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Epic Fail: The Journal of a Homeless Gamer
Book 11: It Goes to Eleven

This is my journal I wrote during the time I was homeless. It is broken up by week for easier reading. Feel free to read it on the web or download the complete .pdf version and print it for reading offline.

Week 547

Day 3823 - 12/19 - Toll on the tummy

Today I am already feeling the toll on my tummy for lunch meat type foods, and it's only day six into break. My tummy isn't completely upset yet, but it is upset more often than not. I'm trying to consider non-lunchmeat meals, but my tummy doesn't like a lot of the options. (Like nuts or beans.) I may consider cheese, but really that completely wrecks me more than lunchmeat. I guess I'll have to hope for the best in the morning when tummy tell me what it wants at the store.

I guess today was ok. The bandwidth was a bit better, though things were still not ideal from about 2 on. I did get something to try and play offline, so if that gets real bad I may do that. There are two online games in testing that I'd like to get into, but I think that both may be on hold during the holidays and are not doing more until January. So I just have to wait for that, as it's my only new thing coming. (Not counting any Xmas gifts, or my birthday pre-ordered game in February, provided I can get back up to the full amount needed for that.)

I suppose the important thing is I survived the day. I have food. I am warm enough. I have some games. And I have a few presents. For a terribly sad and homeless life things are mostly ok, for the moment. So I continue to try to hang on.

Day 3824 - 12/20 - Different

Today was done differently. There was no real good news (just a possible paid survey happening all through January), but I suppose nothing bad happened either. I spent the day doing several different things (than normal). I started with my usual game for a bit in the morning, but after that my brain wanted different things. I watched some game news videos. I watched a stream of a game I will hopefully have pre-ordered for my birthday. (I still only have 60% left of what was once 100% for that.) And after that I read some other news and played things I don't normally play.

I guess I felt pretty ok for the sad holiday time. I did feel extra sad during the game stream, both because I am not guaranteed my pre-order will stand, but more so because I know my system can't handle the game like they showed it running in the stream. The very sad part of that is a laptop that could is only about $1000. I'd still like a fancier one at about $1500, but that lower one would be a massive upgrade and I'd be able to play new games just fine. But I don't have the $80 to secure the game pre-order, let alone the 1k for a laptop upgrade.

I guess I still feel a bit up because I have a few presents and my food money is secure for another year. But I am a bit down due to the holidays, and the ever increasing inability to play the new games coming out in the near future. But I try to hang on to hope. I hope help and opportunity come. And hopefully I can make it to better days.

Day 3825 - 12/21 - Return of the rain

Today the rain returned. Not the full downpour of a few weeks ago, more just a sprinkle a few times during the day, but it's back.

My tummy was getting upset at the lunchmeat today. It was not great to begin with a few days ago when I got it new either. I don't know if my tummy can't handle lunchmeat anymore, or if it's related to the acid event that happened a while ago. At this point the acid change has resulted in my drinking about 1/3 the soda I used to. I'll frequently only drink two or three a day compared to four to six of just about a month ago. I don't know if the acid change is permanent or a result of my being homeless and not eating properly for years. (Maybe an ulcer? Though I've heard people who can't cook regularly live on micro food, which sounds crazy.) I guess that can't be answered until six months or more of eating regular cooked food again. Who knows when that will happen. I think I may just get fruit tomorrow and a bread and have that settle my tummy. What to eat on breaks is becoming more and more challenging since many dry food options aren't things I'd eat. (Nuts, trail mix, etc.)

But I guess today was sort of good. I had a new game to test for a few hours, so that was pretty fun. And someone mentioned a free game, which isn't really my kind of thing, but it was free and seemed ok, so that's fun for a bit. And though bad for a couple of hours, after about six the library completely emptied. So I expect the speed should be fast and stable until the New Year when kids are back in school and schedules are regular again. I may be coming down with a cold though. I've been sneezy, have a messed up throat, and my eyes are itchy. But I feel slightly less sad than usual, and hopeful for the future. So I try to stay positive, and hopefully donations and help come, and I can hang on until better days.

Day 3826 - 12/22 - Early dinner

Today I decided to have my previously planned Xmas Eve dinner tonight. The more I thought about it the more I was getting worried. In previous years when I tried that I'd missed it because they closed early. I didn't want that to happen because then I'd be hungry and sad.

I guess the day was ok other than that. The bandwidth was pretty bad just after noon, but most of the day the library was almost completely empty. I felt weird though. Not because it was empty. I'm not really sure why. But I didn't really feel like doing regular things. I played different games mostly, and I killed a lot of time looking at various game videos.

I got a donation today, which was super happy. I'd really like to get a game that's on sale for $9, so I keep at least part of that. But with my parking permit for next quarter unpaid, no gas money, and my birthday present still not re-secured, among other costs, the money really should go to the parking permit. I hate having to spend special nice gift money on day-to-day things that will be gone (in this case in three months), but I really don't have other options. While there are two paid surveys this month I'm hoping to get into, it's been years since I actually got into one. So it seems pretty unlikely I could count on either of those panning out.

I guess the day wasn't too terrible though. I had some nice fruit for lunch, then a supper yummy special fast food dinner. (Which was likely extra important to have now since my cold seems to be getting much worse.) The library was chilly part of the time, but it was warm enough. So I try to hold on to hope for better days ahead.

Day 3827 - 12/23 - Eve's Eve

Today is Xmas Eve's Eve. I have my three wrapped presents to look forward to soon, but not much else. The library bandwidth was too dead to play on past about 1, and it's closed entirely on Xmas.

I guess the day was ok other than that. But my cold has gotten pretty bad. My nose is runny and sneezy, and my mouth and throat feel very scratched up. My tummy is a bit off too, but I'm eating very gentle food to try and manage that.

I survived the day, and that is something these days. So I try to stay positive, and hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.

Day 3828 - 12/24 - Eve proper

Today I got the on sale game I was hoping for. Someone sent a small donation, so between the two recent ones it was enough to set aside the $9 for it since that would be 'safe enough'. And so I have one of my favorite super fun classic arcade games done in new school style.

Tomorrow morning I'll open my presents. I am pretty sure I know what two are, and I thinnnk I know what the third is. But I'm excited to see them. I suppose technically I don't have to wait, but it seems important. Maybe because it's one of the few traditions I can hang on to that help me feel somewhat normal.

I'm still super sick. I've been sneezing several times an hour. But my throat and the back of my mouth are torn up feeling, as if I had soup that was way too hot and burned it. My eyes feel a bit itchy, but now it's more a slight ear ringing and dizziness that is coming to the forefront.

But I made it through the day. So I try to continue to hang on to hope for the future.

Day 3829 - 12/25 - All the wireless

Today will likely be very long. I'm sort of settled at the food store. (Only sort of because someone is in my preferred spot, so I don't have my system set up yet.)

I opened my presents and they are super nice. I got new sweat pants, which the old ones had no elastic and holes, so it would fall down every time I stood up or walked around. The new ones fit super good and even have elastic on the bottom near the feets, so my legs are super warm. I did indeed get the super fancy gaming headphones. So that will be great to not have to flick the cord every time I want to move my left arm. They even feel lighter than my last pair, which is surprising since my last wireless ones weighed a ton. Plus, I won't have to worry about the cord catching and yanking when I move around when it's on my lap. I also got some super nice looking wireless earbuds, which is super important for the hiding nighttime when I'm listening to things on my tablet. I can't believe how nice these are for how low cost they were. Again, it will be super great to not have to worry about yanking the cord on accident.

The food store is warm enough. The person just left, so I can now fully set up and settle in for the next 8 hours. I don't know what the day will hold, particularly since my cold is the worst, so physically I feel pretty bad. But, emotionally I feel pretty good. And hopefully I can hang on to the nice feelings.

Week 548

Day 3830 - 12/26 - Reluctance to cough

Today my body has been very reluctant to cough. I'd guess I've coughed maybe 25% as much as my lungs would have wanted. They are full of yuck, my throat is a bit scratchy, I'm a touch motion sensitive, and my right ear has probably been plugged most of the day. But I did so much coughing yesterday and last night my ribs and muscles around my side hurt when I cough. So when the lungs want me to cough, the other parts resist, and for the most part it's remained suppressed. Which is maybe a good sign? I think maybe if my lungs want to cough, but the rest of me vetoes that and the lungs are ok with it, it seems like my body is convinced the congestion isn't really at threatening levels. So let's hope that means I'm on my way to recovery and get better soon.

I suppose today was ok though. The bandwidth was fairly decent. I kind of didn't want to play my regular games though. I played them just a bit to do daily/weekly things, but I mostly watched videos and played a bit of my new Xmas game. I guess it wasn't too bad of a day. It just feels like some of the sadness of things left undone is starting to return and will soon start worrying me again.

But for the moment I'm pretty ok emotionally, though much less so physically. Yet it seems I may hopefully be on my way to getting over my cold. So I continue to try and stay happy, and hopefully help and opportunity come, and I can make it to better days.

Day 3831 - 12/27 - Maybe triggered

Today my game may have triggered sad thoughts. There is a special event for PvP and I normally don't do PvP things, but because it gives rewards I thought I'd try it. It may have triggered thoughts of death, dying, and feelings of loss of what I am missing in life. I didn't feel this way before playing, but from the afternoon on I have. I guess even though there are special rewards I should probably skip that activity. Even when I am doing well in PvP it's multiple deaths a minute, just for me, not counting other people. Whereas in PvE I die maybe once an hour or less.

I do like the game quite a bit, but again I am questioning why I am playing at all. (And glad I still haven't given them the extra $35.) I don't really have anything to gain by playing. I am just grinding for a higher level number, which is really meaningless. There is very little for me in the way of loot and there is zero story. I expect I will be playing less when the special event stops. I guess real I'm mostly doing it now because it's a reasonably fun time waster. It keeps my brain distracted.

In health I am pretty bad today as well. I'm still very congested and coughing. My body wants to cough it out, but I am so tired of coughing, and when I do cough it doesn't seem to really help.

I guess I made it through the day though. At least relatively happy, even if I am deeply depressed by thoughts of death, dying, and loss today. But I try to hang on to the good things. And I try to make it to better days ahead.

Day 3832 - 12/28 - Still very sick

Today I am still very sick. I've been coughing more than usual, and it feels like my body is trying to get the congestion out of my lungs. It doesn't really work though, nothing comes up usually when I do cough.

I got very healthy chicken food on sale to try and help me get better since I don't have access to a micro to do soup. But I immediately regretted it. It's a whole small chicken, which reminds me this creature lost its life just to feed me for two days. I feel so sad I have been on the verge of tears all day. I don't know how much longer I can be a meat eating person and not think about it. I mean, I have always been sad about it to some degree, and it's easier to think one cow is probably hundreds of hamburgers, or with as little bacon as I eat one pig would be all the ham and bacon I eat in a year. But a chicken, especially seeing its entire body like this... It's very hard to be ok with it. It's much easier when I can micro stuff as I can do more pasta meals which are basically meatless, or maybe consider alternate non-meat foods. But requiring ready to eat food means lunch meat or fruit, which is super yummy, but nearly 3x other food cost. Or cheese, which often reacts very poorly in my system. I may have to make a serious look at trail mix options. I don't want to die ever, and I don't know if I can continue to be the cause of other critters dying anymore.

I guess the day was ok. I didn't feel like playing much again. Partly due to depression, but also I think partly because of my cold. I did play a bit though, and I watched shows. So I made it through the day as best I could. And I will continue to try to hang on and hope for better days ahead.

Day 3833 - 12/29 - Crying with my bunnies

Today I spent some time crying with my (stuffed) bunnies. I have been so very sick feeling lately and I had a hard time resting and staying warm. I got very sad and very worried about my stuff in the ex-garage. It's been so much time already, far longer than I ever thought or could have imagined. I don't know how I would be able to manage to hold it together if I lost the space and had to lose what little is left. Really having my stuff in a safe and stable spot is the only thing keeping me together. My body is hollow and empty, still constantly hurting. But as long as what little I have left remains, I know I can just set it up again in a home. I would not be whole again, I may never be, but I know it can patch my sad wounds. I can begin to heal after that.

But I have to try and stay hopeful and positive. There is currently no reason to fear or worry. So I should continue on as normal, and continue to hope help and donations come, and that I can make it to better days.

Day 3834 - 12/30 - White cheese

Today was ok I guess. My crippling depression of late wasn't quite so crippling, though I did still obsess on death and dying. I think part of it is I have no comedies in my life really. One is about to start a second season, but really the bulk of shows I watch are six super hero shows, where the heroes may not die but there is tons of death and suffering all around them. I've been trying to think up some comedies to watch, but all the ones I liked were canceled after one or two seasons.

I guess today was ok. I have some white cheese for sandwiches today and tomorrow instead of my usual orange cheese. It seemed to fare better and my tummy didn't really get upset. I guess that's good, but it was a pretty bland meal.

I'm still trying to get over my cold, but it is extremely slow going. I don't know that I actually feel better. During the day I do feel a bit better, but often at night in the cold I almost immediately start coughing and shivering (sooner than the temperature would otherwise cause.) I can't really do anything but rest. Once school starts up again I'll have micro food and a bit of walking around exercise, so that may help, but that is still a week away.

It seems all I can continue to do is hope help comes to pay for all the things, that I can get enough rest and recover to get over my cold, and that eventually I make it back to a regular life and better days.

Day 3835 - 12/31 - End of days for 2018

Today seemed to end very quickly. When everyone else is just getting ready and getting started I am out of places to be and settling in to hide for the night.

I guess so far my day hasn't been completely terrible, as I expect tomorrow will be. I am almost totally out of gas though, meaning I'll be forced to burn more of my pre-order birthday gift money again. I only have 60% left as it is. At the rate I'm going I'll never re-secure the purchase by early February when it's needed. And there are still all my other bill things too. I don't know how I'll make it.

All I can do is hang on and hope help and donations come. There seems to be nothing else I can do.

Day 3836 - 1/1/2019 - Expect garbage

Today is barely just starting for me. I've settled in at the food store, and it's pretty empty here. I think, unlike Xmas, there won't be anyone getting special supplies for fancy meals. It's freezing outside, so I'd bet people are just staying home for that reason too.

I hope today is a normal day for me, but I expect pretty much garbage. It's already cold, old music is playing on the intercom, there is a heavy smoker near my spot listening to some foreign opera without headphones, and now a lady has sat down and is eating and also blasting some foreign TV or news show. I expect the connection to be bad, or fail completely.

But I hope the connection is ok. I hope things warm up. I hope these two leave. And I hope the connection is actually ok. And above all, I hope help and donations come to pay the few bills I have and to get back to the full amount I need to cover my pre-ordered birthday gift.

Comments and stuff Copyright E. Stryker 2008-2018
Pictures for Epic Fail are taken by me. :)

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