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Epic Fail: The Journal of a Homeless Gamer
Book 11: It Goes to Eleven

This is my journal I wrote during the time I was homeless. It is broken up by week for easier reading. Feel free to read it on the web or download the complete .pdf version and print it for reading offline.

Week 527

Day 3683 - 8/1 - Brief return

Today seemed pretty good. No jobs to apply to, and no word on the one I applied for. But, there was another pre-screening I guess you could say for a survey that is the Friday after this one. We'll see if that pans out.

I have very briefly gone back to my shooter. I'm still sad they failed to fulfill so many of their promises. There is a special event with special collectables to 'celebrate' the 'first year'. The requirements to upgrade the gear to be worth something are either stupid grindy or require things that I can't do. (Like do events with your 'clan'.) So I'll probably grind through the basic set to the intermediate and then stop playing again. It's been five months since I last played and it's still as difficult as ever for someone who's solo to do anything. Hardly anyone is in the zones, making public group events impossible. And I expect no one is queuing for the group activities. So it's a fun return, but it seems most have abandoned the game. That, or are not doing anything outside their regular group of friends.

I still have plenty of other things to do. My card game I rarely play (yet am still an MVP on the forums for) has an expansion coming next week, and I have enough in-game free gold acquired to get 25 card packs when it comes out, which is a lot, so that's good. That's more saved than I've ever had before. And the MMO I play has a DLC expansion the week after that. I think I'll have enough to be ok to get that as an early birthday present, as well as spending a bit added to the gift card money I have to pre-order something for my birthday that comes out early next year. We'll have to see when we get there in a couple weeks.

But I guess today was ok. Mostly the library days are starting to blur together. It has become less about the day and more about the blurred routine of morning, afternoon, and evening. The only way I even have a clue what day it is is when I remember there is no night at the library because it's Saturday or Sunday.

But, as fearful and shaken as I remain these days (still having small panic attacks about death ) I survived the day ok. I try to remain hopeful for opportunity and that help will come. And I try to hang on until better days.

Day 3684 - 8/2 - Wanted alone time

Today I felt a bit sad. I was still pretty sick, but lately my congestion has cleared a bit. But today, I don't know, I felt sad. I guess I felt abandoned. Though I have hope, I guess I kind of felt a bit helpless and defeated. I wanted to be alone. I guess because I felt alone.

I spent only half of the time I normally would playing. I just didn't want to be around people. And even though no one really interacts with me in my MMO there isn't a way to shut them out completely. So I spent about half my day not in my game.

I guess today was ok overall, but it was one of the two days where I really felt homeless and lost.

Day 3685 - 8/3 - Happy to sad

Today was pretty happy in the morning. I decided Monday I'd park on campus to shower. Yesterday when I was on the big walk I saw some 30 minute spots right outside of the pool area just off to the side. That would only be about a 2-3 minute walk instead of the 5-7 across campus to the other spots I knew of, or the 10 minutes across to the store on the other corner. I'm sure my shower would be that quick. And, if I ran over it likely wouldn't even be noticed. I've not seen any security on campus during any of my summer visits. I'm sure they are there. But it's likely they are at half or even a quarter of the normal staff since it's summer. (Even fewer in coming days since it's finals week that week.)

So with that decision past me I started my morning and had some fun. I did some more of the special event stuff in the shooter game, but I think at this point I'm back to where I was disagreeing with their plan. They have 'year 2 content' coming soon which requires a minimum of a $40 purchase, and then two DLC expansions during the year at $20 a piece, so $75 if you get it all at once in advance. And I've never seen any other game basically say, 'hey, we made this game you might like, pay us $75 a year to play it.' Sure, MMOs in the past have had subscription required models, which would be more expensive, but this is tiny add-on content you'll basically be done with in half a dozen hours. After that you are just repeating the same thing over and over and over. And now, pretty much every other new game coming out is saying the exact opposite, saying they are stepping away from those models and back to supporting games with new content free. So that decision felt a bit sad. Both in that I feel forced into 'down voting' what could be a good game by not buying their content past 'year 1', but I also feel let down by them after so many promises and reassurances they would fix what went wrong with the first set of content.

But most of the day I had fun in my MMO and watched a few things. I was a bit congested, yet still sneezy and not totally clearly breathing yet.

Leaving the library I felt very sad. I didn't want to go. But more so I didn't want to start my homeless time. I wanted to continue what I was doing. I wanted to do other things after. I wanted to be warm, not cold, and to be wearing just a single T-shirt and shorts, not the triple winter layers I was wearing because the library blasts the AC. I wanted to have calm and quiet time and a quick shower rinse before getting in bed to sleep.

But I can't do that. And as much as I hope things turn around, they seem to only be getting worse.

But I try to hang on. And I try to remember that each day is its own beginning.

Day 3686 - 8/4 - Short day

Today was a day that felt short. It felt like I didn't have the time I should have. Not because the library was closing 2.5 hours early because it's a weekend day, but something more than that. Like I lost two hours in the morning and two additional hours in the evening.

I guess it may just be because I'm sick and stuffed up, resulting in a continuing layer of confusion. Maybe it's because the past few days my brain has obsessed about small things, and so I had more micro-panic attacks and thoughts of death and isolation.

I suppose the day is no different than other recent days. I feel the world is quiet and calm around me. And I feel there is more I wanted to do with my day. I wanted to play real life games with friends. I wanted to cook a special food. I wanted to wear different cloths. I wanted to wear less cloths, shedding the physical and metaphorical weight the cold library forces me to wear. I wanted to shower and get clean. And have clean clothes on my clean self.

but they are all things I can't do. And the thoughts are sad thoughts I've had many times before. And I suppose I will continue to have them, even after I recover.

But I continue to stay hopeful. Hopefully I can make it through and continue on. As long as I can continue, each day is a chance.

Day 3687 - 8/5 - On the side of the road

Today started extremely sad. It made me cry a little bit. I was on my way to the library and on the side of the road, laying down, maybe two feet from the grassy walkway was the black furred form of an adult kitty. They looked like they were probably hit. I didn't see any damage or blood, but I didn't stop to investigate. Part of me wanted to turn back and check, at least put the kitty in the grass off the road. But there were too many what ifs. What if they still lived and were suffering? What if they were gone? If they had a collar would I call the owner? Would I be blamed for the death? What if they were barely hanging on and I was there when they died? Would that comfort them, or make them more afraid?

I hope they were at peace. I don't know how I could be if my end came in fear and terror. And seeing the kitty has shaken me again. Though I don't know that I have stopped thinking of death since my first big scare. I am constantly worried. Even though there are few reasons I'd not get my remaining 40 years I am getting so sad now that at least once a week I'm on the verge of tears, or do cry, and it's always in the back of my mind. Seeing the count on the Fail days; knowing I have four times that left, or more likely, less.

I tried to have fun in my game and watching shows, and I did to some degree. But mostly the thought of the kitty laying there, their black fur gently blowing in the wind, their chest not moving, never left my mind.

But hopefully I can let it go as time goes on. Hopefully I can return to enough of a life to stop counting my remaining days. Hopefully I can at least reset things as I sleep. And tomorrow, being a new day, the cycle can be renewed.

Day 3688 - 8/6 - Mostly warm

Today was mostly pretty good. I am still shaken from the kitty, especially since I didn't see them again this morning. I can hope that means they were seen and rescued, but that seems unlikely.

I parked in the 30 minute spot and showered. It felt weird. It always feels weird to be on campus when I have no classes, but there isn't really any choice. I discovered years ago there wasn't any public gym type place in the area to shower at free.

The day was mostly warm, or was supposedly so. It was pretty warm in the morning and there were clear skies and reports it was warm, so I'm sure it was. I was colder than I'd liked to have been, but that's to be expected.

I guess I had an ok day. I had fun in my game and watched shows. I'd have liked more, but since I can't have more it had to be enough.

All I can do is try to stay hopeful and hang on. And hopefully there are better days ahead.

Day 3689 - 8/7 - Correct dosage

Today I have no real congestion so far. Well, there is some deep inside with a bit of sneezing, but I can breathe easy and clear. More and more lately I've been using a nose spray. It seemed to have less and less of an effect, so last night I checked the maximum dosage. It turns out all this time I was using an incorrect dosage of one spray, when a normal dose is 2-3 at once. After three sprays last night I could feel it slowly clearing over 15 minutes. Now about 12 hours later, I'm still clear. Yay.

I guess I feel ok other than that. I'm exhausted. Maybe it's because of bad dreams about packing and moving (when I was young), or other bad dreams about being on a beach in Hawaii with warm white sands and nice weather and being forced to leave (never actually been there.)

Even though it hasn't really started yet, I think today should be ok. So I try to hang on and hope for opportunity and help or donations. And I continue to try and hang on until better days.

Week 528

Day 3690 - 8/8 - The forgotten day

Today is not actually today, as I am writing this the day after. Apparently Wednesday was normal and forgetful enough I forgot to write about it in the evening. I remember being sad about money. I remember being worried about my sad things. I remember being disappointed in some group activities in my game that I tried to do. I remember being sad and feeling like I wanted to be alone to the point of leaving my games a few hours early and just watching shows for the night.

I guess it was just another day.

Day 3691 - 8/9 - Surprise early birthday

Today was pretty good. In the morning I got a surprise in that someone got me something off my wish list that was on sale as an early birthday present. It was super nice and unexpected. I'd recently been feeling down about it. I did get myself something yesterday, but it felt more necessary than an actual gift. I was sad about maybe having enough or not enough for another planned gift. Then there was this surprise, so that was super nice.

I'm getting more congested and sneezy again. I can push it back with the nose spray, but unlike the previous day or two I kind of had to push maximum daily dose or go a touch over to keep things at bay. Instead of every 12 hours per dose I'm pushing 8 or as few as 6. And there were quite a few sneezes today too.

I guess overall the day wasn't too terrible. The early gift cheered me up greatly. Though sad thoughts were always on my mind, pushing down the happy thoughts. But I tried to stay positive. I tried to stay hopeful. And hopefully help will continue to come and I can make it through to forever better days.

Day 3692 - 8/10 - Feeling congested and hopeful

Today I had a kind of bad time in my online game. I again tried to do a harder thing and people failed and immediately rage quit, so that was bad. I decided to stop playing shortly after that since I have so little to gain and so many shows to watch.

I watched my shows, and one of them was a stream of people playing a game and having super silly fun, so that cheered me up a bit.

While I am still worried about everything, and still more fearful of death these days than not, for some reason I feel hopeful. I feel like I will win one of the laptops in the contests I entered. I feel like things will be ok for my birthday. I feel like things will be ok with my food money and they won't disqualify me. And I feel like, in general, things will be ok soon.

There is no reason or basis for any of that. I am super sick and sneezy again. Nothing has changed to make my life better. But maybe it's the game news stream I watched this morning and some excited energy rubbed off on me. Maybe it's the nicer weather. Maybe it's even just finding easier and better parking, reducing the distance I'm hurting by walking, who knows. But I feel a bit more hopeful today. And that is something. Hopefully I can continue to hang on until better days.

Day 3693 - 8/11 - Congested blur

Today was pretty much a congested blur. I mean, I remember the bigger moments, but mostly it's just a day, and all a blur in my mind. My eyes are a bit extra blurry and not focusing. I think that is also due to exhaustion and my cold (or allergies or whatever they were.) I'm pretty exhausted too, yet lost about two or three hours not sleeping last night. I guess due to just being worried about stuff and things.

But I suppose the day wasn't terrible. I made it through. I will hopefully continue to be ok and can hang on to hope. And hopefully help will come and I will make it to better days.

Day 3694 - 8/12 - So tired

Today went pretty quickly. I suppose not in a bad sense, more in a being sad it's over sense in that I'd have liked to have done more with it. But then, what I wanted to do were things I can't do due to my sad life limitations.

I suppose part of it is that I feel completely exhausted, again. My eyelids have barely been able to stay open, and my eyes unfocused. I'm sleeping well enough, but I'm not getting to sleep quickly, and waking up early, adding up to lost hours of sleep each night.

But the day was ok. It didn't get worse. Of course it was not better. But then there is only so much that can actually get better due to limited opportunity. But I felt ok on the surface. And I remain hopeful. So I continue to hope for better days ahead.

Day 3695 - 8/13 - The source of pain

Today I discovered something very sad. I mean, it's nothing I didn't expect, just one of the things where the reality of it just didn't sink in. You ignore it because you hope it will get better even though you know it won't. I've had a lot of tooth pain lately. Today my lower left wisdom tooth has felt off. I checked maybe an hour ago and it's corrupt to the point of being super wiggly. So, no doubt, the recent pain is because what is left is loose to the point of getting pushed at different angles when chewing on that side. Since I already lost the one next to that means two of the four chewing teeth on the bottom in that area will be gone. Tooth wise that means that 12.5% of the bottom will be gone. (Not counting the disappearance of I guess my last baby tooth I lost a few years ago.) But feeling with my tongue it feels more like it would be 25%. And again, it seems the end of chewing on the left side.

I feel like I'm five and I want to curl up and cry until my mom makes it magically better. Part of me wants to force it out. It's wiggly, but not loose enough to pop out yet. And I feel like if I feel it come out, especially while eating, I'd throw up. Feeling your body rot and fall apart like that is the worst feeling. Especially since I know even if I get back to a regular life that cant return to a healthy state like the rest of me might. That would be lost and gone forever, no matter what. Even if I were wealthy enough to replace it with fake teeth, until genetic regrowth is an option I would know they would be fake.

There is also weird job news. I have set up a half hour "oral interview" with the local city for the job I applied to. It's weird because it feels like a massive step backwards, like I'm surrendering. It would be the same job I was doing before, just at a different building, and a different city. But the same dead end limited part-time going nowhere not in a work path job that I had before. Sure, it would cover food, maybe if I saved up as much as I could a laptop in about six months. But it would never be able to pay rent. It wouldn't even be enough to pay for a single room in a shared house with prices around here. So while I need something for income, I would prefer a step potentially forward.

So today seems bad. A bad reminder of things I am losing because of my sad life. And while a job and income is needed, if that one were to be what I got it feels emotionally like a huge step backwards, like everything I'd been working towards in school is wasted.

But I try to hang on. Teeth, as sad as they are to lose, can be replaced. And each day I continue I have a chance to recover if opportunity comes. So I continue to hope for opportunity for forward steps. And I continue to hope things are better ahead of me and I don't need to go backwards.

Day 3696 - 8/14 - Stuffped up to being woken up

Today I am pretty sleepy. About three times last night I was so snifly I woke up during the night. Not just interrupted sleep kind of awake, but the fully awake and alert kind.

It's a bit gray and overcast, which I love the warm weather but if I'm inside where I can't enjoy it a bit overcast and rainy would be better (emotionally).

Hopefully my sniffles will go away soon. Hopefully today will be calm and quiet. And hopefully I can hang on and make it to better days.

Comments and stuff Copyright E. Stryker 2008-2018
Pictures for Epic Fail are taken by me. :)

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