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Epic Fail: The Journal of a Homeless Gamer
Book 11: It Goes to Eleven

This is my journal I wrote during the time I was homeless. It is broken up by week for easier reading. Feel free to read it on the web or download the complete .pdf version and print it for reading offline.

Week 549

Day 3837 - 1/2 - Another 10% lost

Today I am feeling very sad. I was almost out of gas, so to even have minimal gas for another week I had to drain another 10% from my reserved pre-order birthday money. That dropped me down to 50% with just about five weeks to get it back. Without help or a call for a paid survey I don't see how I'll ever re-secure it before launch.

My day started really good, because school is open so I took a much needed shower. All my parts are shaved and clean again. It makes such an incredible difference being able to be properly showered and shaved. But with having no money that happiness didn't last long, as I may soon be faced with no gas and be forced to walk to school, bus if I'm lucky and can still get that student deal, effectively killing my ability to stay clean and shaved without extreme effort.

My day at the library also wasn't the best. I was warm enough, so that was a nice change, but the bandwidth started to go to garbage as early as noon, and I was having difficulty playing even the least demanding online game.

I suppose I made it through the day though. And in spite of massive depression that was always on my mind, I had a fun time when I could game, and I was warm enough (though not as warm as I'd have liked.) All I can do now is keep continuing to hope some Xmas money comes to help re-secure my birthday pre-order and get gas, and that maybe one or both January paid surveys pan out and I get a call to do them. Until then, all I can do is hope.

Day 3838 - 1/3 - Maybe another way

Today was slow and sad. I still feel sad about all the things. My cold continues to linger. And again the bandwidth got pretty bad starting as early as noon. I guess there are enough people still on vacation that it's almost like a weekend load. I expect the same tomorrow.

In good news I got a surprise gift card money from my dad. And the online store now has a pre-order page for my birthday game. I've set it up to alert me when it's a real pre-order page. At that point I can probably just pre-order it with the gift card money I have and cancel my cash pre-order (since the cash was never taken and I'm now down to 50% of what's needed.) It would be the basic edition, and I'd lose several pre-order things by doing that, but at least I would still have the game. I guess we'll see what happens in the future.

I guess today wasn't completely terrible. I was warmish most of the day, and I played and watched a few shows. While I was very sad, nothing new bad happened, and I did make it through the day. So for now I try to hang on to the good things, hang on to hope, and hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.

Day 3839 - 1/4 - Getting very cold

Today was another day that started out too cold. For the past almost week it's been super cold at night and frost has been on the car in the morning. Thankfully January is the coldest month here, so things should only stay this cold for a week or two before we start back towards warm weather again.

I guess today was ok, but again the bandwidth started to get pretty bad as early as noon. I did manage to mostly play my games and in the evening when watching a show enough people had left that it was pretty clear again.

But I obsessed over death again. And with the upcoming bills and no money I couldn't help but fixate on loss, which of course leads to thoughts about death. I guess it maybe started in the morning when waking up from a dream where I had felt I had died. In that between state my brain thought how I'd 'be ok with it' since I wouldn't have realized I'd died. So today has been a pretty rough day emotionally.

But I guess I made it through ok. And as long as I live another day that is another chance for change to come. So I try to hang on. And hopefully help and donations come in time before bad things catch up.

Day 3840 - 1/5 - The snorter

Today was ok I guess for the most part. There was a guy snorting and being super disgusting across from the table from me most of the day. After the 10th time I told him he had to seriously stop because it was super disgusting. He mostly stopped but did it a few more times over the next hours. I was on the verge of telling him to gtfo and go to a different table. I get it, he's sick, but if you are that sick don't come to the library.

I guess my day was ok other than that. There were no donations and I need to do laundry, so I had to again pull some money out of my pre-ordered birthday gift. At this point it's probably not even 40%. It seems any real chance to keep the game will be to liquidate what's left from cash and buy it with the online store money. I really don't want to do that though because those were both monies given for gifts and that would mean one of them was lost to everyday things. What should be two gifts would be turned into only one. But without more help, or a paid survey, I probably won't have a choice.

So I felt sad overall. I felt sad there was someone disgusting at my table. And my overall sad life felt more sad than usual. But I suppose I survived the day. And I guess that's something.

Day 3841 - 1/6 - Downpour

Today it has been raining all day. It kind of even started last night. It was actually kind of nice to be in the library and look outside and see the rain on the ground. Back in the day when I was in my room on days like this I'd open my window blinds and maybe even peek the window open just a tiny bit to hear and smell the rain. There was a tree just across the walkway, just a few feet from the window, so I could see the rain hitting the leaves.

I guess my day was ok. The connection was tolerable. It wasn't amazing, but it wasn't as bad as it could have been on a weekend day. I'd guess that was due to a slightly lighter load due to the rain.

Tomorrow is the first day of the new quarter. The break has felt more like five months than it has five weeks. I don't really expect anything different than usual to happen. Really the things I care about the most are a shower to get shaved and clean and having access to micro food again. It's not real cooked food, but at least freshly microed is a big step above lunchmeat type food.

I did have to take a tiny bit more from my birthday pre-order reserved money for laundry, but it wasn't a huge amount. But then, since it's been steadily drained and not always replaced I suppose any drain is a big deal.

But I made it through the day. I am dry enough. I am warm enough. And I wasn't quite as sad or focused on death as I have been lately, so I suppose that's something.

Day 3842 - 1/7 - A tired start

Today was a very tired start to the new quarter. I got up about an hour earlier than I have been during the break. Thankfully I only need to do that four days a week. I did my TA thing for three hours in the morning, then had a few hours break and played a bit and watched part of a show, and then had a 4.5 hour long evening class. Which, foooooo, made me sooooo tired. Evening classes are the worst.

I realized tomorrow I have class in the morning. Hopefully I can do my writing quickly enough to post. It starts a little earlier than I normally get there, so I may barely have enough time to get there and no more. So if you are a regular reader, it may start to get posted around noon PST instead of the previous 9 am PST.

I guess today was ok. The business kept my mind off death and sadness, so I was sufficiently distracted. Which I guess is good. At least as long as help or opportunity come in the future. Today neither came, so I have to hang on.

Day 3843 - 1/8 - Early quiet time

Today is my second class. The professor opened a bit early at 30 minutes before it starts, so there are just three of us here being super quiet. It's in page layout, so it's kind of a step backwards for me in terms of career. But my steps forward don't seem to be panning out. I feel a bit lost, but more like what I'm doing isn't helping.

I am getting a bit too warm at the moment, as the classroom is warm and I have my winter layers on, but I should cool quickly. I'd rather be too warm than too cold.

I don't know what the day will hold, but hopefully it will turn out ok. I'm super tired and not used to this schedule. Hopefully I will be soon and get better sleep. But for the moment I try to hold on to help that help will come and bills can get taken care of, and I can hang on until better days.

Week 550

Day 3844 - 1/9 - Migraine level headaches

Today the ground was progressively more wet every time I left the building, but it never more than very lightly sprinkled on me. I guess I got lucky and missed the actual rains.

A few times this week I've had massive migraine level headaches. The kind where you feel like throwing up and your eyes go blind because you have spots that take like an hour to fully clear. My lower back is on the edge of locking up. There is too much sadness and stress over money. If a couple of paid surveys pan out I'll be ok, but if not I don't know how I'll get through even just the rest of this month.

I don't really know what else to say. I need help very badly and it seems I am forging into the new year alone.

Day 3845 - 1/10 - Lightly wet

Today was ok. Class passed quickly and after class the professor/friend said he was glad to have me and appreciated my comments/observations.

Other than that my day was very sad. It was mildly raining, very misty. But I'm still on the verge of extreme sadness and pain with migraines, dizziness, and back problems. Hopefully I will get called for a paid survey because I don't know what to do. In previous years there were two people who tended to send bigger donations near Xmas time who didn't this year, so that was a big hit that's set me behind usual on bills. Things are coming up very rapidly and I have no idea how I will pay them. My car is completely on empty, and while I have cans to recycle it's unlikely to get me more than two weeks, and more likely will be closer to one.

So every day lately has been extremely stressful, as it seems even the most basic things like gas and my monthly bank fee aren't getting taken care of, let alone bigger things like $40 a month for car insurance. It seems I have to just keep hoping, and hopefully help will come in time and I can continue to hang on until then.

Day 3846 - 1/11 - Numb from sad

Today I have too many sads. There was so much sad that after about 45 minutes in the library my brain just shut off nearly all emotion so I could get through the day.

There were no donations, so I am still forced to get what I can from recycling in the morning. I fear it won't be much more than one week.

I guess I did survive the day though. And with that I will hopefully wake up in the morning and another chance for change will come. And hopefully I can hang on until it does.

Day 3847 - 1/12 - Started sad, ended meh

Today started pretty sad. I had to spend too much time and gas doing the recycle to try and get a couple of weeks of gas. When I got to the library I was still very worried about the bills, so again my brain told my emotions to shut off.

By the early afternoon the connection had become complete garbage, mostly it was completely unstable to the point of not being able to stay connected to games. I decided to try and do homework that's due Tuesday.

The homework actually cheered me up a bit. It is a research homework to look at pictures and ideas for something we will be working on through the quarter. I had picked a restaurant, so I was looking at restaurant locations, websites, and nicer looking food.

It did make me a bit sad though as it's been about 20 years since I had friends and money to go eat out at such places. But it did make me feel a bit happier remembering those times, even though I've basically fallen out with those friends (and don't have money for gas for a week, let alone double that to go to such a place to eat.)

I guess after the homework I felt a bit happier, but playing my games was still more a numb or neutral feeling than the happy or excited I otherwise would be.

But, as always, I guess all I can do is try to continue to hang on to hope that help and donations come in time. And try to hang on until they do.

Day 3848 - 1/13 - A bit fun

Today was pretty sad. Still no donations or calls for paid surveys. And, by noon the connection was getting terrible, with it completely disconnecting and lagging games by 1:30.

I spent an unusually high amount of time watching videos of a PC convention that was going on during last week and into the weekend. The two reviewers I watched were having a bit of fun with it, as you do when you have to put out so many videos so quickly. I think that helped cheer me up a bit.

Also, because of some of the news I changed a few things on my hardware site. Which I guess also put me into a better mood. It started as a sort of wish list with reasons why I chose a thing, and over the years I've been able to use very little of my information because my life is so terrible, but it did cheer me up a bit thinking of it again in a wish list what if kind of way.

So I was a bit happier today, but with still no donations I am very very worried for the near future. But all I can do is continue to hang on until help comes.

Day 3849 - 1/14 - How are you doing

Today I felt upset at my professor I help. She had asked how I was doing. Thankfully a student interrupted and I didn't get to answer because I kind of felt angered by the question. She knows I'm homeless. I've been unemployed for probably 75% of the entire time I've known her, and she knows it. Every time she asks I answer things are the worst ever and just getting worse. Yet she will do things like complain about her life and her problems as if I were a counselor without even a thank you for listening after. I help six hours a week without a thank you or that she genuinely appreciates me. And she tells me things like there is probably 100,000 worth of equipment not yet taken out of the boxes which have been sitting like that in the equipment room for nearly a year. Yet years ago she promised to get me some kind of compensation and has never followed through. I don't count as valuable like equipment would? Even just half of what I would need to survive in a month, $100, would only be $4 an hour, compared to roughly 10k in purchases during that month. Fooooo it makes me upset to think about.

The only reason I don't say this out loud to her is it's really for the students. So they can be better, and for me, because I know they appreciate me even if they don't say thanks.

Not much else to say for tonight. Though I did remember the beautiful redhead was sitting near my spot for a bit again. She's been there regularly this quarter again, yet still doesn't seem to have a class on the floor. And a very beautiful girl introduced herself to me because she's seen me around and a mutual person stopped by and was talking to me. We shook hands and her hand was freezing. I felt like hugging her and cuddling to warm her up. I don't know I've felt anyone that cold before who wasn't sick. The evening class was canceled, so I got some extra time. I tried to do an assignment, but it requires a program I'd forgotten I find frustrating to work with, so that was disappointing. But at least I got an extra couple of hours to watch a show and play for a bit, so that's something.

I guess for now I just have to try to hang on, and hope that others do care. And that help will be sent. And maybe I'll get called for a paid survey. And to try my best to hang on in the meantime.

Day 3850 - 1/15 - Rain

Today it's raining. It was most of last night too and I think it permeated into my dreams. In the dream I was staying at a hotel at an amusement park in Florida and was sad because my sweetie had broken up with me. I think I was trying to leave the hotel to go to a fun park thing, but the hotel was surrounded by like three foot deep water.

Today should hopefully be ok. There is the fun class very soon, and later I have a tech stream, a game stream, and a show stream to watch. So, plenty of fun things to watch later. Also, for some unknown reason about $100 extra in food stamp money has appeared on my account. Hopefully that is truly an extra boon and not some kind of mistake or bad sign.

There are no donations yet, and I am very very worried about bills, so I hope help comes soon. And it seems all I can do is hang on until it does.

Comments and stuff Copyright E. Stryker 2008-2019
Pictures for Epic Fail are taken by me. :)

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