keep an eye on it, as it got me an extra bit of play I otherwise wouldn't have gotten.

My bank seems to have hidden the pending charges, as all three disappeared from the listing. I expect tomorrow or the next day the proper charges will show up and I'll be back down to like $0.10. I barely have about half a week of gas though, so that is extremely worrisome, as I'll have to burn nearly all of that to get what I can from the recycle. With having only under half of my normal recycle amount I'd be extremely surprised if it recovered that cost and got much more than $5, meaning I may not have enough to keep driving.

I guess, as usual, all I can do is continue to hope help and donations come, as the last donations had to be spent on car insurance and almost none was left for gas. For the moment my super fun birthday game should be a nice distraction, and hopefully I can hang on until more help comes.

Day 3888 - 2/22 - Crying

Today ended in tears. I have a half of a week of gas left in my car, meaning I need to recycle in the morning to try and get some money. But with it costing $3 to get there and back, with as little as I have to recycle, it seems highly unlikely my gain will be more than $2-3. Meaning probably Tuesday or Wednesday I have to seriously consider leaving my car parked, putting things at extremely high risk from that point on. When I was hugging my bunnies for the night I cried at how I don't even have enough these days to always have $8 in gas each week.

And what's worse is there was a special meeting event thing at school, after which the professor I TA for basically begged me to 'help' clean up, which I effectively wound up doing all of it because she was distracted talking to people. It wasn't much really, just like 6-8 trips across the room trashing unwanted food. But when I told her about being out of gas and needing to recycle tomorrow her response was, 'that sucks'. And while she did look and sound heartbroken to hear it, I still can't help but feel unwanted and not valued at all. It's like this person who has helped you for like four years (probably five if we count the time I wasn't technically able to help directly), volunteering six hours a week this quarter, twelve or more on average most quarters, constantly being friendly and listening to your troubles acting sort of as a counselor, and that is your reply? No, 'omg here let me help with what I can?' No, 'oh let's go to the gas station and let me fill your tank,' nothing? Another professor in a somewhat related department on the same floor has three paid TAs at $15 an hour, yet I am considered not worth helping in such desperate times? It seriously makes me regret sticking around and helping. And the more sad thing is I feel even more sad and lonely and worthless if I'm not helping.

So tonight ended with my feeling worthless, alone, discarded, and looking at being out of gas and needing to walk everywhere, putting what little is left at risk.

I try to continue to prey help comes in time, but barely being able to hold on it is becoming more and more difficult to hold it together and stay hopeful.

Day 3889 - 2/23 - More than hoped

Today there was a little bit of happiness. It started in the morning with the trip to the recycle. I got there in about 15-20 minutes, which is about the fastest I can hope for. When I got the receipt I got back what I'd used to get there and about a touch more than one week of gas, which was double my estimate. (Though I will still have to seriously consider leaving the car unmoving in less than a week.)

The next happy thing was that I could connect and play at the library. And I played and played and the connection stayed strong. At about 2:45 it started to deteriorate, and by 3 I had been dropping every 5 minutes. But those almost 5 hours I played were about double what I'd hoped I'd get to play. An, it was way more than the zero I could play the last few weeks because of instability. So hopefully the library will be just as stable tomorrow and I can again play a lot. At least it's a very good sign that on the good days playing is an option.

So, for the moment I feel hopeful. But I know so many bills are rapidly approaching and I'm sure soon I'll again feel the weight of depression and worry about how I have nothing to pay them with. But I try to hang on to hope that help will come. Hopefully it will soon. And hopefully I can continue to hang on until it does.

Day 3890 - 2/24 - Not much

Today not much happened. I got to play just a little at the food store before the library time. I was hoping to do an air dry of my stinky cloths, but I forgot to save the $0.25 to do it when I put everything into gas. During my library time I almost got to play as much as yesterday. The connection started dropping me around 1:45, so I was off for the day by just after 2. I guess it was ok as I had an extra show to watch that took up the rest of the time.

I guess the day was ok, but having skipped my shower Friday I am feeling scruffy and stinky, and extra sad about my smells on my cloths which are all basically two months dirty. Each week I get a clean underwear and socks, but now basically the last pair will be put on in the morning. The outer layers are all weeks dirty. They don't really smell like butt or anything, but they definitely don't smell freshly cleaned. And with not even gas money for each week, and all the extra bills coming, I have no idea when I will be able to do a wash.

I may have caught a new cold too during that big event Friday night. Yesterday and today I've been sneezing and a bit hungrier and more tired than usual.

But I try to hang on to the fun memories of my game playing. I try to look forward to micro food tomorrow. And I try to hang on and hopefully help and donations and opportunity will come and I can make it to better days.

Day 3891 - 2/25 - Oncoming storm

Today was good and bad. It was bad in that in the back of my mind I was constantly worrying about bills. But it was good in that I got to play my new game most of the day. Though I think the connection at school was suffering an odd load as I disconnected from my game several times and was unstable to the point that I didn't trust doing group activities, which limited what I could do.

I feel completely exhausted today. Much of the day I felt like I was going to flop over and fall asleep. I think it's because of whatever cold I caught on Friday. It's made my ears ring and a bit itchy inside, and a pretty excessive level of hungry and tired.

But I guess I made it through the day. And with each day survived there is another chance to recover. So I try to hang on to hope, hopefully help and donations come, and I can make it to better days.

Day 3892 - 2/26 - Wind and sprinkles

Today is super windy and just a touch of light sprinkles. It seems it's not quite there yet, but it could start probably later.

I'm still super tired from my cold, but I have a short class and then later I have to spend a bit of time on a project, so I'll be pretty busy. But hopefully I'll at least get a little time to play and watch some later.

Hopefully help and donations come. I'm very worried about bills and don't know how I'll do without. But hopefully it will and I can hang on until better days.

Comments and stuff Copyright E. Stryker 2008-2019
Pictures for Epic Fail are taken by me. :)

flash required for the logo
best viewed at 1280 wide resolution or higher